4.26.18
Trump Zombies

The followers of Donald Trump are many things. Loyal, rabid, focused, committed, single-minded, self-righteous, rabid, and oblivious. And rabid. Many folks have gone so far as to call them zombies. “Truuuump. Truuump.” The major difference being these Walking Dead are not interested in brains.

They have no doubts. They back their glorious leader 100%. His poll numbers will never drop below 35 indicating a hard bottom that matches his hard head. During the 2016 campaign he famously said he could shoot someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and wouldn’t lose any supporters and that may be truer today. And if he wants to demonstrate how that would go down, you’d need a lottery to pick from the thousands of zombies that would volunteer to help prove it.

It was no secret that he was a philandering lying greedy cheating businessman who stiffed contractors and sued everyone else when they voted for him. He’s a New York City real estate developer. They are to choir boys what glass shards are to lace. What gum is to hair. Cement and crockery.

And they will countenance no argument. Doesn’t matter what you use: logic, reason, math, ethics, decency, convention, protocol, science, history, physics or gravity. He’s their guy. They don’t care what he’s done or what he’s accused of doing. If Ronald Reagan was Teflon, the 45th President is a space age polymer dipped in polyurethane and covered in weasel grease.

The best example is while the Russian collusion investigation is being hammered out in the background, the President gets hit with multiple accusations of using money to silence women who claim to have had affairs with him. And nobody cares. No impact at all. The focus centers on the lawyer who arranged the payoffs. Misdirection managed.

Obstruction of justice? “Who cares? They all do it.” Shady business deals? “So what. They all do it.” Did he kill anybody? Not… did he have anybody killed? Did he personally kill anybody with his bare hands? And even if he did, “so what? They all do it.”

Trump could push an old lady in a wheelchair down three flights of stairs and his supporters would argue till they were blue in the face that he was giving her a series of chiropractic adjustments. If he was caught burning down an orphanage his people would claim he was simply restoring the heat that dastardly Obama Administration was selling to illegal aliens.

Former FBI Director James Comey wrote a book that charged the president was a congenital liar and unfit to lead. And the zombies complained that Comey’s timing was suspect and that he was an attention junkie. And the font in the book was pejorative. Then Trump said the release of the Comey memos vindicated him. Although they didn’t. At all. In any sense. This guy would claim victory after being decapitated. He’s the Black Knight from the Holy Grail. “It’s only a flesh wound.”

And if he eventually fires Robert Mueller or keeps firing a series of Assistant FBI Directors until he finds one that will fire Robert Mueller, Republicans would continue to back him because his zombies do. Not even a stake to the heart would work. Of course that presupposes the existence of a heart. No brains, no heart, just “Truuuump. Truuump.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
4.18.2018
Storm Warning

You don’t need a weatherman to see that the storm clouds gathering around Team Trump are serious. And since the only permanent member of Team Trump is The Donald himself, this squall is shooting straight down Pennsylvania Avenue, with that hard-candy shell of a hair-helmet above the chair behind the desk in the Oval Office, square in its crosshairs.

The tempest is dark and swirly with fierce offshore winds like one of those Nor’Easters that’s ravaged New England the last couple months. Several systems of individual flurries have begun to merge, taking on bulk and velocity, threatening to escalate into one of those upper echelon categories of blizzards.

The kind with golf-ball sized hail that leaves dimples on car hoods and white-out conditions shutting down interstates. And American radar models forecast enough downpours to bury the president up to his ears. The European models indicate a larger depth.

The barometer is dropping precipitously on several fronts. Bimbo Eruptions multiply like thunderheads on a midwestern summer afternoon including one suspiciously named Stormy. Raising the sticky question of whether paying to kill a salacious story constitutes illegal campaign contributions or just being real smart.

The recent raid on the offices of Trump’s longtime personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, which seized records and perhaps recordings, has staffers quivering like a shaved poodle duct-taped to the foul pole of Wrigley Field during a night game in April. Nobody knows what sort of shenanigans Cohen was up to, but everyone suspects he is a consigliere with secrets. Fredo’s consigliere.

Former FBI Director James Comey’s new book calls The Great Pretender not just a liar, but an orange unethical dangerous Mob Boss liar with baby hands. The President, in response, tweeted that the professional Boy Scout from the Justice Department is a “leaker and a liar” and a “slimeball.” Not an epithet normally heard coming from the highest office in the land.

That’s right, the guy who paid a porn star $130,000 to keep quiet about the affair they had while his third wife was pregnant, called someone else a “slimeball.”  Which is like a hooker calling the queen a whore. Or Martin Shkreli complaining he’s being gouged at the prison commissary. Shouting that the other guy has dust on his lapels from the middle of a pig-sty.

And although his sentence was commuted by George W Bush, Scooter Libby was never pardoned for his convictions of perjury, obstruction of justice and lying to the FBI. So perhaps President Trump remedied that situation as a signal to his associates that he doesn’t think these crimes are very important. Wink-wink, nudge-nudge. “Don’t worry boys. I got your back, your front and your sides.”

