Date: Tue, 23 Dec 1997 03:41:35 -0500
a week's worth with tinsel on it
CLEVELAND, OHIO, WHERE SANTA, IN A RED PICK-UP, LED POLICE
ON A HIGH SPEED CHASE, HITTING SPEEDS UP TO 100 MPH. HE WAS FINALLY
STOPPED BY TIRE PUNCTURING SPIKES. WHICH HAS GOT TO WORRY A FEW
Dear Bill and Hillary:
First off, I want to thank both of you for the truly wonderful
time I've had here. 1600 Pennsylvania was a squeeze toy come true
for a young naive Arkansas kitten such as I. You might say it
has been purr-fect. But, sadly, now I think its time to move on
to a new box. You know, I never blamed you for turning down all
those offers I received from various agents who keep telling me
I could have been the feline Michael Jordan. You were just trying
to look out for me the way you did with Roger and Tony, right?
Besides, I never developed a decent jump shot. Ha ha ha. And this
has nothing to do with the recent acquisition of Buddy. Sure,
he's frisky, but weren't we all at that age, eh Bill? I just hope
he learns how to shut up. You got to admit, I kept my whiskers
still for five long years and I'm sure you and Al would prefer
it remain that way for the next three. I just pray I'm financially
stable enough not to stoop to one of those tacky kiss and tell
memoirs, which wouldn't reflect well on any of us, if you get
my drift. I really don't look forward to pawing through those
voluminous journals securely stashed in my lawyer's safety deposit
litter box. Anyhow, I hope all is well with you all, and have
yourself a merry little christmas. Sorry about those ornaments.
PS. Say hello to whats her name, you know, the girl.
GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN, WHERE THE WORLD CENTERS AROUND THE PACKERS
AND THEIR EXPLOITS ON THE FIELD. WHICH HAVE BEEN FAIRLY GOOD RECENTLY.
GOING FOR 30 IN A ROW AT HOME THIS WEEK. SOMEDAY, THEY'RE GOING
TO GET THEMSELVES A K-MART.
I come from this state. Well yes, of course, I speak of confusion,
but more specifically, Wisconsin. The heart of the Midwest. Although
technically, its in the Mideast, but that name was already taken,
and I'm guessing we weren't willing to fight for it. The overriding
philosophy of the Midwest is "don't rock the boat".
What they neglect to tell you is there's no damn water in the
pond. You can get out and walk to shore if you wish. People here
admire stability. The nickname "Rockhead" is a compliment
here. Erosion, a tool to be used only as a last resort. Progress
is just another means of using modern technology to achieve the
status quo. Even the time zone couldn't be more middle of the
road. Central. And it's no co-incidence that television starts
and ends an hour earlier than the rest of the country. 8PM/ 7
Central. This is where those new fangled old fashioned diners
are original structures. Living in a hard land, they work hard,
and play hard and take solace in simple pleasures. Eating and
drinking. Sausage, cheese and beer. This is the home of beer sausage,
cheese sausage, beer cheese, sausage cheese and cheese beer. We
don't have sausage beer yet, but we're working on it.
Will Durst is both thirsty and hungry.
GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN, WHERE THE BAY IS ACTUALLY GREEN. AND
NOW WITH THE PACKERS DOING SO WELL, THEY'RE THINKING OF ADDING
A LITTLE GOLD STREAK TO THE BANKS.
Ah, Christmas. That time of year when we are susceptible to
the rare disease called mall rage. Where waiting for the cashier
is reminiscent of Russian bread lines, and the toy stores are
full of fifty year old men furiously trying to buy more than their
fair share of Beanie Babies. And of course, there's the getting
in and out, which is about as pleasant as gargling barbed wire.
Here's my favorite thing to do: leave the mall and go to the first
car you see jangling your keys setting off a fifteen car pileup
of people jockeying for that parking spot. Then you just laugh
and tell them you were only spoofing. You will see the instant
evaporation of Christmas spirit that would make Scrooge look like
Pollyanna on a Pez high. Mormons will flip you off. Of course
they do it wrong. When my lovely wife Debi Ann and I paddle off
to a Christmas tree farm in Half Moon Bay and kill ourselves a
tree for Christ. Yeah, we stalk the sucker. Take him home while
his sap is still wet, stick him in water, and string electric
lights and shredded aluminum foil around him. Tree torture. Hey,
it's the way He would have had it.
Will Durst can't get his mother another Salad Shooter if he
wants to live.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS
ARE A LITTLE DIFFERENT THAN THE ONES YOU'D SEE IN DOWNTOWN MASON
CITY, ILLINOIS. WHITE FUR TOPPED RED GARTERS FOR SANTA TO BEGIN
The Philippines largest opposition party nominated Joseph Estrada,
a former movie star, as their Presidential candidate in next year's
elections. The party, known as the Struggle of the Nationalist
Filipino Masses obviously needs a jump start, as their name is
one of those that fall trippingly off the tongue like a genetic
compound's enzymatic base. It also may go a long way in explaining
why Philippines is spelled with two p's and Filipino is only spelled
with one. Nominating an actor to be President. Imagine that! I
know that Czechoslovakia elected Vaclav Havel, a playwright as
their head dude, but what kind of crazy flipped out populace would
actually sink to considering an actor to be President? Oh. Yeah,
but Ronald Reagan was different. Right. He wasn't even a halfway
decent actor. Kind of like saying President Rory Calhoun. I don't
know if anyone is aware of this, but Reagan turned down Bogart's
part in Casablanca. Imagine how history would have changed if
he had taken the part. Bogart might have been President. Of course
Casablanca would be a crummy movie. Hey you have to have prioritites.
Personally, I'm looking forward to Senator Jim Varney or Vice
President Crispin Glover. Of course I'm a comedian.
Will Durst's priorities are beer, cheeseburgers and old Bob Hope movies.
Not necessarily in that order.
Date: Tue, 16 Dec 1997 03:16:45 -0500
a flocked week's worth
TAMPA, FLORIDA, WHERE IN THE PAST 8 YEARS, THE LOCAL COPS HAVE
LOST 20 WEAPONS INCLUDING 14 GLOCK 9MM SEMIAUTOMATIC PISTOLS.
SUGGESTING THAT IN THE FIGHT AGAINST CRIME, WE MIGHT BE FUNDING
THE WRONG SIDE.
Hey guys. Here we are again at that time of the year when visions
of sugar plums dance in our head. Although the memory of exactly
what we poured on the boss at the company Christmas party still
seems to elude us. Along with the origin of those weird welts
on the insides of our thighs. Yes, I'm speaking of that most glorious
time of the year when singing chipmunks and cats fill the airwaves
with their joyous yet oddly disturbing holiday sounds. This is
also that time when noted sourpusses get their rocks off by falling
back on the lame concept of offering up their own perverted wishes
for twisting the spirit of the midwinter celebration thanking
the dragon for not eating the sun which somehow came to mutate
into a fat guy in a red suit encouraging people to go into debt
buying things that aren't needed for people they don't like with
money they don't have. Which means me. Yeah, I know this bit is
older than the premise of a WB sitcom pilot, but what else are
you doing with the next three minutes of your life? So let me
now offer up to the most deserving of us; Will Durst's 1997 Christmas
Gift Wish List.
For Latrell Sprewell: A two week seminar at the Albert Belle
Anger Counseling Clinic.
For William Weld: A t-shirt with "Payback Is A Bitch"
printed on the front.
For Al Gore: An endorsement deal with MCI.
For Bill Clinton: The first installation of his Presidential
library: a stone wall.
For New Gingrich: A clue.
Will Durst has just started me buckoes.
See him along with Deb and Mike starting tonight at the Reno Hilton
through Sunday the 14th.
RENO, NEVADA, WHERE THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS ON THE SLOT MACHINES
TEND TO DISTRACT THE REAL GAMBLER FROM THE IMPORTANT BUSINESS
OF LOSING THE KIDS' TOY MONEY.
Merry Christmas everybody! It's that time of year when you
have to make those hard decisions like whether you can rewrap
Aunt Hoogolah's fruit cake from last year to give as an anonymous
gift at the company Christmas party. Then you remember the fruit
cake is two years old and it doesn't even affect your crisis.
So let's move on with part two of Will Durst's patented 1997 Christmas
Gift Wish List.
For Eddie DeBartolo: The address and phone number of just one
of the Grand Jurors.
For Dick Gephardt: Eyebrows. A couple of pieces of stray yarn,
a no. 4 pencil, something!
For Benjamin Netanyahu: A couple of acres of land anywhere
to exchange for peace.
For Robert Downey Jr: Six months worth of ugly pills.
For All Airline Passengers In The Wake Of The National Transportation
Safety Board's Report That The TWA 800 Crash Was The Result Of
"Something Unknown Happening": Rosary beads.
For Representative Dan Burton: His very own Janet Reno Swimsuit
For Attorney General Janet Reno: Her very own Louis Freeh Swimsuit
For Alan Greenspan: A vow of silence.
For Bill Gates: One of those vacuum cleaner hair cutting attachments
they sell on cable.
For World.com CEO Bernie Ebbers who bought MCI: Custom fitted
Will Durst wants a nice vest with four outside and one inside
RENO, NEVADA, WHERE YOU CAN'T HAVE TOO MUCH BLUE EYE SHADOW,
OR TOO MUCH BEER GUT STICKING OUT OVER YOUR GENUINE CHEVY IMPALA
HUB CAP BELT BUCKLE.
So we started giving thanks that consumers are out there doing
their patriotic duty of sinking heavily into debt to honor the
birth of our Lord by offering up to the most deserving of us,
Will Durst's 1997 Xma$ Gift Wi$h Li$t. Let's get on with it, shall
For Boris Yeltsin: Some black market connections for antibiotics
so he doesn't have to depend on the Russian medical system.
For Apple Computer: A federally sanctioned year long Microsoft
For Hillary Clinton: A weekend in the White House hot tub with
Antonio Banderas, and a t-shirt with "Payback is a Bitch"
on the front.
For Astronauts headed for the Mir Space Station: Copies of
"Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Repair".
For the new owners of Hudson Beef Patties: The contract to
provide the NHL with commemorative pucks.
For Larry King: A permanent bridal suite at the Las Vegas Mirage
For The Parents Of The Iowa Septuplets: A lifetime supply of
Extra Strength Valium.
For Saddam Hussein: A human shield made up of various son-in-laws.
For Mike Tyson: A fight with George Foreman that can be billed,
"The Beast and The Buffet".
For Socks the Cat: A transfer to Stanford where he can hook
up with his real and true friend.
Will Durst wants to go to Stanford too.
RENO, NEVADA, WHERE YOUR ORDINARY AVERAGE CASINO WORKER HAS
TO DEAL WITH ANGER, CONFUSION, GREED, SUBSTANCE ABUSE, AND IRRATIONAL
GRIEF. AND THAT'S JUST FROM THEIR BOSSES.
Bah humbug everybody. And in the spirit of those of us familiar
with the soft dark underbelly of the happiest time of the year,
how bout we open that spigot of red and green bile once more,
and let the true meaning of the solstice holiday drip down into
the sink of our lowered expectations and moisten the clumps of
rotting mistletoe we have so laboriously collected from various
Departments of Motor Vehicles with our patented Will Durst 1997
Xma$ Gift Wi$h Li$t.
For Barry Switzer: A new coaching position where he can better
work his "run and shoot" offense.
For Dan Quayle: A spell check.
For Chelsea Clinton: An entire contingent of Secret Service
agents who do not speak English and have problems staying awake
For Michael Jackson: An invitation by an eccentric millionaire
to spend a weekend in a mansion haunted by Elvis' Ghost.
For Hillary Clinton: A new bestseller with the title of "It
Takes A Subpoena."
For Tiger Woods: 3 days of peace and quiet.
For Rush Limbaugh: A new publicity push started by a "Where
Is He Now?" article.
For Fox Television: If they lose football, a replacement series
called: "While Enraged Animals Attack The World's Scariest
Police Chases, Deadly Swarms Demolish America's Most Wanted Cops."
Will Durst is a deadly swarm. Or is it deadly smarm?
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE EDDIE DEBARTOLO CALLED JOE
MONTANA "LANCELOT RETURNING TO CAMELOT". WHICH WOULD
MAKE HIM ARTHUR, CARMEN POLICY... MERLIN, AND EDDIE EDWARDS, MORDRED?
Somebody call the Holiday Police. I have a severe case of tinsel
poisoning. And I'm coming down with a bad Bing Crosby rash. We
won't even talk about Aunt Hoogolah's fruitcake. And you got to
stop with the egg nog, already. Please! I'm done gagging on a
rich blend of dairy products, mucous and brandy. Waste of perfectly
good brandy if you ask me. Okay, let's nail this puppy to the
headboard, and finish off the Will Dur$t Xma$ Gift Wi$h Li$t.
For Paula Jones: Exclusive worldwide rights to all photographs
exhibited during her upcoming trial.
For Steve Forbes: A Mary Kay Makeover.
For Dennis Rodman: An endorsement deal with Victoria's Secret
for when he loses his shoe contract.
For Madeline Albright: An extra large cup so she can gain a
little respect from the big boys
For Mike Ovitz: A mattress so the poor boy can have something
to fall back on.
For Mayor of Oakland Mayor wannabe Jerry Brown: A 55 gallon
drum of that medicine they give to Attention Deficit Disorder
For Willie Brown: One of those really really expensive and
totally useless whatchamacallits.
For Iranian President Mohammad Khatami: A brand new Shiite
Moderate kit, which consists of a gun which ran out of bullets.
For Ted Turner: His own personalized Blue UN helmet, and a
Good Will tour for the Atlanta Braves of Bosnia.
Will Durst has a bluish motorcycle helmet, but it's a little
Date: Tue, 9 Dec 1997 01:58:00 -0500
your own personally designed week's worth
OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA, WHERE GOLDEN STATE WARRIOR ALL STAR GUARD,
LATRELL SPREWELL, BELTED HIS COACH, PJ CARLESIMO AND WAS SUSPENDED
FOR TEN GAMES. WOULD HAVE BEEN LONGER IF IT WEREN'T FOR HIS TRADE
Okay, here's the deal. They got this humongous environmental
conference going on in Kyoto, Japan this week, which is a lot
like selling anti fur bumper stickers at a vegetarian get-together
in the blood gutters of a slaughterhouse, but that don't make
no never mind. The problem here is, good ol' Al Gore is caught
between a red adobe brick and a slab of freshly poured cement.
See, Mr. "Earth In The Balance" made his reputation
as Super Environmentalist, but now he's running for President
and he needs business and labor which look upon International
environmental treaties the same way freshly shucked oysters look
forward to cocktail sauce. But for Gore to ignore the confab would
be more suspicious than Congress tabling a motion on campaign
It would be real similar to: (do you sense a bit here?)
* The Spice Girls avoiding a New Music Express Bimbo Caucus.
* Bill Gates selling something.
* A Janet Reno Press Conference in which she announces she
is actually calling for a special prosecutor to look into suspicious
Clinton Administration dealings.
* Dennis Rodman in something off the rack.
* Melrose Place with a character that is neither horny nor
* South Carolina with a senior Senator that is neither horny
Will Durst is both horny and bitter.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE EDDIE DEBARTOLO, THE OWNER
OF THE FORTY NINERS IS ACCUSED OF HAVING PAID A $400,000 BRIBE
TO FORMER LOUISIANA GOVERNOR, EDDIE EDWARDS. WHO PAYS A BRIBE
TO A FORMER GOVERNOR? THAT'S LIKE TIPPING SOMEONE ELSE'S WAITER.
Sorry I didn't show up for the last couple of days. I got this
lung mung that's going around, so instead of going on vacation
like we were supposed to, my wife and I are hanging around the
house hocking up loogies the size of footstools. A lot of the
activities are similar to vacation experiences, except, now, the
arms akimbo out of control sliding is done on a thin layer of
used kleenexes rather than snow. I assume I'm getting better,
since the nose flotsam is no longer the color of pale grass, but
more of a mother of pearl translucent sort of deal. Called my
doctor to find out how to get rid of this crap, and he said not
only didn't he know, but if I should figure it out, to call him
since he's had it for a month and can't shake it. Great news,
especially right after reading "The Hot Zone". I'm relieved
it's been 48 hours and neither of us have crashed and bled out
yet. I hate being sick. I'd rather be stuck on the side of the
road with a flat in Idaho than be sick. Food doesn't taste good,
cigarettes are a death defying act, and even coffee seems horribly
horribly wrong. Everything that validates being an adult is suddenly
worthless. If you want to get well, you have a bedtime. And your
allowance is used up on coughdrops. Not even those good cherry
flavored candy ones, but the healthy eucalyptus kind. Sick sucks.
WASHINGTON, D.C., WHERE JANET RENO HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF IGNORING
HER DUTY BY NOT CALLING FOR A SPECIAL PROSECUTOR AGAIN. THIS WOMAN
IS OBVIOUSLY GUILTY.OF SOMETHING. WE'LL GET BACK TO YOU ON WHAT.
This Latrell Sprewell thing is getting all out of hand. Now
it's a race thing. Which is similar to calling the Jesse Helms/
William Weld deal, an accent thing. No. The relationship between
him and PJ Carlesimo was more complicated than that. Like San
Francisco Mayor Willie Brown so impolitically said; "Maybe
the coach deserved to be choked." And everybody flipped out.
You can only yell at a person for so long before lack of respect
becomes the issue. It is universally agreed that Carlesimo is
the Pol Pot of basketball coaches. A man with a shorter fuse than
a biker eating quiche at a ballet recital being pummeled with
martini olive pimentos. Hey, I don't know if anybody remembers,
but it took Ohio State like three weeks to fire Woody Hayes when
he slugged an opposing player. Dennis Rodman kicked an innocent
bystander in the groin, and all he got was a three day pass to
Las Vegas. The hyena press jumped all over the wounded gazelle
Latrell because he had the temerity to adopt a policy of not talking
to them this year. And the NBA didn't like his haircut. Payback
is a bitch. A lot of us f h irrational authority might have dreamed
of responding in the same manner. Then Converse canceled its shoe
contract. Of course Latrell might rebound with a Nike deal aimed
at line workers. "Just Do It!" Perfect fit.
Will Durst needs a pair of $150 shoes.
WASHINGTON, D.C., WHERE MAYOR MARIAN BARRY ACTUALLY SAID, "IF
YOU TAKE AWAY THE MURDERS, OUR CRIME RATE ISN'T THAT BAD".
OBVIOUSLY, A MAN WITH THIS KIND OF SEMANTIC CONTROL DESERVES TO
BE A CAREER POLITICIAN.
I drink beer. Being from Milwaukee. That's what we do. I don't
just mean, beer is consumed. That's like saying; sand is available
in the Mojave. That Bill Gates might not be turning grey over
his worry about social security coverage. That dogs have a tendency
to get distracted playing chess. We're born professional beer
drinkers. It's a way of life. Beer is our tradition, our heritage,
our trusted marriage counselor. A beer gut equals a symbol of
prestige. Liver spots mark a life well lived. Cirrhosis is written
off as the result of a weak system. Faulty filters. "Didn't
drink enough BEER!" Import. Home brew. Domestic. Microbrewery.
Doesn't matter. The beer flavored water known as Light. We drink
it. It's always been an embarrassment that the adult amber beverage
named after this fair city "Old Milwaukee" made Coors
taste like a stout. But whether it was Pilsner Urquell or Old
Peculiar or Mickey's Big Mouth Dry Ice Wet Light Double Bock:
even the worst beer I ever had was still pretty good. Mind you,
this love poem pointedly disincludes Zima, a so called "malt
beverage" with the aromatics of sun dried cat pee, and the
aftertaste of scorched metal. Of course, if no beer is available...
Will Durst is just waxing poetic because Anchor's Christmas
Ale has just been released. Light, cinamonny, and wonderful.
Date: Tue, 25 Nov 1997 02:10:20 -0500
a turkey till you trot week's worth
WEST PALM BEACH, FLORIDA, WHERE BOARD MEMBERS OF THE BURT REYNOLDS
INSTITUTE FOR THEATRICAL TRAINING HAVE RELUCTANTLY AGREED TO THE
ACTOR'S REQUEST TO REMOVE HIS NAME FROM THE TROUBLED THEATER.
NOW IF ONLY HE CAN DO THE SAME WITH "SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT
The House introduced 3036 bills in the session just ended,
and 59 have become law. That's a batting average of .011, definitely
below the Mendoza Line. The Senate did worse, 19 for 1568. Hell,
even Michael Jordan hit better than that in AA. 35 bills sit on
the President's desk waiting for his signature, while more than
30 are just waiting to be delivered. Guess they don't trust the
US Mail. 94 proposed amendments to the Constitution ended up deader
than a Wyoming haddock failing to garner the necessary two thirds
majority in both chambers. Procrastination seems to be our Representatives
major talent. Here's just a sample of what looms over us like
a flock of nuclear mutated flesh eating vultures.
* Abortion: Will attempt to override Clinton's veto and pass
the"partial birth" abortion ban. Might get more support
if they write in clause allowing special case retroactivity for
House Majority Leaders.
* IRS overhaul: Senate Finance Chairman William Roth, R-Del.,
is rumored to have delayed implementation to use as an election
theme in 98. And there is also talk that fire is hot.
* Tobacco Settlement: $368 billion national tobacco settlement
has yet to be passed. Suspicion on its merits erupted when the
day after it was announced, tobacco stocks went up.
* Fast-Track: Clinton will tinker with bill making it more
favorable to labor in hopes of pushing it through in 98. Proponents
will claim its passage will insure jobs, but will remain strangely
silent on the question of just which country those jobs will be
Will Durst needs a job.
WEST PALM BEACH, FLORIDA, WHERE LOCAL BILLIONAIRE, LOWELL "BUD"
PAXON WANTS TO START UP THE NATION'S SEVENTH TELEVISION BROADCAST
NETWORK. THAT'S GIVING UPN AND WB A MITE MORE CREDIBILITY THAN
So the deal is, Congress has a full plate coming up next year,
and here's some of the tasty morsels they're going to wipe off
the sides of their mouths with napkins woven from taxpayers dollars.
* Campaign Finance: Republican leaders in both House and Senate
promise debate and votes in spring. Sure, sure, and the moon's
going to fall out of the sky, and we'll all grow wings and fly
to Venus. Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
* Public Housing: Will try to work out differences in bill
allowing greater numbers of working poor to live in public housing
and change how rents are calculated. And if that doesn't work,
does the term Soylent Green ring any bells?
* Flag: Will propose amendment to make desecration of flag
illegal. And will do it again. And again. Until every member has
a clip of their support suitable for a campaign ad.
* Cruise Ships: Legislation authored by Sen. Strom Thurmon
R SC, would overturn 1886 law preventing foreign cruise ships
from ferrying passengers between US ports. Easy for him, since
he probably proposed the initial bill.
* Affirmative Action: Wants to eliminate race and gender as
factors in federal decision making, while their expected stand
on Gay Rights will make it illegal to discriminate based on sexual
orientation. Usually contradictions like this would humble groups
of people. This however, is the US Congress.
* HMO Reform: Opponents, surprisingly including the HMO industry,
warn reform will mean higher costs and overcrowding. Apparently
better care leading to fewer deaths has no effect on the bottom
Will Durst is the bottom line.
WASHINGTON, D.C., WHERE IT'S ALL PRETTY QUIET SINCE THE MEMBERS
OF THE US CONGRESS HAVE GONE HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS. SO MAKE SURE
YOU LOCK UP REAL TIGHT WHEN YOU'RE EATING YOUR TURKEY. YOU CAN'T
MAKE STUFF UP LIKE THIS
* In Japan, Sumo Wrestlers have been ordered to lose weight
to protect the integrity of the sport. Yeah, you know, once a
guy gets over 700 pounds, it's hard to think of him an athlete.
* Had an awkward moment at the first Bulls Knicks game. It
seems Dennis Rodman and Marv Albert showed up in the same dress.
* The IRS overhaul reportedly will get rid of the marriage
penalty, something the President has been working on for years.
* Gennifer Flowers is going to testify at the Paula Jones trial,
and you know Clinton can be thinking of only one thing: threesome.
* Poor Saddam. Just doesn't get the credit he deserves. The
guy's an expert at reducing arms. And legs, and other limbs as
* OJ's house in Brentwood is up for sale, and you know the
real estate agents are primed. "Oh yes, it's very soundproof.
From the bedroom, you can't even hear a limo honking in your driveway."
* The Park Service spent $333 million on a restroom in the
Delaware Water Gap. You know for $333 million, it better zip me
* I think the Republicans are getting a little picky with Clinton
and his videos. Now they're complaining he didn't rewind.
Will Durst never unwinds.
WASHINGTON, D.C., WHERE THE BIGGEST DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE
LOBBYISTS AND THE POLITICIANS IS THE LOBBYISTS ARE ACCOUNTABLE
TO THE PEOPLE WHO PUT THEM HERE.
* The people under the most stress over this Iraq thing have
to be CNN. In the event of war, they'll have less than an hour
to compose a theme song.
* Now that Bill Clinton has his line item veto, we are witnessing
the unheard of spectacle of a Democrat cutting the budget and
Republicans complaining about it.
* I love the sight of a two ton bag of hot air floating down
* It either means Thanksgiving or Rush Limbaugh is taking a
* Al Gore hired himself some defense attorneys, which means
he's trying to look as Presidential as possible.
* Michael Jordan is from Mars. Dennis Rodman is from Venus.
* I expect the next crisis on Mir will be an announcement the
* If they ever build a Jesse Helms monument they should put
it right in the middle of the Capitol Rotunda so it blocks everybody.
* Bill Clinton is most worried about the bizarre pattern of
storm and high pressure known as the El Reno Effect.
* Ken Burns' new PBS miniseries focused on "Lewis and
Clark", but what he didn't tell you was Lewis was the guy
who coined the expression, "are we there yet?" Or was
* I understand Pete Wilson's next pseudo populist push will
be to free us from the worldwide papist plot?
Will Durst is nine letters.
Sad to say, but the durstmeister is going on vacation to OD
on triptophame but despair not, he will return December third.
Date: Tue, 18 Nov 1997 01:14:57 -0500
an excedrin week's worth
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE WE ROASTED THE MAYOR WILLIE
BROWN. HE WAS.THE PERFECT GENTLEMAN, ACCEPTING BARBS FROM FOUR
COMEDIANS WHO HE.CHARACTERIZED AS HIS "LESSORS".
If not for Willie Brown, San Francisco would be known as North
If not for Willie Brown, Wilkes Bashford would be selling t-shirts
off of a.fold up card table at Fisherman's Wharf.
If not for Willie Brown, Bernie Ward would be spending three
hours a day on.KGO railing against Eli Whitney and his evil spawn:
the Cotton Gin.
If not for Willie Brown, we wouldn't even know helicopters
had heat seeking.infrared cameras.
If not for Willie Brown, Rob Morse would be the Midnight Cabbie.
If not for Willie Brown, Phil Matier would be Cynthia Robbins'
personal.assistant, not a muck raker who specializes in raking
muck where no muck.exists.
If not for Willie Brown, Sacramento would be a town that people
in Modesto.could make fun of. The man spent 31 years there: talk
If not for Willie Brown, we wouldn't have firsthand evidence
that a guy.could follow you into a revolving door and come out
If not for Willie Brown, other politicians would lack a role
model to learn.how to talk so passionately, so eloquently that
even reporters forget what.the question was.
If not for Willie Brown, instead of a mayor who wore a hat,
we'd have a.mayor who talked through his hat.
If not for Willie Brown, the United States wouldn't have single
mayor who.was circumsized with power tools.
If not for Willie Brown, the sourdough would be less sour,
the fog a bit.thinner and the cable car bells as tinny as a Pete
Wilson defense of.Proposition 209.
Will Durst thinks Willie Brown is a man who understands the
best position.to take is to the left of the conservatives, to
the right of the liberals.and squarely in front of the cameras.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE FEDERAL TRANSPORTATION OFFICIALS
BLASTED.OUR MUNICIPAL RAILWAY SYSTEM AS A "CATASTROPHE WAITING
TO HAPPEN". I CAN.ONLY MAGINE WHAT THEY WOULD HAVE SAID IF
THEY HAD RIDDEN IT.
The Senate Judiciary Committee failed to approve the nomination
of Bill.Lann Lee to be assistant attorney in charge of civil rights,
on the basis,.according to Sen. Charles Grassley, R-Iowa, his
views are "too far out of.the mainstream". You know,
I keep hearing about this famous mainstream, but.can't seem to
find it on any of the maps. Rand McNally's never heard of it..I
think Mr. Grassley would be doing the whole country a favor by
sharing.with us the exact location of his favorite fishing creek
and maybe we can.take Mr. Lee there to find out how far from the
middle of it he really is..Of course if the nominee has any friends
in the military he might want to.contact them right about now,
since being parachuted in by a team of Navy.Seals might be the
best way for him to assure dead center which is.obviously what
the honorable Hawkeye Senator would prefer. Maybe it's a.midwestern
thing. Out here in California, our mainstream is full of.different
languages and colors and probably polluted as heck, but not by.the
narrow views of the Senate Judiciary Committee.
