6.21.17
ON THE GOOD FOOT

Need to stop and thank all the nice folk who’ve been kind enough to take time from their busy schedules to provide this column with some constructive criticism, and oh, by the way, moron is spelled with two Os, idiot doesn’t have an E and using all caps is frankly, rather rude.

It seems a segment of our loyal audience has come to the considered opinion that this award-seeking, hard-hitting, investigative journalistic feature needs to be more positive as concerns our 45th president, Donald J. Trump. And they do not mean to hear he is positively a puppet of a dyspeptic alien lizard and our country is now knee-deep in despicable doo-doo and will be for 3 years and 7 more months.

It is our most recent musings that have been accused by a grammatically-challenged few as skewing towards the contrary, overly focused on the gloomy and said unsolicited feedback implores us to make efforts concentrating on the uplifting and employing a more optimistic myopia.

It should be pointed out that the job description of political humorist does entail this sort of mocking and scoffing and taunting no matter the partisan nature of the White House occupant. That’s part of the deal. You would think people who supported a guy who called opponents “Little Marco,” “Lying Ted” and “Crooked Hillary” would realize that “Stupid Donald” was in the offing. Especially with such low-hanging fruit.

Everything is fair game, including, but not limited to, all administrative behaviors such as mendacity, stupidity, duplicity, chicanery, hypocrisy, humidity, treachery and treason. Then throw in verbatim quotes, physical features, speech patterns and an exact recitation of actions and the satirical possibilities bloom into a cornucopia of delights.

Admittedly, it is much easier to vamp on the current confusion and malfeasance than during the previous administration when scandals were at such a premium that Fox News once feigned outrage that President Barack Obama wore a beige suit.

But for those of you who feel that there has been a bias on the part of your intrepid correspondent, please accept our heartfelt apologies, and allow Durstco to make it all up to you, by calming the waters with a list of these affirmative aspects of living in America during the Time of Trump.

The next president won’t have to worry about living up to impossibly high standards.
Donald J. Trump guaranteed a post-presidential, promotional tie-in with Twitter.
No longer have to study Theater of the Absurd in French.
Washington DC legal industry specializing in criminal defense experiencing a growth spurt.
The president has done for political comedy what legalized marijuana did for Cheetos.
The phrase “witch hunt” has reentered the popular lexicon.
Even racist, xenophobic, misogynist, incompetent blowhards need role models.
His cabinet announced they are blessed to serve him and that his eyes are dreamy.
Didn't allow Ted Nugent to sing at his Inauguration.
Actual proof to the old adage that in America, anyone can grow up to be President, as long as they’re not a woman.
Both Democrats and Republicans united in their disdain for James Comey.
Don't ever have to worry about this First Lady running for president.
Russian language schools are swamped.
Sales of Maple Leaf patches to be sewn onto backpacks when traveling overseas have skyrocketed.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
6.14.17
COMEY DON’T PLAY THAT

Millions of Americans watched transfixed as James Comey testified in front of the Senate Intelligence Committee, and no, that’s not an oxymoron. To say the reaction was mixed is like intimating that pillowcases stuffed with live eels are not conducive to long naps.

The general consensus- no bombshells. Or rocket-propelled grenades. Not even a cherry bomb; just a couple of those tiny firecrackers that sort of fizzle and spin on the ground, then die out after two and a half hours of accusing the president of lying like a rug.

Here’s what happened: One guy (Donald Trump) asked another guy (James Comey) to stop investigating his friend (Michael Flynn).  2. The second guy didn’t stop investigating the first guy’s friend. 3. The first guy fired the second guy. Of these three rather unseemly facts only the first remains in dispute.

Liberals allege Comey proved that President Donald Trump obstructed justice and are preparing for an impeachment trial commencing around Father’s Day. Conservatives maintain the former FBI Director revealed he leaked important documents and a criminal trial is imminent. And oh yeah, isn’t it time to restart the Hillary Clinton email investigations?

It boils down to whether you believe Comey’s story that the country’s chief executive cornered him in the Oval Office and said he hoped the Flynn investigation would go away. Or if you believe the President who says he didn’t. and even if he did, it wouldn’t matter. But he didn’t.

A major factor in this “he said/ he said” squabble is a credibility gap the size of the Louisiana Purchase. The ambitious Jimmy Stewart, Boy Scout prosecutor versus the bombastic, make-stuff-up-as-he-goes-along real estate developer. Do you trust the man, who even his enemies admit is the quintessence of probity or the man whose own family warns people to take what he says with a grain of salt the size of Mt. Olympus?

Comey said he told Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III he didn’t want to be in a room alone with President Trump. Many women have expressed similar sentiments. Perhaps the President was eyeing him salaciously while popping Tic-Tacs.

After the hearing, The Donald crowed he was vindicated and tweeted “Comey’s a leaker.” Some anticipated the deposed feeb would respond in kind, but alas, Comey don’t play that.

When asked if the 45th POTUS had taped their conversation Comey blurted rather endearingly, “Lordy, I hope there are tapes.” But the president, when asked about the existence of recordings, said “I’ll tell you in a very short period of time,” which makes no sense. It’s a yes or no question. Doesn’t require further study. Although, we wouldn’t want to discourage such activity.  

In his defense, House Speaker Paul Ryan said the president is new to this sort of thing and doesn’t know what he’s doing. Still got his training wheels on. Only had a couple of at bats at Presidential Spring Training. Isn’t quite housebroken. Meanwhile, he’s peeing on all of our shoes.

Who’s surprised? Donald Trump has entered his eighth decade. Pretty sure his learning curve doesn’t have many more bendy parts left in it. Can’t teach an old dog new tricks? Hell, we just want this old dog to stop barking during the night and chewing off his own limbs.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
6.6.17
MAKE AMERICA JURASSIC AGAIN

President Donald Trump possesses a style described by friends as virile and intuitive and by foes as oafish and oblivious. Some see him a breath of fresh air, with a disarming directness and others consider him a blustering bully with the grace of a pile of crumbling cement blocks cascading off a flatbed truck. Passionate versus fool-hardy. Eager slash hasty. Swift or rash.

But these are principally domestic arguments. The international community is not so divided. They view our new Chief Executive as a brutish barbarian whose goal is to antagonize the rest of the planet. Not just the other nations of the world, but Mother Earth herself.

45’s first overseas trip initially dropped him successfully in Saudi Arabia and Israel where he mostly antagonized his wife. Then the reality TV star traveled to a NATO meeting where he scolded its members, and demonstrated how to put America first by shoving the Prime Minister of Montenegro to the side in order to rush to the front of a photo shoot. “Out of the way, pal.”

Arriving home, Trump leaped back onto the Twitter Train, shooting out a midnight tweet ending with the words “press covfefe.” He either spelled the word “coverage” wrong or was rhapsodizing about the java coming out of his French Press. Or both.

What happened after that, nobody knows. Perhaps he drifted off, confident that he had rallied the troops. Or maybe he realized his mistake and tried to correct the spelling but was betrayed by his undersized digits and ended up hitting “send.”

We’ve all done it. Most of us would have stopped, deleted and started over. But President Golden Canopy not only left aloft this incoherent muddle, the next day he doubled down with another incomprehensibility, “Who can figure out the true meaning of “Covfefe” ??? Enjoy!” 

Unable to resort to his usual lame obfuscation: “the tweet speaks for itself,” because it didn’t, Spokesperson Sean Spicer insisted the president and a small group of people knew what the post meant but couldn’t keep a straight face when saying it.  