His own party is pulling out the bullet-proof umbrellas. Fearing a blue wave the size of a nuclear-powered tsunami, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan didn’t just ditch the ship but the pier and the entire harbor itself.

And slowly riding in on the horizon… Mueller is coming. Mueller is coming! And it can’t be too comforting that special prosecutor Robert Mueller bears a slight resemblance to the Night King from Game of Thrones. Right about now Donald Trump might be best served by looking for a fire-breathing dragon. Maybe that’s what John Bolton is for.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
4.12.2018
Circus Trump

Like Cirque de Soleil, the Donald Trump Circus has many touring productions. The Oval Office. The White House. The Cabinet. Both Republican held Houses of Congress. It’s a wacky zany five-ring spectacle chock-full of tightrope walkers, ethical contortionists, trained animals, morally challenged acrobats and logic jugglers. And don’t forget the clowns. Lots and lots of clowns. The US Marine Band should be playing “Hail to the Chief” on a calliope.

Wherever POTUS 45 goes or threatens to go or even mentions that going might be a possibility, the cameras don’t miss any of the kinetic lunacy. All action choreographed by the Golden Canopy in his role as Ringmaster Deluxe. He is a world-class expert in prestidigitation and knows his part well. Which may be why the cast changes faster than free beer disappears at a frat party celebrating a homecoming win over Alabama.

The Trump Circus performers are replaced at a rate that would shock an assistant manager on the graveyard shift at McDonald’s. John Bolton has stomped into the Big Top as our new strongman. The man with the scariest mustache in the world. Due to be our third National Security Advisor. The second one almost didn’t quit. First one-still under indictment.

Bolton’s credentials consist mostly of sucking up to his new boss like a turbo vacuum cleaner on pharmaceutical strength steroids. When appointed Ambassador to the United Nations by George W Bush, Bolton described his approach as one of Tough Love. With the emphasis on the adjective. Others call it Rabid Foaming at the Mouth With an Unattached Ear Hanging Out of Your Teeth Love. Geek Love.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson was fired for many reasons: arguing with the boss, disagreeing with the boss and calling the boss a moron. Which goes down in a relationship as well as a foot-long fish bone. And Secretary of Veterans Affairs, David Shulkin says he was fired for resisting the privatization of his administration’s care but the White House claims he resigned. Sounds like someone doesn’t want to pony up for unemployment.

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, our Attorney General and Scott Pruitt, the Director of the EPA, are not just skating but performing triple axels on thin ice. Sessions in deep elephant doo-doo for recusing himself in the Russia Matter and Pruitt for renting an apartment from a lobbyist who had multiple clients with business in front of his department. Pretty much the definition of conflict of interest. Seriously, look it up.

In the first fifteen months of this current production, we’ve lost 3 White House Communications Directors. The Secretaries of State, Veterans Affairs, Health & Human Services. 2 National Security Advisors. One Deputy National Security Advisor. An Attorney General. An FBI Director. Deputy FBI Director. Director of the CDC. Director of the Office of Government Ethics. Director of NASA. Director of National Economic Council. Chief of staff. Chief strategist. Chief aide to the Chief strategist. Chief usher. The Surgeon general. Umpteen personal aides, two turtle doves, a Priebus and an Omarosa.

Some worry that the Ringmaster will run out of lackeys, minions and stooges. But no matter how many quit, resign or slink off quietly in the night, never fear. There’s plenty more replacement toadies that can be called up from that junior league circus known as… Fox News.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
3.28.2018
The Rites of Spring

Easter is a most peculiar holiday, which is saying something, considering so many other religious festivities litter our calendar. For instance, it’s the only one with pink and lavender decorations. Also, no other holy day shares such an obsession with hardboiled eggs, chocolate bunnies, jellybeans and plastic grass. And it boasts a singular connection to bonnets.

Another odd aspect is Easter’s ability to travel, falling on the Sunday after the first full moon following the Vernal Equinox. Meaning it can roll from March 22 to April 25. Sort of like your weird Aunt Hazel who visits every year about this time, but can’t commit to a date until she nails down the cheapest bus ticket.

The celebration goes back, back, back to olden timey days when our pagan ancestors paid homage to a goddess named Esther who was prone to dance to honor the season of fertility and had a proclivity for hanging out with bunnies, which sort of explains the egg connection. The egg being a symbol of fecundity with the promise of abundance. Be fruitful and multiply. Bringing us back to the bunnies. Chocolate seems to have been a recent addition. And not an altogether bad one.

Besides being the Anti-Halloween, Easter is the oldest of Christian celebrations, and possibly based on the Jewish holiday of Passover. It’s a very serious enterprise interweaving death and rebirth but for many of us, the spring festival harkens another resurrection. The mark of a different new beginning. When Christ comes out of his cave, sees his shadow and baseball season starts.

It happens every spring. Forget about your robins and cherry blossoms and those spongy yellow marshmallow peeps that taste like how day-glo sponges look, it’s the first crack of the bat in a regular season game that’s the true harbinger that a season of plenty is nigh.