Will Durst can't
understand why these wouldn't confirm the only guy I ever.heard
of who has double letters in all three of his names.
NEW YORK, NEW YORK, WHERE THE IMMINENT WAR WITH IRAQ SEEMS
TO HAVE ESCAPED.PUBLIC NOTICE. BUT IF IT THREATENS TO AFFECT THE
SUPPLY OF CAB DRIVERS IN.TOWN, EXPECT ALL HELL TO BREAK LOOSE.
Congress has gone underground for the winter like 535 individual
bears in.search of extremely safe caves lain with piles of soft
money. But don't get.too elated, they'll be back. There is much
to do. Plenty of stuff still.works.
Here are the high points, if you have the nerve to call them
that, of the.first half of the 105th Congress' mucking up.
· The Balanced Budget: Got it! Finally! Maybe! Mainly
because the.economy is kicking serious butt, so watch both parties
climb over each.other with turf cleats to take credit..
· "Taxpayer Relief Act": Lowering capital
gains taxes in order to.stimulate the rich. Thought to be less
effective than a remote controlled.cattle prod suppository, but
not as messy. .
· Defense: $268.2 billion. $2.6 billion more than requested.
Nice..Kinda like getting too much change back at the 7-11. Way
too much change..Guess that big Peace Dividend... expired. .
· Immigration: Relaxed portions of 1996 immigration
law which allowed.immigrants to be corralled onto meat farms p
ground up and served as lumpia.filling..
· Congressional Pay: Received a $3,072 raise by not
voting on it..Things aren't bad enough, now we have to worry about
these cheese weenies.when they're not doing anything. .
· Foreign Aid: Floated some spare change, $12.8 billion,
to countries.smart enough to vote our way in the UN. .To be continued.
Will Durst would vote pro US if he were a UN member.
NEW YORK, NEW YORK, WHERE WHEN ASKED, THE TIME OF DAY WILL
BE GIVEN THROUGH A MUMBLED CURSE, A FROZEN GLARE OR AN EMPHATIC
GESTURE. OCCASIONAL SPIT INCLUDED.
Before we were so rudely interrupted, I think we were speaking
of the 105th Congress finishing up their first half exhibiting
the grace of an elephant on an escalator. Let's continue shall
· Chemical Weapons: Ratified treaty five days before
pact took effect. Simply because it was right thing to do. Just
had to make sure a ban on land mines wasn't part of it.
· Education: Denied administration money to develop
reading and math tests. Message here being; an educated electorate
tends not to favor incumbents.
· Transportation: In order to make Amtrak more competitive,
services were cut. Begging the question: what's left? They got
a plan to tear out the seats? After getting public accustomed
to sandwiches tasting like cardboard, now real cardboard can be
· Children: Made it easier to remove children from abusive
families. Next year we can work on removing constituencies from
· Judgeships: Out of 77 nominations, only 36 were confirmed.
And Congress has agreed to accept 36/77ths of their pay. Right,
and formica is edible.
· Contested Elections: Still squabbling over jurisdictional
charges by Bob Dornan R-Cal, concerning Democrat Loretta Sanchez
whom he claims beat him with votes from dead people. After all,
Orange County is not Chicago, it's Disneyland.
· China: Human rights, schmuman rights. Extended most-favored
nation status for another year. Now that Pol Pot has recanted,
perhaps we can get him some sort of special status as well.
Will Durst will take 36/77ths of their pay for five months
worth of work.
hey, i forgot. please tell everybody you know with a neilsen
box to watch LIVELYHOOD, starting this friday on PBS stations
all over the country. check out livelyhood.org for local times
and dates. thank you for your kind and considerate attention.
you may go back to your regularly scheduled spam.
a saber rattling week
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE VOTERS OKAYED A PROPOSAL
TO REBUILD THE CENTRAL FREEWAY. OF COURSE NEARBY RESIDENTS WERE
UPSET, TO WHICH I CAN ONLY SAY, "HEY, IT'S THE CENTRAL FREEWAY,
NOT A TANGENTAL ONE".
The defense for Louise Woodward said the strategic decision
to let the jury consider only a first or second degree murder
charge in the death of 8 month old Matthew Eappen now "can
be seen as a mistake", and they want the judge to consider
a manslaughter charge that they earlier eshewed. Get it: they
want take-backs. What a brilliant concept. Adopting a third grade
playground concept to law. Much better than the old seventh grade
two-out of-three tactic most failed attorneys use via the appeals
method. I think a large percentage of us would like to incorporate
this new responsibility avoidance theory in everyday life.
* "I know I closed down a strip bar and drank most of
a half gallon of vodka then drove off an embankment plowing straight
into a tree, but now I'd rather I had spent a quiet evening at
home watching Ken Burns' magnificent production of "Lewis
* "Sure, I might have fooled around a little earlier in
my life, but for crum's sake, why should my high handed moralizing
now have to bear up to my sordid past especially since I'm President"?
* "Okay, okay, so I tell jokes in bars; why does that
mean I can't become America's most beloved author of love sonnets?"
Oh, that Will Durst should ever hear, a poem as lovely as a
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE ON SATURDAY, THE MAYOR AND
THE REST OF THE CITY WILL ENGAGE IN SOMETHING CALLED "THE
BIG SWEEP". AND NO, THIS ONE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE HOMELESS,
You know, when I hear all these alarmist self pitying reports
about how people have stopped paying attention to newspapers and
the national news, I actually get envious of the astute public's
ability to shield themselves from such incredible bull crap that
they should be shooting out their TV's like 260 million Elvises
jagged up on fried mashed banana and peanut butter sandwiches
in a town totally devoid of white cotton panties. You probably
missed this, and I ain't pulling no judgement trip, but in the
face of incredible pressure of reality leaking onto the floor
of congressional proceedings like mozzarella onto coals from a
barbecued pizza, the Senate has managed to keep the onrushing
tide of the 19th century at bay, by voting to disallow laptops
into their august chambers because of the obvious reason; they
being the instruments of the devil and all. And none of those
new fangled ballpoint pens either. Quills, dammit. And powdered
wigs, pants with weird flares in the thighs, and hats with buckles
on them. And get away with the checks and the IOU's, these white
boys are interested in good old American cash. Hey, if it was
good enough for the reconstructionists, it should be good enough
Will Durst is very very confused but eerily contented.
OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE ROLLING STONES ARE APPEARING
NEXT WEEKEND. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE
THE METAMUCIL CONCESSION AT THE COLISEUM.
The Unabomber Journals have been released to the general public,
and surprisingly it turns out Ted Kaczynski was more twisted than
your average rock and roll drummer after a two week gig in Amsterdam.
Who knew? The journals were written partly in English, Spanish,
numeric code and some frighteningly weird pictographs which researchers
suggest may have anticipated the Spice Girls. Both the defense
and the prosecution are expected to use the journals to enhance
their case. The prosecution, because they expect the notations
will reveal premeditation, and the defense because they will attempt
to portray Teddy as crazier than a shithouse rat on mescaline
living in a mirrored maze where they play nothing but John Tesch
music 24 hours a day. Which probably won't be that hard to do,
since he showed less compassion for his victims than Republicans
feel for people without stock portfolios. I don't expect the Journals
to be a best seller, at least not until they've been abridged
into trade paper, but I can see the movie rights being scooped
up by Roger Corman. A quickie 5 week production filmed in Alberta
to avoid union problems, starring a bearded Eric Roberts as the
tragic misunderstood anti technologist. And of course, Uma Thurman
as the high school hall monitor who rejected him.
Will Durst wants to play Eddie, the best friend, who never
gave up on his buddy, even when he was living on raccoon jerky.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE WE'LL SHELL OUT ABOUT $1.2
MILLION IN HOLIDAY PERK PAY FOR OUR CITY EMPLOYEES. MAYBE THEY
NEED SOME WINTER HELP, WHAT WITH CHRISTMAS COMING UP AND ALL.
At 2AM Eastern time, Sunday night, Clinton convinced Congress
to cancel the vote for "fast-track" since it became
obvious he was a few votes shy of passage. This move is known
to veteran Washington watchers as the old "saving your butt"
routine, or the "you just wait till we get more dirt on your
whiny ass" maneuver. Fast-track defenders say the trade bill
would cause jewels and thousand dollar bills to fall right from
the sky and directly into the wallet of every American, while
its detractors call the plan to give the President authority to
negotiate deals only subject to approval but not amendments by
Congress, the equivalent of a flesh eating virus for labor after
which we will lust after the idyllic working conditions of subterranean
Vietnamese Nike factories. Newt Gingrich, with his typical delicacy
of a wolverine who had just gnawed his right foreleg off, said
he resented the pressure "that the union bosses have brought
into the Capitol". I like that. Union bosses are the bad
guys. Because they represent people who work for a living. Not
like the corporate bosses who never exert any pressure in their
support of more money. If I were on the fence on this, that little
verbal diarrhea might just make me throw a late night phone call
to my Representative and ask for representation.
Will Durst is beyond representation.
a spooky week's worth
BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE CITY COUNCIL VOTED DOWN A PROPOSAL
PREVENTING THE POLICE FROM USING PEPPER SPRAY BUT OKAYING IT FOR
CIVILIANS, GIVING REAL MEANING TO THE PHRASE, "NEXT TIME
YOU'RE BEING MUGGED, CALL A HIPPY."
Oh, those wacky brokers. What a bunch of nutty zany crazy cats
they turn out to be. Juking us around like we're third string
cornerbacks trying to cover Jerry Rice on a post pattern wearing
blindfolds. Scaring the bejeezus out of us ordinary investors,
as we watch them giggle and snort, giving each other wedgies on
the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, making flatulent noises
with their hands cupped under their armpits, while we keep wondering
if the difference between a correction and a crash is like bunjee
jumping with and without the bunjee. Asian markets, my butt. They
wanted this rollercoaster ride. It's how they get off. Like little
kids, these hyperactive squirrel monkeys need adrenaline the same
way Charles Barkley needs to mix it up in a bar every three months.
And I have to admit to a slight feeling of sympathy for them.
Standing idly by while ticker prices monotonously go up and up
and up must be as exciting as listening to a lawn of encroaching
crab grass photosynthesize. Like watching varnish harden. They
must have been getting bored. Besides, hardly any of these fuzzy
fresh faced zygotes has ever seen a Bear Market. A major downturn
has to be like forbidden fruit. "Oh yeah, if it's so bad,
how come we can't just taste it?" They're not in it for the
money, but rather the juice, the buzz, that all important hot
shiver down the spine as they win hundreds of millions of dollars
worth of other people's money. Or lose it. Whatever. Hey, what's
the big deal? They get a cut on both the buying and the selling.
Which makes me wonder how many more billion shares of stock volume
days lie ahead of us. But then you got to remember, I'm one of
those really paranoid guys.
For some reason, Will Durst thinks these delinquents are going
to barge right up to the front of the line and jump on the rollercoaster
ALAMEDA, CALIFORNIA, WHERE A SCHOOL TEACHER WAS CLEARED OF
CHARGES OF WRONGDOING FOR DISCUSSING ELLEN DEGENERES' COMING OUT.
IT ISN'T CLEAR IF HER POSITIVE REVIEW OF "THE TOM ARNOLD
SHOW" WILL REQUIRE A SECOND HEARING.
You got to feel sorry for Chinese President Jiang Zemin. The
poor guy comes over here ostensibly on a trade mission, announcing
a $3 billion purchase of passenger planes from Boeing, which after
all our whiny talk about deficits, he has to assume will be met
with some half way positive press. Wrong! He ends up sharing news
coverage with Richard Gere, and since China doesn't get Entertainment
Tonight, he can't even float a couple of spurious Cyndi Crawford
rumors in response. Probably wasn't briefed about the gerbil bit
either. And how was he supposed to know the first state visit
by a Chinese leader in 12 years would coincide with Halloween
and he'd be forced into private sessions with Tom Daschle, Trent
Lott and Newt Gingrich all dressed up in their most impressive
red white and blue neon freedom costumes? Every politician in
America is offering up their mother as Salman Rushdie's food taster
to be photographed lecturing the leader of a fifth of the world's
populace on the merits of Democracy as interpreted by them, and
the fact that next year is an election year is a mere co-incidence.
The two ways out are for him to kick the crap out of Jackie Chan
for the rights to Hong Kong or to denounce and officially outlaw
Will Durst would opt for the latter.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE AVERAGE PRICE FOR A THREE
BEDROOM HOUSE IS AROUND EIGHT MILLION DOLLARS. WELL, OKAY, BUT
IT MIGHT AS WELL BE.
I smoke cigarrettes. Yes, I inhale the burning exhaust of a
cylindrical tube full of tobacco into my respiratory cavaties
filling the pores of my lungs on purpose. Just a little something
I do for me. Isn't it great that gays came out of the closet just
in time for us smokers to go in? You know who I feel sorry for.
Grs. We are the new lepers. They're going to make us wear bells
pretty soon so they can hear us approach. You see us outside our
little office buildings in our little circular smoking cabals.
Its like high school all over again. "Hey Durst, the manager."
45 years old, relearning how to cup a cigarette. As of January
1st here in California, no more smoking in any bars. You non-smokers
may be happy now, but how long before the health police come knocking
on your door? Next will be pork rinds. Then blue cheese. "Aromatically
agressive." And finally to save us from ourselves; chocolate.
Oh, hit you where you live did we? Can you imagine trying to introduce
sugar into today's climate? "All right, here's the deal.
I got this flaky white powder, and it produces a real wiry high.
I mean jaw clenchingly wired. Gives you the shakes like a poodle
on a Zamboni. And the crash is... hard. But here's the kicker,
we market it straight at kids. Start them out on it the first
thing every morning. Cover their cereal in it at the factory".
Yeah, Will Durst can see that, then the FDA would tow your
butt to sea.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE MACY'S IS DETERMINED TO KEEP
BLOOMINGDALE'S FROM JUMPING INTO THE MARKET, EVEN THOUGHT THEY'RE
BOTH OWNED BY FEDERATED. DON'T YOU HATE THESE FAMILY SQUABBLES?
As election day approaches, a lot of us have heard many varying
opinions on the various noble propositions that await our considered
dispersal. Most of these initiatives have supporters on both sides
with virtuous intentions. Except for the proponents of the measure
being callously presented to the voters as YES. If YES is enacted,
this cynical proposal could cause property taxes to escalate to
110% of market value, and require homeowners to pay for street
improvements of neighbors they don't even know. In addition, school
children would be subject to medical experimentation under the
supervision of the Motor Vehicle Department without parental approval,
and only gym teachers from the country formerly known as East
Germany would be allowed to apply for new openings. This proposal
is blatantly sexist condemning working mothers to day care hell,
while escalating brush fire potential to hellish proportions.
It ignores the needs of the everyday working man and gives free
reign to corporate greed and increasingly suffocating and intrusive
government regulation. So if you're looking for a lower standard
of living, increased pollution or a takeover of the entire hemisphere
by television executives, go ahead, vote for YES. But if you believe
in a country where through hard work we can pull together and
build a better America, we beg you to vote No on YES.
Will Durst is pro No on YES.
a very tealy week's worth
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE NAVY HAS GIVEN TREASURE
ISLAND TO THE CITY, AND YOU CAN NOW BE BARRED FROM ENTERING IF
THEY DON'T LIKE YOUR LOOKS. WHICH MEANS DANNY AIELLO SHOULDN'T
So here's the deal. Everybody is complaining that Bill Clinton
and Prince Albert may or may not have sinned against the spirit
of an obscure 1873 law that was written murkier than a snorkling
expedition in a honey wagon. A full 4 years, I might add, before
Alexander Graham Bell started talking to himself. Yeah, like the
Republicans only communicated with their contributors through
Ouija boards, mental telepathy and concentrating real hard. Enough
already. So, I'm thinking either we go one way; like not allowing
anybody to give any money to any candidates at all. Then we'd
see big time political operatives selling lemonade on card tables
outside television stations, not to mention election eve bake
sales. C'mon, wouldn't you pay good American greenbacks to see
Hillary in a crisp pinafore pushing some of those homemade chocolate
chip brownies of hers? Or we could go the other way and just let
them grab any and or all monies they can get their grubby little
hands on. Find out what the Presidency is worth on the open market.
Maybe Bill Gates and Ted Turner could get into a bidding war for
major influence in National Affairs. Probably wouldn't work: can't
think of why they'd want to pay for something they're already
getting for free.
Will Durst doesn't think it could get worse, but then again
he doesn't want to tempt fate.
NEW YORK CITY, WHERE EVERYONE WAS ENCOURAGED TO WEAR ALL BLACK
TODAY TO PROTEST POLICE BRUTALITY. OH YEAH. BIG DEAL, SOUTH OF
14TH STREET. LIKE GOING TO JERSEY AND ASKING ALL WOMEN TO WEAR
At the National Geographical Society yesterday, Bill Clinton
called for $5 billion in incentives to cut greenhouse gases. Apparently
survival of the human species ain't quite inducement enough for
these people. They must figure we got at least ten years or so
to make gobs of money before it all starts burning up from exposure
to the atmosphere. Brillo Head spoke in preparation for a December
meeting in Kyoto, Japan where 170 nations will try to reach a
binding agreement to commit to specific measures to turn back
global warming. Of course the environmentalists got their sprouts
all up in a twist calling the proposal grossly unacceptable, which
is probably exactly what Clinton needs to get it passed through
a Republican Congress. They're not the only ones refusing to jump
on board the Fresh Air Express: Arab countries have objected to
cutting back on the gases and want to be reimbursed by industrial
nations if the program results in lower oil purchases. Kind of
like dealers still sending you bills after you've cleaned up.
The Big Three automakers are also against the tighter emission
controls, but that's about as surprising as finding dirt in the
Kleenex when you blow your nose after being buried alive.
Will Durst thinks that the Chinese concession to greenhouse
gas emission reductions won't even include putting a sock in it.
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON, WHERE THE MAKAH INDIAN TRIBE WAS GRANTED
PERMISSION TO HUNT 4 GREY WHALES FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 70 YEARS.
I'M THINKING OF FILING FOR PERMISSION TO HUNT WOOLY MAMMOTHS.
Here's the deal. My income is derived from mocking and scoffing
and taunting. That's what I do. I'm the designated dick. A national
resource of doubt and misgivings dedicated to the proposition
that most men are total idiots consumed with self absorption.
It's not a pretty job but someone has to do it. As a matter of
fact, at times, I would much rather be doing almost anything else,
like sheep farming in Southern France. OK. Especially sheep farming
in Southern France. It just leaks out of me like spring sap in
a Maine maple forest. The scorn and derision comes to me like
lobotomized swallows returning to Capistrano. Mostly I get my
material from others. Hundreds of writers deliver my stuff to
me at 7 am on the dot every morning. At least I suspect that's
when the papers come, since I don't wake up till the crack of
ten. So now, the Million Woman March is headed to Philadelphia
on Saturday, and I'm supposed to use it as a jumping off point
for topical and/ or social commentary shedding light on the vagaries
and frailties of the human spirit and I can't. I mean no disrespect
at all when I say to all the attendees: "You go girls!"
Just as you probably always suspected, deep down within; Will
Durst is a pussycat.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE EARLY ARCHAEOLOGICAL DIGS
HAVE DISCOVERED ANCIENT REMAINS OF WHAT MANY CONSIDER TO BE THE
FIRST THREE DOLLAR COOKIE.
Now I'm a cynic. So when you tell me people like to get high,
I'm as surprised as a penguin is by ice. After all, I used to
be a bartender. I have seen normal homo sapiens mix perfectly
good bourbon with root beer. On purpose. It's that length that
humans will go to cop a buzz that flips me out like a Laplander
grandma in a Safeway produce section. In the four corners area
of the Southwest there's a toad that secretes an hallucinogenic
sweat. Government officials have made licking this toad illegal.
Now before you have a law you have to have a problem, right? I
was just wondering a couple of things; how high do you already
have to be in order to lick a sweaty toad? "No man, you got
to squeeze it first. Oh, you idiot, that's a frog." And two,
how many animal fluid mixtures did these pharmacological pioneers
go through... before they stumbled onto the correct formula?
* Weepy wolverines?
* Dead mule slobber?
* Dried banana slug trail chips?
* Aardvarks with the sniffles?
* Earwax from an albino dwarf goat?
* Irritated black scorpion venom?
* Eye gunk from a rare breed of South Pacific duck billed hedgehogs?
* Hippopotamus toe jam?
* Giraffe nostril crust?
* Lion semen?
Will Durst has done many strange and horrible things but if
he ever licks any sweaty amphibian, shoot him.
OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA, WHERE JERRY BROWN IS THREATENING TO RUN
FOR MAYOR. JUST WHAT OAKTOWN NEEDS; A MAYOR WITH THE SENSE OF
HUMOR OF AN MEDIAN STRIP.
It's a correction! It's a crash! It's a correction! It's a
crash! It's TWO! TWO! TWO! precipitous declines at once. You can
say I'm wacky but calling a five hundred fifty point drop a correction,
is like calling a fall from a fifty story building; a bunjee jump
without the bunjee. Like referring to a pit bull locked onto your
wrist as a nuisance to your backswing. Like being attacked by
a shark and worrying about your wetsuit rental deposit. From now
on, ValuJet is going to claim they never had a crash, just an
extremely sudden altitude correction. I suppose they already have
plans to call the subsequent Depression, the Time of Reflection.
Everybody kept saying the Bear was dead. Guess again friends.
He was just seepy. And now he's hungry. The people I feel sorry
for are the fuzzy new kid brokers who have no idea what's going
on. "So, what's the deal? Tomorrow, Bambi's Mother gets up
and nuzzles us under the chin again, right?" And now you
got these experts littering the airwaves like cigarette butts
outside a Federal building giving out such sage advice as "It'll
get better" and "It'll get worse" and "It'll
stay the same." Thanks guys, now I know why Dionne Warwicke
makes all that money on Pyschic Hotline.
Will Durst knows what the hell happened: El Nino.
Will Durst will be at the Marin JCC on Thursday, the 30th of
October in their Conversation series. he is honored to be interviewed
by Jon Carroll.
100% new improved week's worth now with pharmitrol
BIG SUR, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE ENERGY LEVEL IS SUCH THAT EROSION
IS LOOKED UPON AS A DRASTIC AND RADICAL MEANS OF WASTEFUL AND
Tapes. What is wrong with these guys that they continue to
keep tapes. You have to be dumber than a bucket of burnt raccoon
hair covered in motor oil to even consider hanging onto tapes
these days. First Nixon got bounced on his butt because of audio
tapes. Then they produce LBJ tapes. LBJ for crum's sake! Makes
Andre Dice Clay look like the missing brother from the Brady Bunch.
Now the President has released video tapes of him cavorting with
wealthy supporters at coffees and other monied events in the White
House. I bet the only reason Reagan didn't end up strangling on
Memorex was because he kept forgetting to turn the taping system
on. Sunday, the White House announced it had mysteriously discovered
tapes of 44 coffees the President attended, which I'm sure had
been picked over more closely than an organic strawberry patch
at a vegetarian picnic. The reason for the long delay in producing
the tapes? "Sloppy staff work". Seems to be a chronic
problem they got there at the White House. Boy it sure is hard
to get good help these days, isn't it? Next thing you know Hillary
is going to release dimly lit tapes of Harold Ickes pushing Bob
Dole off the platform in Chico. Then, footage from a mall security
camera will reveal George Stephanopolous earning "soft"
money by dressing up as a Smurf. I bet the Democrats could raise
a good deal of money by selling videotapes of that one for children's
Will Durst bets PBS would use during pledge.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE WE HAVE BUS SIGNS PROMOTING
BILLY GRAHAM'S THREE DAY CRUSADE AT THE COW PALACE WITH THE SLOGAN
Here in the golden plated state of California, the Big One
has finally struck. But it took a federal appeals court to send
tremors down what was previously unrecognized as a fault line.
The big freakin deal is the U.S. Court of Appeals struck down
the 1990 initiative mandating legislative term limits. And now
the stage is set for next year's statewide elections to be wilder
than New Year's Eve at Robert Downey Jr.'s place. Better put on
your Kevlar blast shield goggles, kiddies, because the fracas
is going to get more out of hand than a busload of junkies in
an unlocked pharmacy using dynamite as candles after hours. I'm
surprised the camera guys didn't hand out bibs when the news crews
got the reaction shots from our illustrious elected and former
elected leaders, considering all the saliva spewing out of their
sputtering faces. "Once again, its all about jobs. But this
time, we're talking about important jobs. Our jobs." The
court said the voters weren't aware the ban would be a lifetime
one, but you got to remember some of these are the same voters
who elected Sonny Bono to Congress, twice. Where he was appointed
to the House Intelligence Committee. I'm not so sure aware is
an operative word even under the best of circumstances here.
Durst thinks "campaign manager" will be the state's
largest career growth area within a year.
PALO ALTO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE STANFORD BAND ISSUED A WRITTEN
APOLOGY FOR MAKING FUN OF THE IRISH POTATO FAMINE DURING ITS FOOTBALL
GAME WITH NOTRE DAME. CAN'T WAIT FOR THE CARDINAL TO PLAY THE
UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA TROJANS.
Hey guys, this is Durst with your Alan Greenspan watch.
Following a heavy meal, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan
reportedly burped yesterday, sending shivers through Wall Street
that nearly brought down several International commodities exchanges.
This was immediately after his dinner companions at the upscale
Midtown Manhattan Benningan's restaurant seemed disappointed in
the size of their portions, but Greenspan just grunted, which
was interpreted as perhaps indicative that lowered expectations
are the wave of the future. He then picked at his vegetables,
and played soccer with his roll using a napkin as a goal leading
to a run on sports related stocks. Later he was seen splashing
cold water on his face in the bathroom, leading to speculation
by career Greenspan spotters as notice of the rude awakening we
will all receive when the central bank decides the fate of interest
rates at its next meeting on November 12th. No dessert was ordered,
although many tempting specials were available including an exquisite
chocolate tart covered in a raspberry reduction frustrating many.
Then a brief sell off was precipitated when he flirted with the
waitress, deciphered by more than a few to be a tacit encouragement
of the practise of giving part time emloyees extended benefits
packages, but a leveling off occurred twenty minutes later when
observers were relieved to see Greenspan leaving only an 18% tip,
a full one and a half % less than he left last time, evidence
that he was not acceding to Labor's increasingly strident demand
for a living wage. He left, after taking one toothpick, a pack
of matches and two mints, an action which experts are now assessing,
especially since it was noted he only ate one of the mints. Although
it is universally acknowledged that the TWO mints may be a good
sign. And then again, they may not.
Will Durst is guilty of "Irrational Exuberance".
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE 30TH ANNIVERSARY OF THE
SUMMER OF LOVE WAS HELD IN GOLDEN GATE PARK. IN OCTOBER. I GUESS
IT WAS AN INDIAN SUMMER. YOU CAN'T MAKE STUFF UP LIKE THIS
* Congress has returned to session to find itself split into
two bitter forces. The Republicans led by Newt Gingrich. And the
Republicans not led by Newt Gingrich.
* The whole Helms/ Weld debate boiled down to differences in
eras. Weld is a Republican from the New Age, and Helms is a Republican
from the Jurassic Age.
* President Clinton claims to have created millions of jobs.
And the people of Mexico thank him.
* It used to be when the Dallas Cowboys played a weaker team,
it was no contest. Now, more often, that's their plea.
* Scientists may have discovered the origin of that weird noise
coming from the Malibu beach. It is thought to be the result of
the wind whistling through the cast of "Baywatch".
* Quayle is managing his own campaign for the year 2000. He
has already chosen his theme: "Building a Bridge to the 20th
Century", but he had to return all the bumper stickers. They
all had one side that was real sticky.
* Stanford has vowed to treat Chelsea Clinton like every other
student, so now ALL freshmen are required to leave their Secret
Service contingent at the door.
* The Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department held a sickout
to protest low wages. The rise in crime was almost a mirror image
inverse curve in relation to the drop in donut sales.
Will Durst doesn't do sickouts. Sickins, yes.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE SUMMER OF LOVE REUNION
WAS SO SUCCESSFUL, SEQUELS ARE NOW BEING PLANNED. THE AUTUMN OF
ENNUI. THEN THE WINTER OF DISCONTENT. THE SNICKERS SOLSTICE.
And now another in our continuing series of KNOW YOUR GOVERNMENT.