Because the president is incapable of admitting a mistake. Ever. Not even a misspelled word. Simply put, the malignant orange narcissist is purposefully messing with us. The President of the United States is screwing with his constituents over a typo. He’s 12.

Later he told Planet Earth to take a hike, announcing America was pulling out of the Paris Climate Accord. His reasoning for joining Syria and Nicaragua to stand against 194 signers of the pact is it would handicap our country economically. And with him in charge, the fewer handicaps, the better.

Trump is intent on fulfilling his campaign promise to Make America Jurassic Again, even though over forty major US corporations including GM, GE, Chevron, Shell, Apple, ExxonMobil and BP favor the agreement, because they have come to the opinion that the extinction of the human species might not be good for business.

Liberals fear a hidden agenda of the GOP’s Plan is to step up global warming to raise ocean waters, thereby flooding California coastline cities turning the state’s 55 electoral votes reliably red. Then again, maybe, when the President mentioned that he doesn’t want other countries laughing at us anymore, what he was really saying is he’s ready to step down. Fingers crossed.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
5.23.17
Best Radioactive Spider Ever

Donald John Trump is keeping people busy. He’s got staffers, lawyers, streaming news alert editors, impeachment historians, ethics investigators, hair spray manufacturers, Putin watchers, real-estate interpreters, all frantically flapping and squawking like a flock of seagulls outside a sardine plant at low tide.

Watch any of the network or cable news broadcasts and you instantly note that all the anchors are exhausted. Their “Breaking News” graphic… broke. Half of Washington has gone deaf, what with all the bombshells exploding with little or no warning around their tiny Beltway heads.

A majority of the president’s problems seem self-inflicted. Broken-racketed unforced errors. The Apprentice Chief Executive has made more missteps than the last place finisher in a drunken hopscotch tournament with a watch cap pulled over his eyes on cobblestones. Every time someone escorts the blonde bull out of Ye Olde China Shoppe, he sneaks around back and butts his way through another wall just because he loves the sound of breaking crystal.

Immediately after firing FBI Director James Comey, the president called him “a nut job” and shared classified intelligence with two Russian diplomats. But then the White House assured the country that Mr. Trump was never in possession of any intelligence he could have shared. And America is totally willing to believe that whole “not in possession of any intelligence” part.

In defense of this disclosure of classified Israeli intel, Trump claims he can say anything to anybody at anytime because as President he has special powers. Apparently he was bitten by a radioactive spider. But the biggest and best and most beautifulest of any radioactive spider that anyone has ever seen. This was a huuuuuuuge radioactive spider. Everyone is talking about it.

To say his last week was rocky is like intimating the glove compartment of a car crushed by a compactor is not the best place to store beer. Inexplicably, Trump told the Economist magazine he invented the phrase “priming the pump” which according to Webster’s has been in general usage since 1933. He’s King of the Inexplicable.

Next he’ll maintain he’s responsible for the phrase “out of control dumpster fire” as well. Of course, he has provided one heck of a high bar for all future comparisons.

Deputy Attorney General Rosenstein felt compelled to appoint a Special Prosecutor to get to the bottom of possible Russian collusion and obstruction of justice and all-round, random mendacity. The fastest any president in history has been targeted with a special prosecutor. Ever. In less than 4 months, he’s gone from zero to Nixon.

Getting the hell out of Dodge, the President embarked on a 9 day, 5 city foreign tour visiting Saudi Arabia, Israel, Belgium and the Vatican. For a guy who hates to travel and goes off script like a five year old at “Everything’s Free Day” at Disneyland, visiting the centers of 3 world religions offers more hidden minefields than walking barefoot in the dark through the western sand dunes of Egypt.

POTUS 45’s first overseas trip culminates at the G-7 conference in Taormina, Italy. The G-7 used to be known as the G-8 until Russia was kicked out for annexing Crimea. But now that they’ve annexed us, are they back in the loop? Perhaps that’s a question better suited for the special prosecutor. Time to take the Fifth. Of Scotch.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
5.16.17
PRESIDENT RASKOLNIKOV

The firing of FBI Director James Comey by the President of the United States slammed Washington with the suddenness of a two-story bowling ball hitting the South Portico after being dropped from a blimp. And the repercussions have shot across the Capitol like a flurry of Kansas tornadoes, causing the entire Beltway to chant, “There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.”  

A variety of reasons were given for the hasty dismissal. The FBI is in turmoil. Comey lost the confidence of the FBI rank and file. He did a lousy job. Way too tall. Has weird hair. Talks funny. Passes gas in elevators, pretending other people are responsible, then waves his hands and lights matches.

Supposedly, President Trump was unhappy with “atrocities” committed during the Hillary Clinton email investigation. Six months later, the President objects to actions that might have handed him the Oval Office. Makes as much sense as New England Patriot wide receivers complaining that Tom Brady throws his passes too accurately.

Maybe the President just likes firing people. It is his brand. Eventually he fires everybody: people who help him, people who don’t help him, people who don’t want to help him, complete strangers, employees, chefs, wives, pets, and various pieces of household furniture. Jared Kushner should start worrying about being stripped of his position as consort to Princess Ivanka. Rumor continue to float the reason Melania remains in New York City is proximity to a better class of divorce lawyers.

In the beginning, Comey’s sacking was said to be the recommendation of Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein. This scenario was promoted by Vice President Mike Pence, White House insiders and a newly rolled out apprentice press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who is flip-flopping with Sean Spicer, so as not to wear him out. Like alternating two pairs of dress shoes neither of which can walk straight.

But then the President told NBC anchor Lester Holt that he had already prepared to bum-rush Comey, throwing his own staffers so deep under the bus, they got axle grease all over their inaccurate little lips. Trump said one reason for pink-slipping the director is because the guy was a big time showboater and grandstander. Trump said that. About someone else. You can't make stuff up like this.

The irony of this emerging from the mouth of President Braggadocio should be taken not with a grain of salt but an entire 15 pound Himalayan hanging salt lick. A statement of such breathtaking myopia, it earns a plaque in the Self-Delusional Hall of Fame.

POTUS 45 said J. Edgar’s successor told him three times that he wasn’t under investigation which could be construed as obstructing justice and so illegal, chuckles will soon be leaking from Richard Nixon’s grave. Not to mention Hillary Clinton’s bunker. Who would never have fired Comey. Right.

After actually intimating he was thinking about the Russian probe, Trump then walked into a closed door meeting with the very same Russian diplomat, Sergey Kislyak, who’s at the heart of the investigation. Talk about two-story bowling balls.

Firing the guy investigating him does make the aerodynamic coif appear a bit desperate, almost like Raskolnikov, the guilty and paranoid protagonist in “Crime and Punishment.” Another Russian. Coincidence? Well. Yeah. Okay. Probably.  

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
5.9.17
President Trump Stress Disorder

An epidemic is sweeping the nation, causing sufferers to experience feelings of hopeless doom, certain annihilation and cataclysmic collapse. It’s an existential plague manifesting itself by enveloping the stricken in a black cloud of despairing suicidal thoughts. The malady that is striking down innocent citizens left and lefter is… the Presidency of Donald J. Trump. It is literally making people sick.

Many doctors have taken note of this disturbing trend and some are calling it PTSD2, President Trump Stress Disorder. Definitely not to be confused with the much more serious Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That is a condition afflicting those that have survived a past dire and/or life-threatening experience. Not a single thing funny there. Don’t even look. Nope. Not close to humorous. Keep moving. Nothing to see.