Winter doesn’t officially expire until that moment each roster’s ace hurls a three-inch diameter clean white sphere with 108 red double stitches sixty feet and six inches in anger. The longer days and warmer temperatures are just a byproduct of the Boys of Summer getting an early start.

Because when folks throw out the phrase, “wait till next year,” this is the moment they were talking about, when our souls and rosters have been refreshed and every parishioner and patron awakes anew with a theoretical chance to go the distance and win it all. To joyously hoist a heavenly trophy and spray champagne into each other’s eyes in a thoughtless waste of perfectly good sparkling wine.

It’s a marathon quest to survive a brutal 162 game season and best all the other teams to reign as World Series Champions. Although that anointment continues to be suspect with 29 of the 30 teams hailing from the USA, and the remaining one- Canadian, which many consider, American Lite.

But from now until halfway between the Autumnal Equinox and the Winter Solstice we will make our pilgrimages to those cathedrals of worship and ritually feast on the warm canines and quaff exorbitantly expensive beer and raise our voices to sing that most holy of hymns, “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” Because this is that magical time, when the slate has been wiped clean and hope springs eternal. Play ball. And don a bonnet.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
3.23.2018
MANY MADNESSES

And once again the crowd goes wild with a bad case of March Madness. The phrase is usually associated with the wacky zany antics surrounding the NCAA college basketball tournament. But this year it doubles as a description of the equally nutty loony goings-on in and around the White House. Following immediately on the heels of January Madness and February Madness.

The month of March proverbially comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb, but this big cat of chaos is marking its territory and might require a length of extra large litter boxes longer than a Pentagon hallway. In the first three weeks of the month, the White House has demonstrated all the dignity and competence of a drunken mountain lion with irritable bowel syndrome working Sudoku.

Here’s a sampling of daft incidents gone down thus far in March.

  • White House Communications Director Hope Hicks resigns after admitting telling little white lies for the President. “No, really. Your hands are huuuge.” “I love your hair that way.” “Yes, the whole country is behind you.”
  • First Son-in-Law Jared Kushner is stripped of Top Secret clearance. Doesn’t matter: Ivanka’s the heavy thinker of the family.
  • Economic Advisor Gary Cohn leaves to protest new tariffs on steel and aluminum. Because what successful billionaire needs economic advisors?
  • President’s lawyers obtain a restraining order to keep a porn star from talking about the $130k she received to keep an affair with the president quiet. Thereby making it louder.
  • Trump’s personal aide, John McEntee, is escorted from White House grounds after security clearance is pulled due to possible financial crimes. But don’t worry, he’ll be back. Fits right in.
  • President Trump stuns staff by announcing summit with Kim Jong Un. But if he doesn’t read, how do they prep him for these meetings? Will they use hand puppets?
  • President Trump calls MSNBC anchor Chuck Todd “a sleepy son of a bitch,” and African-American Congresswoman Maxine Waters a “low IQ individual” giving him a near insurmountable lead to repeat in this year’s “Vulgar Lout of the Year” award.
  • The President fires FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe two days before he retires with full pension benefits. Because it’s not enough to be vindictive if you can’t throw in a little petty.
  • Trump mocks Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau by bragging he made stuff up in a meeting. Leading many to believe next meeting will be less cordial. President Trump may be forced to assemble his own poutine.
  • Says the reason Conor Lamb won the special election in Pennsylvania was because the Democrat “was like me.” Funny, the new Congressman doesn’t look like a racist, misogynist, xenophobic, incompetent blowhard.
  • President Trump lifts ban on importing elephant tusks into the country. So no matter what happens down the line, Don Jr. and Eric won’t go home empty-handed.
  • The day after Secretary of State Rex Tillerson criticizes Russia, Trump fires him in a tweet. The moral being; you can call the president a “moron,” but don’t badmouth Vlad the Impaler.
  • Nobody’s panicking because we did survive the past 14 months and the smart money is on April Madness leading to May Madness, June Madness etc. etc., all the way up to your normal election-year November Madness. Which this time around promises to be exceptionally hysterical.
The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
3.15.2018
MIDTERM MALFUNCTIONS

Okay, Democrats, settle down. Drop the confetti and back away from the champagne. Stop punching each other in the arm, making with the whoop-whoop noises. Straighten your tie. These celebrations need to be put on hold. They are as premature as counting your chickens before they cross the road to a bridge that hasn’t been burned yet.

Sure, you might have had a few encouraging outcomes in some special elections and early midterm primaries, but those are as fleeting as the New York City Ballet dreams of an overweight third-grader in her first pair of toe shoes.

Do not be deceived into thinking that reclaiming the House of Representatives in November is a fast-break, slam-dunk because if anybody could blow a lead this late in the game, it’s you. And, the Atlanta Falcons, of course.