Today's episode; MEET YOUR SUPREME COURT. The Supreme Court was
Created by Article 3, Section 1 of the Constitution. For the first
eight years, until 1807, there were only 6 justices, but they
had too many problems with ties. Today, the Supreme Court consists
of nine justices who serve for LIFE. Yes, even Clarence Thomas.
Like all federal judges, the President appoints them and the Senate
confirms them. Kind of like a father with a date. "You are
not going out with him. I don't care what all the other States
are doing. I suppose if all the States adopted term limits, you
would too." The most important ruling the Supreme Court makes
is whether to hear a case. If they refuse to hear it, the lower
court ruling stands.
Like when your mother pretends not to hear your impassioned
pleading and you're forced to accept your father's ruling.
There are eight associate justices.
David H. Souter, Harvard Law graduate. Antonin Scalia, Harvard
Law graduate. Sandra Day O'Connor, Stanford Law graduate. Stephen
Breyer, who got his AB from Stanford, but graduated Harvard Law,
just like Anthony M. Kennedy; AB from Stanford, then Harvard Law.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg, attended Harvard Law, but graduated from
Colombia Law. John Paul Stevens, Northwestern, but he's old. And
Clarence Thomas, Yale Law. Well, that explains a lot. There is
only one Chief Justice; William H. Rehnquist, BA. Stanford, MA.
Harvard, but he graduated... from Stanford Law. That's why he's
the Chief Justice. So kids, when they tell you in school that
just about anybody can grow up to be a Supreme Court Justice,
its true. As long as that anybody graduates from Harvard or Stanford
Obviously, Will Durst is not just anybody.
a melancholy week's worth
ALPENA, MICHIGAN, WHERE BIG OLD AMERICAN CARS SLAM ON THE BRAKES
TO SLOW DOWN TO A REASONABLE 80 AFTER PASSING THE COPS IN THE
OBVIOUS SPEED TRAP EVERYBODY KNOWS ABOUT.
Right now, Janet Reno is considering whether to appoint a special
investigator to investigate the invesitigation that surrounds
the Vice President to see if he breathes through his lungs or
has hidden gills. Actually it's got something to do with money.
Al said he's confident he didn't run afoul of "any controlling
legal authority". Which, admittedly I have no idea what that
means, but it sounds like he still thinks he can slip the net
on this one. Yes, the man who marketed himself like starch; "Ol'
Stiff & Clean" turns out not to be so soilless. Although
soulless is still firm in the repertoire. The guy has moves frozen
androids would drool over. Makes granite look fluid. And now that
Prince Al, the illegitmate child of Mr. Clean and Mother Nature
has problems you wouldn't wish on an Islamic Jihad orphanage suicide
bomber, he's responded with all the grace of a bowling ball with
corners. Even tried to drag some Buddhist nuns down with him.
Now that's cold. You know what I think, I think Clinton's Teflon
bill has come due and Goreboy just got stuck with it. Though I'm
sure I join all the Democrats including Richard Gephardt in wishing
the second in command well in his turn in the spotlight. The one
with crosshairs on it.
Will Durst thinks he could market "Stiff & Clean"
but not as a starch.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE WE SPEND OUR FREE TIME CELEBRATING
THE GOOD WEATHER BY DRINKING BLACK COFFEE INDOORS IN AIR CONDITIONED
October is the tenth month, although it got its name from the
Latin word Octo, meaning "eight" because it used to
be the eighth month of the year before Julius and Augustus conspired
to have their load of egotistical crap dumped into the mix. The
Romans dedicated this monnth to the god of war Mars and sacrificed
a horse named October Equus to appease him. A race was run between
two horses hauling chariots and the winner became the sacrificial
victim. Which probably near the end, once the pattern was established,
led to some very slow races. The Saxons called the month Wyn Monath,
or wine month, because it fell during the season of wine making,
although if it were up to those wacky Saxons, every month would
have been named Wyn Monath. For me it's just the start of the
deep comforting dark when they screw with our time. And of course
that weird holiday spiral into angioplasty hell, when I eat myself
sick on massive amounts of items with the nutritional value of
sugar covered cardboard and bloat up like a poisoned toad. But
the crisp dying of nature and the sweet smell of rot gives me
a kind of serenity. And the bonfires are not all that unattractive
to us sinners. Especially the ones that get out of hand.
Will Durst has gotten out of hand.
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE GOVERNOR PETE WILSON SIGNED A
BILLION DOLLAR TAX BREAK THAT WILL CUT $60 OFF A $40,000 FAMILY'S
BILL, AND $300 OFF A $100,000 FAMILY'S BILL, PROVING ONCE AGAIN,
IT PAYS TO BE RICH.
I know why the Giants were swept in the NL Division Series
by the Marlins. Its the same reason Princess Diana and Mother
Teresa died within days of each other. And obviously the cause
of the problems with the Mir Space Station. Not to mention my
Uncle Bud's problems in determining the ages of willing teenage
companions. El Nino. Yes friends, El Nino is the root of all evil
in the world. It is the embodiment of the devil and has been sent
as a sign that God is punishing us for being soulless heathens
with the morals of rabid frat jackals in heat in a shed full of
naked Swedish Bikini Team members on Ecstasy. El Nino is also
responsible for Al Gore's Executive Mansion phone dialing by itself,
the congestion on I-80 causing me to be late to work four out
of five days last week and for m chronic slice off the tee, except
when she uses her long irons, but does she listen to me? Noooo.
To let this sinister "natural phenomenon" terrorize
us is to allow the diabolic forces of the Horny Fiend to poison
our collective goodness. So here's my suggestion. We all make
a pilgrimage to the Pacific Ocean and toss in a cup of ice cubes.
Three pound bags and you grease your chute to heaven. Hey, it
Will Durst says "let's give it a try". November 1st.
Ocean Beach, San Francisco. At sundown.
RIVERSIDE, CALIFORNIA, WHICH PERFECTLY FITS ERNEST HEMINGWAY'S
DESCRIPTION OF HIS HOMETOWN: A PLACE FULL OF BROAD LAWNS AND NARROW
There are two kinds of people in the world. Those of us who
split the world into two kinds of people and those who don't.
Since I'm one of the former, here's more examples.
* People who eat pizza with a fork, and the rest of us who
shovel it into our mouths with hands, elbows and table legs.
* People who read USA today and people who read it but refuse
to admit it.
* The vast group of ordinary Americans who actually work for
a living and their elected representatives.
* People who find Carrot Top funny and people who have yet
to undergo electro shock therapy.
* Those of us whose entry into the technological age has moved
smoothly and those who use AOL.
* People who enjoy sports contests and Raiders fans.
* Folks with a modicum of simple human civil courtesy and the
* Those that listen to Michael Bolton records and those with
functioning intact ear drums.
* Folks to whom the smell of urine is unpleasant and New Yorkers.
* Regular readers who devour every page of each month's issue
of Vanity Fair and those of us with a life.
* Normal human beings with an aversion to telling outright
lies while staring directly into peoples faces and tobacco lobbyists.
* Married men who learn to choke back some of their ego and
tough it through the hard times and Larry King.
Fine decent caring people and Will Durst.
Look for will durst's 60's piece in the op ed page of last
saturday's new york times.
week's worth schmeek's worth
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE CITY WORKERS WERE TREATED
TO A SEMINAR ON HOW TO CREATE A MORE CUSTOMER-FRIENDLY ENVIRONMENT.
HINT: THE TARANTULA FOREHEAD TATTOO CAN BE COVERED WITH BANGS.
The White House is contagious. It seems to have infected President
Clinton with a severe case of Ronald Reagan disease. He can't
remember. Hardly anything. The poor man simply does not recall.
He's unsure, and upon partisan prompting seems to recollect some
things but refuses to rush to judgement. It's not like he wasn't
there. Of course he was; I mean there's pictures and everything,
but try as he might, he just can't think back to where what was
said to whom or when it did or didn't happen. Which obviously
it did. Those readouts seem to prove it, right? Lucky for those
readouts, hunh? And the pages and pages of Harold Ickes' calendar.
Yep, what would we have done without good old Harold Ickes? But
it's just a big foggy mess in grey hair's old memory bank. Might
have been something he ate. Went over his notes and it didn't
jog a thing, and sorry, no, the notes aren't available anymore.
He can't quite remember anything about money either. As a matter
of fact he's not even sure he's clear on the concept of how money
works. You use it to rub spices onto vegetables before grilling,
right? Hey, cut the guy some slack, hunh? He just can't remember,
is all. Can't recall. Wish he could. Trying hard.
Will Durst thinks if he were facing perjury he wouldn't be
able to remember his name.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, THE ONLY TOWN IN THE WORLD WHERE
THE DOUBLEMINT TWINS RUN SCREAMING IN HORROR FROM OFF HAND SUGGESTIONS
ABOUT RESIDUAL COMMISSIONS FROM STREET PEOPLE.
What raise?? You mean we'll make more money? Who knew? Total
serendipity. The House of Representatives barely tolerated a 2.3
percent cost of living pay raise by reluctantly approving the
Treasury and Postal Service Appropriations bill in a 229 to 199
vote. The fact that this loathsome pay raise for themselves was
included in the bill was a total shock to everybody. "We're
just trying to level the playing field for America's working men
and women. The fact that we are included in this sweeping civil
service raise is an unwilling incidental by-product", said
some guy who's not up for re-election this year. What they mean
to say is: if it were up to them, they'd work for free, but unfortunately
that scenario is illegal by present day regulations and they,
the elected representatives, are being forced under duress, to
accept these totally arbitrary and capricious stipulations which
will give them an annual salary close to $140,000. Poor babies.
I think I speak for all of us, when I say we normal humans working
on an hourly wage feel mightily for their oppressive plight. And
every one of them should be forced to spend at least two months
figuring out how to feed a family of four on one minumum wage
salary before they are allowed to ever vote on another bill affecting
real humans, but then that could be considered reactionary, right?
Will Durst is a reactionary.
RENO, NEVADA, THE BIGGEST LITTLE CITY IN THE WORLD, WHERE SOME
OF THE SCARIEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD LOSE VAST SUMS OF MONEY AND
THEN WANDER THE STREETS LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO BLAME.
I'm not sorry Marv Albert got fired for sexually assaulting
a woman. It's past time us mens get hip real fast to the simple
fact that no means "no". It doesn't mean "maybe".
It doesn't mean, "I'm not sure". And it doesn't mean
"You're so cute when you're riled up, why don't you use my
back as a dental dam". It just seems the world of sports
is running a double standard here. We can pay good money and watch
the felons play. Just can't have them providing the all important
color commentary. It does make a certain television sense. Asking
a typical American audience to concentrate on Shaquille O'Neal
trying to make a free throw with little tiny mental pictures of
the announcer naked and eroused with his toupee falling off might
be too much to ask even during the playoffs. "It's up! It's
in! Yes!" There are some scary thoughts in the world, but
the image of Marv Albert wearing a garter belt and women's panties
ranks right up there with Bob Dole getting spanked in a French
Maid's uniform by a rubber clad Rush Limbaugh. Worse than imagining
your parents doing the beast with two backs. I don't think Stephen
King could imagine that. Richard Bachman maybe.
Will Durst thinks our justice system is "Fan-tastic!"
PELLSTON, MICHIGAN, WHERE THE TREE COLORS ARE STARTING TO BURN.
MAKES YOU WONDER WHY YOU LIVE IN A CITY. THEN YOU FIND OUT THE
COAL BURNING INTERNET SERVER ONLY WORKS WHEN THE SUN IS UP.
I was on a plane ride from hell today. The only good thing
is they check everything, and if anything doesn't work, they don't
go. I like that. Not a policy I'd be willing to institute in my
personal travel plans, however.
* 1 driver's side windshield wiper scraping metal against glass.
* 1 right rear quarter panel held on by sheet metal and wood
* Some large blunt phantom object bumping around the trunk
* 1 loose unsecured sun roof stuffed with back issues of free
alternative weeklies. Check.
* 1 spare wire clothes hangar to fill emergency double duty
as radio antenna and muffler holder upper.
* 2 rolls of Duct tape.
* 1 Empty cassette box.
* 1 Jack missing crowbar handle.
* Wet flares.
* 1 Rag crusted into approximate shape of Mount Fuji.
* 1 flashlight with either the bulb burned out, the batteries
corroded and leaking or the lens cap rusted shut.
Check, check and check.
* 4 pennies, 2 fast food drive through salt packets, 1 toothpick
with brown tarry stuff on the tip and a severely misshapen candy
Ooops, looks like were missing the sunglasses with only one
ear stem. Gotta go back.
Will Durst is the king of sunglasses with only one ear stem.
a weeek's worthmore or less
PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA WHERE BENJAMIN FRANKLIN ESTABLISHED
THE FIRST LENDING LIBRARY IN AMERICA. AS OPPOSED TO THE SAN FRANCISCO
WHERE THE FIRST IRISH COFFEE WAS MADE. ITS A TOSS UP.
Earlier we started giving Congress its first term report card.
Let us finith the behavioral sciences, shall we? Business Ethics/A
/The Newtmeister again, for arranging to pay off his fine with
a loan for which he puts up no collateral and doesn't start payments
for eight years. (You or I try to set up a loan like that and
they'd call large men in white coats to put us in rooms with soft
walls forcing us to swallow pills to help us "relax".)
Music Appreciation/ C/ Dissolved disorganized marching band after
drum major quit. Sex Education/ B plus/ As usual, it was very
helpful to have so many motivated self starters in the classroom
to set an example. Hope those boys at Pentagon High are watching.
Driver's Training/ Improvement Needed/ Shows skill with frequent
stops and sudden turns, but needs to develop proficiency in moving
forward without a lead car. Penmanship/ Satisfactory/ The entire
group had beautiful handwriting, never leaving a single fingerprint.
Of course, a large percentage have test exams written by lobbyists.
Home Room Conduct/ Unsatisfactory/ Does not play well with others.
Refuses to accept responsibility. Attitude/ Of Concern/ Demonstrates
little self control. Exemplified by Dick Gephardt's blatant flaunting
of Vice Principal Gore's authority. The man has endeared himself
to fellow Democrats the same way poisonous chigger mites in the
towel concession charm an Olympic swim team before a freestyle
relay qualifying heat.
Will Durst thinks poisonous chigger mites are bogus.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE VERY THE MEREST OF THE
HINT OF A WHISPER OF A QUESTION OF THE GOALS OF THE POLITICAL
CORRECTNESS MOVEMENT CAN GET YOU BLACKBALLED IN EVERY COFFEE SHOP
WHERE THE BALD WAITRESS IS DRESSED IN BLACK.
Flying under the radar of a nation mourning over the death
of one the world's most cherished treasures, and yes, I'm speaking
of our premier clown painter, Red Skelton, the House voted itself
a $3000 pay raise in a fast track action that would make Mach
3 appear as lethargic as a Steven Seagal action sequence filmed
in strobo vision. This pay raise was attatched to an automatic
cost of living increase received by federal workers. In order
to stop the raise, our august body of elected representatives
would have had to written an amendment to the annual Treasury
Department spending bill, but in an occurence more stupefying
than non dairy creamer at a gas station coffee nook, no one did.
Imagine that! A bill, which not one of the 435 members of the
House saw fit to alter. No provisions. No suggestions. An hours
debate. The minumum time it takes to raise the necessary bail.
And not a single misgiving, doubt or passionate espousal. This
is the equivalent of Gourmet Magazine's 100 Top American Chefs
unable to come up with an herb fruit salsa to bathe a hickory
smoked rotisserie chicken, on a seasonal locally grown raspberry
reduction. So essentially, you could say; they earned a pay raise
by not voting on it. Which I interpret as meaning, our eternal
diligence now has to include worrying about them doing nothing.
Their excuse for more money always sounds like, "We need
the extra money to attract a better class of candidate."
Well, obviously. Translates to "If you paid us more, we wouldn't
have to steal. So much."
Q. You know why politicians all wear dark suits.
A. So we can't see the wires on reverse shots.
Will Durst has so few wires, he's about to fall down.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE THE SAN FRANCISCO UNIFIED
SCHOOL DISTRICT TURNED DOWN HUGH M. HEFNER FIRST AMENDMENT AWARD
FOR MISSION HIGH'S NEWSPAPER. DON'T KNOW WHAT THE BIG DEAL IS;
IT COMES IN A BROWN PAPER WRAPPER.
Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates, the man worth $40 billion who
insists on eschewing hair products, and his lovely Microwife,
Melinda, have moved into their new Lake Washington digs after
seven years and about umpteen ecological injunctions. And rumor
has it, the damn Microhouse is already worth less money than the
$50 million it cost to erect, because it was built to such weird
flippo unit quirky Micro specifications. Apparently, guests will
wear lapel "pins" enabling a computer to track their
progress through the mostly underground complex, switch lights
on and off in anticipation and even follow them around with their
favorite music. Which sounds to me... annoying as all get out.
About as carefree as a leisurely stroll through Mexican customs.
Less relaxing than sleeping in a wetsuit on rubber sheets. I can
imagine the end of a gestapo weekend visit with me crumpled in
a hallway corner pleading to some unseen controller in the ceiling.
"Bill... help. Thanks, but I think I've heard quite enough
Bjork already. Some Broadway musicals might be nice. No "Cats"
though. Second act of "Most Happy Fella" maybe. And
please, I know you're only trying to help, but if I could just
flush my own toilet once...
Will Durst thinks the technical age peaked with Pong.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE WE CELEBRATE THE AUTUMNAL
EQUINOX WITH PAGAN RITUALS DANCED ROUND AN ADORNED ALTAR TO AN
ANCIENT PRIMITIVE HEATHEN DRUM BEAT. YOU KNOW LIKE ANY OTHER DAY.
The San Francisco Giants and the Los Angeles Dodgers are engaged
in a down to the wire race for National League Baseball's Western
Division title, and last week at Candlestick Park during a face
to face showdown you could smell the bile. Of course at Candlestick
you can never be sure what you're smelling, particularly when
you hazard too near the food stands. San Francisco's residents
have had a hate/ hate relationship with LA that's probably been
going on since fish crawled out of the Pacific, and all the slimy
shiny ones gravitated south. The problem with our little feud
is that the land of La doesn't even know it exists. "Oh we
love San Francisco. It's such a darling town to spend a getaway
weekend in." NO! You don't get it. We don't like you and
we want you to not like us. Its difficult to leverage any enmity
against a plastic blow dried sack of tofu. Don't get me wrong,
SoCal can be pretty, especially in the spring when the smog turns
green. Ah, it's gorgeous. But you can only ask a clerk at a capaccino
shop if he'd like to get you another Latte and have him tell you
what he'd really like to do is direct so many times before you
will run screaming back to the 415 area code and its blessed fog.
Will Durst says "Go Giants."
WAY WAY MORE THAN A WEEK'S WORTH
sorry this is late. probably not complete either, but close.
been having problems with my mailer. the good news is the DURST
AMENDMENT has been renewed for five and a half episodes next season.
yeah, well we'll see.
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA, WHERE THE STATE FAIR IS EXPECTED TO
ATTRACT OVER 1.5 MILLION PEOPLE IN ITS 12 DAY RUN. THAT'S A LOT
OF CHEESE CURD ON A STICK.
George Magazine is a very enlightened publication from the
mind of John F. Kennedy Jr., who I must say has an exceptional
eye for talent, and the fact they've hired me to provide meandering
musings in the past has very little to do with my effusive praise.
This month their cover story features the 20 Most Fascinating
Men In America, but neglected to chronicle the 20 Least Fascinating
Men In America. I hope to expeditiously remedy that situation.
1. Rush Limbaugh. Jabba The Talk Show Host. Mega Yawns. As
inconsequential as a rope handle on a shovel. 350 pounds of enh.
2. Al Gore. Dialing for Dollars Grand Champion. Potential Dutch
Elm Disease victim. Not apparent whether android logic boards
will have advanced enough by year 2000 to make him appear Presidential.
3. Clarence Thomas. Supreme Court Sheep. Probably consults
with Antonin Scalia before he wipes himself.
4. Tony Blair. Oh, look. Alright, not an American, but he visited
once recently. Conservative in liberal clothing. Clinton should
sue for trademark infringement. As the English are fond of saying:
"Blah. Blah. Blah."
5. Robert Novack. One note Bob and the note in question is
the one right after do and re. Me, dammit, me. Stuffed into that
suit like a sleepy lizard in search of a warm rock after swallowing
a stray pair of dentures.
6. Newt Gingrich. Newt who? Put out an APB. No, come to think
of it, don't.
7. Teddy Kennedy. Senator and Uncle Emeritus. Been very quiet
lately. Too quiet.
8. Billy Bob Thornton. Sling Blade. Schming Blade.
9. Tom Coburn. Oklahoma anthropoidal throwback. Referred to
"Schindler's List", as pornographic and obscene. Ancestors
either hit every branch falling out of stupid tree or were stuck
in evolution control group.
10. OJ Simpson. Plaintiff. There's a large rock in a small
South Seas Island with your name on it. Crawl under it, would
ya? Then wait twenty years before you pull a Nixon and attempt
your comeback. And fail. To be continued.
Will Durst is number 221.
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA, WHERE THEY SAY "HI" ON THE
STREET EVEN IF THEY DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE. CREEPING ME OUT.
George Magazine ran their 20 Most Fascinating Men In America
article recently and I'm just responding here with the 20 Least
Fascinating. Hey, don't thank me. It's the least I can do.
11. Pete Wilson. Pro life Mr. Prop 187. Governor of Limboland.
Alienated fellow Republicans to point where he's less popular
than a school of piranha in a children's wading pool during a
raw meat swimsuit exhibition. And about as marketable.
12. Alan Greenspan. Bear in bull's clothing. You know I believe
in the First Amendment as much as the next guy. As long as the
next guy isn't Alan Greenspan.
13. Stephen Hawking. Commercial actor. Scam artist. How do
we know half the stuff this guy says is true? Who's got the balls
to contradict him? Probably set up whole "smartest man in
the world" trip just so he can meet Uma Thurman.
14. Kenneth Starr. Independent counsel ad nauseam. Master molehill
15. Richard Gephardt. Poster boy for bland. If serious about
wresting spotlight to challenge Gore, should make nice with an
eyebrow prosthetics supply house.
16. Dennis Rodman. Madonna wannabe. Bad boy act starting to
smell a little gamey. Morphing into Richard Simmons with a marginally
higher vertical leap. Probably a smaller scoring average as well.
17. George Will. Charisma of kelp. Makes Mr. Rogers look wired.
Disproves the old saying that anybody who likes baseball can't
be all bad.
18. Ian Wulmit. Cloned a sheep. Right. Hell, we've been cloning
sheep in America for years. Just call 'em the Christian Coalition.
19. Bryant Gumbel. Surly mumbling head. Left the Today Show
to host his own news magazine program. Oh yeah, that's what we
need. Another news magazine show.
20. John F. Kennedy Jr. Married.
21-23. Matt LeBlanc, Matthew Perry, and David Schwimmer. TV
sitcom equivalent of elephant bell jeans. Friends don't let friends
Will Durst doesn't even watch news magazineshows. Except "Livelyhood"
which premieres on PBS in November. That's a good one.
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA, WHERE IN AUGUST, THEY ENCOURAGE SMALL
CHILDREN TO WEAR WEIGHTS IN THEIR SHOES TO KEEP THE MOSQUITOES
FROM PICKING THEM UP AND CARRYING THEM OFF.
Last March, Robot Boy, often referred to as Vice President
Al Gore, admitted to the press he made calls to potential donors
from his White House office "on a few occasions". Like
there were some Fridays the limo brought him home from lunch 20
minutes early and he picked up the phone and called three or four
buds with his feet up on the desk picking his teeth with a matchbook.
Now, records show those "few" occasions came to a total
of 86. He thinks 86 is a few? This guy can't be President. His
mental processes have been distorted out of shape like a rubber
knapsack full of ski poles. What's he think a "couple"
is, 40, 50? Does the aging family cook run screaming from the
manse pulling out clumps of hair like new chives whenever Prince
Albert casually mentions he's invited a "couple" of
friends over for dinner? When this guy sends a "bunch"
of flowers is the recipient forced to hire "a whole mess"
of contractors to erect a solar cooled shed to house them? What
does "hardly any" mean to this walking granite testament
to organic reanimation? A couple thousand? A bunch of millions?
Just remember, if this stone freakazoid ever says he's going on
a tour to give "some" speeches in your area code...
be afraid. Be very afraid.
Will Durst is. Afraid.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THEY CELEBRATE LABOR DAY BY
HUGE FESTIVALS IN THE STREETS WHERE PEOPLE DRESS UP IN ODD COSTUMES
AND PARTY TILL THEIR SOCKS FALL OFF. IN OTHER WORDS, JUST ANOTHER
Labor Day is a wonderful holiday where we celebrate what it
is that we do for a living by taking a day off. So welcome back
to school and work, boys and girls, and while you're readjusting
your seat to fit your added barbecue girth, please persuse these
pink WHILE YOU WERE OUT SLIPS found on your desk.
* Good News: your job was saved. Bad News: the person doing
it will receive 47 cents an hour in Malaysia.
* The new seniority system is in place. Come to the lunch room
and pick up a lottery number.
* Tonight's cynical support group has been cancelled. It was
never going to happen anyway.
* The new management consultant forgot which Hyatt he was staying
at. Call the conference room.
* Personnel called. They want to know your job description.
* The new management consultant thinks everybody should wear
red suspenders tomorrow.
* Save your old staples. Gwen has volunteered to twist them
into paper clips.
* Very Important. Respond immediately. Are you POSITIVE Mt.
Rushmore is not a natural formation?
* The new management consultant has gotten rid of the coffee
machine and says we should all drink green tea.
* Lost: one wall. Please return to accounting. Ask for Jen.
* Please be advised, Monday, the tech department will be measuring
legs for the smaller cubicles.
Will Durst wants to be a management consultant.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THEY FIGURE THE GOLDEN GATE
BRIDGE IS THE SINGLE MOST PHOTOGRAPHED MAN MADE OBJECT IN THE
WESTERN WORLD. OF COURSE, THAT DOESN'T INCLUDE
And now it's time for the August (okay, I'm a little late)
episode of: YOU
CAN'T MAKE STUFF UP LIKE THIS!
* I'm not saying there's a connection, but Al Gore was born
exactly 8 months and 27 days after a bunch of dummies fell out
of weather balloon in Roswell, New Mexico, in 1947. You figure
* Two Berkeley students were arrested for defrauding classmates
out of $340 million. I guess they were charged with impersonating
the Admissions Office.
* Do you think Jesse Helms is still holding a grudge against
the state of Massachusets for being a free state during the Civil
* The Cosmonauts are busy studying schematics for Mir's repair.
Let's see, how's it go? Green Lego attaches to the red Lego. I'm
pretty sure, Mir is Russian for Yugo.
* Amtrak is studying a proposal to allow gambling on it's routes.
Don't know what they're going to call it, but I bet Off Track
Betting isn't leading the list.
* Recently New York City hosted a computer hackers convention.
Wonder if all the pre registrations were marked paid?
* The most formidable line in the NFL: women's rest room, Green
* They opened an S & M restaurant in New York. I don't
get it. If diners want to be tortured, why not just go to Denny's?
Will Durst tortures himself with a vacation, starting today. He
will see you in a week.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE BAY AREA RAPID TRANSIT
STRIKE HAS ENTERED ITS FOURTH DAY, AND EROSION SEEMS FASTER THAN
THE COMMUTE. THE TRAGIC STORY OF PRINCESS DIANA'S FAVORITE SPATULA
In the deepest darkest throes of depression after her tragic
split with the gallant Prince of Wales, Diana, cleverly disguised
as a lowly Upper Middle Class Heiress, found herself shopping
in the exciting fast paced World Famous Camden Saturday Market
adding to her internationally renowned implement collection, when
she stopped with a sudden start at a tawdry but charming peddler's
stand. There, with the brooding English sun gleaming off its shiny
flat turning surface was the most perfect little wooden handled
spatula the beautiful but doomed Princess had ever seen. Somehow
the sight of it comforted her greatly. And after having the butler
haggle the crusty but benign merchant down to a mere pittance,
she carried it home and placed it in a honored slot in the Palace's
chaotic but charmingly disorganized utensil drawer. There, before
every important Gala and Opening, the sorrowful, but enchantingly
fragile heroine would stroke it and admire it's functional simplicity
for truly she was just like any other ordinary cast member of
"Beverly Hills 90210", only richer. An unconfirmed report
from one of the doctors present at the scene of the grisly Parisian
accident even claims her last words as the oxygen mask was being
adjusted sounded a bit like "little spatula, little spatula".