Rather, PTSD2 is a condition that afflicts people from mostly urban areas or anyplace with a museum or library, who are worrying about a future they may or may not survive. Many safe bubbles were shaken and popped by last year’s election and the soapy fallout is being felt on psychiatric couches from here to Vienna. And you can bet nobody at any of the Big Pharmaceuticals is complaining either.

Victims of PTSD2 find themselves alternately shocked and alarmed and surprised and angry and scared and anxious and confused and amused and amazed and nervous and depressed and worried and thisclose to eye-gouging panic. Both their own eyes and other peoples’ eyes.

An equal almost opposite reaction is affecting an entirely different group of Americans, and that is unbridled joy and spontaneous dancing and the drinking of many frosty adult beverage toasts. Mostly Bud Light. Surprisingly, both these phenomena are being alternately heightened and exacerbated through copious self-administered treatments of medicinal cannabis. 

In order to determine whether you are suffering from the debilitating effects of this harrowing disease known as PTSD2, please consult the following.

TOP SYMPTOMS OF PRESIDENT TRUMP STRESS DISORDER

Inability to sleep or sleep disturbed by recurring nightmares. Most involve a second or third term.
Flashbacks to a simpler time when Trump was a goofy reality TV star.
When using any word that rhymes with Trump you become sick to your stomach.
Find yourself saying to no one in particular “Imagine if Obama had done that?”
Steadfast refusal to watch the news. Too much like enabling him.
For no apparent reason you will start screaming at your cat. Or Alex Trebek.
If and when somebody mentions Obama Care you start weeping and/ or pulling hair from your head.
Constantly replay your movements on November 8, 2016, wondering what you could have done to change the course of events.
Inability to recall anything that happened during Donald J. Trump transition period.
Emotionally numb to the point of not caring about fluffy bunnies or baby ducklings.
Intense feelings of guilt for just not liking Hillary enough.
Laugh hysterically at Garfield cartoons.
Lately the term "moderation" means no tequila shooters before noon.
Hearing his name makes you put your hands over your ears and go “la-la-la-la-la.”
Find yourself saying to no one in particular "Imagine if Hillary had said that?"
Confronted with difficult choices you respond, "Aaah, the hell with it. What difference does it make?"

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today." Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
5.3.17
TRUMP’S FIRST 100 DAYS REPORT CARD

Seems like decades since Barack Obama handed the keys to the country over to the House of Trump, but that was the end of January, barely 3 months ago. Can’t tell if it’s one of those “time flies when you’re having fun” deals or “it all happened so fast,” like during a car crash or being mugged. Or being mugged during a car crash.

President Trump has made a huge deal about not making a big thing of his first 100 days. Dismissing the whole event as a media creation and artificial benchmark. Mainly because you could stuff the whole of his accomplishments in a shot glass and they would still rattle around like a golf ball in a railroad car.

He’s also contradicting his own campaign rhetoric from when he insisted it would be a yardstick of his awesome, incredible transitional prowess. Once again, covering his bases by bouncing across both sides of every issue like a hyperactive cricket on prom night.

Besides the folks forced to sign loyalty oaths, there are three camps in the whole “How has He Done So Far?” debate. The group that claim he’s a disaster. The few that maintain he’s an incredible disaster and those who contend he’s not as big a disaster as expected.

But either way, the guy deserves kudos for making it to triple digits. So, let’s look at his report card for the first 100 days of term one. Because who knows if he or we will be around for the next 1361.

• Mathematics. C-. Claimed to have more electoral votes than any president since Reagan. Which is only true if you don’t count George Herbert Walker Bush, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama. Outside of that, spot on.
• International Relations. C-. Problems differentiating between good guys and bad guys. Already picked fights with Great Britain, Canada, Mexico and Australia. In terms of diplomatic complexity, those aren’t the tough ones. 
• African-American Studies. D-. Mocked Congressman John Lewis and thought that Frederick Douglas was still alive. Sad.
• Sex Education. B+. No discernable activity at all, which considering his track record, most folks appreciate.
• Health Studies. D-. “Who knew health care could be so complicated?” Um, everybody. Except you. Again.
• Environmental Studies. F. Invested in bringing back the coal industry. And VHS tapes. And sock garters and buggy whips and we’ll make lamps that burn whale blubber again.
• Social studies. C+. Heavy on the social. Light on the studies.
• Physical Education. A+. Getting plenty of exercise on the golf course.
• Dramatics. B-. Performances a bit over the top. As is the makeup.
• Penmanship. A. Signature looks very attractive on extensive series of Executive Orders.
• Physics. D. Unable to grasp simple concepts like all actions having equal and opposite reactions.
• Fashion: D. Still wearing bad shiny suits and ties that look like monochromatic drool bibs.
• Language Arts. D-. Vocabulary limited to adjectives.
• Art Appreciation. F. Just not his thing.
• World History. C-. Seems determined to prove the old adage that those who ignore history are doomed to retweet it.
• Home Room Conduct. C-. Tends to be disruptive. Acts like it’s all about him.
• General Comments. Continues to ignore help when offered. Problems accepting responsibility. Does not play well with others.
• Overall Grade. C-. Tremendous room for improvement.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
4.26.17
BAd Hair Wars

Enterprising entrepreneurs out there might want to invest in a fleet of tractor backhoes and partial ownership of a limestone quarry, because it’s starting to look like bunker-digging time in America. The threat of nuclear war is spiking like the needle of a meat thermometer on a lava-flow.

Won’t be long before all the Marts; K, Wal, Quickie and the rest, start advertising red, white and blue specials on duct tape and plastic wrap. Survivalist sales. Civilization closeouts. Mankind markdowns.

Various parts of the country are reacting differently. In the south, they’re hoarding grits and preserving tomatoes while California stockpiles cases of organic, heirloom, artisanal, gluten-free cannellini beans from the northwest district of the Tuscany region. Golden State bunkers have hardwood floors and a view.

While President Trump is busy dropping healthy payloads of big-d Democracy on various Mideast miscreants, North Korea’s Kim Jong Un has started to kick demilitarized sand in our face, sticking out his nuclear tongue and wagging thumbs in his ears. Might not even be his own thumbs. Could be his uncle’s thumbs.

It’s 1950 all over again. A brand new serving of the old Cold War with a little kimchi on the side. The difference being the sequel is destined be televised in color and not a single General MacArthur can be found. This time both combatants are overseen by Mad Dogs.

We should have known the Beloved Leader would flip out, having been recently supplanted atop the prestigious “World’s Wackiest Leader with the Weirdest Hair” list. An award that had been in his family for generations. That was the Kim legacy. Poor little chubby Korean kid had one thing going for him, and Trump took it away.  

Interesting to note the two have more in common than worst commander-in-chief haircuts in history. They also have rabid-mammal with cut-paw temperaments. Complicated family relationships. A penchant for rearranging cabinets on a whim. Although removal from the North Korean circle of influence does tend be a tad more permanent.

The Pentagon might be taking the whole thing more seriously if Pyongyang were to develop a delivery system more efficient than a team of musk oxen. Their missiles have a disquieting habit of blowing up on the launch pad like Pop Tarts in a malfunctioning toaster during a power surge.

But the jeopardy is legitimate enough to have spurred Vice President Mike Pence to rattle a few sabers on the south end of the DMZ, where he pronounced the US was about to abandon its "failed policy of strategic patience." Which sounds suspiciously like “straighten up and fly right or someone’s going to bed without dinner. Again."

President Trump even reversed a campaign pledge to label China a currency manipulator in hopes that North Korea’s adult neighbor to the north will keep on eye on the local juvenile delinquent and apply the appropriate economic spanking if necessary. With a leather belt studded with ivory.