President Donald Trump’s approval rating could sink lower than the pressure-release screw on the bottom of a submarine sewer hose, and Democrats still couldn’t stir the electorate with a crowbar the size of Chile.

You are the kings and queens of tying your shoelaces together and tripping over your own feet. Have the killer instinct of mud. Possess the uncanny ability to pluck defeat from the jaws of victory through the tiniest dental window. Hold the Guinness book record for accidentally rolling over on the self-destruct button and blowing everything you stand for to smithereens. On that rare occasion you take a stand.

And right now, multitudes of ways to throw a monkey wrench into the midterms remain within your grasp. It may be over a half a year away. But to you do-gooder, pooch-screwing, over-thinkers, it’s a lifetime.

The following is not just the tip of the iceberg of ugly scenarios that are possible but the crust on the nostrils of the dead donkey curled around the tip of the iceberg of ugly scenarios that are possible.

WAYS THE DEMOCRATS COULD SCREW UP THE MIDTERMS.

Lousy candidates. As we’ve seen in the past, your bench is full of them.
Horrible timing. You people would wear Yankees hats to Fenway Park on Nickel Beer Night.
Dearth of issues. You attempt to paint yourself as Republicans with a brain and a heart. Failing to realize that lacking a brain and a heart is the GOP’s base appeal.
Trusting the media. Yes, many reporters and correspondents are smart liberals. But most of their bosses are smarter conservatives. Who love Donald J. Trump for being a dumpster fire that attracts eyeballs.
Getting drunk at the prom and wrecking daddy’s T-Bird again.
Barbra Streisand. At the last minute she tries to help.
Hillary Clinton. Writes another book.
Exhibit Fear. Don’t ever forget the electorate can smell it.
Stormy Daniels. Entices Bill Clinton and/ or Anthony Weiner into being pen-pals.
Trivial stuff. Huge ugly public fights over whether the latest presidential rebuke should be printed with black or blue ink.
Eating your own. Does the term Al Franken have any meaning here?
Nancy Pelosi. She talks for another 8 hours causing people to remember, “oh yeah, she’s still the Head Dem, right?”
Two words. Bernie freaking Sanders.
Underestimating Donald Trump. Especially his allure to that segment of America that believes professional wrestling is legitimate.
And finally: Two more words. Elizabeth freaking Warren.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
3.6.2018
GOP BRIDAL REMORSE

Like most arranged marriages, the blessed union between Donald Trump and the Republican Party turned stormy even before Ms. Daniels arrived on the scene. The bride and groom were barely acquainted, had little in common and truth be told, didn’t much care for each other. The engagement period featured fights, insults, accusations of infidelity and salacious hand measuring. Outside of that- a match made in heaven.

So it seems a bit disingenuous that the GOP claims to be shocked, shocked to find itself in a world of hurt a year after stumbling down the aisle with their fair-haired groom. Even clashing couples are compelled to abide by that whole “for better or worse” proposition. And lately, the emphasis has been on the latter.

The upside included the honeymoon of controlling the House, Senate and Oval Office for the first time since George W. had to ask Dick Cheney for a hall pass to use the West Wing lavatory. But that blissful period had a shorter life than the Harvey Weinstein Defense Fund Kickstarter campaign.

The downside was being unmasked as the race baiting, xenophobic, misogynistic hypocritical party of the rich they’ve spent decades trying to disguise. Our current president didn’t ruin the Republican Party, he lifted the rock they were hiding under. The evangelical community even gave him a mulligan for a porn star payoff. #MeToo.  

And neither do any of the maids of honor or groomsmen seem happy with the in-law situation. Everybody is supposed to be nice to them, but nobody can figure out what Jared and Ivanka do, except loot the gift table and make withering suggestions on which of their new colleagues need eyebrow sculpting. Many suspect their sole function is emotional support. They’re the White House therapy dogs.

A few who stood proudly next to Donnie John at the altar in November of 2016 are suffering from a tertiary case of bridal remorse. They regret climbing into bed with a notorious serial abuser, especially considering their entire pre-nuptial agreement consists of Mike Pence.

But most supporters are making such incredible ethical contortions they’ve probably sparked interest from recruiters at Cirque de Soleil. These tortured explanations run the gamut from claiming that Obama was worse to the charge that Hillary would have been worser.

There’s little talk of annulment; they go out of their way to excuse his unacceptable behavior and blatant ineptitude. They know how vindictive he is and shudder at the kind of alimony required to shut him up. Also, there will not be joint custody of his base.

The list of rationalizations are as recognizable to the staffs of battered women shelters as skunk scat is to urban gardeners. “He’s new at this.” “But he loves me.” “He didn’t say that and even if he did, he didn’t mean it.” “You can’t judge him by his hair.” “That’s just Donald being Donald.”  “Doesn’t sweat much for a fat guy.”