AND NOW THAT LITTLE SPATULA CAN BE YOURS! WITH THE BENJAMIN MINT'S
LIMITED EDITION "LITTLE PRINCESS SPATULA" Available
in both teak and mahogany. Bring A Touch Of Fairy Tale Royalty
To Your Kitchen Today! 3 easy monthly payments of $29.99.
Coming Soon: The Little Princess Soup Ladle.
Will Durst thinks Molly Ivins is both wonderful and delicious.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE A TRANSIT STRIKER BLOCKED
LUNCH DELIVERY OF RIBS TO MANAGEMENT NEGOTIATORS. ALTHOUGH HE
DID ALLOW A LOAD OF BREAKFAST OMELETS TO ENTER. I SEE THE HAND
OF A CLOWN HERE.
A one sentence 46 word provision slipped into the humungous
tax cut legislation which gave a $50 billion, yes, billion, tax
break to the tobacco industry was repealed by a 95 to 3 vote in
the Senate yesterday. Not surprising. These days, tobacco is less
popular than Mike Wallace at a corporate stockholders annual meeting
wearing leiderhosen. No, the surprising news here is nobody knows
who wrote the little gift wrapped amendment. I repeat: nobody
knows. The Republicans don't know. The Democrats don't know. Congress
as usual is clueless. And the Clinton Administration in a knee
jerk reaction said the President has no recollection of meeting
her. You know what this means, of course? There's some sort of
weird parliamentary ghost in Congress with detailed knowledge
of arcane legislative protocol and it keeps writing provisions
and slipping its handiwork into bills with nobody the wiser. This
could explain a lot. We keep wondering why things are more screwed
up than a London florists' back order list. Crazed Leprechauns
are in charge, that's why. Little blood poisoned hickory smoked
gremlins are responsible for running the country. Or maybe it's
the spirit of Alexander Hamilton, roaming the Capitol halls with
regulatory butt to kick, just looking for a quiet corner to grab
a quick smoke.
Will Durst is one with Alexander Hamilton.
PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA, WHERE THE WHOLE CONCEPT OF BROTHERLY
LOVE DISSOLVES INTO BLOODY FRATRICIDE AS SOON AS YOU VOICE YOUR
CHOICE FOR EITHER GENO'S OR PAT'S CHEESESTEAKS.
When the shadow of Autumn Equinox looms larger than the hair
growing out of the mole of the cafeteria lady's nose, it's time
to think of school. Every screaming runny nosed child running
around with someone else's money is back. Including Congress,
and how apropos of them to call their summer vacation a recess.
It unreels a mental movie of loosened ties, trampled blue suit
coats and high pitched screams as the battle for prime position
on the monkey bars intensifies. Olympia Snowe kicking dirt on
little Barbara Boxer's shoes. Dick Armey and Newt Gingrich playing
King of the Hill on a mound of bright white pudgy cowering underclassmen.
Susan Molinari pushing Bill Paxon's swing so hard he slams into
the center post, while she distracted, wanders off. With the days
disappearing faster than free beer at a frat party after a homecoming
win over Nebraska, it's time to hand in the 105th Congress' First
Term Report Card. Geography/ C minus / Grade skewed by the large
number of Representatives who mistook China for a subdivision
in their own district. History/ F/ Destined to repeat it. The
Republicans totally ignored lessons concerning political suicide
supposedly learned during the government shutdown by adding enough
pork to the flood relief bill to infect the entire state of Iowa
with trichinosis. Mathematics/ Incomplete/ Curious theories. Further
review by Professor Greenspan expected. Social Studies/ D/ Heavy
on the social. Light on the studies. Physics/ C/ Seems unable
to grasp simple concepts like all actions having equal and opposite
Will Durst is definitely a Geno's man.
PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA, WHERE YOU CAN'T BET ON THE EAGLES
EVEN WHEN THEY HAVE IT ALL WRAPPED UP IN A SHINY PACKAGE WITH
A PRETTY RIBBON ON TOP. THEY DID BEAT THE SPREAD THOUGH.
Dear boys and girls of the 105th Congress: welcome back! I've
been gone just like you, although I prefer to call it vacation,
not recess. So I'm only now getting around to issuing your first-term
report card. And I bet you thought you were going to slide wiee!
Semantics/ B plus / Newt Gingrich's attempt to refer to his
$300,000 ethics fine as a "reimbursement" was particularly
impressive added to his later effort to call an attempted mutiny,
a group hug.
Spanish/ Memo to Jesse Helms: the Spanish word for stubborn
is "necio". Incomplete.
Physical Education/ C/ Demonstrates dexterity at contact sports
such as dodge ball, but could move easier with less excess baggage.
Pork free diet might help.
Art Appreciation/ House: F Senate: C
Creative Writing/ A plus/ Excels as usual. Superlatives inadequate.
Film Appreciation/ D minus/ Representative Tom Coburn doomed
collective grade referring to "Schindler's List" as
pornographic. A private Paulie Shore marathon screening will be
set up by the A-V department so Mr. Coburn can understand the
true meaning of pornography.
Theater/ B minus/ Mediocre productions of crummy scripts. Performances
over the top. Nice makeup.
Home Economics/ D/ The Democrats okayed a tax cut providing
wage earners with all the nutrition of an eight pound bag of chocolate
covered cream filled gummi bears.
Will Durst is not happy about either the Eagles or the Giants.
four damn days worth
and don't think they weren't hard ones,
SAN FRANCISCO, WHICH WAS JUST NAMED THE FASTEST PACED CITY
IN CALIFORNIA EXCEPT BAKERSFIELD, MEANING THE REST OF THE STATE
IS IN SUCH DEEP LETHARGIC TORPOR, WE SHOULD RENAME OURSELVES SOUTH
You got to feel bad for the modern scientist desperately trying
to compete for press in a world tackier than a leopard skin lab
coat with rubber frogs feet as buttons. The Journal of Neurology,
Neurosurgery and Psychiatry has identified a condition it calls
recurrent coital amnesia where sudden and dramatic memory loss
occurs after sexual intercourse including the identity of the
partner. Which might explain why Congress ignores us like a deflated
Montana beach ball in December after gaining office. No, really,
go with me on this. The London based medical journal recounts
the story of a man who frequently suffered bouts of amnesia after
sex, who would have no memory of intercourse and only the haziest
recollection of foreplay. Think election and campaigning here.
He was aware he was having mental difficulties and repeatedly
asked questions such as "What are we doing? and What year
is it?" Does that or does that not sound like Congress? Dick
Gephardt and/ or Strom Thurmond in particular. You throw in a
"Is Fire Good?" and you can include Alfonse D'Amato.
The man apparently underwent cardiovascular and neurological tests
and appeared entirely normal, although he did show unusual brain
wave patterns. I'm telling you, it's Congress to the second "S".
Appeared normal? Unusual brain waves? No, you're right. The existence
of brain waves throws the analogy entirely out of whack. My mistake.
Go back to your lives.
Will Durst apologizes for wasting your time. On a daily basis.
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE BACKBITING THAT GOES ON BETWEEN
THE STATE WORKERS IS SO RAMPANT, THE STATE BIRD SHOULD BE MARV
It's not bad enough their new operating system, OS 8, makes
an Apple desktop look like a weenie Windows 95 but now the dreaded
enemy has been invited into bed wearing the same bloody boots
he stomped them with. Bill Gates has announced Microsoft is buying
$150 million worth of Apple stock and setting up a division to
work with the MacIntosh. Redmond and Cupertino? Microsoft and
Apple? You got to be kidding. Working together? Tearing at each
other's eyes with taloned claws dipped in ripened toxic waste
sludge is more like it. A joint company barbecue picnic between
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals and the Hog Butchers
Council is likelier. The Dallas Cowboys and San Francisco Forty
Niners linking hands and singing "Karma Chameleon" during
an intermission of Riverdance makes more sense. Apple and Microsoft,
what's next: Tom Brokaw and Peter Jennings teaming up for the
Olympic synchronized swimming pairs event? The people I feel sorriest
for are the legions of Apple apostles who are slightly more rabid
than English Soccer fans on a three day drunk after a World Cup
Quarterfinal Soccer loss to Ireland. Obviously, Anti Trust legislation
in this country has gone the way of the Stutz Bearcat hood ornament.
And now so has any sort of distinction between the world's two
competing operating systems. Anyone interested in slightly frayed
apostle robes suitable for use as small engine cleaning rags should
The Will Durst family owns about four Apples and much whining
is going on.
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE I HESITATE TO POINT OUT THE OBVIOUS
TO THE GOOD PEOPLE OF THE 916 AREA CODE, BUT WHEN THE SUMMER TEMPERATURES
GET UP TO 110, THEY ARE... FREE TO LEAVE.
YOU CAN'T MAKE STUFF UP LIKE THIS.
* Since J. Edgar Hoover created the FBI's Most Wanted List,
the 449 fugitives on the list have been captured. The others
have either died or are thought to have become local Republican
* A lot of NFL rookies are trying to adjust to receiving huge
checks for playing ball. In college, they were used to cash.
* Sylvester Stallone has agreed to star in Rambo IV, but he
wants to see the script first. Right, Mr. "Stop Or My Mom
Will Shoot" is worried about scripts.
* Art curators believe 100 Van Goghs sold over the years have
been fakes. One way to tell; if the "I" in "Vincent"
is dotted with a heart.
* Danish researchers have concluded that men have 4 billion
more brain cells than women. I wonder how many of the researchers
were married men.
* Barry Manilow settled out of court with a man who claims
his hearing was damaged at a concert. If he attended the concert
on his own volition how good could his hearing have been in the
* It seems the Yankees new pitcher, Hideki Irabu is having
communications problems with his teammates so he's taking Spanish
Will Durst is really looking forward to going home to his blessed
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE TOURISTS ARE CONFUSED
BECAUSE ITS AUGUST AND THEY CAN SEE THEIR OWN BREATH. SMALL POCKETS
ARE PROTESTING ON FISHERMAN'S WHARF, BURNING COPIES OF "FODOR'S
GUIDE TO NORTHERN CALIFORNIA".
Maybe the rat tail dandelion fuzz of summer is the perfect
time to stop bashing the tiny impotent weasel politicians and
strike at where the real heart of American evil lies. Martha Stewart.
The malignant knot on the arts and crafts knob. More imbalanced
than a big rig with load of bowling balls taking a hairpin turn
with the brake lines cut. A woman whose compass, points due daft.
"How to hacksaw walnuts into attractive napkin rings".
Give me a break. "Knit a festive holiday necklace out of
roasted poppy berries and mold encrusted truffles found under
rare Mediterranean rock formations.". We got families out
there who have to patch together three or four jobs just to put
food on their families' plates, and the last thing they need to
see is some socialite twit make them feel guilty because they
don't have eighty hours to carve a two fifths scale model replica
cream cheese likeness of Mr. Rushmore in honor of President's
Day. "You're not a real mom unless you build your kids an
electric eye door opener for their tree house entrance out of
an ordinary clock radio, some rubber bands and Spam." For
real summer fun, try taping this banana bread brained woman and
auditioning her to the Soviets. That should destroy their civilization
for once and for all.
Will Durst likes the idea of homemade lemonade popsicles but
don't ask him what to do with the leftover sticks.
a middlin kind of a week's worth,size wise, not quality
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE A CITY SUPERVISOR HAS PROPOSED
SLUMLORDS BE FORCED TO SLEEP IN THEIR OWN TENEMENTS. WATCH SOME
CLEVER DEVELOPER TURN IT INTO A RIDE. "JUNKIELAND".
The UPS strike looks like it could turn uglier than a sackfull
of pit bulls at a pillow fight in a day care center during Baby
Brother Week. Management made $1.1 billion in profit last year,
or four bucks for every man, woman and child in America and a
large reason why, is 60% of UPS' employees are part timers who
envy Vietnamese Nike factory workers their lush perks. Back in
1982 when the union agreed to a two tiered pay scale, part timers
received $9 an hour, while full timers got $13. Today, fifteen
years later, the part timers are still getting the same amount
while full timers are getting twenty bucks an hour. The last offer
to the union which UPS termed "superb" consisted of
a 1.5% yearly raise for full-timers and no raise in the starting
wage for part timers. To call this offer "superb" is
an absurdist joke of the sort to set Ionesco into a sniggering
fit of the giggles. These are the same people who call a swift
kick to the head "refreshing." This, the first major
strike in this country in 25 years may wipe a clean spot on the
labor window so Americans can see the bull market stampede is
being run down roads paved on the backs of its workers.
Wow. Will Durst almost got serious there.
PALO ALTO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE NEW 650 AREA CODE IS BREAKING
DOWN AND GIVING EVERYBODY WHO CALLS A BUSY SIGNAL. OF COURSE WITH
CHELSEA COMING TO STANFORD, IT'S GOT TO BE THE SECRET SERVICE
CHECKING FOR BUGS. AND INSTALLING THEM WHERE THEY DON'T EXIST.
A newly compiled list of America's most hazardous places leads
off with "almost anyplace in California", because in
the last couple of years, we've had; fires, floods, mudslides,
and earthquakes and face the risk of volcanoes, tsunamis, smog,
freeway snipers, oil spills and future water shortages, not to
mention aging burpable plastic food containers. Soon we'll be
compelled to change our name from California to Satan's Drive
By, or West Kansas. Other risky places include states touching
the Pacific, Mississippi River flood plains and anyone within
sight of nuclear power plant cooling towers or married to Anna
Nicole Smith. The author obviously missed a couple of places so
it's only fair for me to help this poor guy out.
AMERICA'S MOST FORGOTTEN HAZARDOUS PLACES WASHINGTON D.C.
Reason: Toxic fumes, poisonous gases and asphyxiating rhetoric.
WALL STREET SIDEWALKS.
Reason: High crime rates and the imminent possibility of falling
THE KENNEDY COMPOUND.
Reason: Surprise annulments, watery drives, stray bullets,
and nude photography.
ANYWHERE WITHIN A THREE FOOT RADIUS OF ANNA NICOLE SMITH.
Reason: Mammary suffocation, premature death, hardening of
the arteries and in-law injunctions.
A DINNER TABLE WITH JESSICA FLETCHER OR CABOT COVE, MAINE.
Reason: stabbings, poisonings, bludgeonings, gunshot wounds,
and very bad writing.
Near Will Durst's libido. Reason: total vacuum.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE SUMMER IS FRITTERING AWAY
WITH THE TOURISTS SCRAMBLING TO GET THE BEST PRICES ON GENUINE
CABLE CAR CHINA PLATES. WHICH ARE MADE IN TAIWAN.
Standing beneath a replica of the Declaration of Independence,
the president announced the first lady, Hillary Rodham Clinton
will head the White House Millennium Project, and they're looking
for splashy ideas for the celebration starting New Year's Eve,
1999. Hope she does better as the chair of this project than she
did with that whole Health Care Task Force, when she somehow managed
to get the whole country convinced that health was a dirty rotten
bad thing and we'd all be better Americans without it. One problem
is, the next millennium doesn't really start until 12:01 a.m.,
2001. See we never had a year 0, and as a matter of fact because
some Pope was having a bad couple of weeks, we skipped 11 days
in 1752 going straight from September 2 to the 14th, making the
real millennium, January 12, 2001. AND, then you figure the birth
of Christ as the usual starting date of the Gregorian calendar,
which supposes he was born December 25, 1BC, making the true date
of the thousand year celebration January 5, 2001, but some modern
scholars place His birth three years earlier at 4BC, indicating
the party should start January 5, 1998, and we're extremely close
to missing the whole damn thing. Of course, since it's in the
hands of a government committee now, I imagine they'll reach a
compromise and have the celebration sometime around noon on April
13, 2003. Perhaps an April Fool's Day would be appropriate.
Will Durst is the official fool of the Millennium.
a bunch of stuff
which makes up something like a weeek's
ANTIOCH, CALIFORNIA, WHERE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOODS WILL HAVE THEIR
STREET LIGHTS SHUT OFF IN RETALIATION FOR VOTING AGAINST A CITY
WIDE ASSESSMENT. NEXT THING YOU KNOW, LIBRARIES WILL CUT OFF BORROWING
PRIVELEGES FOR VOTING REPUBLICAN. HMMMM.
In what was obviously a monumental mistake, Congressional Republicans
and the Clinton Administration agreed yesterday. That's the big
news. That the accord determined how to balance the budget for
the first time in nearly three decades and okayed the first major
tax cuts since 1981 is rather incidental. Outside the fact that
it's one of the signs of the Apocalypse, this blessed harmony
means a lot of things. It should go without saying that we should
be afraid. Be very afraid. The biggest beneficiaries are of course...
the accountants. New tax laws normally are signalled in CPA households
by travel arrangements made in exotic lands where even the orange
juice is served with little umbrellas.
Some of the compromises made on the budget included:
* Credits for children. The new accomodation replaces the proposed
covenant requiring kids to give Congress one third of all their
Sour Gummi Bears.
* Children's health. After intense negotiation0ublicans reluctantly
agreed that children should have health.
* Capital Gains. This mostly helps the large segment of America
who hangs out with Thurston P. Howell III.
* Tobacco Taxes. 10 cents a pack. Big deal. Mostly passed to
annoy Jesse Helms.
* Inheritance Taxes. People will still be punished for dying
but not as much as before.
Will Durst will not die until he punishes.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHICH FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON CELEBRATED
A CITY WIDE "MR. ED DAY". RADIO DISK JOCKEYS LOVED IT,
AS DID ALAN YOUNG, BUT TRUST ME, THE REST OF US WERE CONFUSED.
Hey guys, it's August. Whoooo! The Gateway to Labor Day. August
is a great. Its the Canada of months. Broken chaise lounges, faded
beach balls, and overipe fruit salads. Nobody does anything in
August. It's easier to wipe snot off of suede with a plastic barbecue
fork than get anything done in August. If you're not in the Hamptons,
you're in Minnesota, and to be perfectly honest, both of them
have the same summer voltage, although the difference in humidity
may be appreciable. What happens? Dads threaten to whack kids
in the back seats of overheated station wagons in August. Heating
and air conditioning contractors unplug their anwering machines
in August. Kids make a furious rush to fill an entire summer's
worth of fun into one month so they won't feel like they wasted
the entire summer, which they know they did. And parents and teachers
count each and every day like the release date of a ten year sentence,
but in different ways. August is the "Time Out" of months,
where a sabbatical is considered an old fashioned committment
to an out of date work ethic. But the best news of all; Congress
takes a month long recess in August. So, at least we're almost
Will Durst is the August of comedians.
CONCORD, CALIFORNIA, WHERE AFRICANIZED BEES HAVE BEEN SIGHTED
ON THE LOOSE. THESE SUPPOSEDLY ARE THE REAL DANGEROUS ONES WHO
DON'T PASTUERIZE THEIR HONEY AND SELL IT UNLICENSED DISTRIBUTORS.
Mister Clinton has given some great speeches during the year,
but I've written one for him to use in case of extreme duress
where he can finally hand down the true message of his Administration.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to say to you, that I
like kids. And people who eat kids are wrong. Just plain wrong.
They're mistaken is all. And it's not just kids. It's everybody.
Cannibalism is not right. I don't mean to make judgements, but
that's just me. It's not a 'position' or a 'politically motivated
strategy'. That's the truth, and you folks in the press can crucify
me all you want, but hey, people shouldn't eat people. That's
just how I feel. I've been doing some research, and you know what
else is bad? Cancer. It is. I have reams of graphs I could show
you. Emphysema... no day in the park from what I've been led to
believe. And planting cluster grenades in the steam tables of
orphange cafeterias... I'm against it. As a matter of fact, I'm
opposed to all orphanage explosions be they man made or misguided
acts of God. And you know what: I'm going to go out on a limb
here, but... Hitler sucked. What, am I alone here? Who's with
Will Durst is with Clinton, Hitler did suck.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE YOU CAN RUIN A PERFECTLY GOOD
CLUTCH JUST BY TRYING TO BACK INTO YOUR OWN GARAGE. AND IF YOU
LIVE ON A HILL, IT'S EVEN WORSE.
In my life, I've held over a hundred jobs. Never been any good
at one, but I've always managed to get another. I guess you could
say I got a real knack for job interviews.
"Well, yes sir, I've always admired EncepahalipCo's way
of doing business sir, and it's been a dream of mine sir to someday
become an EncepahlipCo stooge, I mean drone... what I mean to
say sir is, pat me on the back and call me Charlie, I'm an EncephalipCo
man: that's right, I mean, not a man... no, no sex really. Not
like a man, nor disimilar to one. Not different or the same, but
both. With an alarmingly tight ratio of allowable gender dominance,
but baseball and Pamela Anderson Lee are exempt. Well, thank God,
I mean, really. Furthermore, I promise to cut my hair and wear
such clothes to inspire all my friends to laughter. And I WILL
leave all my antiquated ethics at the door and follow the great
God Ambition to the promised land of quarterly dividends, which
includes unlimited potential although I understand this is a part
time position without benefits or the stability of a cigarette
ash in the slip stream of a 747. And not only will I be the ultimate
EncephalipCo Man, but I will like it. Or pretend to really impressively,
Will Durst has done all this before.
four whole sticky days worth
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA, AND I'D LOVE TO DO A JOKE ABOUT THE TUSKS
BEING FIRMER THAN I EXPECTED BUT THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE A ZOO. ALTHOUGH
THE MOTEL I'M STAYING AT SHOULD QUALIFY.
They're porking it up in the media vacuum that is July in Washington,
furiously adding amendments to bills like teenagers dumping six
packs into grocery carts at unattended convenience stores after
hours. They're also up to so much other no good I expect C-SPAN
close up stills to show hell born leeches dripping out of their
jacket pockets. We have come to trust our elected officials to
exhibit greed and petty underhandedness, after all they're paid
to represent us, but every once in a while they manage to do something
so incredibly shallow and self serving, it takes your breath away.
Grab a quick mouthful of oxygen and check this out. Last week
the House cut $174,000 from the budget of the National Science
Foundation, as a punishment for underwriting a study why civic
leaders choose not to run for Congress. In response, Representative
William Clay, D-Missouri, said "if there is one thing we
do not need in this country it is more people to run for Congress."
Especially in Missouri, I assume. He went on to say the study
"is an affront to every member of this Congress because these
two professors start with the premise that we are not getting
the best qualified people to serve in Congress." Those cads.
Who in their right mind would ever consider that? And what better
way to prove your quality than limply slapping a wrist that dared
criticize you? Makes you think of a petulant child grabbing the
ball and going home, although I would have to hazard a guess that
this situation has to do with an excess of petulant children and
an extreme lack of balls.
Will Durst loves Congress for their pride and dignity.
MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN, WHERE THE COLLEGE ENTRANCE SCORES WERE
BASED ON AN COMPLICATED EQUATION THAT BALANCED BOTH YOUR SAT'S
AND YOUR BOWLING AVERAGE.
Regular readers know the Durst does not normally bore others
with personal exploits, which it must be said run towards the
breathtaking, but that's based on past behavior not including
taking an elevator 2400 feet down into the deepest vertical shaft
coal mine in North America, being something I did today. Way cool.
Makes Disney's Indiana Jones Ride feel like an hour long stall
on a freeway entrance ramp in an overcrowded pre school bus. Eschewing
the typical accompaniment of the cliched canary, I went down into
JWR's Mine No. 5 with a goldfish named Mike in Tuscaloosa, Alabama
in order to tape a lunch break with coal miners for a new PBS
show called Livelyhood. It's an odd little show narrowcasted at
those few Americans who work for a living or know someone who
does. During the federally mandated training session, it came
up that there are certain cautions one must observe in a coal
mine including spontaneous combustion. To which I queried how
one takes preventative measures for that: refuse to shuffle down
carpeted hallways in woolen slippers? The correct answer was,
"avoid all areas that smell like methane gas." Isn't
it amazing how often specialized advice can be utilized in the
more general aspects of life. Glad to say, great footage was gotten,
and Mike appears none the worse for his travails, although we
may have to wait to see if he develops black gill disease.
Will Durst will host "Livelyhood" to be seen on PBS
starting in November.
MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN, WHERE WE DON'T ASK WHETHER YOU WANT A
BEER WITH YOUR DINNER, WE JUST PLUNK DOWN A SIXER AND FEED THE
BACKWASH, OR SCRAPS, TO THE DOG.
North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms is holding up William Weld's
nomination as Ambassador to Mexico because he's shown reluctance
to share the Senator's belief that anyone caught with a joint
should be publicly beheaded. The game of politics is one of the
inherent problems you have with a political appointment. Another
can be witnessed in Iraq where Saddam Hussein's eldest son, Odai,
in an example of nepotism gone horribly awry, was appointed head
of the Iraqi soccer federation. Apparently, Odai is feeling "a
little less than" since that minor assassination attempt
last December. Unable to walk and reportedly sexually impotent,
but isn't that the first thing people will say, Strongman Junior
was a bit miffed with the Iraqi soccer team when they were eliminated
from the World Cup Soccer Tournament by Kazakstan and had them
beaten with canes then shaved off all their hair and mustaches.
Of course, it's not hard to understand his melancholy. Kazakstan,
for crum's sake! In the future this could have the unforeseen
side effect of making the job of Iraqi national soccer team recruiter
about as attractive as that of a ValuJet public relations vice
president or a Palestinian real estate agent. I would encourage
Odai to defect to the States where he can get worka as Mike Tyson's
Will Durst would like to stick Odai Hussein in a room with
Jesse Helms for a weekend and watch the sparks fly.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE 7,000 BICYCLISTS DISRUPTED
RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC LAST WEEK, INCITING A MINI RIOT DOWNTOWN. NEXT
MONTH A CADRE OF PEDESTRIANS HAVE VOWED TO WALK REALLY SLOW THROUGH
Los Angeles, which is to fresh water what the South American
brown banana tarantula is to Quilting Bees, has been ordered by
The Great Basin Unified Air Quality Pollution Control District
to return the water they stole from Owens Lake, and some extra
bureaucratic words in order to win the Longest Official Name Meaning
Practically Nothing in the country award. Surprisingly, the L.A.
Department of Water and Power disagrees with the proposal calling
it seriously flawed, although they've hinted they might be willing
to give up either the preposition "of" or the conjunction
"and", but they're definitely hanging onto both "Water"
and "Power". Great Basin estimates the cost of returning
9% of LA's water in order to flood the lakebed and keep if from
sloughing off silt particles the consistency of ground glass to
be about $91 million but the City of the Angels says it'll cost
umpteen bazilliondy dollars and is rumored to have prepared what
they consider to be a generous offer of a couple of five gallon
bottles of Crystal Geyser every month, along with all the liposuction
fat extracted by licensed plastic surgeons within the city limits.
Owens Lake is expected to hold out for a personal appearance by
the original Batmobile piloted by the only real and true Catwoman:
Will Durst always prefered her to Julie Newmar.
the first whole week's worth of the second half of the seventh
year of the last decade of the 20th century
LAS VEGAS, NEVADA, WHERE A COOL BREEZE KEPT TEMPERATURE DOWN
TO 107 DEGREES TODAY. BUT, AS THEY WON'T LET YOU FORGET, IT'S
A DRY HEAT. YEAH, SO'S AN OVEN. SUCH A RELIEF, CUZ MY BIGGEST
FEAR IS LEAVING A DAMP SKELETON.
The Mars Pathfinder landed on the red planet a couple of days
ago and returned images indicating most of it's a rusting flood
plain. It seems the planet named after the Roman god for war isn't
much more than a huge Missouri River Valley without atmosphere.
Think- Omaha without all the 7-11's. A geologist said monstrous
floods a thousand times greater than anything that ever occurred
on Earth, and that does include Newt Gingrich's saliva glands,
covered the planet wiping out everything, which would be inclusive
of all the really good golf courses. He guessed this happened
between a billion and three billion years ago. Nice margin of
error there. Hell, they had given me that, I could have passed
algebra. I don't know how much you can trust a scientist with
a convenient fault glitch approaching plus or minus 200% but he
also said this flood could have lasted for hundreds of years.
You know what; after that long, I don't think you get to call
it a flood anymore. I think anything after sixty years, it's referred
to as a lake. They haven't found any form of life on the surface-
probably all the really important people (or plants or minerals-
musn't be classist now), went down to Roswell for the big 50th
anniversary party. Or maybe since the temperature on Mars was
76 degrees below Fahreheit, everybody who was anybody went to
their summer homes on Urnanus to escape the heat.
Will Durst thinks just using the word Uranus is funny.
LAS VEGAS, NEVADA, THE ONLY TOWN IN THE WORLD WHERE YOUR DEGREE
OF CULTURE IS MEASURED BY HOW JANGLY AND SPARKLY THE PASTIES ON
SHOWGIRLS' TITS ARE.
The Senate Government Affairs Hearing on Chinese influence
peddling also known as the Fred Thompson Presidential Jump Starting
Circus, started yesterday, and guess where the major target is?
