2.21.19
Peaches: The Wall

President Donald Trump loves him some wall. Not the wall of corruption he’s surrounded himself with. Not that karmic wall of wasting all his political capital sucking up to superstitious xenophobes. Nor the huge self-erected wall that keeps him from learning or uttering or even caring about the truth. No, not those thick as a brick walls.

We’re talking about his obsession with a physical structure on our Southern border. Which he’s variously described as being “big and beautiful, see-through, transparent, steel slats, concrete, fences, barriers, whatever you want to call it, you can call it Peaches.” So Peaches, it is.

Resolving a 35-day government shutdown, he agreed to a congressional compromise that gives him less money for Peaches than they agreed to back in December, before he got chastised by Fox News. They don’t call him Mister Art of the Deal for nothing.

In response he declared a national emergency and wants to take money from other programs to build Peaches. Or does he? He knows this maneuver will put reluctant GOP senators on record and be challenged in the courts. And he’s already set himself up to lose by announcing he didn’t have to do this now, he could have waited. Which seriously questions the “emergency” part of national emergency.

The dirty little secret is he doesn’t actually want Peaches. He just gets a kick out of talking about her. To goose his base into roaring and cheering while demonizing people who don’t look like them. To get liberals so red in the face they make ripe tomatoes look pale pink covered in talcum.

Recently the president switched from having rallies chant “Build the Wall,” to “Finish the Wall,” as if he already started construction. Which is like a naked guy asking for alterations to the cuffs of the suit he isn’t wearing and doesn’t own. Adding another chapter to that whole Emperor’s New Clothes analogy. Only true supporters can see his kingly robes.

It doesn’t make any sense. Riling up Texas ranchers by invoking eminent domain. Slashing pet projects of the military. Besides, exactly how does he plan to build a 1952 mile-long wall on the Mexican border without using Mexican labor? Is he going to draft housewives from La Jolla? “Marilyn, hand me that masonry trowel.”

And why does he need Congress to give him money? Whatever happened to Mexico paying for Peaches? Are we supposed to just forget about that? Perhaps he was kidding. He didn’t mean it. Or was it a figurative “paying for it?”  He should build Peaches around his refrigerator. Or between his hands so he can’t tweet.

Doesn’t matter that undocumented immigrants commit less crimes than native-born Americans. Pay no attention to the studies that say crime in cities with larger amounts of undocumenteds is less than other cities. These aren’t facts, they’re fake news.

“But they’re taking all our jobs.” Dude, if you’re losing your job to someone with a 5th grade education, who doesn’t speak English, maybe immigration isn’t your biggest problem.

He certainly is right on one point. This country is experiencing a state of affairs that requires quick and decisive action. As that self-described American patriot Ann Coulter said after his announcement, “The only national emergency is the president is an idiot.”

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
2.13.19
The State of the Union Aftermath

The president gave a pretty good facsimile of a normal speech the other day during which he presented 5540 of his best words using his indoor voice. He didn’t rattle unhinged or erupt into paroxysms of fire breathing rage or seem blinded by paranoia. Well, not too much, anyway. He even got clapped at by Nancy Pelosi.

Indeed, he did boast of inflated accomplishments, made grandiose predictions and not less than a couple of exorbitant claims but that’s all part of the grand tradition of the State of the Union Address. That’s what a SOTU is. Time to preen and strut and prance and flounce. Everybody does it. Even Jimmy Carter.

What everybody normally doesn’t do is threaten the opposition party by saying that the authorization of any “partisan investigations” might cause the country to go to war. Sounds more than vaguely like an extortion threat. Obviously something he picked up from his good buddy, the publisher of the National Enquirer. Or maybe something he taught the unfortunately named David Pecker.

It was the same-old, same-old-he says something and all the members of his party stand but the other party doesn’t-sort of thing. While behind him, the frosty tension between Vice-President Mike Pence and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi could have been cut with an al dente strand of spaghetti.

At one point, the 45th President of the United States bragged about more women serving in the 116th Congress than ever before, ignoring the fact that out of 127 female representatives, 106 are Democrats. Most of them clumped together wearing white, to symbolize the 100th anniversary of the 19th Amendment being passed. A stark visual contrast to all the white men on the other side of the aisle.

One of his least controversial moves was coming out against childhood cancer. Wow. Really going out on a political limb there, eh? Can’t wait for your next position paper on flesh-eating-bacteria. He talked a lot about kids, but not one word about putting them in cages.

Other things he failed to mention were the Government Shutdown. Vladimir Putin. Mitch McConnell. Maria Butina. Jamal Khashoggi. Michael Cohen. Paul Manafort. Kim Kardashian. $2 trillion added to the national debt. Handing the EPA over to oil and coal industries. Fox News pulling his strings. His paternity of a resurgent white supremacy movement. School shootings. Global warming. Subpoenas. Pardons. Tax returns. And the Super Bowl Halftime Show.

Dropping a preemptive strike onto the 2020 Democratic campaign, the former real estate developer lashed out against socialism somehow linking Bernie Sanders to the economic meltdown in South America. And he’s right. Venezuela and Vermont do have a lot in common. Well, they both start with V. He may or may not make America great again, but using communist scare tactics indicates he’s certainly attempting to make America the 50s again.