Problem is, the midterm elections are looming eight short months away and the entire wedding party has to weigh whether to trot out rehearsal dinner photos to demonstrate fealty in the tradition of “love, honor and obey” or risk a primary opponent from the right with a malicious hankering to introduce them to that whole “til death do us part” part.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
2.28.2018
THE CAFETERIA LADY IS PACKING HEAT

President Donald Trump tossed out some wacky nonsense about arming teachers which encouraged the press and public to go nuts debating this ludicrous suggestion, totally ignoring commonsense remedies like banning civilians from purchasing weapons whose sole function is to kill the most people in the shortest time. The man is not as dumb as he looks, which at last count was considerable.

That was just one of the president’s multiple responses to the latest in a distressing series of school shootings. He was all over the map like a class of apprentice cartographers in the belly of a garbage scow during a category 4 typhoon.

First he said we should arm teachers, then yelled at the mainstream media for saying he said we should arm teachers, then he said we shouldn’t just give teachers guns, but bonuses. And snacks. Not rulers. Or pencils. Stationary targets, yes. Stationery, no.

During a listening session with relatives and survivors of various school massacres he was photographed carrying a cheat sheet reminding him to say “I hear you.” His staff is apparently aware that hearing people in a listening session is not his first instinct. Listen, is what people do to him, not he to them.

Trump also promised to focus on mental health issues, forgetting that one of his first moves as POTUS was erasing rules that restricted some mentally ill from purchasing firearms. Like Germany complaining they don’t have any decent Jewish delis anymore.

“Now is not the time to politicize the gun issue.” Why is the time to talk about guns always later? “Now?” “No, later.” “Now?” “No, later.” And repeat. Now is the time to talk about mental health issues. Voting to fund programs to deal with those issues is a different story.

The NRA says the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. The problem with good guys with guns is a lot of them believe in that whole “kill ‘em all and let god sort ‘em out” school of thought. Except that security guard outside the Parkland, Florida high school.

Giving guns to teachers, what a great idea. Probably cut down on tardiness, note passing and backtalk as well, not to mention making faculty meetings and parent teacher conferences a lot more interesting. The penalty for truancy is a flesh wound.

As with most of 45’s ideas, details were murky, but this plan could easily lead to arming janitors, crossing guards and cafeteria ladies. Although many would argue that school lunches were already weaponized during the Reagan Administration.

Besides, 20% of American teachers equals 700,000 people. Do they all get the same gun? Would these teachers going heavy be appointed or volunteers? Or would most folks offered guns spontaneously develop bone spurs like somebody else we know? 

Think back: how many of your high school teachers would you have confidently armed? The ex-Marine wrestling coach? The English teacher who spaced out during John Keats’ “Ode on a Grecian Urn?” The librarian regularly hitting her flask behind the stacks? Sister Mary Uzi?

And you do realize that once teachers start carrying Roscoes, it’s only a matter of time before kids themselves feel the need to start packing. “I’m going to study hall. Cover me.”

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
2.19.2018
THE CHERRY PICKERS

We all know what “cherry picking” is. Sifting through available evidence to pluck out the bits and pieces that support one particular narrative while ignoring everything that reinforces the contrary. Also known as selective amnesia. Or advertising.

It is used in movie reviews all the time. “An execrable breakthrough in atrocious direction and a new cinematic low in non-achievement,” becomes “A Breakthrough Cinematic Achievement!” 

It happens in real life as well. Like when dad keeps talking about how he was first to change the baby’s diapers. Even though mom was hospitalized at the time and he didn’t touch another in the 2 years since. The letter, but not the spirit.

You can claim pretty much anything, because chances are, nobody’s going to look up the original and that holds especially true when the original is classified. “Look what I got right here. No, you can’t see it. But trust me, it’s as awful as skunk-flavored popsicles.”

And that is exactly what the White House has done by releasing the controversial Republican Intelligence Committee Nunes Memo but withholding the Democratic response, which fills in some of the controversial gaps. This sneaky behavior has become so prevalent amongst our major political parties that it’s acquired a special name: practitioners call it… politics.

To prove that two can play that game, let’s counter with some opposition cherry-picking. Here’s what happens when the words from Donald Trump’s highly regarded State of the Union Address are isolated and rearranged:

“Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, the First Lady of the United States, my fellow North Koreans, criminals and terrorists and pregnant homeless women: Less than one year has passed since I first stood at this podium, in this evil chamber of pain and sorrow, and since then our nation has been witness to the most dangerous menace that threatens our world: my administration.  

I will be asking Congress to assist American car companies to continue building and expanding plants in Cuba and Venezuela and also to increase the height of my package. Only in times of tragedy will this nation turn to rogue regimes like the United States Senate. I will not repeat the mistakes of past administrations that got us into this dangerous position. I will make other shameful and depraved mistakes.

No regime has oppressed its own citizens more totally or brutally than the cruel dictatorship that is Texas. One of my greatest priorities is to ensure floods and fires and storms, devastating hurricanes and a hail of gunfire. And wage stagnation until they experience the pains and scourge of hardship.

So tonight I extend an open hand to work with members of especially cruel gangs of illegal immigrants so that America’s forgotten middle class can be eliminated through opioid and drug addiction.