After all, China has a vested interest in seeing that nothing happens to us, since we owe them trillions of dollars. It’s a smart dealer that keeps his best junkie from getting beaten up. It’s all so very exciting that every day without a mushroom cloud should be considered a victory. Although, some might call that a bit too exciting.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
4.13.17
Covey of Caucuses

During the Trump Care Meltdown, when the same Republicans that chanted “Repeal & Replace” for 7 years, folded like a broken down lawn chair in a category 5 hurricane, we learned about a couple mysterious Republican Congressional Caucuses instrumental in torpedoing the AHCA. These two groups come from such opposite sides of the political spectrum they undoubtedly have dartboards with each other’s pictures tacked to the middle.

The Freedom Caucus is made up of members that formerly self-identified as Tea Partiers but changed their name to interact with civilized people. Of course we’re referring to those unsung heroes of the Democratic process: forced to trudge the minefields of ego and weather the storms of unconscionable incompetence, those brave patriots that soldier on in relative obscurity as Congressional staffers.

Way over on the other side is the Tuesday Group, moderate Republicans; which in the 60s were known as the Wednesday Group. Seriously. You got to wonder if there’s a 2nd Thursday in Months that Don’t Have an R in Them Group because if so, they haven’t been much of a factor lately.

Most citizens aren’t aware of these special interest caucuses flying under the radar like sparrows through cable ducts, plotting and lobbying and exerting influence and stiffing caterers all over the greater DC Area. Complete with secret handshakes and hazing rituals. “Last one to raise 200 thousand by next Monday has to pay for the double tray of ‘Dogs in a Blanket.’”

One of the nearly 200 official groups is the Mental Health Caucus ostensibly charged to study the multitude of mental health problems plaguing the country and the lucky part is the wealth of raw material available without ever leaving the Capitol grounds.  

The Bipartisan Heroin Taskforce doesn’t actually use heroin, but they know where you can get it. The Congressional Asthma & Allergy Taskforce meets when pollen counts are low, or not. And the Electromagnetic Pulse Caucus is rigorous about backing up the minutes of their meetings onto multiple hard drives.

There’s the Congressional Cannabis Caucus that one likes to think gets together every Friday at 4:20. And of course, the Friends of Kazakhstan Caucus. Or is it the Friends of Lanie Kazan Caucus? Always get those two mixed up.

Don’t know if The Brotherhood of Liver Transplant Recipients, the 3rd Wives Elimination Group, Tiny Hands Union, The Elvis Caucus, a group of Southerners whose meetings feature a fried banana and peanut butter sandwich buffet or the Floss With Domestic Licorice Advancement Group exist, but they could.

The Blue Dog Coalition is a group of conservative Democrats and totally different than Yellow Dog Democrats, so enamored of their party they would vote for a yellow dog if it were on the Democrat ballot. No Purple Dog Democrats or Plaid Dog Democrats, yet, but the chroma-kennel is definitely growing.

The Congressional Values Action Team exists, but hasn’t spread its sphere of influence very wide. Everyone get honorary membership in the Mirror Appreciation Society, and undoubtedly, there’s a Beelzebub Friendship Network and Bipartisan Flunky & Bootlicker Support Group that operate under different names.

While the vast majority of caucuses are not much more than excuses to drink with friends in private, the most useless and ineffectual group that occasionally meets but accomplishes absolutely nothing is a group you may know as… the Democrats.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
4.5.17
Broken News

Supposedly, the Chinese or the Arabs or the Scientologists or one of those ancient inscrutable cultures, has a saying that goes "May you live in interesting times."  It is generally considered to be a curse. And America right now is living in the most interesting of times.

It’s breathtaking how thrilling and frenetic the news has gotten. Every single day. Almost too exciting. Starting to look like one of those pre-opening credits sequences of a science-fiction movie that takes place in the ruins of a dystopian civilization. "And Then All Hell Broke Loose."

It’s not just we news junkies; the whole world is transfixed. Unprecedented numbers of eyeballs troll the interwebs. Ratings for Fox News and MSNBC have shot past the outer orbits of the Moons of Mercury. Everybody is talking politics. Including people who can’t spell it. News is constantly breaking. And nobody ever fixes it.

Olden-timey analogue formats such as newspapers and magazines are flying off shelves. Wouldn’t be surprised to hear that kindling and blanket sales are way up for those who remain partial to smoke signals. Techies are holding Morse Code Bees on their Google buses.

Washington these days is like a soap opera with ugly people. Daze of Our Lives. The Not-So Young and Extremely Reckless. There’s danger, intrigue, romance, treachery, skullduggery, dirty tricks, double-dealing, skulking, lurking, burping, barking. No sex yet, but it’s coming. As long as Bill Clinton, Bill O’Reilly and Fox News are near the mix.

The House Intelligence Committee, which is an oxymoron of biblical proportions, has a chairman, Devin Nunes, playing cloak and dagger on the White House lawn with administration staffers passing him classified documents that he later relays to the President himself. Peter slipping Paul a note to give back to Pete’s boss.

Revelations continue to pop up like gophers on a freshly seeded sod farm. Terrorism expert Clint Watts testified in front of the Senate Intelligence Committee, which is only an oxymoron of comic book proportions, and told them "Follow the trail of dead Russians." And at the end you find a pot of gold and a cooler full of vodka. 

This is "Homeland" meets "House of Cards", with Kevin Spacey playing all the parts, added to large parts James Bond, but not the cool elegant Daniel Craig version. More like one of Roger Moore’s last appearances as the old and slow secret agent who would ask scantily-clad women to fetch him a glass of water for his teeth.

White House Spokesperson Sean Spicer creeps closer and closer to an inevitable televised breakdown. Already his eyes are spinning like zero gravity, electro-magnetic Frisbees. Any day now, he’ll show up at a press briefing wearing his tie as a bandana and a knife gripped between clenched teeth, taunting the assembled "who wants a piece of me?"  

And now the former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn has announced he wants immunity to testify. Immunity for what? And testify about what? Nobody knows. But his lawyer claims he has a story to tell. And it’s not "Goldilocks & the Three Bears." Although the administration already claims it is a Grimm Fairy Tale. All this, and we’re only 10 weeks in. Stay tuned. This is going to make "Legion" look like "The Brady Bunch."

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today." Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
3.29.17
Ordeal and Disgrace

It has been assailed as the end of democracy. Vilified as a form of slavery. Denigrated, denounced and disparaged. But like a blind, three-legged dog named "Lucky," against all odds, the Affordable Care Act has survived and remains the law of the land.

For 7 years the GOP has beaten President Obama’s signature legislation until they and everyone around them were covered in a fine red mist. In the face of a guaranteed veto by the man they nicknamed the bill after, the Republican House of Representatives voted to repeal it over 60 times, but the first chance they got as a majority, with a sure-fire presidential signature, they choked like a skinny-necked goose being force-fed gravel.

Their oft-repeated mantra was "Repeal and replace" but when push came to shove, they resorted to "Ordeal and disgrace." "Raw deal and lose face." "Surreal and deface."  

For the new President, it was a lesson in Government 101. The head of Trump University got himself schooled. The learning curve for Apprentice Chief Executives looks to be a mite steeper than the reverse trajectory of a bundled tax return wrapped around a vodka bottle thrown off the roof of Trump Tower.

Trump’s legitimate shock at the turn of events seems to indicate he hadn’t been paying attention the last couple of years. And this could very well be why, traditionally, the presidency has not been an entry-level position.

This, the very same consummate Deal Maker that earlier asked, "Who knew health care could be so complicated?" Um. Everybody. Except you. Again.