Acting very Presidential in Madrid at the NATO meeting where his
extreme Presidentialness will hopefully be noticed and viewed
as... well, Presidential. The 16 current members of NATO invited
3 more countries to join their little militia group but denied
two others probably because they don't have enough room on the
letterhead and besides the initiation hazing is going to take
up a lot of time. Since the three countries who joined: the Czech
Republic, Hungary and Poland all used to be reluctant satellites
of the Soviet Union, Russia is less happy than Mike Tyson's accountant's
travel agent. The Mother Country must feel like its kids just
decided to go live with their father, and she knows they're going
to talk. Yeltsin did sign a partnership deal with NATO in May,
which when you think of it, is pretty silly since Russia is THE
reason NATO was formed in 1949. This agreement is about as binding
as an old scraggly bear making a pact with a stream full of salmon.
Works as long as you manage to keep him from getting too hungry.
Will Durst may not be an old scraggly bear, but he is hungry.
LAS VEGAS, NEVADA, WHERE THEY HAVE MORE ELVIS IMPERSONATORS
THAN LIBRARIANS. AS A MATTER OF FACT, SOME OF THE LIBRARIANS ARE
You got to love Clinton. "Slick Willie" isn't appropriate
enough. Like calling a block long sidewalk covered with a three
inch thickness of rotting slug carcasses- sleek. If Reagan was
the Teflon President, Clinton is the New Improved "Teflon
2: Now With Added Space Age Polymer!" Speaking from a decidedly
safe and distant Madrid he said in reference to the hearings on
Chinese influence peddling, "If any country sought to influence
policy through illegal means, including illegal campaign contributions
to the people running for president or people in the Congress,
it would be wrong and a matter of serious concern." Get it?
He's anti evil. And pro virtue. This man is a paragon of rightness.
I must say I'm surprised with his busy busy schedule he even had
time to reflect on the hearings. At least according to press secretary
Mike McCurry who alledgedly spent "maybe 10 seconds"
briefing Clinton on what happened on opening day. But still, he's
concerned, dammit, and when it comes to illegality, this man comes
down firmly on a side that's decidedly against it. No matter that
the proceedings were instigated by the actions of his very own
re election staff. By God, he's mad as hell and he's not going
to take it any more! Funny how I think we still will.
Will Durst doesn't have a space age polymer.
LAS VEGAS, NEVADA, WHERE SEIGFREID AND ROY RAISED THE PRICE
TO THEIR SHOW UP TO NINETY BUCKS A TICKET. WHICH I GUESS REFLECTS
THE RECENT RAISE IN THE PRICE OF WHITE TIGER CUB CHOW BY PURINA.
The House of Representatives elected to kill the National Endowment
to The Arts by a 217- 216 margin this week. Now the Senate is
expected to kick in with a semblance of rationality and restore
funding, but these liquid chicken squeezebags should be taken
out and horsewhipped with shredded videotape from a "Married-
With Children" episode for eliminating the NEA's budget or
what amounts to one tenth of a B-2 bomber. Not even a whole wing
for crum's sake. These lizardsticks are ostensibly upset because
some art got funded which they didn't like. Yeah, well, you know
I think I could find some folks who were a mite disconcerted by
the government building the neutron bomb which destroys people
but not buildings. Probably with assistance from the National
Realty Board. Since artists are paying the price for being the
bad guys, I think they should show these poisonous puff toads
just how bad they can be, and target the cheap shot ringleaders
with the most outrageous slings and arrows they have in their
quivers. Especially little weasel woman Susan Molinari who represents
New York City, and is quitting her job in Congress to be a news
reader on a CBS morning show (Saturday for crum's sake), and still
managed to vote to kill the agency. Not anything overt. Something
simple and elegant like whenever she interviews an artist, they
will be perfectly polite, and call her... "Toad". "Excellent
question, Toad..." Maybe even her colleagues could get into
the act, "And that's the weather, back to you Toad."
Not a lot of change, but a modicum of satisfaction.
Will Durst would find it easy to call Susan Molinari, "Toad".
DEATH VALLEY, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE TEMPERATURE GETS TO 123
IN THE SHADE. AND ITS BELOW SEA LEVEL. AS CLOSE TO HELL AS YOU
CAN GET IN NORTH AMERICA OUTSIDE OF THE 202 AREA CODE.
Bill Clinton, and his shadow organization, "Bill Clinton
Inc." are all upset about the movie "Contact" because
the director, Robert Zemeckis, used his image without authorization.
When you see the movie, you realize why Big Bubba's so upset.
In tense situations, to great fanfare, the Chief Executive is
shown saying nothing. Repeatedly. Very impressively. Proper gravity:
with equal amounts reverence and resolve. Imparting import. Oh
sure, he's a mite tentative, but in situations this chaotic, wouldn't
you be? What he demonstrates cinematically, frozen in time, soon
to be seen in as popular a broadcast rotation as a cross between
"Close Encounters Of The Third Kind", and "The
Ten Commandments", is a determined but still humanly curious
command of the moment, whatever you might interpret it to be,
and isn't that really why he's President? In the movie, he's responding
to contact with an alien intelligence, and they manage to convince
you with excerpts from generic footage of him captured signing
documents on a par with declaring July: "National Hot Dog
Awareness Month." Everybody comes out of the film saying,
"Nice script. Special effects were great. Foster's terrific
as usual. And Clinton could have been talking about anything!"
Clinton's response: fretting, thoughtful: if not dampened by a
self deprecating sense of brutally honest Presidential awareness,
regretful. Not for himself, but what it harken for ordinary Americans.
Concerned, yet hopeful.
Will Durst never thought of it before, but he bets before you
can drive home the obvious fact the Emperor has no clothes, you
first have to convince them his clothes are extremely translucent.
four days worth and that's all your getting
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE BOTH PAPERS TRUMPETED THE
FACT THAT GIANNI VERSACE'S SUSPECTED KILLER HAD LOCAL ROOTS. CAN'T
TELL IF IT WAS A CIVIC WARNING OR MISPLACED PRIDE.
In an announcement with a staggering potential about on a par
with Newt Gingrich declaring he's the new spokesperson for Slimfast,
Whitewater independent counsel Kenneth Starr has formally ruled
Vince Foster's death a suicide. Oh no. This can't be. Next thing
you know he'll be telling us the demise of the Titanic was due
to ramming into an accumulated hunk of frozen water. Maybe he'll
reveal to the world the stunning detail that Dennis Rodman is
an odd young man. Or that cilantro can be a tasty addition to
guacamole. Starr confirmed the finding of approximately three
gazillion earlier probes saying "this office concluded that
Mr. Foster committed suicide by gunshot in Fort Marcy Park, Va.,
on July 20, 1993." This guy obviously has his eye on a future
as replacement host of "Unsolved Mysteries" ahead of
him. After Pepperdine that is. Or maybe Clinton could issue an
executive order keeping him on as a kind of Detective-At-Large
probing the deep riddles of life such as...
* What exactly is Paulie Shore's appeal?
* Which one of Peter Falk's eyes is fake?
* Do tobacco executives really use stagnant electromagnetic
sewer mud for brains?
* What strange urges possess cable tv viewers to buy spray
* Why don't people who live in North Dakota travel south for
* What ever happened to the good ol days?
* Shouldn't membership in white supremacist movements be restricted
to those who can either pronounce or spell supremacist?
Will Durst can't spell suepremicizt.
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA, WHERE A LOT OF THE LOCALS ACTUALLY
LIKE THE SMOG BECAUSE IT KEEPS THEM FROM SEEING HOW FAR DOWN THE
FREEWAY IS HOPELESSLY CLOGGED.
The stock market hit 8000 the other day and shares of Microsoft
led the rally with a gain of $9.97 to close at $148.44, pushing
the Redmond, Washington based software giant ahead of Coca-Cola
to become the second most valuable company in the nation behind
General Electric. Bill Gates, also affectionately known as Chairman
Bill, Mr. Vaporware and the Gnome Without a Comb, owns 23.7% of
Microsoft, thus pocketing a cool $2.8 billion for one day's non
work. I've heard of making a killing in the stock market, but
this would have to qualify as genocide. Forbes Magazine, which
is to rich folks what Vanity Fair is to NPR listeners, and Satellite
Week is to trailer courts, recently estimated Gates' wealth at
around $38 billion tying him with the Sultan of Brunei for Biggest
Swinging Dick in The World, but this 7% one day jump puts the
Seattle Salamander firmly in first. To get an idea of how much
$2.8 billion is, I've compiled a list of things you or I could
do with it.
* Park in a downtown garage all day.
* Order lobster and leave a tip without ever asking what "market
* Buy a car without spending eight hours talking to various
* Book a same day cross country coach seat and pay for it right
at the ticket counter.
* Take a weeklong vacation for four to Disneyland with passes
to the Park for 3 WHOLE DAYS. Food and SpectraVision not included.
* Complete insurance coverage on both cars including full liability
* Buy new pair of shoes without even trying them on.
* Make long distance phone calls during the middle of the day.
Will Durst dreams of making long distance phone calls during
the midde of the day.
NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA, WHERE WE DON'T CALL THE INEBRIATED,
DRUNKS, BUT RATHER POOR UNFORTUNATES WITH A LOW BLOOD ALCOHOL
THRESHOLD. THE PARTY CHALLENGED.
No matter how you look at it, the market news is good. Stumbling
onto a bad financial indicator these days is like trying to find
a Canadian Dime in a dump truck load of quarters. Yeah, sure,
there might be one in there, but who cares? The Dow breaks 8000,
NASDAQ 1500, both for the first time, the producer price index
fell for the sixth straight month in a row. There's even talk
a few of the technology stocks didn't sandbag their second quarter
earnings reports. Hey, Apple stock is up! Although most corporations
don't have to sack their CEO to get similar results. About the
only people not dancing these days are Those Darn Bears with all
their liquidity stuck in T bills and Money Market Funds. They
must feel like 3 cylinder Yugos with busted U joints clogging
up the passing lane of the Indy 500. But Bears are people too,
so I've come up with a list of things they can mumble at cocktail
parties to convince themselves and those around them they're actually
better off grazing far away from the monumental bull stampede.
* Eight thousand, schmeight thousand, I'm getting a guaranteed
6 and a half per cent and I'm glad to have it.
* I hear that orange paper they print the Financial Times on
is highly carcinogenic.
* So maybe Issac Newton was wrong.
* How's that heart of yours holding up?
* Well at least I'm not into gold.
* Hey, what's that smell? You think it could be... DOOM?
* Yeah, but are you happy?
* Does the phrase Black Monday have any meaning to you?
* Yeah, but do you think Bill Gates is happy?
* When did artificial intelligence stop being a program and
start being a way of life?
And last but not least
* I've got two words for you mister: Alan Greenspan.
Will Durst is not into gold either.
NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA, WHERE WALKING AROUND IN THE 95 DEGREE
HEAT AUGMENTED WITH 98% HUMIDITY IS LIKE SWIMMING IN GREASY SARAN
WRAP WITHOUT THE INVIGORATING REFRESHMENT.
All through our lives, we've been bombarded with antique aphorisms
appropo to an earlier simpler age. "There's more than one
way to skin a cat." Whose twisted lifestyle could this perverted
adage have offered counseling? "Could you list them all sir?"
"Well, there's lengthwise, of course, your classic without
the tail, and for the arty a nice spiral like an apple skin."
In this muddled age, where right and wrong is harder to distinguish
than a pager's beep at a convention of Hollywood agents held in
the belly of an oil tanker, what we need is a more modern set
of hokey sayings to get us through these murky times.
* One encryption device linked to your hard drive is worth
two shredding machines in the office.
* Virtual ducks line up in a row when your imaginary bread
crumbs are straight.
* Money is a tool best used for loosening Phillips head screws.
* People who work in the technology field shouldn't wear shorts.
* When your mutual fund stumbles, it dives headlong into a
steel abutment at light speed.
* Never count your social security check before it arrives.
* Don't expect to see perfect beauty looking through an imperfect
mirror. Or in JC Penney jeans.
* You can't use your cell phone and conserve your batteries
* Never look for the warranty card in your free software box.
Will Durst is here to help.
the first week's worth of the second half of 97
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE MAYORS' CONFERENCE ENDED
UP WITH A MASQUERADE BALL. POLITICIANS IN MASQUERADE. WONDER IF
WHEN THEY GO TO BED AT NIGHT, DO THEY FORGET AND TAKE OFF MORE
In an historic conference, Vietnam and the United States held
what might be described as a reunion with lousy music to decide
what went wrong back about thirty years ago and ignored the obvious
conclusion... the tie dyed elephant bell bottoms. Paisley. What
about the paisley? Not much has changed. We still blame them for
prolonging the hostilities; they insist Washington, not Hanoi
missed opportunities to end the war, and everybody pretty much
agrees Sly and the Family Stone weren't a big help. It was also
conceded that Jane Fonda looks great for her age. By the time
the incursion ended, 58,000 US GI's and 3.6 million Vietcong lost
their lives, a ratio of 1 to 70, or about the same kind of odds
Hillary Clinton has of staying out of jail. Robert McNamara, who
has been recanting like a Catholic schoolgirl after skinny dipping
with an opposing football team says we misjudged the degree to
which Hanoi had been willing to sacrifice human lives to achieve
independence. Really Bob. What is this WE crap? Doesn't matter
much now. Vietnam won the war and with it the right to open Nike
plants where workers make upwards of twenty cents an hour. Methinks
the powers that control our government would like to put themselves
in a position to lose many more wars like this.
Will Durst wants to achieve independence as well and is in
accordance with that whole Jane Fonda thing.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE YOU CAN'T WALK FOUR STEPS
WITHOUT RUNNING INTO A THREE DOLLAR COOKIE SHOP. YOU WATCH. IT'LL
TURN OUT MRS FIELDS IS RESPONSIBLE FOR EPSTEIN BARR DISEASE.
Just in time for the 50th anniversary of the Roswell Incident,
the Feds released a new version of what happened at the infamous
New Mexico town in 1947, and surprise surprise, it turns out to
be substantially different than the explanation they gave in their
1994 report, which contradicted previous official records which
mostly consisted of: "Show's over. There's nothing to see
here. Go home. Or we'll shoot you." Methinks the lads doth
protest too much. First of all, what witnesses claimed to have
seen happen in 47, didn't happen until 53. The people who thought
they saw alien bodies were mistaken by six years. And who of us
haven't screwed up memories of life changing experiences by six
years? Second of all, the spacecraft was actually a disabled weather
balloon, and there were no bodies. Third off, okay, maybe there
were bodies, but they were crash test dummies. Fourth off, the
dummies were painted by Keane to resemble Keir Dullea. Still doesn't
explain the weird smell a civilian attributed to the bodies but
that could easily be written off as the stench of a lame government
coverup grotesquely constructed according to limited available
facts surrounding secret military installations in an attmept
to avoid destroying worldwide religious credos and causing mass
panic. If you listen real close the echoes sound familiar. Might
that be Jack Nicholson telling us for our own good: "You
Can't Handle The Truth"?
Will Durst thinks they bent the facts until they looked like
a bicycle spoke caught in the spin cycle of a washing machine
used for circus tents.
CONCORD, CALIFORNIA, WHERE DUE TO "ZERO TOLERANCE"
THREE TEENAGERS WERE SENT HOME FROM A SCHOOL TRIP IN EUROPE BECAUSE
THEY ACCIDENTALLY ORDERED A DRINK WHICH TURNED OUT TO BE IRISH
COFFEE. THANK GOD IT WASNT A BLOODY MARY.
Am I alone here thinking that if the tobacco industry okayed
a $368 billion settlement, something has gone horribly awry? My
theory is they agreed just a wee mite too quickly. We've all negotiated
badly at least once. Where you told a guy you couldn't do the
gig for less than two hundred dollars and he said, "Okay,
fine." That's when you slap your head with an iron mallet
knowing you just got suckered worse than a circus monkey tied
to a stump in a toxic waste research project. So doesn't that
mean when the government says $368 billion and the tobacco guys
say "Okay, fine" that we're not much more than a bunch
of circus monkey stunt doubles? Who do you think is running around
muttering, "I could've gotten 400 easy"? Besides, if
they can afford to give up $368 billion, how much money do they
got? Us smokers are the ones who are going to shoulder the brunt
of it. I can see the day when a pack of smokes will be approximately
fifteen bucks. And we'll be happy to pay it. Of course we'll have
to find merchants who won't mind a couple chunks of lung on their
paper money. Maybe we'll be a cashless society by then. And that's
Will Durst will be going on vacation until the 7th of July.
LAS VEGAS, NEVADA, WHERE THEY CAN'T BUILD THE CASINOS FAST
ENOUGH. I'M WORKING WITH MOUTH MARBLES TO DEVELOP AN AUTHENTIC
SLOT MACHINE NOISE AND THEN THE TOURISTS CAN GIVE THE MONEY RIGHT
Q. What's the difference between Mike Tyson and Jeffrey Dahmer?
A. Dahmer was partial to cold cuts, while Tyson prefers his
free range catch, tartare.
Somebody has to have a serious human to human talk with Iron
Mike. "Mike my boy. The thing is, you can't eat the guy until
he's dead. Even then, it's not looked upon as the greased chute
to Endorsement City, unless you're angling for a job as spokesperson
for a cut rate exterminating service." "Hi, I'm Mike
Tyson for Pest Eaters." I don't care how peckish you're feeling.
Nibbling on the guy like he's a six foot four inch Slim Jim is
just plain asking for a public relations backlash on a par with
kicking puppies buried in sand up to their necks with steel toed
boots. My theory is it was all a clever marketing scheme by Don
King. Before the inevitable rematch, Tyson will fight George Foreman
and it'll be billed as "The Beast versus the Buffet".
A sneeze guard will be installed around the ring, and the girls
who flash the round numbers will dress as giant condiment squeeze
bottles. Then they can set up some Scandinavian palooka and call
the whole thing: "Smorgasbord!" Of course right now,
Mike would be lucky to get a fight called "Potluck"
or "Covered Dish".
Will Durst doesn't like Pay Per Chew Casseroles.
a whole week's worth you betcha
NEW YORK, NEW YORK, A CITY SO NICE THEY NAMED IT TWICE. MOSTLY
SO YOU COULD HEAR IT OVER THE CABS HONKING AT THE GARBAGE GUYS
PLAYING KICK THE CANS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET.
25 years ago, The Gang That Couldn't Loot Straight broke into
the Watergate offices of the Democratic National Committee eventually
bringing down a President. Since Woodward still won't out Deep
Throat, being as he's supposedly still alive and all, (isn't that
right Mr. Haig?), the nation is now locked in a weepy nostalgic
trip trying to figure out what it all meant. I'll tell you what
it meant. It meant we damn hippies were right all along; not only
was Nixon a crook, he was dumber than a bucket of dirt. First,
admitting he had tapes and then giving them up, for crum's sake.
Not even Martha Mitchell would have made that mistake. It meant
Reagan learned how to never admit to anything. Just keep saying
you don't remember, and the funny part was people believed him.
It also meant the 60's adage came true: just because you're paranoid
doesn't mean people aren't out to get you. It inspired me to write
my first topical comedy line: "when the going gets tough,
the tough get phlebitis". But mostly, it meant that you were
never going to make it in the scandal business until you got a
gate named after you.
Will Durst, the fat sprite, is looking forward to Durstgate.
It will most likely involve beer.
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE ADULT FILM STARS URGED LEGISLATORS
TO REJECT A BILL IMPOSING A 5 PERCENT SALES TAX ON SEXUALLY EXPLICIT
MATERIALS, AND AMAZINGLY, AN ALMOST PERFECT ATTENDANCE WAS RECORDED.
The Southern Baptist Corporation overwhelmingly approved a
boycott of the Walt Disney Co. to protest what church leaders
say are the company's gay friendly policies. Baptists don't like
friendly people. No, they believe in an ornery vengeful Jesus
with oozing blisters rubbing against the straps of his sandals
and are quite willing to go to whatever lengths it takes in order
to keep people who think differently than them from being treated
equally. Even if it means such twisted self flagellating actions
as visiting Davenport, Iowa instead of Orlando, Florida or prohibiting
their children from watching reruns of "DuckTales".
This action is based on previously unreleased Biblical tales of
when Jesus and the boys went to a seaside village cafe called
The Caanan Whip and bashed themselves a club full of gays who
made fun of Jesus' bleeding feet. I think we can expect further
boycotts by the Southern Baptist Corporation such as one targeting
Girl Scouts for selling cookies where the dark chocolate surrounds
the white colored nougat. Then Spielberg will be marked for E.T.
and his glorification of an alien that looks like genitals with
eyes. We can only gawk open mouthed at these brave Christian soldiers
making this incredible stand against tolerance.
Will Durst only hopes other religions can learn from this gallant
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE 65TH ANNUAL U.S. CONFERENCE
OF MAYORS BEGINS THIS WEEKEND WITH OVER 300 PARTICPANTS EXPECTED.
APPARENTLY THEY'RE HERE TO LEARN HOW CITIES CAN DEVELP THEIR OWN
Race. Unless you're talking about a living room to kitchen
during the commercial break contest on who gets the last piece
of pie, its not a very pretty word. To say it has a tendency to
get people riled up is like calling a mile wide infestation of
poisonous red Carpenter ants; irksome. Bill Clinton has sought
to initiate a yearlong nationwide discussion on race, which most
likely means a marathon session of honing our name calling skills
into a fine subtle precision. But except for naming a blue ribbon
commission the President weighed in with less specifics than you'd
get on the side of one of those Ginseng Tea boxes. Newt Gingrich,
never one to let sleeping dogs lie, managed to kick every cage
in a kennel when he jumped in with the "can't we all get
along" response speech he presented to the Orphan Foundation
of America. Yes, Newt Gingrich was speaking at the Orphan Foundation
of America. You can't make stuff up like this. What I think the
Prez should propose is this. Once a year on their birthday, everyone
uses all the drugs and stimulants they want and then stagger into
an airplane hangar that's been outfitted with mattresses and Barry
White music but no lights, and nobody gets out until they have
had sexual congress, and in two generations everyone will be approximately
the same color. Of course it might sound better coming from me
instead of him.
Will Durst's birthday is March 18th. Who's in?
DALLAS, TEXAS, WHERE THE BIG PBS CONFERENCE IS GOING ON. KEN
BURNS WASN'T HERE BUT THEY PLAYED A TAPE OF HIM SPEAKING, AND
PACKS OF DOGS GATHERED OUTSIDE THE HOTEL.
The 23rd annual convention of the leaders of the world's economic
powers, which used to be known as G-7, but is now called Summit
of the 8, or G-7 plus Vodka Boy, finished up their meeting in
Denver and by all accounts it was as a harmonious affair as could
be expected with bigtime guys suffering from altitude poisoning.
Report cards were handed out which criticized Japan and America
for ignoring International pollution standards. France, Germany
and Italy were told to shape up and ease regulation and strict
labor laws. This stab at International Union Busting was about
as subtle as bowling pin to the forehead. Britain was urged to
keep inflation under control, and Canada was asked to get coffee
from the kitchen where Russia was cleaning up. These were the
official pronouncements, but you know private memos were circulated.
* Japan: Other people build cars too, you know.
* US: Sylvester Stallone is too old to be taking off his shirt.
* Italy: Here's a thought! How about keeping a government intact
for longer than a month. Try it. Get back to us.
* Britain: Please do something about your food, immediately.
Our people have to visit there you know. Does the term "spice"
have any meaning to you?
* Germany: You are huge. Huge enough, if you get our drift.
* France: Gerard Depardieu may be a hunk in your country, but
he must not be allowed to speak. Muzzle comes to mind.
* Canada: Enough with the hockey already. Spend some time on
a new image. And quit whining!
* Russia: See Italy, Britain and Canada.
Will Durst has attitude poisoning.
LONDON, ENGLAND, WHERE THEY ARE STARTING THE WIMBLEDON TENNIS
TOURNAMENT, SO THE CITY IS FULL OF TOURISTS. EASY TO TELL THEM
FROM THE LOCALS. THEY'RE THE ONES WITH SKIN PIGMENTATION.
Summer in Britain. What could be better? Well, winter in the
Antarctic without shelter does spring to mind. Bunjee jumping
into a rotting vertical zinc mine with a decaying goat tied to
your neck ranks right up there. Spending three weeks in a leaky
decompression chamber with 12 Richard Simmons clones all festively
adorned with numerous methamphetamine patches could be its equal.
Yeah, they love us Yanks over here. Can't get enough of our McDonalds
or Gaps. Would like to deep fry and bury each and every one of
us in a blue jean body bag. You know, the only reason "Baywatch"
is the number one show in the world is they love to see Americans
drown. Its not that the English hate us. Well, yeah they do. Mostly
they're condescending. They treat us like your mother did you
after you first left the house. "Soooo, things aren't going
so well, are they Mr. 'I'm ready for Independence.'" 221
years later... they're still pissed. I keep wanting to say to
them, "Guys, settle down. we didn't tell you to wear red
in the woods. Spread out! These were farmers with one shot muskets.
who was going to relate to "The earthtones are coming! The
earthtones are coming! Beware the pastels, Nathan."
Will Durst thinks crumpets are like cookies without sugar.
Will Durst will be performing at cobb's comedy club in san
francisco tuesday the 24th, through sunday the 29th. come on down.
415 928 4445
a whole bunch of days worth
SAN F, CALIFORNIA, WHERE WE'RE VOTING ON WHETHER TO GIVE EDDIE
DE BARTOLA, ONE OF THE COUNTRY'S RICHEST MEN $100 MILLION. SURE,
WHY NOT? NEXT WE CAN PASS A BOND MEASURE TO FORCE FEED DAVID CROSBY.
PUT SOME MEAT ON HIS BONES.
Just when you think the world has become an irony free zone:
that the day Jim Fixx, the man who jump started the running craze,
died while jogging, will never be equaled, along comes Bohumil
Sole. Mr. Sole, 63, was a Czech inventor who was part of the team
that invented the plastic explosive Semtex. And he blew himself
up in a bathhouse during what the Czech police are calling a suicide
attempt. A pretty good attempt by all accounts. You might even
call it mildly successful. Now these are not the Czech police
of the mid seventies who would patiently explain in their thick
Russian accents that their prisoner's multiple bruises stemmed
from falling down the stairs. "Two broken arms?" the
Western Press would ask incredulously. "He fell repeatedly."
No, these are measured well respected cops who are assuming the
guy blew himself up with the stuff he invented.
You can't make stuff up like this.
The next thing you know...
Bill Clinton dies from an splinter infection caught while straddling
Pamela Anderson Lee suffocates as her breasts melt and conjeal
over her face when she falls asleep too near a bon fire on the
Rush Limbaugh explodes when he passes an exterior air conditioning
duct and accidentally swallows a blast of the very same hot air
Will Durst will become so successful, his head will swell even
further and he won't be able to fit through the doors he so desparately
wants to be invited into.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE WE VOTED TO SPEND MONEY ON
A MALL, A ZOO, SOME SCHOOLS, BUT NOT A CULTURAL CENTER. IF YOU
WANT CULTURE YOU CAN GO DOWN TO FISHERMAN'S WHARF AND BUY A T-
Okay guys, now if I were you I'd sit down and cover myself
with an insulated moving blanket because after you hear this,
you're going to want to put something really heavy like a high
single series bowling trophy through the glass door of your entertainment
center and you don't want any shards to get in the cuffs of your
pajamas, since you won't be able to sleep as it is. Bill Clinton,
the man who owes more to soft money than Joseph Gallo owes to
crushed grapes is petitioning the Federal Election Commission
to abolish the "soft money" loophole. Oh, there you
go. Next, I suppose Mark McGwire is going to ask Major League
Baseball to declare any ball leaving the field of play is an out.
Then Bill Gates will market a pad of paper attached to a pencil
with a string and call it his revolutionary "analog laptop
computer". Eventually I can see General Norman Schwarzkopff
demanding all future wars be decided by Supersoakers full of urine
at 30 paces. The rise of soft money was the direct result of a
PREVIOUS reform which limited the amount any one contributor could
give to an individual candidate. So instead of giving it to the
candidate, now the contributions go to the candidate's party who...
give it to the candidate. Obviously not the same thing at all.
This involves many more banking transactions. You outlaw soft
money and you know what takes over? Spongy downy suppley velvety
money. That's when contributors give money to the candidate's
party's treasurer's country club's janitor. We're moving the cookie
jar from the kitchen table to the counter to behind a cabinet
above the refrigerator and these are the guys who own the ladder
and crowbar concessions. And Clinton knows it best of all. Being
the retired Western Hemisphere Distributor for ladders and crowbars
Will Durst doesn't have soft money.