The final pillar is that our wonderful families will be sentenced to years of hard labor by the savage gangs of our Afghan partners along with China, Mexico and New Mexico. I have foolishly caused the loss of many innocent lives, am a reckless disgrace and must get treatment. Complacency is the surest path to evil. Thank you, and God bless Russia.”

Hey, those are his words. Sure, some stuff got left out and the order was changed around a bit. Just like the Republican memo.  

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
2.9.2018
WOULD RATHER LIE THAN EAT ICE CREAM

During the State of the Union Address, President Donald J Trump said many hopeful things including that he wants to work with Democrats. Yeah, right. He wants to work with Democrats the same way a five year old with a magnifying glass wants to work with ants. The way a coyote wants to negotiate with a nest of baby ducks. Think incoming ballistic missile and South Pacific atolls.

A week later he called this very same group treasonous. And what heinous crime against the state did they commit: they neglected to stand and applaud during the boasts and exaggerations of his amazing, tremendous, fabulous speech. But nobody took the charge seriously. Why? Because his words mean nothing.

It continues to amaze how people pore over his statements, looking for clues to future behavior based on what’s been previously said. It doesn’t matter. The man never tells the truth. Only what’s expedient. Pundits point out, “previously he said this,” And “let’s not forget he said that.” Go ahead- forget that. He has. Or will.

After a year in office and a lifetime of his self-satisfied, publicity-seeking mug thrust in our faces, people remain oblivious that if the muse moves him, he will reverse course and adopt a totally different position. 180 degrees. In a New York minute. Often during the same interview.

You can’t make a plan based on what comes out of his mouth because words don’t matter to him. He has no respect for them. They’re all made up of the same 26 letters. Letters that can be used to write other words. Words that don’t assist the cause. Hence, he will say anything. To anyone. Any time. Anywhere. Anywhy. Anywho.

He’ll do it for various reasons. Whatever helps at the moment. To carve an advantage. To distract. To buy time. Energize the base. Protect a deal. Create confusion. Stay in practice. Make himself look good. Even if he said he was lying, he’d be lying.

Pity the poor people who work for him, trying to say positive things, handicapped in supporting his goals and beliefs, because they have absolutely no idea what those could be. Except that he’s pro-Donald.

He was against the war in Iraq. That wasn’t him on the Access Hollywood tape. The President of the Boy Scouts called him. Remember how he was going to release his tax returns? He never planned to release his tax returns. Saying he would, was simply a stall. Soon other scandals erupted and the press began asking other questions and tax returns fell by the wayside. And so on and so on.

So when the President says he not only plans to testify under oath in the Robert Mueller investigation but that he’s looking forward to it, don’t believe him. That’s what he thinks people want him to say. Now. It is neither a confirmation that he will testify or a warning he’ll do everything in his power to keep from doing testifying. Could be either/ or. It could mean nothing. Probably the latter.

Maybe he’ll change his mind. Maybe he won’t. There is no way to tell. The man has the integrity of a drunken weasel in a chicken coop. He would rather lie than eat ice cream. And he likes ice cream.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
1.29.2018
THE 2018 DONALD J. TRUMP STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS DRINKING GAME

Any grouping of American taxpayers: including at least one white guy wearing a suit, somebody in a blue work shirt, and one senior citizen.

One shot glass per person. Everybody brings their own, grouped on a table in front of TV. No matter who brings what, white guy in suit chooses first, work shirts pick next, then everybody else except senior citizen who goes last.

Much beer.

Bowl of guacamole and chips. If women are playing, they should make the guacamole and take care of the beer.

Everybody antes 5 bucks.

RULES OF GAME:

  • Every time Donald Trump says the words “collusion,” or “fake news” drink a shot of beer.
  • Whenever the president sniffs, slurs or mispronounces a word, drink a shot of beer. If he gets name of a world leader wrong, drink two shots of beer. If he blows name of a cabinet or family member, chug an entire beer.
  • Whenever DT mentions the brave members of our armed forces, stand up, salute with your right hand and drink a shot of beer with your left.
  • For every reference to golf or one of his golf resorts, drink a shot of beer. Two shots if the resort is mentioned by name.
  • If Speaker Paul Ryan or First Lady Melania is caught napping on camera, the last person to stand up and sing “Wake Up, Little Susie, Wake Up” drinks two shots of beer.
  • Every time the president mentions Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama the last person to grab his throat in a choking motion drinks two shots of beer.
  • When the camera finds Kellyanne Conway, everybody throw chips dipped in guacamole at TV. Anybody who gets a chip to stick on her face is exempt from drinking 2 shots of beer. 3 shots if it looks like a little beard.
  • If, during a standing ovation, the president claps for himself, take turns drinking shots of beer until the audience sits. If he winks or points to the camera make it double shots.
  • For every actual emotion Mike Pence displays besides smug satisfaction drink a shot of beer.
  • Whenever the president mentions “building the wall” drink a shot of beer. Multiply the shots by the number of syllables in the adjectives used. “Big wall” means one extra shot. “Beautiful wall,” three more shots. “Tremendous, fantastic, amazing wall”- you figure it out.
  • Predict the number of applause breaks. After the speech, drink number of shots of beer equal to difference between your estimate and actual number. The average is 80.