In defeat, the author of "The Art of the Deal," blasted everyone; the Democrats, the media, Nancy Pelosi, Paul Ryan, Charles Barkley, until finally placing the blame for the scuttling of Trump Care on his own right wing’s Freedom Caucus. The group that demanded concessions, received them, then still wouldn’t vote for the bill. With friends like those, who needs lizard-like, alien invaders?

The problem was, after eliminating standards for minimum benefits including ambulances, hospitalization, prescriptions, maternity care, drug and mental heath treatment, pediatric services, emergency services and labs, the American Health Care Act was less health insurance and more malady assurance.

24 million citizens were estimated to lose health care coverage under the AHCA and that was before the total vivisection of the bill. Making passage even stickier since moderates ran away like avocados leaving Mexico the week before the Super Bowl.

The group switched its name from Tea Party to Freedom Caucus, because they’re fighting for the freedom of all Americans to die without government intervention. To them, compromise isn’t just a dirty word, it’s a hanging offense. Even with the rope strung around their own necks, they are resolute as glue-footed moths on a porch light.

Now Trump says he’s moving on, because "The best thing we can do, politically speaking, is let Obama Care explode." That’s what you want from a leader. Someone willing to sacrifice. His constituents.

But moving on isn’t a total lock either. He hasn’t yet said, "Who knew that a border wall or tax reform or rebuilding our infrastructure could be so complicated," but now that the Tea Partiers have the taste of blood in their mouths, he might. The best news for all concerned is that Obama Care still covers depression.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today." Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
3.22.17
March Madness

The entire nation is transfixed like a litter of kittens in front of a fishbowl of hyperactive minnows as the screwy shenanigans known as March Madness unfold. And mad is right. It’s crazy out there. Totally zany. Nuttier than the hospitality suite at a squirrel convention. As kooky as a skateboard rack in the foyer of an assisted living facility.

The productivity of offices has sunk to 4 am levels as Americans find it impossible to turn off our devices and look away from the streaming spectacle of backcourt body slams, missed lay-ups and crowd hysteria. The howling of normally disinterested bystanders periodically shatters the quiet hum as we watch amateurs get smoked and lambasted in the face of daunting odds.

But alas, this isn’t about a bad case of hoops frenzy. We’re talking about the wild, weird and wacky machinations emanating from the Trump White House. Most administrations try to hit the ground running, this one careened out of the tunnel tripping over the ball rack, hoisting crazed half court hook shots while backpedalling into mascots and playing defense. Badly.

Instead of a fast break after his opening tip, both POTUS’s Muslim bans got blocked. The 45th President stomped up and down the court railing against the refs for banning the ban, and the media for calling his Muslim ban, a Muslim ban. One announcer wondered why Muslims wouldn’t enter the country simply pretending to be Christians, as that’s what most of us do. They’d fit right in.

Next, in what should have been a slam-dunk, Trump-Care, was criticized by both teams, the crowd, shoe manufacturer reps, beer vendors and even some cheerleaders, for looking suspiciously like Obama Care, without any of that "Care" part attached.

Although he’s plastered his name on chocolate bars, vodka, eyeglasses and barstools, the president objected to calling the replacement health care bill, Trump-Care. Which sort of made even his own trainers and assistant coaches wince and do a double take.

With the clock winding down on his credibility, both the House and Senate Intelligence committees announced finding no evidence to the President’s accusation that his phones were tapped by former President Obama. He said he heard someone on Fox News making the claim, but even Fox News said, "You’re kidding, right?"

Sean Spicer, the press spokesperson, whiffed on a series of free throws, trying single-handedly to keep the ball in play but got caught double-teamed on the baseline with nowhere to pass, because Kellyanne Conway was back in the locker room nursing a strained microwave or some other subversive kitchen appliance.

The President himself was of little help, demanding to play point guard, power forward and center without any knowledge of the playbook, game, opponent, what was at stake or on which bench the rest of his team was sitting.

Setting records for unforced turnovers with fumbled rebounds, errant passes, double-dribbles, traveling violations and a flurry of airballs, D. J. Trump committed so many flagrant offensive fouls it was a miracle he wasn’t hit with three or four technicals and kicked out of the game if not sent back to the team hotel on the company bus. But he wasn’t, because, as those of us watching at home know: he’s also the coach. And the sponsor.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today." Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
3.15.17
Just Do It

The English language has a healthy share of euphemisms for lying. Fabrication. Falsification. Making stuff up. Inoperative statements. Alternative facts. Big fat fibs. Untruths. Spinning. Puffery. Flummery. Fast food advertising. NFL owner profit/loss statements.

But they all mean the same thing: saying out loud things you know are not true. No matter which polite term you prefer, America in the middle of a Lying Renaissance. And we have President Donald J. Trump to thank for perfecting the practice of public prevarication to an art form. He is the Picasso of hogwash.

Throughout his career, Trump has deflected trouble by waving a bright shiny object, throwing it into a corner and yelling, "hey what’s that over there?"

In the business world The Donald erected huge TRUMP signs before reneging on promises and stiffing contractors. On the campaign trail he shot out baseless allegations like a t-shirt cannon at minor league ballgame. Now, as President, cascades of groundless gibberish flow from him like rainwater off the Oroville Dam spillway.

Every politician lies and both Bill Clinton and Richard Nixon got caught in whoppers, but not until the end of their second terms. Trump has rocketed out of the gate as the least credible federal office-holder in history. Which is saying something. Like being called the scariest clown at a circus convention.

First Mr. Trump claimed his inauguration was the most attended ever, when photos clearly reveal half of those that assembled in 2009. Who you going to believe, me, or your lying eyes?

He then accused 3,000,000 non-existent people of voting illegally, the same exact amount he lost the popular vote by. Alternative facts are kissing cousins to alternative math. 2 plus 2 is whatever he says it is. And 0 + 0 is 3,000,000.

Recently, the new president accused the old president, Barack Hussein Obama, of wiretapping Trump Tower. With no proof. At all. Even Trump’s own staff were quoted as saying, "hunh, what?" Then were force marched onto television to lob sparkly Christmas ornaments at weekend anchors and production assistants.

James Clapper, the former director of National Intelligence, which is starting to sound like an oxymoron, denied that any surveillance was authorized. But Chief Aide Kellyanne Conway suggested that perhaps it was done through partisan kitchen appliances dabbling in espionage.

One reason President Trump gets away with his fables and fakery is because the media has the attention span of a hover of hummingbirds in a green house on blossom day. Although people are questioning the provenance of his charges, nobody’s talking about his Russian connections anymore. Mission Accomplished.

It’s a genius strategy that can work in real life as well. Think grade school and get creative.

• Tell the boss the report is overdue because it was eaten by a pack of wild Tanzanian boars that have overrun your back yard. Even if you live in a high rise.

• Caught holding someone else’s wallet? You weren’t stealing, but rather protecting their possessions from other unscrupulous persons by hiding the money in your pocket for safekeeping.

• Does your spouse have naked photos of you in the arms of another? Total misunderstanding: this unfortunate person was suffering from hypothermia and you were simply applying life-restoring, body heat. Internally.

Accountability is soooooo… 2015. As Nike used to say, "Just Do It."

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today." Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
3.9.17
RUSSIAN NESTING SQUALLS

Whoever said that a week in politics can be a lifetime, was living so far in the past, they probably have a drawer full of sock garters. Today, in the Land of Trump that time frame has been compressed to an hour. And considering the stormy week we just survived, every one of us ought to have grey hair, be eligible to collect three or four social security checks and have all our earthly possessions catalogued in a living will.