PACIFICA, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE FOG FESTIVAL IS HELD EVERY
YEAR BECAUSE WHEN YOU GOT LEMONS, YOU MAKE LEMONADE. MAKES YOU
WONDER IF SOUTH CENTRAL LOS ANGELES EVER THOUGHT OF A DRIVE BY
I don't see what's so hard to understand: the Air Force drums
out Lieutenant Kelly Flinn for sleeping with a married man, then
one of the two candidates to become the next Chairman of the Joint
Chiefs of Staff, General Joseph W. Ralston is forgiven for his
year long affair with a female Army Intelligence Officer while
he was still married. No double standard here. This is what we
call the single standard. Just like when we were kids: "Do
as I say, not as I do". The President has expressed confidence
Secretary of Defense William Cohen will make the right decision,
which typically means Bill would rather be skipping naked through
Central Park at three in the morning with hundred dollar bills
scotch taped to his genitals than have to weigh in on this one.
It's a simple case of the military making an example. And a example
has been made. Just happens to be a female one. We're talking
about a man who had a exemplary service record of 32 years, whereas
the female bomber pilot was bound to end up quitting when she
made the inevitable decision to pump out a few puppies. Besides,
I think it makes an attractive recruitment poster: "Join
the armed services and get screwed; figuratively, literally, and
Will Durst is a decorated veteran of the Freak Army, responsible
for single handedly affecting the balance of a thousand skirmishes
in the Sexual Revoution.
SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA, WHICH IS A LOT LIKE LOS ANGELES WITHOUT
ALL THE DELICATE GRADATIONS OF ETHEREAL SUBTLETIES. THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN SAN JOSE AND YOGURT IS YOGURT HAS AN ACTIVE CULTURE.
ABC just announced an agreement with American Airlines to give
frequent flyer miles for watching certain television shows on
the network's schedule. Oh yeah, that's just what we need. Couch
potatoes with a purpose. "Honey, why don't you go outside
and play." "Can't mom, only two more NYPD Blues and
I bump up to Business on my non-stop to Paris." You know
this is the start of something big and hideous. Already you can
get frequent flyer miles by eating at certain restaurants or ordering
flowers, but now we've managed to turn our greed into a passive
sport. It's the ultimate dream marriage for Americans: watching
tv while accumulating at the same time. I can see the future unravel
in front of me like a ball of yarn rolling down the stairwell
of the Washington Monument.
* Japan Airlines, and Nintendo get together with a Donkey Kong
Junior starter program where kids get miles for completing different
worlds in a given time.
* Southwest Airlines works a deal with Charmin Bathroom Tissue
and the inside of the cardboard roll reveals a mileage coupon.
* Joe Camel in co- operation with British Airways switches
from Camel Bucks to Camel Miles.
* Continental Airlines and Duncan Hines gives miles for every
pound a person gains in a three month period; the largest gainer
wins a million mile prize.
Will Durst wants a round the world award. Heh heh.
a bunch of stuff that's almost a week's worth
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFOERE THE LOVE GENERATION SPRANG UP OUT
OF THE HAIGHT. AND I LIVE IN THE SUNSET DISTRICT WHERE BECAUSE
OF THE FOG, YOU CAN NEVER SEE THE DAMN SUNSET.
Our Boy Bill just vetoed the $8.6 billion emergency flood relief
bill because according to him, it had become a wayward whale whose
direction had foundered after being encrusted with $3.2 billion
in pork barnacles courtesy of Congress. Frankly, I'm worried about
the Republicans. Either they have collectively gone quite mad
or they have a memory shorter than picnic season in Upper Michigan.
Didn't they have their approval ratings handed to them on a soggy
paper plate with this same fight during the government shutdowns
of 95/96? Clinton's objections to the bill aren't the $12.3 million
garage in Cleveland or half a million to refurbish a theater in
Kentucky, but rather the provision that would have automatically
continued spending at this year's level if regular appropriation
bills were not approved by the start of the fiscal year, Oct.
1. This would have let Congress shut down the government without
any pressure to negotiate with Clinton. And there's nothing the
Republicans hate more than negotiating with Clinton. It's like
trying to throttle a shadow. He just smiles and bites his lip
and the cameras start spontaneously drooling out of the lens piece.
Let's hope Hurricane season holds off or FEMA may experience a
Will Durst has a disaster stack and he calls it home.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, RATED THE 13TH MOST LIVABLE CITY
IN AMERICA BY MONEY MAGAZINE. NASHUA, NEW HAMPSHIRE WAS RATED
NUMBER ONE, APPARENTLY NOT TAKING INTO ACCOUNT YOU'D HAVE TO LIVE
IN NEW HAMPSHIRE. YOU CAN'T MAKE STUFF UP LIKE THIS.
* Michael Jordan has come out with a line of toiletries including
a signature shampoo. Michael Jordan Shampoo. The hell would that
be: a wet nap?
* The US Supreme Court has determined that states can not require
political candidates to take drug tests. So, I guess that would
mean DNA tests for chromosonal damage and IQ minimum exams are
totally out of the question.
* A couple of scientists have made a claim that coffee can
be used to fight cancer. The drug companies must now be readying
vats to produce enough solution to soak one's tumors in.
* The Gerald Ford Museum has just opened in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
There are no stairs.
* They also named an airport in Houston after George Bush.
Should call the tower the George Bush International Airport Vision
* Congress has granted Frank Sinatra a Medal of Honor. Wonder
if in the spirit of things, whether in order to get it passed
they twisted a couple of arms or broke a couple of legs?
* A 63 year old Southern California woman gave birth to a healthy
baby girl. The good news is the diaper service can kill two birds
with one stop.
* The military has adopted a policy allowing Native American
soldiers to use peyote. It is probably known as "Tune In,
Drop Out, Don't Ask."
Will Durst is part Native American you know.
NEW YORK, NEW YORK, WHERE THEY THINK THE MOVIE, "THE TRIAL"
IS A DOCUMENTARY.
Timothy McVeigh has been found guilty of the slaughter of 168
people in the Oklahoma City bombing, and jurors in Denver, Colorado
have decided to slaughter him in response. I don't know how I
feel about the Death Penalty. I know Clinton endorses it, Newt
Gingrich embraces it and Trent Lott wants it applied to anyone
who makes fun of his hair. Perhaps the word penalty doesn't quite
convey the entire picture here. It sounds too much like a minor
setback. A temporary correction. A puddlish oilslick on the highway,
rather than the head on crash into an anonymous big rig hauling
deteriorating cannisters of combustibles. Everyone I know feels
strongly one way or the other about capital punishment, except
me, and I feel strongly both ways. My theory is, the Bible says
"Thou shall not kill", not "Thou shall not kill
unless he's an egregious squeezebag who deserves to be taken out
just for the sake of the gene pool". Might have been a translation
problem; I think not. But then I hear of a crime like the Oklahoma
City bombing: so heinous, so despicable, so... go to horrid, take
a left, that I'd be willing to take the guy out myself with nothing
but salad tongs, sandpaper and salt. Don't ask, but it works.
I've just always been afraid that if we get too strict with this
"eye for an eye" business, it won't be very long before
we're all pretty much blind.
Will Durst already can't see that well.
NEW YORK, NEW YORK, WHERE THE DISNEY STUDIO HAS RUN OFF ALL
THE PORNO THEATERS IN TIMES SQUARE. I THINK I LIKED IT BETTER
THE OLD WAY. SEEMED CLEANER SOMEHOW.
Real soon, a bunch of designated dobermans from Congress and
the Clinton administration will meet to negotiate the budget compromise
in a summit that will make Mideast peace talks look like sixth
grade intramural basketball possession calls. By July, either
the President will enact a law concerning the legislation, or...
he won't. If the unthinkable comes to pass, an event with a likelihood
potential equal to a tornado diagonally tagging a trailer court
in the Midwest within the next ten years, several things could
* One. A bipartisan committee ignoring petty partisan squabbles
and lobbyist pressure makes shared sacrifice based on ability
to pay, the National policy. And the moon falls out of the sky,
and oil wells spring from the rotting cores of hibernating gladiola
* Two. Both sides claim the reasons the talks have stalled
is the opposition is selling out the voters to Satan. Dick Armey
threatens a slander suit.
* Three. Newt's mob reluctantly raises the minimum corporate
tax rate and in return, Clinton allows the homeless to be bussed
to the National Zoo and fed to the lions.
* Four. Newt throws a fit demanding common courtesy from the
House rest room attendant who should not be lighting matches and
going "whoo whoo" everytime the speaker uses the stall.
* Five. They adjourn to watch the World Wrestling Federation
Will Durst learned in high school, the greatest burden is a
a week's worth dammit
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE
GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE CELEBRATED ITS SIXTIETH BIRTHDAY. HEARD IT
PARTIED PRETTY LATE INTO THE NIGHT. CAME IN A LITTLE HUNG OVER
WHILE YOU WERE OUT...
* The Boss came by and changed the locks
on the employee rest rooms and gave everybody a new key except
* Some guy in accounting came and took
your trash. Bobby.
* I've saved all of last year's food
drive flyers and think we should print our inter office memos
on the backs. Martha.
* Your suggestion about cutting executive
bonuses has been forwarded to New York. Smooth move groove. Ali.
* Some guy from "Hard Copy"
came and brought back your trash. Bobby.
* I told the custodian he could remove
the rollers from your chair to make skates. Martha.
* Ticketmaster called. They inadvertently
listed your home number as the one to call for the six Streisand
concerts. They want to know if you can give callers the correct
number. Bridget in reception.
* I.O.U. one middle desk drawer. Be
right back dude. Ali.
* Pockets will no longer be allowed.
* There's a virus eating hard drives.
Everybody should reboot their computers NOW! Mr. Roberson.
* Some guy from the IRS came and took
your trash. He said to call him as soon as you get in, but I lost
his number. Sorry. Bobby.
* The new owners want to know why you
still have an employee parking spot. I said I didn't know. Martha.
You can consider Will Durst as still
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE
PASSING RATE ON THE CALIFORNIA BAR EXAM ROSE TO A FIVE YEAR HIGH.
OH TERRIFIC. THIS STATE NEEDS LAWYERS LIKE MINNESOTA NEEDS MOSQUITOS
I don't know about you, but whenever
I see newlyweds prancing around with their boundless energy, thick
hair and firm thighs, I actually feel sorry for them. It's going
to take years before they have the slightest inkling of what's
going on. There are more reasons that marriage gets easier with
age than there are broken chairs in a Jackie Chan movie. As you
get older, you come to realize... less can be more. The big things
seem smaller and the small things don't even register on the radar.
Another reason marriage gets easier is often you can communicate
simply through a coded series of shrugs and grunts. For instance,
"Enh?" Shrug. "Enh!" Can mean, "What
was that?" "Who knows?" "Typical." Your
reflexes aren't as sharp, and of course your hearing goes, which
allows you to let a lot of things that would have formerly upset
you, slide. Like, when you hear this annoying buzzing noise while
trying to watch TV: only the falling of many calendar pages can
teach you, ignore it long enough, and it will go away. Sometimes,
if fate is willing, you get to wear each other's clothes. However,
if you ever find yourselves wearing matching clothes, you know,
like identical lime green nylon running suits with orange racing
stripes: you should seriously consider seeking professional help.
Dr. Kevorkian comes to mind.
Will Durst needs help.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE
FOG CAME IN NOT ON LITTLE CAT'S FEET, BUT RATHER ON THE REAR HAUNCHES
OF A MUSKRAT HACKING UP WET FLEMMY FURBALLS. AND THEN IT WENT
AWAY AGAIN. WEIRD.
The networks released next season's
schedules and they have cleverly put themselves in danger of neither
breaking new ground or setting the bar too high. Ooh, those sly
ones. One will never be able to accuse them of having failed to
fulfill high expectations. Next year we can expect to see our
screens littered with what a gang of GED dropouts known as focus
groups have identified as hot: widowers, preachers, aliens and
odd couples. Waiting in the wings are some inevitable mid-season
replacements courtesy of the Will Durst School Of Advanced Prime
THOSE WACKY NEIGHBORS NEXT DOOR: wackiness
ensues weekly when a Winnebago full of aliens travel through the
midwest learning about what it means to be
human, taking the time to teach a few lessons of their own.
THE RAPPING BENEDICTINE MONKS OF SANTO
DOMINGO DE SILOS: a busload of inner city orphan youth get stranded
at a Benedictine Monastary during a Gregorian Chant Festival and
teach as dope as they get taught.
ODD FRIENDS: six good looking aliens
sit around, drink coffee and have intrapersonal relationship problems.
Refreshingly, no lessons are either learned or taught.
STEINMAN: a rabbi spends his time eating
in a bad coffee shop and searching for a decent Manhattan apartment
with his three wacky friends, one an alien,
FATHERS ZIPH & ZORG: an alien odd
couple assume the identity of widowed reverends and wreak havoc
on a small midwestern parish, as they learn about us but still
find time to teach as well.
Will Durst will appear frequently as
Zorg's weird brother Glank.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE
LATEST DESIGN FOR THE NEW BAY BRIDGE WOULD BE A FLOATING SPAN
THAT WOULD ALLOW SEAFOOD CULTIVATION IN TANKS ON THE SIDE. PROBABLY
WANTS BING CHERRY TREES ON THE STANCHIONS AS WELL.
I would just like to offer a measured
piece of advice to all those critics who lambasted "The Lost
World" because it was all special effects and no plot. GET
A FREAKIN LIFE. It's a dinsoaur movie! What, weren't there enough
pithy moments with Wallace Shawn talking about the death of culture
with André the Giant for your intellectual butt? It's a
dinsoaur movie! You pay your eight bucks and giant dinosaurs are
running around right up there in front of you real close to human
actors making loud roaring noises. It did have some things in
common with "Citizen Kane". Ceilings, for example. Actors.
Words. A young girl knocking a Velociraptor out a window with
a high bar routine. What else do you want? You think if Orson
Welles had the technology to dangle a trailer over a cliff with
a glass wall, he wouldn't do it? Oh, excuse me; the plot had a
few holes. Of course it did! Holes big enough for a herd of Brontasauruses
to fall in. At the end of the movie, a Tyranasaurus Rex sneaks
up on a guy for crum's sake. It's a dinosaur movie! And Jeff Goldblum
forgot which nerd he was playing and reverted back to the nerd
he was in "Independence Day", and not the nerd in the
previous dinosaur movie. Who cares? You probably go to Sea World,
sit in the front row of the Shamu show, then complain you got
wet. I bet you didn't like "Congo" either. It's a Saturday
afternoon jungle movie!
Will Durst even liked "Anaconda".
It's an Amazon River big snake movie!
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE WE
HAVE THIS GREAT FEUD GOING ON WITH LOS ANGELES THAT THEY AREN'T
EVEN AWARE OF. WHICH IS WHAT REALLY PISSES US OFF MORE THAN ANYTHING.
ESCALATING THE FEUD. AIN'T LIFE ODD?
You got to admire the players whipping
the frayed edges of capitalism to a frenzied fringe in Hong Kong.
These guys are partying like it's 1999. Taking it to the limit
while they can, because on July 1st, the limit is going to be
pummeled, shrink wrapped and casually rammed into the deep dark
corner of a centuries old freezer, where all the oxygen is sucked
out and hosed over to the mausoleum to keep the rotting sarcophaguses
holding court in stasis just on the warm side of expiration. June
4th is the 8th anniversary of Tiananmen Square and in its shadow,
the residents of this territory can make out a future bleaker
than a transcontinental off road race across Canada in a fleet
of discount Yugos on the occasion of the winter solstice. Protesters
have vowed to hit the streets this year in force to commemorate
the event since the Chinese have indicated they would rather wear
ski masks made out of raw hamburger and stick them in cages of
rabid lions forced to watch the Rosie O'Donnell Show for three
days non stop than let it happen again. So rave on, guys, just
don't forget to wear the Kevlar Party Hats.
Will Durst is partying in his own private
forty eight hours worth
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE ACCORDING
TO THE CATO INSTITUTE, RENT CONTROL IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE EXPENSIVE
RENTS. SOUNDS TO ME LIKE SOMEONE WANTED TO MOVE HERE AND COULDN'T
FIND A NICE PLACE.
According to "Talkers" magazine,
the trade mag of talk radio, "politics" doesn't work
anymore. Americans apparently tired again of listening to the
Washington edition of the Bickersons. I blame Bob Dole. Anybody
trying to light a fire off the spark of last year's Presidential
election is going to end up flopping around gasping for breath
like a guppy on the linoleum floor of a Woolworth's pet aisle.
I've seen more exciting hedge trimmings. The most boring election
since my third grad social studies teacher rammed Jenny Peterson
through as hall monitor on the straight, "Because I said
so" ticket. Clinton has to share in the responsibility since
he's decided to be this morph like pseudo shape shifter who can
assume the position of any poll his staff has in their grubby
little hands at the time. Besides having a face made for radio,
I too feel the pain of the talk show hosts. I'd rather skip naked
through Yankee Stadium with hundred dollar bills duct taped to
my body than attempt funny comedy political humor during the second
term of a President so smooth and slimy he makes Ronald Reagan
look like a velcro tar baby dipped in wallpaper paste. But these
guys have to learn to stop their bellyaching, and trust the American
public. Knowing the goobers we tend to elect it'll get good and
ugly again. Too soon.
Will Durst likes it good and ugly.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE MEMORIAL
DAY WAS MET WITH MUCH BURNING OF FLESH.
Maturing. It's a scary word. A word
I always associated with cheese. Not something I ever thought
would happen to me. But what nature takes away, it also replenishes.
Sometimes in different areas. And no, I'm not talking about hair,
but can someone please tell me why I have not just hair growing
out of my ears, but thick undersea Intercontinental cables? Have
I become a mobile long distance carrier experiment without my
knowledge? You could cut that cheese I spoke of earlier with these
things. No, I'm talking about the fact that although we may no
longer have the speed to outrun trouble, we now have enough experience
to recognize it's imminent arrival and hopefully avoid it. For
instance, I have learned to avoid all movies publicized with great
quotes from radio station reviewers in Utah.
Also, when I was young, I had no idea
that "buffet" was a death defying concept. As we get
older, we get less gullible. We've been to the circus, we know
it's always the same old thing, just a different set of clowns.
We also have a much better sense of when people are blowing smoke
up our butts. Which is probably why most judges aren't eighteen
year old boys. "You are sentenced to an entire weekend of
listening to non stop "Metallica". And finally we gain
enough patience to figure out the world will pretty much stay
the same no matter how much we try to change it, and the only
thing worse than pretending it won't is not trying.
Will Durst is still trying.
yes. one whole entire week's worth.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE A RADIO
STUNT GONE BAD CAUSED A BACKUP ON THE BAY BRIDGE A COUPLE YEARS
AGO. TO MAKE UP FOR IT, THE STATION PAID FOR THE TOLLS TODAY THROUGH
TUESDAY. CAUSING OF COURSE, A BACKUP.
Oklahoma City bombing suspect Timothy
McVeigh seems to have been as anxious to get caught as he was
to avenge his imagined compatriots' fate. The guy got caught speeding
in a car without plates. Aaah, America, the home of remedial terrorists.
"Yeah, I go to the Billy Carter School of Espionage in the
little bus. They're teaching me how to counterfeit singles. Next
up is how to disguise myself as an ignorant racist. I'm looking
forward to that one." Everybody thought this one was committed
by foreigners. I even fell for the bait. The media was no help.
"Two middle easterners were seen running from the scene."
I have one little question: wasn't everybody running from the
scene? Second, it was Oklahoma City. The hell does middle eastern
looking mean down there. "They had curly hair. And they weren't
wearing baseball caps! And, I'll tell you something mister, they
had a tan on both of their arms. It was eerie." McVeigh also
told arresting officers he thought the military had implanted
microchips in his butt. His butt. To get as close as possible
to the cerebral cortex I believe. Don't you get it, at inopportune
moments, they were going to fiendishly manipulate his bowel movements.
It was cancer man all along.
Will Durst likes the X files as much
as the next guy.
BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA, WHERE PROFESSOR
ROBERT SILENSKY SAID, "WE'VE ALL HEARD HOW 1,000,000 MONKEYS
POUNDING ON 1,000,000 TYPEWRITERS WILL EVENTUALLY REPRODUCE SHAKESPEARE'S
ENTIRE WORKS. WELL, NOW THANKS TO THE INTERNET, WE KNOW THAT'S
It gets weirder and weirder. Last week,
the campaign manager in charge on convincing voters they should
spend one hundred million dollars for the San Francisco Forty
Niners' new stadium was thrown a birthday party by his friends
that would have made Caligula grab his date and gallop off. In
a blatant attempt to curry the integral S/M swing vote, the highlight
of the evening saw a self described Indian satanist S/M performance
artist have a pentagram carved into his back, get urinated on,
and then allowed his anus to become a decorative liquor rack,
albeit lacking in hygienic appeal to the point I sincerely doubt
FDA approval is going to be a slam dunk. He called it the Apache
Whiskey Ride, and said it was all to illustrate how the Indians
were ruint when the white man forced liquor onto them, although
if that's how they drank it, it's amazing they ever got looped.
First the Indian community complained. Something about the inauthenticity
of the angle of insertion. Now, the sadomasochist community has
chimed in with their two cents worth. And guess what? We owe them
change. Apparently, real sadomasochists have more developed sense
of taste and a better circle of friends. The funniest part is
they're against the stadium anyway. Even the performance artist
is against it, unless, I assume, they change the name to Anton
Will Durst hopes he has a better sense
of taste and more developed friends.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE
NEW BAY BRIDGE EXTENSION FROM YERBA BUENA ISLAND TO OAKLAND HAS
BEEN NARROWED DOWN TO SIX DESIGNS, INCLUDING A VIADUCT. VIADUCT?
BECAUSE IT'S CHEAPER.
Sometimes I think our government is
so stuck in the 1930's, they should all be wearing spats. They
refuse to accept pot can be used as a cheap effective medicine.
For crum's sake, it grows in the ground; when's the last time
you got a Pina Colada off the cocktail tree?If it's bad for you,
doesn't that mean God screwed up? Their little refrain has gotten
more tiresome than a 24 hour Michael Bolton station. "Marijuana,
the heathen devil weed, causes severe brain damage and various
incurable strains of venereal disease. Think of this: everybody
who ever smoked dope has died, especially jazz musicians. If you
suspect your son, daughter and or boss of smoking marijuana, ask
yourself these few simple questions.
* Are they having too much fun?
* Do they wear sunglasses at odd hours
of the day, like at the breakfast table?
* Does their major source of protein
come from individually wrapped packets of Chee-Tos?
* Is their hair extraordinarily sticky?
* Do they break into giggling fits for
no apparent reason?
* Are the seed burn holes in their denim
jackets referred to as 'the bombing pattern'?
* Have you noticed they have an increased
tendency to fall asleep while operating gas powered yard tools?
* Are they confused by their shoes?
* Is their philosophical world centered
around Roadrunner cartoons?
Will Durst doesn't smoke pot, but he
likes the smell.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE
BAY TO BREAKERS RACE WAS JUST RUN. 70,000 FREAKS AND MISFITS,
SOME IN COSTUME, RUNNING 7.5 MILES, AND NO FREE BEER WAS INVOLVED.
Lies are important. We couldn't survive
without lies. We just need a different name for some of them.
LIES sounds so perjorative. What do you call the correct response
to "Honey, do these pants make me look fat?" Is that
a lie? No, that's self defense. You can't outlaw lies, then only
outlaws will tell lies. If you make lies illegal, the very fabric
of society would unravel. Think of it; our streets cluttered with
the hollow eyed shells of lawyers, politicians and advertising
* Your average relationship would last
about as long as a carton of milk left out in a Phoenix attic
* New Technology Miracle Detergent would
* President Clinton would be a mime.
* Rush Limbaugh would host a daily three
hour nationwide recipe show.
* Steven Seagal would be known as a
walker, not an actor.
* You'd never ask anybody "how
you doing?" ever again.
* "60 Minutes" would have
to be called "48 Minutes".
* "The Tonight Show" would
have to be called "March 4th, sometime back in the Early
* We'd start calling sugar; sweet crack.
* The American League would be referred
to as the Quadruple A League.
Will Durst doesn't lie. Well, only when
he tells his mother how good her meatloaf was. That's a big lie.
SAN FRANCISCO, 200 MILES FROM ANGELS
CAMP, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE WINNER OF THE ANNUAL CALAVERAS FROG
JUMPING CONTEST WAS NAMED BUD-WISER. NOW THEY'RE SPONSORING ACTUAL
AMPHIBIANS? CAN INVERTEBRATES BE FAR BEHIND? OR DO THEY ALREADY
MAKE POLITICAL CONTRIBUTIONS?
Representative Robert Barr of Georgia
is having as much luck getting the House Judiciary Committee to
open an impeachment inquiry of President Clinton as Robert Dole
has of becoming the newest Chippendale. As Albert Belle has of
guest hosting for Dr. Laura Schleschinger as resident grief counselor.
As Siegfreid & Roy have of being the next two man Olympic
bobsled team from whatever weird goulash country they claim as
homeland. Who put the spiny bug in this guy's bikini cut underwear?
The economy is booming. Unemployment is at it's lowest level since
before the Civil War and the stock market is out of sight from
the summit of Mount Everest and ol' Mr. Turd in the Punchbowl
wants to wring the neck of the golden goose with a noose of subpoenas?
I suppose he would also like to see us all stick our hands covered
with paper cuts in aquariums full of piranhas. Oh good idea, Bob,
let's drive blindfolded down the freeway at 120 mph just to prove
the yellow lines are straight. Fortunately this guy is being ignored
like a mosquito squashed on the windshield of that very same car.
Time to turn on the washers.
Will Durst hopes this guy knows some
solitaire games to keep himself busy.
not a whole week's worth, but soon
WAIKOLOA, HAWAII, WHERE DISPLACED SUGAR
CANE WORKERS ARE NOW THE BELL HOPS AND BARTENDERS AT THE LUXURY
RESORTS. STILL WORKING FOR THE MAN, ONLY NOW, THE ANNOYING BUGS
WALK ON TWO LEGS INSTEAD OF SIX. YOU CAN'T MAKE STUFF UP LIKE
* Now let me get this straight. Charlie
Manson didn't want to get paroled because he was too busy working
on his website? Not maintained by him, of course. I'm sure Mewly
or Squealy or Squeaky is running it. Probably linked to the ACLU
* Swatch just released a Che Guevara
watch. I bet they tried a Jesus Swatch but couldn't get it out
of the design room. Only worked four times a day: quarter to three
and fifteen after nine.
* Hey everybody. Ellen is a lesbian!
You know, someone should tell Laura Dern that if a date with her
were part of the package, a lot more of us would come out as well.
* Do you think Strom Thurmond still
writes his "s's" like "f's"?
* The GAO says military bookeepers can't
find $43 billion. The Pentagon claims only $18 billion is unaccounted
for. And right they are for feeling unfairly maligned. After all,
what's a measly $18 billion amongst friends? Nine dozen hammers,
* Measly. Must be another Manson girl.
* Chelsea picked Stanford over Princeton.
You don't think that it's campus being 2800 miles further away
from D.C. had anything to do with it, do you? Naw, she probably
just heard so much about the fabulous Palo Alto nightlife scene.
Either that, or she considered Princeton's nickname, "The
Tigers" insensitive to big cats.
Will Durst thinks Stanford's nickname,
"The Cardinal" is insensitive to cool hues, man.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, NOT FAR FROM
PETALUMA WHERE A HOME OWNER HIT A BURGLAR WITH A BASEBALL BAT,
AND GOT ARRESTED. THANK GOD HE DIDN'T GET KILLED. THEY MIGHT HAVE
GIVEN HIM THE CHAIR.
The Barbary Coast thrives again. Friends
threw a 50th birthday party for San Francisco political consultant
Jack Davis that could go a long way in cementing our national
reputation as Gomorrah By The Sea for another two or three generations.
The entertainment included live sex acts, the carving of pentagrams
into the backs of performance artists, urination and sodomization
with a Jack Daniels bottle, which according to spectator Sheriff
Mike Hennessey, was "a great waste of a bottle of whiskey."
So many fluids were flowing the Delta got jealous. Of course,
through a curious rash of spontaneous babysitteritis, every politician
present reluctantly responded to emergencies at home, and were
not present during the festivities. These guys disappeared faster
than brownies at a pot rally. As a matter of fact, it seems nobody
actually saw the alleged events except for the depraved members
of the press who described it down to the last hairy moled detail.
All I can say is anything that ticks Rush Limbaugh off is okay
by me, although I'm sure at future Jack Davis fetes, all the liquor
will be served in convenient squeeze bottles, especially the Galliano.
Besides, what's the big deal with a little spin the bottle, we
got to have some fun. After all we don't have Kennedys out here.