EXTRAS

  1. If Chief of Staff John Kelly’s transmission link breaks and Trump begins to mumble excerpts from Hugo Weaving’s soliloquy in the first “Matrix” on how humans stink, everybody gets to kick white guy in suit once.
  2. White guy in suit gets to kick old person twice just on general principles.
  3. If the president uses a heartfelt story of a senior citizen’s grace under pressure to illustrate a point, the elder gets 15 seconds to kick white guy in suit. 30 seconds if Trump reveals the anecdotal senior is in the audience AND sitting next to an astronaut or member of the Trump family. 45 seconds if it’s Tiffany or Barron.
  4. During the Democratic response, woman players should clean up.
  5. Remaining guacamole and chips go home with senior citizen who also gets to keep the Tupperware container.
  6. White guy in suit takes pot.
The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
1.24.2018
REIGN OF ERROR

It’s been quite a year. The exact reverse of that whole “time flies when you’re having fun” thing. These last twelve months have slogged by like cold molasses riddled with bat guano dripping through a tightly woven bamboo sieve. Seems like decades since Donald Trump became the 45th President of the United States. Shouldn’t he be termed out by now? 

After a mere 12 months, his problems have stacked up like a bouquet of bombs from the Acme Co. being wafted aloft by helium balloons approaching an archery range for easily distracted pre-teens. Anybody who watched the televised White House bipartisan meeting can tell you the former reality TV star exhibits a mastery of his office on the level of a duck-billed platypus playing a harpsichord.

His administration has been marked by division, derision, indecision and a distinct lack of supervision. Confusion, seclusion, delusion & collusion. Lazy, hazy, crazy: cheesy, sleazy, wheezy, breezy and enough turmoil to make the entire world both uneasy and/ or a little queasy.

During the first 365 days of Dopey Donald’s Reign of Error, we have survived an unending stream of blatant lies, graphic insults, myopic intransigence, illiterate cluelessness, overt racism, monumental chaos, nuclear intimidation and a general coarsening of the culture to where the evangelical community is forced to reconcile a porn star payoff with its own staggering sense of self righteousness. Futilely.

In the recent book, “Fire and Fury,” author Michael Wolff intimated that 100% of White House insiders believe their boss is a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic if you catch his drift. The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead. Snuck into the gene pool while the lifeguard was chatting up the girl who runs the hot dog stand. Has the same mental capacity that God gave a bucket of hair.

Then, as if to stamp the book with his own fuzzy seal of approval, the former New York City real estate developer demonstrated that no matter how many allies he antagonizes, family members he insults, staffers he impugns, fellow Republicans he alienates, or conventions he flaunts, his own worst enemy remains… himself.

Attempting to stem backlash from Wolff’s book, the president tweeted, (and these are quotes) that he is “like, really smart.” And a “stable genius.” A statement that most experts interpret as meaning he’s really good with horse manure. Which probably comes in handy when interacting with Sloppy Steve Bannon.

Trump also twisted himself into a rhetorical battle with Kim Jong Un over whose nuclear button is bigger. When we all know it has to be Ivanka’s dad, who needs the larger expanse to accommodate his diminutive hands. These two should be locked into a cell on an abandoned freighter in the South Pacific so that they can measure and get it over with.

Then the brief government shut down precipitated an eruption of the Blame Game that witnessed both Republicans and Democrats flinging mud at each other with so much excess hitting the president, many referees questioned the actual target.

Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell said “I’m looking for something the president supports” making it sound like a mythical beast. Less unicorn– more dodo bird. And all this has gone down in the first three weeks of 2018. Fasten your seat belts folks, it’s going to be a bumpy year.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
1.14.2018
2018 Predictions

Time for a few choice words for the not-so-dearly departed year of 2017. And those words are… “You sucked. Go away. Stay there. Keep it moving odd numbered year. Don’t linger. No dawdling. Forget about sticking around to watch us shudder whenever the sight of something orange triggers a flashback. Bury your shadow in a deep dark cave. Forget it Jake, it’s Chinatown.”  

The beginning of January is when America dons its rose-colored glasses and anticipates wondrous possibilities in the future pages of our new calendar. So now let us forecast a few of the fabulous events in store for the next twelve months. You can call them predictions, prognostications or prophecies but here at Durstco we prefer to think of them as dead solid certain sure things.