Instead of luxuriating in the rave reviews following his speech to Congress that the 45th President recited in his newly discovered indoor voice, the administration immediately began reeling from rolling disclosures that various members of his staff met with Russians during the campaign, the transition and in their dreams.

The revelations accentuating the perception of collusion between members of Trump’s inner circle and our Cold War opponents gained a potency that exceeded peppered vodka spiked with Siberian methamphetamine and started spilling out like pods of Russian nesting dolls turned upside down.

The U.S. Attorney-General, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, meaning there were two other guys named Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, which is frightening enough, recused himself from all investigations, because Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III investigating Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III would look weird and be way too confusing.

Turns out when he said under oath in his confirmation hearing that "I didn’t have any meetings with the Russians," what the former Alabama Governor meant to say was he didn’t have any meetings with the Russians except a couple, that we really don’t need to know about, and should keep our noses out of his personal business, dammit. Which is personal. His business, that is.

Then a couple more Trumpian underlings remembered they might have, perhaps, met some folks, nice people, who could have been foreigners, and seemed vaguely Russianish, maybe in Cleveland or one of those other rusting Midwestern cities. Or was it Miami?

The big question now is how high do the Russian connections go? In other words what did Trump know and when did he know he knew it? To put it another way, what didn’t he know and who knows that he knew he didn’t know and why? Or does he even know that what he didn’t know he knew was unknowable at the time, which is now? And most importantly, who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men. The Shadow knows.

Especially curious is the fact that Trump insults everybody: the media, the judiciary, the intelligence community, Meryl Streep, Nordstrom, people who prefer vinegar based coleslaw, but never Vladimir Putin. Which is as suspicious as an AK-47 with a smoking barrel in your crisper bin.

Trump still refuses to admit it was the Russians that hacked the Democratic National Committee. "Maybe it was a 400 pound fat guy on a couch." Hate to see Chris Christie get thrown under the bus like that. Can’t be too good for the bus either. Sad.

In order to deflect attention from his Russian connection, Donald J. Trump then shocked the world by alleging he had just been told that Barack Obama had bugged Trump Tower. Or perhaps we misunderstood. After all, Donald Trump is a child of the 60’s. Maybe what he meant to say was "Don’t you get it man? I don’t dig that black cat. Barack Obama is heavy-duty bugging me, man."

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today." Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
2.22.17
Fake News prez

No matter what you think of Donald J. Trump, you got to admit he’s a cracker-jack salesman with an uncanny gift for manipulating the mainstream media like a three-armed rental clown juggling pin-pulled grenades on an express elevator to hell.

Every single day something he touches starts smoking. You’ve heard of the Midas Touch; DJT has the Hades Touch. His very being is constructed to strike the flint that shoots a spark towards the tetchy kindling he calls staff.

At least living in the Eastern and Central time zones, folks experience the pandemonium in real time while we out west are doubly disconcerted constantly waking up to wonder, "what fresh human bonfire has been set off already?" While we fitfully slept in California the Orange Firestarter had a three-hour head start to light another fuse to Armageddon.

In his first press conference since moving into the White House, the 45th President ignited further conflagrations first by calling the media "dishonest" then disputing both logic and math. Say what you will, he does punch upwards. Logic and math are not lightweight opponents.

The real estate developer turned apprentice leader of the free world is an expert in ranting and raving while holding the press to standards he refuses to live up to or believe in. He bizarrely repeatedly claimed to have more electoral votes than anybody since Reagan, which is only true if you don’t count Clinton, Bush One or Obama.

When a reporter pointed out the discrepancy, Trump dismissed him with, "well, I was given that information." Presumably by the same people who told him he won the debates, enjoys widespread popularity and has accomplished more than any other president at this juncture in his reign.  

Trump mentioned ratings numerous times. He gets good ratings. CNN has lousy ratings. He eats Ratings Bran for breakfast. From out of nowhere he proclaimed "a nuclear holocaust would be like no other," which is like saying total human extinction would be odd. You get the feeling he’d be okay with one as long as the ratings were huge. Which they would be, initially. Later on, not so much.

Anything he doesn’t like or disagrees with gets labeled "fake news." Since the election he’s jumped on the phrase like an old dog with a new chew toy. Fake news. Fake news. Fake news. He repeats the phrase so much he runs the risk of becoming the Fake News President. Although many folks maintain the "news" part is superfluous.

He finished by calling his administration: "a fine-tuned machine." Which sounds better than "out of control dumpster fire," but a tad less accurate. Whatever machine he’s talking about, you’ll want to wear a hard hat and keep the kids 50 feet away decked out in fire retardant clothes. The machine may be fine-tuned but either the mechanics are under-trained, have been given the wrong tools or are disciples of the Three Stooges.

Trump says he knows stuff nobody else does. Can’t imagine what it could be, but fairly certain we can rule out anything algebraically based. Meanwhile the biggest fear of a 3 million-majority segment of America is once this guy realizes he’s destined to go down as the worst president in history, he might prefer to be remembered as the last president in history.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today." Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
2.15.17
THE TRUMPISH CABINET

In typical liberal fashion, the mean weenie left has called Donald Trump’s cabinet horrible things. "Corrupt nitwits." "Career criminals." "Greedy thugs." "Clueless dunces." "Bad dancers."

But no one accuses them of being poor. Depending on whether you believe Bloomberg or the Wall Street Journal, the administration’s brain trust will be worth between 8 and 16 billion dollars. Trump’s not just going to drain the swamp, he’s going to subdivide it.

Yes, he railed against Goldman-Sachs during the campaign, but a Commander-in-Chief knows the importance of expert money management, and The Donald has chosen a slew of people who worked at the investment firm. Obviously operating under the biblical dictum; "know thine enemy."

Whether his picks are millionaires, billionaires or gazillionaires, they are all committed to the Trump vision. He may have issued an executive order to keep violent extremists from entering the country, but has no problem filling his cabinet with them.

Predictably, the Democrats resorted to their old stall-and-delay tactics, but haven’t stopped a single confirmation. They make eunuchs look like sperm whales. Let’s dismiss their silly baseless charges right now, shall we?  

Scott Pruitt, the new EPA director nominee sued the agency he’s about to run thirteen times. Big deal. He’s familiar with the legal department.

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin made millions off the Great Recession by foreclosing on tens of thousands of homeowners. Opportunity doesn’t need to knock twice for this guy.

Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos, never went to public school or sent any of her five kids to public school. Ever. Which means she’s starting off with a blank slate. No preconceptions.

Tom Price, the new Health & Human Services Director once introduced a bill to Congress that benefited a company he had investments in. It’s a trustworthy man that knows who his friends are.

Linda McMahon, CEO of World Wrestling, now in charge of the Small Business Administration. Want a loan? Prove you can go three minutes without being thrown into the turnbuckle. That’ll separate the wheat from the chaff.

The Ambassador to the United Nations is from South Carolina where ‘foreign relations’ means doing it with anybody who’s not your first cousin. We need someone who’s naturally suspicious.

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III was refused a federal judgeship for being too racist. But Attorney-General, no problem. A living example of America’s tradition of granting second chances.

Trump’s daughter and son-in-law appointed to key positions along with his two elder sons Uday and Qusay. Because the family that rules together, beats mules together. Or something like that.

Andrew Puzder, Secretary of Labor, CEO of a fast food chain that was prosecuted for stealing from their minimum wage employees. Can’t use the phrase "Tough love" without the word "tough." 