Will Durst is still pissed he wasn't
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHICH IS
IN THE MIDDLE OF IT'S BRITAIN MEETS THE BAY FESTIVAL. NOT SURPRISINGLY,
THE FOOD CONCESSIONS AREN'T DOING ALL THAT WELL.
So to believe the newpapers, humankind
is doomed because a bunch of circuits and wires made Gary Kasparov
cry. Hey, settle down peoples of Earth. Personally, I don't think
he's wound all that tight to begin with. The guy probably cries
at AT&T commercials. He lost a chess game to a computer. Big
freakin deal. We still regularly crush them in Chinese checkers
and Yahtzee, don't we? And when was the last time you saw Troy
Aikman throwing a roll out post pattern bomb to a robot? Alvin
Harper doesn't count. And no, we're not going to bring Hockey
into this. Besides, who do you think programmed the stupid computer?
Damn right! If it hadn't been for us weasly bipeds teaching Big
Blue how to cheat real good, that mass of silicon would have begun
smoking like a four pack a day garage band bass player after a
transcontinental flight on ValuJet after the third move, and Kasparov
would be chugging Peppered Vodka straight from his Gucci boot
right now. So we humans are subservient in intelligence to computers.
Yeah, what's your point? Let Kasparov challenge Big Blue to a
guts match of Twister and see what happens. Let's see the almighty
wired one handle a table full of drunken heckling tourists during
a second show Friday. Then we'll see who can play hardball.
Will Durst can't play chess.
two days worth. so shoot me.
HILO, HAWAII, WHERE THE AVERAGE RAINFALL
IS OVER A HUNDRED AND FIFTY INCHES EVERY YEAR. NOT VERY FUNNY,
OKAY, BUT HEY, IT'S TRUE.
Richard McLaren, leader of the Republic
of Texas separatists, surrendered to authorities and called for
a "Texas-wide cease-fire" yesterday. Yeah, right, good
luck. Call for a "Arctic-wide cease-ice next. He also asked
for diplomatic immunity. And they should give it to him. Immunity
from all mythical lands, like Atlantis and Never Never Land. His
claim is that Texas was illegally annexed in 1845 and remains
an independent state. And I say he's right. Let the Lone Star
State secede, and maybe if they really promise to go away we could
give them Oklahoma as a bonus. How can you take anybody serious
holed up in a trailer? Call me a cynic but I think after the publicity
ABC got over the whole Ellen thing, this was a huge plot co-ordinated
between the news and entertainment departments at NBC to capitalize
on Jeff Foxworthy's season ending episode.
* If your embassy is a trailer... you
might live in a redneck nation.
* If all the menu selections at your
state dinners are really roadkill... you might live in a redneck
* If the only thing y ssadors have in
common is they were once runners ups in a fart lighting competition...
you might live in a redneck nation.
* If your Minister of Defense is arrested
for being intimate with livestock in a freeway rest stop... you
might live in a redneck nation.
Will Durst is the Lieutenant Governor
of the State of Confusion.
HILO, HAWAII, WHERE A STREET PERFORMER'S
ACT HAS RUN AWAY. HIS HYPNOTIZING DOG BOLTED DURING A WALK AND
A $5,OOO REWARD HAS BEEN OFFERED FOR THE MEALTICKET'S RETURN.
BUT IT REALLY HAS TO WANT TO RETURN, RIGHT?
Another study concerning violence on
television has been released and the surprising conclusion is
that violence on television is bad, and the majorest bad guy is,
once again, us. For watching. Of course this report was broadcast
on the same news program that featured tape from the carnage caused
by a suicide bomb explosion in Jerusalem. Obviously the work of
some Beavis & Butthead Satellite aficionado. Yes, tv affects
impressionable young minds. If it didn't, really big corporations
wouldn't spend millions of dollars advertising day glo plastic
crap that kids aren't sure if they're supposed to eat, wear or
spread on the spokes of their bike. Of course television affects
kids, but so does Volleyball, and you don't hear about studies
that advocate the elimination of spiking and kill shots, now do
you? Besides, kids aren't stupid. Just because my generation watched
cartoons doesn't mean we think we can run off a cliff and not
fall as long as we don't look down. Anvils don't conform to the
shape of your head when dropped out of four story buildings. And
after swallowing dynamite, your belly doesn't explode and then
contract afterwards. We know this. You got to blow out the exhaust
Will Durst has blown out his share of
not even half a week's worthwhile
Dear gentle peoples.
I am exceedingly sorry the pickings
are so slim this week, it's just that I am at Jazz Fest in New
Orleans, and taking great pains to accomplish my appointed job
of the week which is to:
A. Drink Heavily.
B. Eat Way Too Much, And Then Make Odd
Noises Getting Up.
C. Listen To Music.
D. Drink Heavily.
Happy to note, I am doing such a good
job, there is much talk about my assuming the task on a permanent
basis. Don't know about the music though, it seems to interrupt
my concentration on finishing tasks A & D in a thorough and
complete manner. By the way, last night, I chanced to eat something
so heavenly, so touched by the hand of God His Own Badself, so
brought down to Earth by an angry confused Dark Angel, who not
knowing if he was meant to bring it down or stole it from The
Boss' Pantry, momentarily left it for me to eat, that I am seriously
considering angioplasty just so I can eat it again.
your ever vigilant servant.
MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN, MY HOMETOWN, WHERE
IF YOU ASK FOR AN ESPRESSO COFFEE, THEY THINK YOU WANT IT REAL
So, here I am on the fabled Information
Superhighway. It'll be easy to recognize me; just look for the
grease spot behind the overturned big rig. Roadkill in the bread
down lane. For crum's sake you guys, I don't watch the 50 channels
I have now. The hell am I supposed to do with 500!?! You think
Americans have short attention spans today; in five years we'll
be twitching and shaking like hamsters duct taped to roto tillers.
Oh goody, goody, goody. Beavis and Butthead on Demand. Entire
Shopping Channels devoted exclusively to festively decorated portable
floss containers. The 24 hour Gum Network. Excuse me while I hitch
hike my way off the exit ramp. And if Congress really plans on
regulating this autobahn, kindly do me a favor. Make sure they
keep a lane open for us mo-peds. I got this bad feeling that the
vending machines at the rest stops are destined to be controlled
by the same four phone companies. I'm such a techno geek, I get
confused by toaster manuals. I still think a floppy disk is that
Beatles album I left under the back window of my car one summer.
So maybe some speed bumps are in order. Or how bout this: an Information
Superhighway frontage road. You guys go on ahead. Keep the traffic
flowing. I'll set up this lemonade stand at some deserted intersection
in the shade.
Will Durst is a perverted Pisces whose
favorite color is red.
NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA, WHERE SOBRIETY
AND THE ART OF SELF DISCIPLINE ARE AS ABUNDANT AS DOUBLE WIDES
Now lets get this straight. I'm a carnivore.
I like cheeseburgers. Mmm, mmm. Greasy meats slabs inside of wheat
foam covered with congealed cow juice. I'm happy. Don't get me
wrong, I respect vegetarians. I hate sproutheads. You know from
sproutheads? Severe Vegetarians? The kind of people who see "auras,
oh wow." I think people who see "auras" are experiencing
the first stages of "glaucoma, oh wow." Tofu; I try
to eat it. I do. First off, it sounds like a foot disease. And
maybe it's pyschosomatic, but 4 inches from my mouth, "unh-uh,
I'm sorry, this should come out of my body, not go into it."
Its like the missing expectorant. Should come from the crease
inside your elbow. "Oh look at that, tofu. Put that in your
miso soup and sup on it." Wine without alcohol... why? I
thought Welch's had the gig sewed up. Decaffeinated coffee? You
putz, that's why I drink it. You take the caffeine out, this liquid
is useless to me. Its hot bitter dirty water. Without the charge.
"I like the wiry buzz, its the rich flavor I could do without."
And now the new big rage is..."fiber in your diet."
Yeah pal, I get enough fiber in my diet gnawing on the twine I'm
tied to the bedpost with. But then, perhaps I'm telling you much
more than you need to know.
Will Durst is the kind of guy who sprinkles
bacon bits on ice cream sandwiche
a whole mess of days' worths
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFOERE THE BULLET
RIDDEN SHIRT OF CLYDE BARROW SOLD FOR $85,000 TO WHISKEY PETE'S
CASINO. IMAGINE WHAT RONALD REAGAN'S PRESIDENTIAL CUFF LINKS WILL
In San Francisco, our intrepid band
of supervisors has imposed a moratorium on new coffee shops in
the Castro District. This is the eighth moratorium the supervisors
imposed in the last year. One of them actually talked about a
moratorium on moratoriums. Soon, they'll address the issue of
a moratorium on even considering moratorium moratoriums, and then
voices from thirteenth century Indian warlords will whisper sage
advice concerning wormy maize to them in their sleep. The stated
logic is the neighborhood is losing essential services like dry
cleaners and hardware stores to coffee shops who outbid them for
storefronts since they can afford to pay higher rents. Dry cleaners.
Who the hell wears their clothes twice in the Castro? Let's say
you're walking down the street and feeling sluggish. What are
you going to do? Walk into a hardware store and slam your hand
with a hammer? Maybe drift into the launderers and grab a quick
huff of a chemical soaked rag? No, you're going to grab a half
caf double Latte with no foam, and who in their right mind would
want to walk a whole half block to do it? I think the supervisors
have it all wrong and every store front in San Francisco should
be required to be packing an espresso machine. We could become
"Grindland", the theme park of the skittish and fidgety
and prone to easy startlement. Take the honor away from L.A..
Will Durst thinks we could call the
415 area code: "Wound Too Tightland".
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE 26,000
EMPLOYEES OF KAISER PERMANENTE WALKED OUT ON A ONE DAY STRIKE.
AND THE SAD PART IS, NOBODY NOTICED ANY CHANGE IN SERVICE.
You know what Clinton's biggest problem
is? No, I mean besides the fact that he looks like a Burger King
manager who loves his work just a wee mite too much. His biggest
problem is he's got no "or else." Either you vote the
way he wants, or what... ? Or else he will... pepper you with
a series of substantial arguments? He does that to us all the
time; the hell have we done wrong? Or else Hillary won't invite
your mother to tea? Maybe Al Gore will cross the aisle and give
a really stern look, all the while surreptitiously spreading a
weird pollen like substance causing the outbreak of many nasty
cases of Dutch Elm Disease. Roger won't sing at your fundraiser,
and Madeliene Albright will rap the knuckles of exceptionally
recalcitrant committee chairmen with a ruler emblazoned with the
Presidential Seal. Teddy Kennedy could be put in charge of the
Indonesian contributor car pool. If all that doesn't work, he
can always pull out the big gun and coerce some reluctant cooperation
with menacing hints of a sacred vow from Jimmy Carter to personally
campaign in the home district of anybody not on enthusiastically
board the Presidential bandwagon. Maybe, Bill just read Teddy
Roosevelt's motto wrong. Its "walk softly and carry a big
stick", Bill. Big stick.
Will Durst neither has nor has seen
a big stick.
LINTON, NORTH DAKOTA, WHERE THE TIME
ZONE FOR MOUNTAIN AND CENTRAL IS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MISSOURI
RIVER. SO, THE LOCALS SAY IF NEED MORE TIME, ALL YOU GOT TO DO
IS CROSS THE RIVER.
So let me get this straight: Newt Gingrich
pays off the $300,000 fine he received from the Congressional
Ethics Committee for copping a plea on a series of ethics violations
with a loan for which he puts up no collateral and doesn't even
have to start payments for eight years. The hell is that? That's
not a loan, it's a lottery win. It's like a forger posting bail
with a third party out of state check or a counterfeiter paying
off his fine with blue cash. Clearing up an ethics violation with
a suitcase full of marked bills from a member of the tobacco lobby's
law firm should raise more questions than it answers. "How
stupid does he think we are" comes to mind as does "Why
in tarnation didn't one of us think of that?" And by the
way, at which branch of the Bob Dole Shut The Dumb Bastard Up
Thrift Services can I apply for my short term loan? The only reasonable
explanation is the note Newt signed had some fine print at the
bottom. "Signee promises to carry the luggage to and from
all campaign fundrasiers of any member of the Dole family who
chooses to run for President in the next three years." Can
you imagine how much coffee Clinton would have to drink to raise
$300,000? Probably take the poor man a week.
Dear Bob Dole: Will Durst needs a loan
LINTON, NORTH DAKOTA. A STATE WITH AROUND
600,000 PEOPLE, KNOWN AS THE PEACE GARDEN STATE. MAYBE THEY COULD
EXPORT IT TO THE MIDDLE EAST, TURN IT INTO THE PEACE GARDEN RUINS.
Clinton recently said of the process
of compromise on the budget battle "which came first, the
chicken or the egg." Yeah, right, Bill. And what is the sound
of one hand clapping. If a comedian tells a joke and no one hears
it, is it funny? Man, I grew up hating philosophical conundrums,
and those stupid tutorial aphorisms as well. My parents filled
me chock full of those little edifying witticisms. "Remember
Billy there's more than one way to skin a cat." Oh terrific
Dad, please, could you catalog them all. "Well son, you got
your traditional lengthwise, then there's without the ears, alternating
directional stripes, and in time, you can learn to do the feline
spiral... ending up with one long piece." You had to have
heard this one. "You can't have your cake and eat it too."
One question. The hell you supposed to do with it? Its cake. Its
no good for grouting bathroom tile. As a lemony hair gel, it decidedly
lacks. You can't use it as a contraceptive. Even sponge cake.
"You can't have your shed and nail it shut": now that
makes sense. My mother was unhinged about potential optic damage.
"Quit horsing around you two, you're going to put out an
eye." We're playing nerf checkers. She's knitting with 11
inch steel needles.
To this day, Will Durst carries many
emotional scars as well as a few nasty puncture wounds.
a whole damn week's worth so stop your
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE WILLIE
BROWN IS RUMORED TO BE OUR MAYOR, BUT ROVING AMBASSADOR IS MORE
LIKE IT, SINCE HE'S SPENT ABOUT FOUR DAYS HERE.
For reasons known only to him and his
best bud God, the Reverend Jerry Falwell thinks Ellen Degeneres
should be called Ellen Degenerate. Why? Because she advocates
the overthrow of Democracy as we know it? No. Because she hurts
other people on purpose? No. Because she rubs fish eggs into her
armpits before eating mashed potatoes with her fingers while riding
a unicycle naked through a children's petting zoo? No. The reason
the good Rev thinks Ellen is a degenerate is because her head
faces the other way when she has sex. I'm sure she also has the
audacity to read books, rather than Book. She probably eats sandwiches
that aren't pressed turkey breast on white bread with mayonnaise
as well. And for this she should be held up to public ridicule?
Personally, I think a clergyman who panders to the petty prejudices
of what he considers a narrow minded flock is the real degenerate.
To be perfectly honest, most of us married folks tire quickly
of people being defined by their sexual preference. Gay sex, straight
sex, sex with tiny feathered barnyard animals bound in leather
restraints, it's all the same to us; a vague half formed memory
of times past. Face it, God is an orgasm, and he/ she/ it doesn't
care how which path we take to heaven, Reverend.
Risking sounding cliched, Will Durst
says to Ellen: "You go girl!"
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE STATE
ATTORNEY GENERAL, DAN LUNDGREN IS RUNNING FOR REPUBLICAN NOMINATION
FOR GOVERNOR WITH ALL THE CHARM OF A TURKISH PRISON GUARD WITH
PRICKLY HEAT. HE IS EXPECTED TO WIN. PART ONE OF THE PARANOID
WHAT IS IT?
Take it from me. I'll give it to you
straight. Lets face it. You can cool it, freeze it, move it, squeeze
it, prove it, tease it, hold it, blow it, catch it or eat it.
But make it or break it, use it or lose it, love it or leave it,
you can't take it with you. So easy does it. Quit making a federal
case out of it. Give it a rest. Sleep on it. Keep it under your
hat. Play with it for a while, then take it to the limit. Let
it all hang out, but take it slow man, because its later than
you think, and no matter how you cut it, you can't have it both
ways. When you get right down to it, its always in the last place
you look. It's neither here nor there, it's everywhere. It's in
the air. But don't worry about it. Your biggest problem is you're
always thinking about it. Quit picking at it. Remember, the less
you know, the better it'll go for you in prison. Its just one
of those things. No one means for it to happen and you never see
it coming. One minute its fine. Its the bees knees. Its in the
proverbial bag. Then before you know it. Its over. Well, there
you have it. I hope you can handle it. Give it back when you're
Will Durst means it.
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA, HOME OF THE
STATE CAPITAL, WHERE THE REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS ACT LIKE THE
CRIPS AND THE BLOODS WITHOUT THE EXCELLENT FASHION SENSE AND THE
RESTRAINT. PART TWO OF THE PARANOID TRILOGY.
WHO ARE THEY?
Who are they? I'm getting pretty tired
of them. "You know what they say". Yeah, they say whatever
they think we want to hear. They're not like us. No, they're different
than you and me. They tell you they got it covered. They know
what they're doing. Just leave it to them. Before you know it,
they got you right where they want you. Then they look right through
you. They think of everything. They got all the right moves and
they think they're so smart. Personally, I don't like their looks.
Sure, they're cute when they're young, but when they grow up,
they're just like animals. They got friends in high places and
play from a different set of rules than you and me. Everybody
knows they don't have the sense that God gave a bucket of hair.
And what happens when they're up shit crick without a paddle?
What do they do? They come running to you, right? They can't bear
to get their precious little hands dirty. I can't figure out why
they don't just leave us alone. After all, they'd be better off
without us anyhow. Which they never tire of telling us. You know
what? They're right.
Will Durst not only knows who they are
but where they live.
RENO, NEVADA, KNOWN AS THE BIGGEST LITTLE
CITY IN AMERICA, WHERE THEY ARE AWARE THAT GAMBLING IS A TAX ON
PEOPLE BAD AT MATH.
Tiger Woods' smashing victory in the
Masters Golf Tournament is a great boom to golf, and an even bigger
one to Nike, which apparently has their swoosh stenciled on every
piece of clothing he owns. I even think I saw a glimpse of one
on the elastic waistband of his underwear when he stopped to pick
up his ball on the 13th fairway during the third round. Good timing
since the Beaverton athletic shoe company needs a public relations
victory more urgently than the Society of Pit Bull Breeders after
that nasty baby duck fiasco at their recent convention. You know
Nike is still holding damage control meetings about focus group
surveys to figure out if that whole Heaven' Gate thing was good
publicity or bad. "Well, on the one hand, the swoosh was
on the cover of everything. On the other hand, it did tend to
put a reverse spin on the whole 'just do it' thing. What we need
to do is find the new cults. Quietly. Emerging cults. Cutting
edge cults. Post grunge cults. Let's see if we can get the Gen-Xers
involved. Finally. And figure out a way where they don't die in
the end. After all, dead customers are rarely repeat customers."
Of course Reebok is reluctant to start off with a cult. They're
playing it safe, looking into sponsoring postal workers. Converse
typically refuses to rush into anything and has tentatively agreed
to outfit a pickpocket team out of Miami, then they'll see how
Will Durst is looking for a beer and
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE
BEST TIME TO VISIT IS WHEN ALL THE OTHER TOURISTS AREN'T AROUND.
WHICH MEANS WHEN YOU'RE VACATIONING IN FT. LAUDERDALE, THAT'S
WHEN YOU SHOULD BE HERE.
April 15th. The Ides of April. The day
when fiscal remorse grabs us around the neck like a spring wound
organic vise and even the most Birkenstock wearing, NPR listening,
Volvo driving liberal from Berkeley starts thinking Rush Limbaugh
may have a point. This is the day where we all secretly think
the government has to cut down on its budget, and if we're so
damn broke, we got to start acting like it. So here's a list of
* We got to cut down on expenses. Why
do we spend $10 billion a year defending Japan. From what? Godzilla?
* Do we really need all three branches
of government? How bout we lose the judiciary. If we want to throw
our future to men in gowns, let drag queens make all the important
decisions on game shows.
* Take a second job. Our new motto:
"Give Wheat For Work", or "We Give Good Wheat."
* Turn off lights. Let Congress work
in the dark. How much worse could they do?
* No more big parties. Hold state dinners
honoring foreign dignitaries at Denny's. Let them experience the
thick end of capitalism.
* Marketing. Okay, go with me on this.
"Socks The Cat" extremely limited edition tennis rackets.
* Three words: Albanian Pyramid Scheme.
* Lease the Washington Monument to Disney
and let them install free falling roller coaster inside. Rename
it "Obelisk of Death".
* How bad could a "Volvo"
sign look on Mt. Rushmore, anyway?
* Cut Presidential Perks. Make Bill
fly on ValuJet One.
* Impose A "Stupid" Tax, and
assign a collector to stand guard on Clinton, Gore, Gingrich &
Will Durst is Tiger Woods.
a wee's wort
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, A CITY WITHOUT
A MAYOR, SINCE WILLIE BROWN IS IN CHINA, POSING FOR ALL SORTS
OF PHOTO OPS WITH PRESIDENT JIANG ZEMIN. WILLIE JUST WANTS THE
NAME OF JIANG 'S TAILOR.
The number of gunshot deaths in Japan
during the year 1995 was 17. That same year, the number of gunshot
deaths in America was around 40,000. All right! We're number one.
Way to go! The rest of the world is made up of pale knife weilding
comfortable shoed wussies when it comes to weapons. Fold like
a used map in a stiff wind at the first sign of a bunny's shadow.
In Britain the cops don't even carry guns. They got sticks. Oh,
there you go. A stick is the perfect thing to scare the mucklucks
off the Russian Mafia. And there's another thing: if it weren't
for our decades of blind arms escalation, the Russian Mafia would
be digging for their dinner of mummified snow squirrel and rotting
glacial moss under the Siberian tundra with the busted handles
of Chinese made bamboo wheelbarrows. And even though we got more
guns than we know what to do with, we still don't got enough.
Our national motto should be "Guns R Us" with smoke
rising from the backwards "R". Hell, we'll sell guns
to anybody who wants them. And if they don't want them, well,
hell, they just need a little edukation, if you get my meaning.
A .45 caliber edukation.
Will Durst wants to know "who wants
a piece of me?"
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE
BULLET RIDDEN SHIRT OF CLYDE BARROW IS GOING UP FOR AUCTION AND
EXPECTED TO RAISE $35,000. JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU, DEATH SELLS.
CAN'T WAIT FOR THE JIM JONES KOOL AID PITCHER TO GO UP ON THE
Hello. How are you? How's the wife?
That's nice. We're glad. She makes an awful tasty batch of cookies.
We imagine. I know sometimes, Mr. President, it may seem to you
that we're paranoid. Gosh, why could that be? Because Newt Gingrich
just won control of Congress while you stood around with your
hand so far up your butt you could tickle your spleen with your
elbow. Could that have something to do with it, do you think?
Perhaps. I'm sure you think we here at the Democratic Party National
Committee are overly focused on money. Well, duh! Here's the deal.
We got this new guy who's so far out he makes Carville look like
the accordion player in Lawrence Welk's Band. He thinks we could
win next year if you make a few phone calls. No big deal. Couple
of calls before lunch will do it. All we need is around $50 million
worth. And a couple mil more from Stump Boy and maybe if the old
lady could grease some cookie pans... well, all we're saying is,
unless you plan on moving back into your mother's old double wide
next year, it's time to get off your big pasty white butt, Bubba.
Your good friends at the...
Democratic Party National Committee.
Will Durst got a phone call. How bout
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE
EXAMINER, KILLED AN ANTI NIKE EDITORIAL, BECAUSE IT WAS "UNFAIR".
WASN'T BECAUSE OF NIKE'S UPCOMING SPONSORSHIP OF THE EXAMINER'S
"BAY TO BREAKERS" RACE. NO. THAT ACCUSATION WOULD BE
"UNFAIR". TRUE, BUT "UNFAIR".
In the first three months of the 105th
Congress 57 separate campaign finance reform bills have been introduced.
Guess how many have a chance of actually getting passed? If you
responded with any number higher than the amount of Popes now
living who are not Polish, you are more misguided than sushi at
a ballgame, and should seriously consider a combination diet of
strained foods washed down with shots of Jagermeister. The thought
of these money sieves voting to restrict their ability to get
re-elected is less likely than bananas sprouting from the stubs
of no. 2 pencils. As a matter of fact, I came up with an extensive
list of things more likely than Congress actually enacting significant
campaign finance reform, and here it is.
WILL DURST'S LIST OF MORE LIKELY THINGS
THAN CONGRESSIONAL CAMPAIGN FINANCE
* Don King donating all his future management
fees to the Make A Wish Foundation.
* Siegfried and Roy marrying twin sisters
and settling down in Peoria, Illinois as eccentric veterinarians.
* Pauly Shore introduced as the new
correspondent on "60 Minutes".
* Al Gore receiving a charisma implant
from Richard Simmons.
* Hawaiian shirts and cutoffs replace
suits and ties as Federal Bureau of Investigation uniform du jour.
* Dennis Rodman voted "Dream Date
of the Year", by the League of American Fathers.
Will Durst attended consecutive night
games at Candlestick and has no feeling in his toes.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE
MAYOR HAS GOTTEN HIS MANICURIST BUMPED UP ON THE HOUSING AUTHORITY
WAITING LIST AND MOVED INTO A NICER APARTMENT. I BET SHE PULLED
A THORN FROM HIS PAW.
In the dead center of Golden Gate Park,
where nasty creatures run wild, the California Academy of Sciences
unveiled plans to create a $1.5 million "Hall of Invertebrates"
to celebrate those that we have come to know as denizens of the
halls of our nation's Capital, that is to say, "the spineless".
I'm thinking this honor is more overdue than glitter confetti
on January 3rd, and an auxiliary branch must be erected in Washington
as soon as possible. Conveniently, I have come up with a group
to serve as charter inductees. Tricky set-up, eh what?
Will Durst's Charter Nominees for the
D.C. "Spineless" Museum.
Bill Clinton: for standing for re-election,
the National Anthem, and little else.
Jesse Helms: who is trying to do to
art what Heaven's Gate did to their male sex drive.
Dick Gephardt: Jacob Marley Midwestern
Democrat who will stop at nothing to keep Al Gore, the human dialtone,
from winning year 2000 nomination.
Newt Gingrich: who actually said out
loud in front of people with microphones, he wanted "to get
rid of all the incentives to being poor".
And who can forget those? Sleeping under
bridges like trolls. Fighting with dogs for food. Aaah, those
were the days.
John F. Kennedy Jr: for getting married.
Working with television executives has
made Will Durst especially cynical these days.
real close to a whole week's worth
PHOENIX, ARIZONA, NOT TOO NEAR YUMA,
WHERE THE 41ST PRESIDENT, 72 YEAR OLD GEORGE BUSH, SKY DIVED FROM
A TWO ENGINE PLANE. BET HE'D LIKE TO SEE CLINTON DO THAT. WITH
OR WITHOUT A CHUTE.
For all you savvy market watchers who
regularly turn to the Durst Report for your sage financial advice,
it is now time for me to patiently but with my typical clarity
explain what happened with the Federal Reserve's recent increase
in the short term interest rate. It's bad. But not as bad as it
might have been. Oh, it could have been worse. But not by much.
More than a little perhaps. Since its been expected for so long,
most of you regular subscribers should have been anticipated it,
thus blunting it's potentially catastrophic consequences. That
is, unless you foresaw a larger increase than the quarter point
advocated by Alan Greenspan in which case you may have overextended
and may be hurting bad. Either really bad or not so bad. But not
for long, as it's expected a larger increase will be announced
soon. Not real soon, of course, unless strong growth and low unemployment
conspire to heat up the economy too fast, making it both imperative
and then again, not. A constant reassessment of your position
is integral to your portfolio's stability but it must be tempered
with a steadfastness and confidence that the market will rebound,
unless you're selling short. In which case you're screwed.
Will Durst fits into the last category.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE A THIRD
PERSON HAS QUIT THE FIVE MEMBER POLICE COMMISSION PANEL, LEAVING
IT IN A STATE OF DISARRAY AND COLLAPSE. WHICH MEANS THAT IT'S
BACK TO NORMAL. NICE TO KNOW YOU CAN COUNT ON SOME THINGS TO STAY
The mass suicide in the rented mansion
of Rancho Sante Fe by the members of the Heaven's Gate Cult is
a horrible horrible tragedy, but not without it's amusing aspects.
For instance it has been reported the first fifteen killed themselves,
then those still alive cleaned up. Then the next fifteen committed
suicide, then they were cleaned up, and another seven went and
the last two cleaned up after them, then killed themselves. Either
these are the neatest flippo units in the history of the planet,
or a very frugal flock obsessed with not losing their cleaning
deposit. Pretty much what you would expect from a computer nerd
cult. Wonder if they took their magic pocket protectors with them.