Finally, he called for civil discourse. You read that right, Donald Trump called for civil discourse. The guy who refers to Representative Adam Schiff by replacing the “F”s in the man’s last name with “T”s called for civil discourse. Which is like a man working in a sewer all day complaining someone spilled coffee on his shoes. Or a rabid wolverine telling the rabbits they should dial it down.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
2.6.19
The State of the Union 2019

The State of the Union Address, about to be presented by President Donald Trump, is a week late, due to the government being closed for five. In the shutdown showdown, the 45th POTUS blinked. He got stared down by Nancy Pelosi, which has to tick him off not less than somewhat, especially since she didn’t have the decency to gloat.

Of course, if there’s one thing we’ve gotten used to, after living under the wild emotional swings and unprovoked rants of our plump swaggering Oval Office ego sausage, it’s that everything is all about him. Always. That’s the way it is, has been and forever shall be.

So the State of the Union will actually be the State of The Donald. Not the authentic condition but the extravagant hyperbole he uses as brand. Which means we can expect to hear that the State of the Union is not orange, overweight and bedraggled but rather “tremendous. Fantastic. The best it’s ever been. In the history of ever.

Since we have been blessed with Captain Get-Things-Done at the helm, our Ship of State is headed in the right direction. Finally. After You Know Who, the guy with the phony birth certificate, tried to steer us into the rocks. He was a disgrace. Seriously, folks, a disgrace. I’m much better. I got all the good words and I know how to use them.

And this is just the start. Major projects are in the works that will neutralize the Lying Mainstream Media, which cannot go a day without picking on me like no other president has ever been picked on. Ever. That’s a fact. You can look it up.

Then we’ll lock up Crooked Hillary and her criminal cronies in Congress and those activist judges who do nothing but obstruct our plans to Make America Great Again. We’re not going to divulge those plans until we’re ready. Don’t want to give them advance warning. But you’ll see. And you will be amazed. Seriously, folks, huge plans. Really good ones.

The wall will be built. Make no mistake about that. We will have a great big beautiful wall protecting our country from crime and disease and earthquakes and hurricanes and the measles. And there will be no skirting of that wall. We’re going to make ladders and shovels illegal in border-states. Canadian borders too. Puerto Rico.

And we’ll have cheaper, better health care for everybody. The best health care. It’s easy. You know it and I know it. The only reason we haven’t done it before is I’m forced to work with idiots. People who won’t do what I tell them to do. Trust me. I know more than anybody else. A lot more. These so-called experts are passive and naïve. That’s the truth. Everybody knows it.

It won’t be long before the yellow lines down the middle of our highways are outlined by real gold and double quarter-pounders with cheese pop right out of your phone and the chickens lay nothing but soft boiled eggs and people won’t need to go on holidays, because everywhere in this great nation will be a vacation spot. Just wait and see, it’s going to be amazing. Thank you and God Bless the Soviet Union, I mean America.”

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
1.10.19
AFTER XMAS GIFT WISH LIST

Way past time to congratulate the baby Jesus on the anniversary of his birth but especially for blessedly ending all those annoying unending ads for the Christmas sales only to be replaced by all those annoying unending ads for the after-Christmas sales. A major difference being- much fewer jingle bells on the soundtracks.

It’s also a relief to have the traditional holiday music stuffed back into the poisonous mistletoe vault, meaning we’ll have to wait nine whole months to hear the same thirty songs sung by the same thirty dead white men. And Nat King Cole.

As we throw the last shovel full of dirt on the most festive of seasons and kick the dried-out fir tree to the gutter, it is our self-imposed, public-service task here at Durstco to right the many wrongs perpetrated by the corpulent bearded cisgender male in the scarlet suit on his global flight.

Apparently Santa had some holes in his bag and a few folks didn’t receive the gifts they so richly deserved. A little mistake we would like to rectify here with WILL DUR$T’$ AFTER XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T.

At least the After-Christmas sales will make the purchasing of said items more bargainy. And by delaying another week or so, we could dovetail into President’s Day sales. What with the government shutdown, every penny saved is a penny earned. Earning a couple hundred or so could buy us a cup of coffee. Not a latte, but still.

For Kellyanne Conway: a red, white and blue muzzle.
For General James Mattis: an all-expenses paid vacation to the relative calm of Damascus, Syria.
For Melania Trump: not a designer coat, but a new coat designer.
For Nancy Pelosi: a whip, a gun and a chair.
For Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III: a cold dish of revenge.
For Sarah Huckabee Sanders: a round-trip ticket on the clue train.
For Michael Cohen: a poster to hang in his cell that reads “What Happens in Jersey Stays in Jersey.”
For Mitt Romney: a cape and pair of tights to help him single-handedly save the Republican Party.
For Kamala Harris: some of Hillary Clinton’s excess testosterone.
For Donald Trump and Roseanne Barr: two pairs of those Chinese finger traps for their thumbs.
For Ivanka Trump: a fully furnished pied-a-terre in the Seychelles.
For Jared Kushner: the same kind of family reverence his father showed his uncle.
For Kanye West: a new hat.
For Brett Kavanaugh: Clarence Thomas’ primer on how to question Supreme Court litigants.
For Mike Pence: a strobe light, so at press conferences, he can at least give the appearance of movement.
For Elon Musk: A years’ supply of whatever medicine they give kids with Attention Deficit Disorder.
For Bernie Sanders: a series of bushes to lurk behind for the next two years.
For Rudy Giuliani: a case of mint-flavored shoelaces for the multiple occasions he puts his foot in his mouth.
For Joe Biden: a 55-gallon drum of patience.
For Mexican President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador: a wall to control our immigration.
For Rachel Maddow: a nice blue sweater.
For Ruth Bader Ginsburg: two six-foot spools of industrial strength bubble wrap.
And finally for the American People: total gridlock of the 116th Congress. No harm, no foul.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."


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