Chief aide Steve Bannon may be a white supremacist but at least he knows how to spell the word, "supremacist."

The new HUD Secretary Ben Carson thinks the pyramids were built as grain silos. Who doesn’t?

Rick Perry, up for Secretary of Energy, wanted to eliminate the agency but couldn’t remember its name. His choice reinforces the compassionate nature of the administration by demonstrating they have no problem hiring the handicapped.

And General James Mattis, Secretary of Defense, is nicknamed… Mad Dog. Who’s going to mess with a country whose Minister of War is nicknamed Mad Dog?

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today." Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
2.7.17
SKEWERED AND PLATTERED

Shattered. Splattered. Scattered. Battered. Tattered. Skewered and plattered. Barely mattered. That was the Democrats after November’s election. But surely in the months since, they’d come together to stand aligned in the face of the flaky imperiousness of our so-called President. You’d think. And ripe bananas make a fine masonry grout.  

The Democrats have lost their direction so completely they need a compass to wipe their butts. Incontestably, incontrovertibly and incredibly… useless. We are not speaking of a trifling of uselessness here. "Totally and utterly and unconditionally useless"- barely scratches the surface. The exact extent of the uselessosity exhibited by Democrats right now is breathtaking in its magnitude. Mythic. Destined to be immortalized in song and dance.

During last year’s campaign they skirted the periphery of worthless and ineffectual and futile and just plain lame, but the degree of uselessness they have recently achieved is best measured in AUs, astronomical units. As evidenced by their reaction to Donald J. Trump’s first unstable weeks in office. Or lack of reaction. They make listless look downright rigid. Limp is their rock.

As useless as an ejection seat in a helicopter. Mudflaps on a turtle. Pistol range in a bouncy house. Costume designer on a porn flick. Solar powered night scopes. An ashtray on a Harley. Glass piñatas. Triangular wheels.

Oh sure, they strut and pose and squawk and stamp their little impotent feet but so far have accomplished nothing. Less than nothing. Negative nothing if that’s even a thing. And no, you’re right, it isn’t.

Our new President celebrates Black History Month by comparing himself to MLK. Goes to a National Prayer Breakfast and asks the assembled to pray for Arnold Schwarzenegger’s ratings on the television show he produces. Picks a fight with Australia. Australia for crum’s sakes. Home of the Koala Bear. We’re about to go to war with Koala Bears. Come on, America, that’s not who we are. Tasmanian Devils maybe.

Falling back into their familiar role as punching bag in an abusive relationship, the Democrats’ squeaks of protest can’t be heard over the sound of the body blows being absorbed. Instead of trading punches, the left responds with splenetic poems and pussycat hats. Going to change the world through rhyming couplets and creative crochet.

Nancy Pelosi displays a look of perpetual surprise but can’t bring herself to do anything but wag her finger and shake her head. Bernie Sanders? Zero. Zip. Nada. Nothing. He hasn’t even threatened to give the President a stern look. Okay, a sterner look.

Barack Obama has left the building. No, really. He’s gone fishing. In Chicago or Hawaii or Kenya or somewhere. Hillary Clinton is no help at all, she just keeps laughing. John Lewis and Elizabeth Warren are the only isolated voices in the wilderness, two lonely figures fighting on the balustrade trying to wave away swarms of raptors. Getting the same support from their compatriots as bulls get from squirrels.

Heads need to roll. Hurdles must be leapt, rivers portaged and careers sacrificed. Loins girded. Photos of administration members in flagrant delicto with livestock have got to go viral. It’s time for Democrats to kick off the Birkenstocks and strap on a pair of football cleats. Lose the mandolin music and download some Led Zeppelin. Once more unto the breach, dear friends. Snarling.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today." Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
2.2.17
INVISIBLE PEOPLE

Donald Trump is the political reincarnation of Tina Turner; like her, he doesn’t do anything nice and easy. Also, they’re  both Type A personalities who expend a lot of energy but hardly move at all. And famous for high-maintenance hair.  

Since his January coronation, the New York City real estate developer turned Leader of the Free World has partied like its 1939, issuing polarizing edict after polarizing edict. The surprising thing is Fox News hasn’t started to refer to him as Chancellor Trump. Or Gropenfuhrer. Yet.

Traditionally, a newly elected, first-time president hits the ground running with hand outstretched in a gesture of sociability, solidarity and camaraderie. Not Donny John. He hit the ground whining, with a fistful of disdain for everyone he slapped upside the head: Democrats, Republicans, the media, Iran, Mexico, Great Britain, the media, his own Cabinet appointments, refugees, the media, the NSC, TSA, and National Park Service. And don’t forget the media.

Experts theorized the weight of the White House would settle him down but alas, no such luck. He’s still up till all hours tweeting out a barrage of alternative facts, choosy truths, questionable veracities and marginal actualities that reflect a reality only he can see. As fluid and murky as the Potomac River.

What little presidential honeymoon he enjoyed ended long before the cake was cut. The groom ditched the bride and boogied across the floor alone performing a solo victory dance in front of a mirror. As graceful as an angry anvil.

You could describe his movements since as jerky, spasmodic and frenzied, like when he obsessed over the election being stolen. Ignoring the fact that he won. Even 46’s own staff is having problems negotiating his tricky hairpins turns. Not only does the emperor have no clothes, his skin is really thin and kind of blotchy.

According to the most aerodynamically coiffed president in history, 3 to 5 million undocumented aliens illegally cast ballots for Hillary Clinton causing him to lose the popular vote. It’s the only possible answer. Because how could Donald Trump not be associated with whatever was most popular? It’s unthinkable and unpresidented.

President Trump loves his invisible people. And there’s tons of them. The invisible people who cast fraudulent ballots- totally different than the invisible people who came to Washington to be part of the largest crowd ever to witness an Inauguration but conveniently vanished when aerial photographs were taken. Maybe they’re shy.

And neither of those two groups of invisible people should be confused with the thousands of invisible people who celebrated in New Jersey after the World Trade Center came down. Which only he saw. Maybe it’s a Sixth Sense sort of thing; "I see non-existent people." No wonder Bruce Willis supported him.

During the rest of his first term, we can expect an expansion of Trump’s hallucination theme. Much time will be spent discussing ghosts and leprechauns and sprites and phantoms and pixies and the vast legions of his invisible enemies.

Turns out Donald Trump doesn’t just have a vision for this country, he has an X-ray vision for this country. He’s like Clark Kent only less buff and way blonder. It was bound to happen: America finally has its first super hero President. Erratic-Man.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today." Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
1.24.17
The First 100 Days

As extraordinary as it sounds, Donald J. Trump is now the 45th President of the United States. Which is mind-boggling. Like making John Goodman the cover model for this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Kim Kardashian-appointed chief scientist at the Atomic Energy Lab. Colin Kaepernick in charge of WikiLeaks.

The liberals’ last best hopes were dashed on Inauguration Day when the Mango Mussolini put his hand on the Bible and didn’t burst into flames. The preacher said the rain that started to fall as DJT took the oath was a good omen in the Bible. Yeah, tell that to Noah.

The speech was darker than the Cleveland Browns’ offseason. Kind of a cross between Nixon and Voldermort. "It’s Mourning in America." Trump will be a president for all Americans except the Muslims, Mexicans, losers, whiners, idiots and nasty women, especially the fat disgusting ones.

But now our attention turns not to the real estate developer’s vitriolic tweets but his diabolic feats. What is the agenda of the Tweeter of the Free World? Here’s what might go down over the rest of the first 100 days of the Donald Trump Experience.