In the year 2018:

Kellyanne Conway will top the bestseller lists with a book entitled, “How to Lie Out of Both Sides of Your Two Faces Even When People are Watching.”
In response to another school shooting the NRA calls for the closing of all schools.
Robert Mueller announces that he has discovered a secret panel in Vice President Mike Pence’s head that is directly controlled by a Siberian bear trainer. 
Hillary Clinton, after 18 months of twice-daily therapy sessions, finally allows herself to let it go.
Donald John Trump continues cutting programs for the poor so rich people can have more money. Through a series of tragic financial reversals, the 45th President dies destitute.
Mitch McConnell’s face actually does freeze like that.
The Internet becomes so user-friendly, trend-setting techies find themselves superfluous and go back to being annoying nerds living in their parents’ basements.
The airline industry is revolutionized by the introduction of discount tickets that require passengers to pedal.
Disney purchases Fox News and children in Disneyland are treated to character breakfasts with their favorite right wing talk show hosts. Sean Hannity is especially popular as Goofy.
LeBron James is voted the best middle linebacker in the NBA.
A 400-pound fat guy on a couch goes on The View to apologize for hacking the 2016 election. Although expressing sincere regret, Joy Behar still beats him senseless with a chair leg.
The stock price of Purdue Pharma crashes, after it is revealed their new drug to combat PTSD (President Trump Stress Disorder) is simply double strength OxyContin.
After heading in multiple directions, the Democratic Party finally buys a compass and sets it to the polar opposite of Donald Trump, helplessly collapsing in a heap after taking six steps.
After Steve Bannon is dismissed then rehabilitated in the eyes of Donald Trump 14 separate times he secures a lucrative sponsorship deal with Duncan Yoyos.
Michael Wolff writes a best selling sequel to “Fire and Fury” called “No, Really, I’m Telling You, He’s Bat Guano Crazy.”
Every single athlete at the Winter Olympics is disqualified when tests reveal the South Korean snow is laced with sake.
Ivanka Trump polishes her Oval Office bonafides by loop watching Gary Oldman in The Darkest Hour in order to imitate his growl. Jared finds it sexy.
Oprah loses thirty pounds.
In the wake of a DC blizzard, all non-essential federal workers are encouraged to stay home and nobody in the White House reports to work. Including The Donald. No one notices.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
1.7.2018
WILL DUR$T’$ XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T

Hey!!! Sorry. Just trying to rouse everyone from their tranquil basking in the afterglow of the most wonderful time of the year. You know, the one where the retail industry celebrates swimming in black ink while the rest of us pray the frigid temps delay the bills a mite longer.

During this postsacred season of super sell-a-thons, many remember sharing our blessings with the less fortunate. But what about the more fortunate? For they truly are the forgotten men and women of the holidays. Fortunately the Republican Congress took care of them with a huge Christmas gift tax reform.

So, to continue our representatives’ thoughtful good works, let us take a few brief belated moments to offer up our much anticipated wish list that endeavors to fill the gaps left by Santa’s sack and detail what folks should have found under their tree in a very special episode of Will Durst’s Xma$ Gift Wi$h Li$t. With many items conveniently now on sale.

For Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III. A research sabbatical to Vostok Station in Antarctica.
For Melania Trump: A Nobel Peace Prize for not slapping her husband’s hand away every time they’re in public.
For Roy Moore: A return to the bench adjudicating the daily shenanigans at the Gadsden Mall Food Court.  
For Speaker of the House Paul Ryan: One gift certificate for a surgical procedure to remove that unsightly lump of Freedom Caucus hampering his stride.
For Kim Jong Un: If Trump’s approval rating falls any further, a bunker near hell.
For Donald Trump: Noise canceling headphones so he can drown out the cacophony of negativity surrounding him.
For Kevin Spacey, Harvey Weinstein, Louis CK, Charley Rose, Matt Lauer, Dustin Hoffman, Brett Ratner & Jeremy Piven: Lunch with Roman Polanski in Paris but no return ticket.
For CNN: More Russian investigation revelations. Either that or another summer of shark attacks. Or best of all… Russian sharks.
For Sarah Huckabee Sanders: A stainless steel muzzle along with detailed instructions on how to self-install.
For Fox News: More Benghazi investigation revelations. Either that or another winter of the War on Christmas. Or best of all… Happy Holidays from Benghazi.
For Dennis Rodman: An all expenses paid trip to the Winter Olympics so he can take a side trip to North Korea to save the world.
For former Minnesota Senator Al Franken: A job opening at Saturday Night Live.
For Vladimir Putin: A year’s supply of treats for his lapdog.
For Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto: A tremendous wall to keep United States citizens from overrunning his country.
For Republican Congresspersons facing midterm elections: Retroactive Snapchat technology that allows any photo of them with President Donald Trump to instantly disappear.
For VP Mike Pence: A strobe light to use at press conferences to give the appearance of movement.
For the CEO of Equifax: A new password that is not his wife’s birthday.
For Medical Science to study: Donald Trump’s brain. Sean Spicer’s mouth. Steve Bannon’s heart. And Chuck Schumer’s spine.
For Anthony Scaramucci: A big bag of coal.
For Colin Kaepernick: A job in the Canadian Football League.
For California Senator Dianne Feinstein: At least two more terms. Because you can’t have an effective government without one nonagenarian to remind us when history starts repeating itself.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."


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