Be still your beating hearts. As we exultantly find ourselves in this festive place once again. The most wonderful time of the year. When squealing children race home from school to check and recheck their favorite news websites. Husbands and wives fight for possession of the living room tablet. Grandparents double up on their meds. Relax, everybody. It's finally here. Yes, you may consider the Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2013 officially released. Some years make it darn near impossible from which to strain a few meager laughs. As amusing as a broken crutch on the edge of a toxic waste dump. But enough about Detroit. Because in terms of funny comedy humor, this year was lush and fecund like a tropical rain forest. Horsemeat discovered to be a major component of IKEA's meatballs. And the teachable moment here could be not to look to Swedish furniture manufacturers for our nutritional needs. It is pivotal to understand that the Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2013 are in no way to be confused with the Top Ten Legitimate News Stories of 2013. No. No. No. They are as different as soy beans and lug nuts. Bluetooth and dental floss. Palm fronds and those weird cone- shaped collars that dogs wear to keep from chewing their butts. These are the stories and events of the year thus far, that most lent themselves to mocking and scoffing and taunting as determined by the executive council of the Comics, Clowns, Jesters & Satirists Union. Which, as you probably have already guessed, is... me. Number 10. The President becomes a lame duck four months into his second term. Beyond lame duck. More of a quadriplegic platypus. Barack Obama Leadership Skills. Like saying Fukushima sushi. Paula Deen at the Apollo.