January 31. Day 11. Trump trademarks "White House" and banks a royalty every time the press shows or mentions it.
February 12. Day 23. Congress repeals Obama Care and replaces it with Trump Care, which covers nobody but is advertised as "much more incredibly tremendous."
February 21. Day 32. An Executive Order makes it illegal to use the words "climate" and "change" in the same sentence.
March 7. Day 46. The President tweets a major nuclear reduction pact with Russia.
March 8. Day 47. The President tweets a major boost in our nuclear arsenal to intimidate Russia.
March 9. Day 48. The President tweets a major merger with Russia. The two countries will now be known as the USSSR East & West.
March 12. Day 51. The White House™ press is moved to the basement of a bar in Bethesda, Maryland.
March 18. Day 57. Eric and Donald Jr. are apprehended shooting pandas at the National Zoo with RPGs. 
March 24. Day 63. California Governor Jerry Brown authorizes barricades at all state entrances and begins to charge a $15 cover and a two-drink minimum to enter "Golden Land." 
March 29. Day 68. After Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Sonia Sotomayor are arrested, Trump fills 3 vacancies and the Supreme Court rules abortions illegal and determines voting to be restricted to white male landowners.
April 1. Day 71. The President authorizes a nuclear strike against Ottawa but Secretary of Defense Mad Dog Mattis pulls the plug after figuring out it’s an April Fool’s joke.
April 3. Day 73. President Trump tries to throw out the first ball at a windy Washington Senators season home opener but the ball and his hand get stuck in his hair due to an excess of product.
April 26. Day 96. The Pharmaceutical Industry reports record first quarter profits.
April 29. Day 99. Trump holds a contest among his Cabinet members to see who can sell the most Subway sandwiches in three hours on the National Mall.
April 30. Day 100. Trump tweets that he is bored and wants to quit. The nation is stunned.
May 1. Day 1. Mike Pence succeeds Donald Trump as the 46th President of the United States.
The nation recoils.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today." Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
1.18.17
2017 Resolutions

All right everybody; time to slap on a happy face and start thinking positively about the upcoming twelve months. And none of that, "You want positive? Okay. I’m positive this year is going to suck big beige banana slugs from Mars," stuff, because that, my friends, is stinking thinking.

Usually when a year goes down as gaggingly awful as 2016, folks frantically try throwing a monkey wrench into their continuum, vowing to make audacious behavioral alterations in an attempt to change the status quo. These adjustments often go awry and end up belonging to the "cut off your nose to spite your face" variety. Also known as the Voldermort Maneuver.

Another problem is most resolutions are as unique as a white sweat sock in a junior-high, boys locker room. Always the same old, same old; lose weight, learn a language, eat healthy, work out, not live under totalitarian regimes, construct a scale model of Trump Tower by bending paperclips. But what about other folks? Let’s waste some valuable time worrying about the important resolutions they probably haven’t made but definitely need to consider.

2017 RESOLUTIONS PEOPLE SHOULD BE MAKING.

• Ivanka Trump pledges to find a foundation color for her father that reads less summer squash and more tequila sunrise.
• Colin Kaepernick vows to kneel for the National Anthem, stand until his Forty Niner offensive line deteriorates, run, then kneel again before kissing the ground.
• Chris Christie promises to perfect his lean and hungry look.
• Rick Perry plans to study up on the Cabinet department he is about to head and is determined to remember its name.
• Mike Pence will insure his people employ the latest strobe technology at press conferences to give the appearance of movement.
• The 115th Congress resolves to supersede the successes of the 114th Congress’ by accomplishing less than nothing.
• The TSA finally solves the most dangerous of all security problems by banning passengers.
• To allay conspiratorial fears, Vladimir Putin will drink a glass of water whenever Donald J. Trump speaks.
• Paul Ryan vows to delineate conditions for a plan to replace Obama Care. The major condition is the buildup of frozen water in and around Hell.
• Donald J. Trump is determined to make increasingly outrageous wacky zany statements until Saturday Night Live finally recruits him as a cast member.
• PBS pledges not to do anything to tick off the new Congress and gradually morphs into the 24 hour Thomas the Tank Engine Network.
• Kellyanne Conway vows to purchase Botox by the gallon jug to insure she betrays no actual emotion except her default mask of smug self-righteousness.
• Anthony Weiner promises to purchase a one-way ticket on the Clue Train to an unknown destination and then stay there.
• Hillary Clinton vows that no matter what happens she will never utter the words "I told you so."
• Bill Clinton, not so much.
• Angela Merkel will take acting lessons to learn how to keep from snickering when discussing international relations with an orange clown.
• Reince Priebus pledges to outline the administration’s plan to fix the Social Security problem once and for all. Unfortunately, it involves raising the retirement age to 90.
• Mad Dog Mattis vows to open his Congressional confirmation hearing with "Who wants a piece of me?

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today." Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
1.9.17
Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish

It is our fervent hope here at Durstco that all you loyal readers join us in welcoming the elixir of opportunity that is 2017 and pray that it goes down smoother than that most recently departed year whose name has been wiped from our memory banks. Might have had something to do with a one, a zero, a two and a six. Not necessarily in that order.

"The Year That Shall Not Be Named" sucked like an industrial strength vacuum cleaner designed to inhale rocks the size of Saskatchewan. Leaving a stench in its wake like a twelve-month moored garbage scow with none of the attendant charm. It was a Mt. St. Helens, Jamestown Flood, Titanic, Hindenburg, Mrs. O’Leary’s cow kind of a year.

On a major league suckage scale of one to ten, the previous annum would rate at about four thousand nine hundred and thirty seven. It was to suck like sewage is to stink. The suckiest of the sucky. Suckalicious. Suckatosic. Suck-O-Rama. With a sucktosity able to strip the chrome off the back bumper of a 57 Thunderbird.

Maybe it was that extra leap day that tipped the balance from the merely sucktastic to the sucklandish. Turning ordinary ugly into grievously heinous. But those 366 days of death and destruction and disaster and desolation and disease and despair and diabolical and discombobulation was only tempered by the fact that we survived. Barely, and not all of us. But then, the most fiendish always leave a few alive to tell the tale.

Or could Star Trek’s James T. Kirk have gone back in time thoroughly messing things up again, causing a rift in the space-time continuum? That would certainly explain the Cubs winning the World Series, an orange clown becoming President, a third Kung Fu Panda film and Spam musubi on cauliflower rice.

The year that bridged 2015 and 2017 was to happy times what banana daiquiris are to reinforced concrete support beams. What barbed-wire wrapped bats are to panty hose. Inspector Clouseau and calm analytical judgment. Marbles and scissors.

Queen Elizabeth once referred to a particularly bad year, as an "annus horriblis" and the 31,622,400 seconds we recently escaped was exponentially that, with one of the "N’s" removed. The threat of another 52 weeks like the one we just endured makes you want to build a bunker in the back yard and fill it to the brim with Little Debbie Snack Cakes and bourbon. Not necessarily in that order.

Or perhaps the calendar most recently ripped off the wall was a plot by the Pharmaceutical Industry to sell more anti-depressants. Anyhow, whatever you want to call what recently sunk into blessed oblivion, almanac-wise, good riddance to bad rubbish. Don’t let the doorknob hit you in the butt on the way out. Get while the getting’s good. Even though it’s way too late.

And a big fat wet sloppy kiss on both cheeks to 2017. Come on in, take off your coat. Sit down a spell. Put your feet up. We’re counting on you to take the chill off the air. No pressure. You have some awfully tiny shoes to fill. But hey, Star Wars 8 come this December already puts you halfway to the good.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today." Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
 


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