The self described monks seemed to think that the Comet Hale Bopp
hid a space ship trailing in it's tail, and all they were doing
was alien hitchiking a ride on the Starship Enterprise. The weirdest
thing was all those identical Nike shoes on the shrouded corpses.
Can see the commercial. A slow pan of the bodies, with Spike Lee
doing the voice over: "Even when the Heaven's Gate cult was
at their most paranoid. They trusted Nike. So Can You. Just Do
Will Durst think "Gotta be the
CHICO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE STATE UNIVERSITY
IS REKNOWN FOR BEING IN PLAYBOY'S TOP TEN PARTY SCHOOLS. THE PERFECT
INSTITUTION TO GO TO IF YOU WANT TO MINOR IN NAPPING.
The country is still in severe shock
over the mass suicide of the Heaven's Gate Cult, or as I like
to call them, the Applesauce Gang. Coverage by the networks can
be classified into two distinct groups. Those who went shallow
and insensitive and the others who focused on the insensitive
and shallow. One expert did say intelligent people are more succeptible
to cults, which is good news in the old Durst houselhold. Come
to think about it, not too many poor people join cults either,
except Baptists. The cult was found prepared for their trip equipped
with rolls of quarters and ID. Now, let me get this straight,
the Kevorkian Highway to the Mother Ship has a toll? And it's
correct change only? Is there a two drink minumum as well? That
must be why they all had their driver's licenses on board. Aliens
check identification. "What's your birthday? And in the Verdago
System Zodiac, that would make you a... well? Sorry, you are a
gorshin, one of the three impressinoes. Come back when you've
memorized your altered ID, you poser." You know what I think?
The leader wanted to see how far he could manipulate the group
by assigning ridiculous stuff to take with them. "Everybody
got your ID? How bout your quarters? Okay, now who doesn't have
shredded banana skins in their underwear? That's it, I've had
it with you people. Drop your shells and give me 20." This
is what happens to Trekkies with too few distractions.
Will Durst assumes Reebock is looking
to make a deal with their own cult.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE
GIANTS OPEN THEIR FORTIETH SEASON TODAY. AND THIS YEAR WILL BE
DIFFERENT. APRIL FOOL'S. YOU CAN'T MAKE STUFF UP LIKE THIS.
* China is experiencing a heavy round
of inflation and the Beijing government is plenty worried the
Chinese Yuan won't buy as many US politicians as it used to.
* Fresno State's basketball team has
been accused of shaving points which is nonsense since that would
require college athletes having a familiarity with math.
* Apple Computers announced a cutback
of 4,000 employees. Wonder if their pink slips read: "Select
File and Quit"?
* Florida released 300 felons to relieve
prison overcrowding. Normally the release of hundreds of criminals
onto the streets is known as a Congressional Recess.
* White House doctors estimate it will
be awhile before Clinton's knee is healthy enough for him to sidestep
issues with the same agility he's used to.
* Since his operation, Clinton has been
seen hobbling around Washington with the aid of a stiff wooden
prosthetic. Al Gore.
* The most frightening part of the whole
Fundgate scandal is imagining Al Gore, the human dialtone, on
* The Vatican has a webpage. I imagine
that if you click on the "hell icon" you're linked to
American OnLine. Probably could entice a few more hits with a
* In honor of the opening of the baseball
season, Jerry Falwell wants to throw out the First Amendment.
Will Durst wonders if the Chinese got
two interpreters for Newt Gingrich. One for each side of his mouth.
a week's worth but shorter
LAS VEGAS, NEVADA, WHERE THEY'RE NOT
ALL THAT INTERESTED IN HOW YOU PLAY THE GAME, BUT WHETHER YOU
WIN OR LOSE. WITH THE EMPHASIS ON THE LATTER.
I love Las Vegas. It is America. Lots
of bright sparklely lights, the veiled threat of air brushed sex
lurking around every corner and of course wads and wads of cold
hard cash publicly distributed to the unworthy, which by the apparent
definition means everybody but us. The first thing I do when I
come here is buy a ten dollar roll of quarters and throw them
right out in the middle of the Strip. Hell with it. Then I go
back about three hours later and pick up what the scavengers missed.
"All right, $2.75! Now I'm playing on their money. Now point
me to the three dollar buffet." I don't know why I even come
here. It would a lot less bother to just send them a check. Its
totally unlike Los Angeles, where your work is universally beloved
by people who don't know who you are. "Darling, have your
service service my service, we'll make eye contact. Someday."
Then you turn around and there's twelve stilletos forming a pentagon
inside a circle sticking out of your back. At least here, they're
brutally honest. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, nice hair. How much money
you got?" One time I asked a doorman how much a cab to the
airport was. He said he didn't know, then stuck his hand out for
a tip. Ain't that America.
Will Durst loves his quarter poker videos.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE
KENDALL JACKSON WINERY IS SUING GALLO BROTHERS WINERY FOR COPYING
THEIR LABEL. WAS HARD TO TELL DIFFERENCE EXCEPT ONE WINE WAS MORE
APPROPRIATE ON SALADS.
Last night was an odd little evening
spent under the tail of a comet. More impressive in theory than
in actuality. A rare astronomical triple treat featuring the Planet
Mars shining pink above the eclipsing moon while 160 degrees on
the other side of the sky, the Hale Bopp Comet strode towards
the sun like Little Richard with a flaming cape. And I remain
unimpressed. It's a dusty little smudge like thing. Looks like
a streetlamp seen out of my smoke fogged windshield from a mile
away. Or Joan Collins through a vaseline lens at a drive in on
the dark side of Alpha Centauri. I don't know about you, but I
wanted staggeringly stupendous cataclysms. Fire in the sky. Bright
noon at midnight. Simple minded God fearing Republicans cowering
on the ground with their heads shoved into mounds of manure out
of fear. Little eye numbingly white fat toad kids being sacrificed
to various angry gods. I wanted to hear screams intermingled with
the frenzied bleating of frightened yet strangely satisfied farm
animals who are turned to for a last moment of intimate passion.
What do we get? A fuzzy loose collection of fast moving ice in
a sky full of giant burning balls of gas. Whoopee. All it did
for me was make the X Files a bit spookier.
Will Durst was more fascinated with
the airplane lights coming from the approach paths at San Francisco
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE
PARKING AND TRAFFIC COMMISSIONER HAD HER DRIVER'S LICENSE YANKED
FOR NOT PAYING CHILD SUPPORT. NOT ONLY THAT, IF SHE DOESN'T PA
UP SOON, THEY'RE GOING TO BOOT HER.
Somebody help me out with this. Did
Kenneth Branagh really get nominated for an Academy Award for
his adaption of Shakespeare's "Hamlet"? He used every
word of the original text. Hell, I had as much to do with the
adaption as Sir Kenny. Where was my nomination? Probably got lost
in the mail with my special Academy sponsored plastic surgery
discount brochure. And what was Billy Bob Thornton doing on stage
at the end when producer Saul Zaentz picked up his Best Picture
award? My theory is his boots got caught in one of the holes caused
by the massive dropping of egos on the fragile Shrine Auditorium
stage. Either that or he needed a grey beard hair in the Swifty
Lazar Memorial Oscar Night Scavenger Hunt. And I'm as liberal
as the next guy, as long as the next guy isn't Charlton Heston,
but has Celine Dion ever heard of the word, slip? Or am I once
more demonstrating a typical American insensitivity to the cultural
heritage of our neighbors to the North in their indigenous desire
to look like French hookers? I loved Frances McDormand talking
about brave producers choosing actresses who fit the roles rather
than picking bankable names, when she got the part with her brother
in law directing and her husband writing. Oh, yeah, I know, she
just really nailed the audition.
Will Durst thinks Dennis Rodman really
knows how to dress. He refuses to prove it, but he knows.
seven days worth minus the two i take
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE
THRASHERS MEET THE HIPPIES WHO HANG OUT WITH THE GAYS AND THE
BEATNIKS AND THEY ALL DIS THE WEIRD LOOKING TOURISTS.
For the eighth time in 15 years, Congress
defeated a constitutional amendment to require the Federal budget
to be balanced. And now the world will end. That's it. Head for
the hills people. It's over. No balanced budget amendment. Now
we're really in for it. The end of the good old days as we know
them. You know what this means of course; the budget is going
to spiral out of control like a three eighths inch socket wrench
flung from a space shuttle without the requisite number of heat
shield tiles re-entering the atmosphere. Or worse. This time the
bad guy is Senator Robert Toreccelli of New Jersey who had the
unmitigated audacity to change his mind. And for what? Typically,
this weasel belly came up with some lame excuse about protecting
the integrity of the constitution when we all know his real reason
was to line the pockets of the rubber hip waders he characteristically
wears when on a public bilking junket with oaths and pledges of
riches and jewels from the thousands of lobbyists who are not
in favor of balanced budgets. Or those like them. Oh he's a dark
and sneaky one he. Of course the man is from New Jersey, what
can you expect.
Will Durst is from Wisconsin, and he
knows what you can expect. The best.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE
RECREATION AND PARK COMMISSION PUT OFF THEIR DECISION WHETHER
THE 30TH ANNIVERSARY SUMMER OF LOVE BE-IN CAN BE HELD ON THE POLO
FIELDS IN GOLDEN GATE PARK. PROBABLY WANT TO CHECK THE QUALITY
OF THE ACID FIRST.
Defending himself against accusations
he may have illegally raised election funds on federal property,
Bill Clinton said the opposition was trumping up charges for the
sake of "politics". Really Bill?!? "Politics"?
Are you sure? It's not for the betterment of the environment?
You don't think it's all a plot by the NBA to distract us from
the start of spring training? Even if it were, that would be "politics".
Of course it for the sake of "politics". Everything
done since 1960 including the Astroturf in the back of your pickup
has been for the sake of "politics". I doubt if you
could decide which way the toilet paper should unwind without
taking a poll first. Aren't you the guy who wrote a letter to
your draft board whining you didn't want to jeopardize your political
aspirations? If ambition were cheese, you would be Wisconsin.
Some people think your hair is a dyed trimmed cheesehead anyhow.
Alright; me. It's all "politics", and when you claim
they're out to get you for the sake of "politics", that's
"politics". To err is human, to blame it on the other
party, that's "politics". And to be perfectly honest,
one of the reasons this affair is having no impact on the public
is we have all gotten disgusted with "politics". We're
not stupid, just tired. Thank your lucky political stars.
Will Durst is different from the rest.
Tired and stupid.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE WE
ARE STARTING TO TWITCH AND SHAKE DUE TO THE COFFEE SHORTAGE. NOT
MUCH SADDER THAN THE SIGHT OF YUPPIES BEGGING FOR SEMI NEW GROUNDS
ON STREET CORNERS.
The Supreme Court has reinforced its
opinion States cannot limit the length of time members of Congress
can serve. Unfortunately for us, they were talking about terms
of elective office and not time spent in prison. Now, of course,
there is going to be wailing loud enough to wake Pete Townsend
and crocodile tears in such an abundance to drown Shawn Bradley.
Yeah. Right. These guys want term limits the same way banana slugs
want to move to the Bonneville Salt Flats. Like small town businesses
welcome the arrival of a Wal Mart. Like rickshaw drivers anticipate
transporting the competitors at the World Championship Sumo Tournament.
Trust me, no matter how much they scream about term limits they
would much rather be photographed naked under a mule at a "Junkie
Hookers for Satan" fundraiser. Its we voters who like the
idea of term limits; mainly because we think anybody who gets
too good at this stuff is going to wind up milking us dryer than
an Arizona attic in August, the same way we would, if we had half
the chance. So what we're really afraid of, is us, or them representing
us, by acting too much like us. And the scary part is we're right;
we are crooks, and we better get us thugs the hell out of there,
and quick, before we steal us blind.
Will Durst is confused.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE A GAY
BAR TOLD A STRAIGHT COUPLE THAT IF THEY WANTED TO KEEP NECKING
TO TAKE IT OUTSIDE. I GUESS TOLERANCE IS A RARE AND PRECIOUS COMMODITY
AND THEY WERE LOATHE TO WASTE IT.
In his press conference on recent revelations
that his administration used the White House as a money bag drop,
Clinton made it absolutely clear: "We didn't do anything
wrong and we promise not to do it again, and we can't recall if
and or when and or where it may have happened. Which it didn't."
Well that clears things up like a lousy decade old 8mm print of
a vampire flick at a foggy drive in theatre in the Andes with
votive candles throwing the projection. Earlier, "Soliciter-In-Chief"
Al Gore repeated seven times that he was advised there was no
"controlling legal authority" determining his fund raising
by phone campaign was wrong. Couldn't find anybody who claims
to know what "controlling legal authority" actually
means, but everybody agrees it is very impressive and possibly
the most memorable thing this guy's ever said. I don't know who
the Vice President's advisor is, but I bet he's going to end up
grocery shopping with Salman Rushdie before the cherry blossoms
bloom. Clinton won't say he never played Gore's "Dialing
for Dollars" game which either means he did and he's not
saying or he didn't and he's not saying. Got to be careful constructing
the stone wall Bill; sometimes you end up cementing your feet
to the wall.
Will Durst is pretty sure Clinton could
wriggle out of cement overshoes.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE TWO
TINY EARTHQUAKES JUST ROCKED US WITH AN EPICENTER 4 MILES AWAY.
SOMEDAY, THE BIG ONE IS GOING TO CRACK THIS STATE RIGHT OFF AND
THE REST OF THE COUNTRY WILL SLIDE INTO THE ATLANTIC.
The Nielsen ratings are under fire because
they reported a precipitous drop in viewers during the recent
sweeps period. According to their latest figures, the average
number of American households watching primetime television on
all channels fell by well over one million in February. And the
networks are taking it as well as can be expected. Stamping their
little feet and throwing tantrums in a wonderfully precise impersonations
of Nancy Kerrigan. "Why us? Why us?" The amount of money
at issue here would throw Steve Forbes into metabolic shock. Of
course it would have nothing to do with the fact they're shoving
stuff down our throats dogs in jail wouldn't watch. Gosh, guys,
why do you think nobody's watching "When Enraged Animals
Attack Homeboys in Outer Space, Asteroids Demolish America's Most
Wanted Cops"? Because the accounting system is screwed? Oh,
there you go, when America decides it would rather sit home in
the dark eating corn on the cob while picking the weird funky
white stuff from between their toes than watch Paulie Shore's
sitcom, you blame the messenger? That's right, so next time you
get slandered in the Sunday New York Times, sue the paper boy.
Embarrassingly enough, Will Durst would
audition for "When Enraged Animals Attack Homeboys in Outer
Space, Asteroids Demolish America's Most Wanted Cops" and
he wouldn't get a callback.
a pretty damn good week's worth if
i do say so myself
INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA, WHERE DAN QUAYLE,
RECEIVING AN AWARD FROM A CONSERVATIVE THINK TANK SAID "SOME
THINGS ARE RIGHT AND SOME THINGS ARE NOT", PROVING THAT WHEN
YOU GOT IT, YOU DON'T LOSE IT.
Responding to new estimates that Disney's
golden parachute for Mike Ovitz will peak out at $140 million
including stock options, employees of the Mouse are organizing
demonstrations protesting the buyout. These are not what you call
the Happiest Employees on Earth here. Understandably. To minumum
wage part timers, excuse me, cast members, without benefits, $140
million is a lot of money. We're talking 50 for every man woman
and child in America. I don't know about you, but I could use
mine to buy a paper and see how Disney's stock is doing. To put
it into sharper perspective I came up with a list of other things
you could get with that kind of money.
* One seventh of a B-2 Bomber.
* The loose change jar on Bill Gates
* 28 million man hours at the Indonesian
* 8 more murder liabilities for OJ Simpson.
* 1,560,000 months of the Disney Channel.
But not HBO.
* Dinner for two at the airport of your
* 700 million packages of ramen noodles.
* 3 tons of medicinal marijuana. Enough
to write and animate 200 straight to video sequels of "Alladin".
* Mickey Mouse watches for the entire
population of Haiti.
* 2800 nights, or 7 years, 8 months
and 4 days in the Lincoln Bedroom.
Will Durst thanks Mr. Ovitz for his
contribution to humor.
INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA, WHERE BASKETBALL
IS A RELIGION, AND IN THE THROES OF THE HIGH HOLY DAYS KNOWN AS
MARCH MADNESS, TOURISTS ARE REQUIRED TO GENUFLECT IN FRONT OF
BOBBY KNIGHT'S PHOTOGRAPH.
Before we were so rudelyinterrupted
we were talking about the things you could purchase with Mike
Ovitz's $14 million buyout from Disney. Let's get back to it,
* 15,555,000 pitchers of "Goofy"
* Barry Bonds' salary for 20 years.
* The design, construction and installation
of your own personal Martha Stewart "V" chip.
* 45 million Grand Slam Breakfasts,
not including tax & tip.....
* Robert Redford could date Demi Moore
every night for nearly five months straight.
* The Republican Congress continued
funding of public television at current levels until our sun collapses.
* A movie ticket for everyone in Idaho
who wants to see "Rosewood" and still have a hundred
and forty million left over!
* One cloned sheep for every citizen
of Arkansas to do with what they will, no questions asked.
* 7 fights with the boxer of Don King's
* George Lucas's special effects budget
for his trilogy based on "Waiting for Godot."
* 250 million giant sodas from the gas
* 3 of the same size cola drinks when
purchased in a movie theater.
* A toaster. But I mean a really nice
one, where you don't have to pry the bagels out with a bent fork.
* And finally to give you some idea
of what it would take for the average American to earn 140 millions
dollars; you'd have to walk into McDonald's and pour hot coffee
in your crotch, everyday for three weeks!
Will Durst, yeah, that's right, Will
INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA, WHERE THEY DON'T
ASCRIBE TO THE FAST PACE OF BIG CITY LIFE. HERE, ANYBODY WHO WEARS
A SUIT THAT FITS IS CONSIDERED A FANCY HUSTLER. BUT NOT IN A BAD
Now, I could be wrong. It's not like
it would be the first time. Second or third at least. Couple hundred
of tiny exponential factors superscripted in the upper right perhaps.
But it seems to me that a large part of the American Dream is
being sold out from under us faster than quarter barrels of Leinenkugel
disappear from tailgate parties at Packer games. And it seems
to be the work of large corporations who in the name of "a
global economy" have put quarterly dividends before our long
term future, since most of them are run by old white men who are
going to die before it makes that much difference. Adding insult
to injury, not only are they selling our jobs down the river,
the sons of bitches are also making us build the damn boats they're
taking off in. It seems business is played by different rules.
For instance, if basketball were played by business rules, you
would get all the points of anyone you knocked out of a game,
making Dennis Rodman the NBA's MVP. And if corporations were families,
I think they'd lobotomize their children to cut down on the maintenance.
"Poor kid, hardly goes out anymore. On the other hand, our
insurance rates have gone down drastically."
Maybe Will Durst is being too tough.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE
DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION IS GETTING RID OF THOSE LANE BUMPS,
EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE RE E FOR WAKING PEOPLE WHO START DRIFTING.
GLAD THEY WAITED TILL AFTER ST. PATRICK'S DAY.
Okay, so I'm not Bill Clinton's lawyer,
which is probably a good thing, but if I were, the lawsuits would
be flying so fast, Greg Norman would be giving midnight lessons
at retirement communities just to cover the filing fees. I'd hit
him with such a flurry of paperwork, the meteorologists in Florida
would be issuing a snow alert. The President twisted his knee
and tore a ligament while staying at the Shark's house in the
wee hours of Friday morning and early reports are he is handling
his duties pretty well considering he's all hopped up on goofballs.
Al Gore was standing by in case the Prez nodded out, but left
halfway through the operation probably to make a few phone calls
offering the used stitching thread to eager Chinese contributors.
Clinton will be a day late for the Russian Summit in Helsinki,
Finland, giving Boris Yeltsin more time to continue his highly
unusual post op self medication program which involves large amounts
of vodka, a funnel and the mother daughter trapeze act from a
local Scandinavian bear circus. No permanent damage is expected
from this accident, except Clinton won't be able to jog for six
months or so, resulting in a lighter Secret Service schedule and
a severe drop in the Pennsylvania Ave. McDonald's monthly sales.
Will Durst's handicap is his swing.
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE LOBBYISTS
ARE ALLOWED TO WALK AROUND JUST LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE. JEEZ, YOU'D
THINK WITH ALL THESE LAWMAKERS HERE, SOMETHING COULD BE DONE TO
PROTECT THE LOCALS.
I am not a young man anymore. When my
dad was my age, I had nightmares I was going to have spend large
portions of my days following him around and apologizing to clerks
and passersby for the odd noises and smells emanating from him.
"No ma'am this is not a skunk preserve. That's my dad's chair.
Yes ma'am, perhaps we'd better move upwind." Not to mention
hair. Alright, I mentioned it. There's this stuff coming out of
my ears that is to hair what the Arctic is to ice. You could cut
cheese with these things. Sometimes while walking down the street,
a particularly long one will bolt for freedom and wrap itself
around a pole nearly snapping my little head off right at the
neck. Right now, the bulk of my time is spent collecting samples
with plans to submit the wiry growths to agencies known only to
me and Fox Mulder for further testing. A large Dutch telecommunications
concern has expressed interest in researching them as replacements
for undersea fiber optic purposes. The nose hairs present problems
all their owm but I have found when properly trained can actually
create the illusion of a halfway decent mustache. It's not that
I feel old, it's just this is the oldest I've ever been.
Will Durst turns 45 today.
yeah, stop your whining, here's your
PORTLAND, OREGON, WHERE THE FORECAST
IS RAIN EVERY DAY THIS WEEK. SOMETIMES I THINK WHEN IT DOESN'T
RAIN, OREGONIANS GET EDGY. "HEY, THERE'S NO WATER IN THE
AIR. I'M NOT GOING OUT THERE."
In honor of the Scottish cloning story,
I figured I'd file the same piece I did yesterday, but I realized
the only people who might find it funny would be me. I'm not sure
I buy this sheep story anyway. Either a farmboy's wet dream or
his worst nightmare. Besides, who pays that much attention to
individual sheep? My guess is the researcher was up against a
funding wall and it came to him that no one can tell one sheep
from another except exceptionally affectionate shepherds anyhow.
But say it is true; what puts the willies down the back of my
neck like a pail of frozen worms is not the cloning per se, which
you and I will have the same access to as we now have of chugging
Tang in zero gravity. No, because I know what's going to happen.
We won't be allowed to even mention whether people are clones
or not. Or call them clones. No, The People Plus Anti Defamation
League will demand that laws be written forbidding discrimination
against their members, and furthermore, they are to receive priority
status when bidding on federal projects is let. And oh yeah, let's
not forget the whole automatic beneficiary concept. Not to mention
reciprocal conjugality. Hmm. Come to think of it, this could be
Will Durst is all for reciprocal conjugality.
PORTLAND, OREGON, WHERE PARK OFFICIALS
COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY TWO SWANS WOULDN'T MATE. THEN THEY FOUND
OUT BOTH WERE BOYS. NOW THEY'VE REMOVED ONE AND INTRODUCED A FEMALE.
ANOTHER BLOW TO SAME SEX MARRIAGES.
Bill Clinton says "the Lincoln
Bedroom was never sold". Why of course it wasn't. Would Holiday
Inn sell off their highest grossing room? I think not. How could
he have sold it, he doesn't even own it. He's a tenant for crum's
sake. The man sublet it. On a daily basis. To anybody who could
pony up fifty grand or so. What's the big deal? Are you telling
me, if, in the house your were living, there was a room that people
wanted to stay in so much they gave you piles of cash bigger than
Roseanne Barr, you'd turn them down? Yeah, right, and Stevie Wonder
knows what people are doing to his hair. Some soundproofing might
come under consideration. Maybe build a separate entrance, sure.
Hell, if it were me living in Maison Blanc, I'd advertise in the
classifieds under Bed and Breakfasts'; "large room for rent
in quaint historic DC building. Hardwood floors. View. 24 hr security.
Pool. Bowling alley. Full bath. 2 blocks from Metro. No parking.
Helicopter pad. In room coffee. HBO. Laundry privileges. Garden.
Gas kitchen. $75K per night/ obo. Utilities included. No pets.
202 456 1414. Ask for Bill. We'll leave a light on for you."
Then I'd see if I could hurry up Chelsea's imminent move to Harvard,
and call some architects in. But only if they had stayed in the
Lincoln Bedroom of course.
Will Durst would only stay if they had
CNN. Real CNN: not Headline News.
PORTLAND, OREGON, WHERE THEY HAVE OVER
100 WORDS FOR RAIN, INCLUDING "THEHELLWASTHAT", WHICH
IS A RAIN THAT COMES FROM UNDERNEATH. YOU CAN'T MAKE STUFF UP
* The President of Ecuador was impeached
for mental incompetency. Funny how things differ around the world.
Over there it's a punishable offense, while over here it's a prerequisite.
* A teenager found an error on the math
portion of the SAT exam, so all the test scores have to be evaluated
for a possible 1 point raise. For some high school athletes that
means their scores will double.
* Congress voted down term limits again,
but it will end up saving a lot of paperwork, keeping lobbyists
from having to constantly update their payrolls.
* A majority of doctors are in favor
of medicinal marijuana. I imagine it's not the therapeutic results
they like as much as when patients receive the bill and giggle.
* Clinton says he's serious about trying
to improve math scores, asking questions like: "what do you
get when you add $20,000 TO $30,000?" The answer is "a
night in the Lincoln Bedroom."
* The Russian Communist Party has launched
a website, but it's not attracting much attention. People must
be leery about hitting "return".
* Westinghouse has announced not only
will the CBS eye remain the network's logo, unlike the audience,
it will remain open.
* Now veterinarians are recommending
sun block for dog's noses. I guess the easiest way to apply it
would be to rub their butts in it.
Will Durst thinks if you're not confused,
you're not paying attention.
PORTLAND, OREGON, WHICH IS KNOWN AS
THE ROSE CITY AND THE CITY THAT WORKS, BUT FOR SOME REASON, NOT
AS THE CITY FRAGILEY HELD TOGETHER BY MILDEW AS IT SHOULD BE.
"Everyone does it, and we all want
it to be changed, but until it is, we'll play by the rules set
up. After all we didn't break any laws. Just bent them till they
looked like a pretzel pulled through a wringer with a vise grip."
Sounds just like the Republicans only a couple of weeks ago talking
about Newt Gingrich. But now they're the ones crying skunk just
because Clinton may or may not have tried to sell the sheets right
out of the Lincoln Bedroom. Isn't there at least a couple of month
grace period before parties can sling the same mud they just scraped
off their own backsides? Thank God nobody discovered the missing
catalogue the Democratic National Committee sent out to fundraisers.
DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL COMMITTEE FUN WITH
BILL AND HILL CATALOGUE
Ride On Air Force One $25,000
Ride On Air Force One (Vegetarian Meal)
Night In Lincoln Bedroom $50,000
Night In Rose Garden $3,500
Night In Rose Garden (Tent) $4,000
Night In Rose Garden (Tent and Tipper)
Jogging With Bill (Bill Wins) $5,000
Jogging With Bill (You Win) $10,000
Coffee With Bill $7,500
Milk With Socks $2,000
Feeding Socks $1,000
Feeding Roger $100
Birthday Party In East Room $4,500
Birthday Party In East Room (Stephanopolous
In Smurf Costume) $5,000
Tai Chi With Al Gore $3,000
Date With Chelsea $10,000
Date With Harold Ickes $150
Slow Dance With Harold Ickes $250
Will Durst want Tai Chi with Harold
Ickes. That costs more.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE
BIKE MESSENGERS ARE TALKING ABOUT FORMING A UNION. THEY FEEL THEY
ARE RISKING THEIR LIVES FOR LOW PAY AND NO BENEFITS. MIGHT AS
WELL BE COMICS.
Now this whole muckraking thing has
totally gone too far. They're saying Al Gore may have had his
hand up the tainted soliciting fund skirt all the way to the elbow.
The Washington Post, which is to muckraking what Michael Jackson
is to freakish pop singers fond of skin bleaching, said Gore raised
$40 million for the DNC during the 1996 campaign, which is so
illegal, chuckles were heard leaking out of Nixon's grave. Say
it isn't so Al. Can't be. Not our Al. If this is true, then all
of America is doomed to a future bleaker than a Christmas Eve
Redeye middle seat in coach between two caffeine addled Saskatchewan
manure farmers on the way to Vegas. Al Gore is supposed to be
cleaner than a houndstooth after dental surgery. That's his job.
He's as pure as Nepalese air. This guy is so straight the guys
running the Atomic Clock call him for corrections. Next you'll
be telling me Pollyanna hooked on the side. That Mother Teresa's
recent hospitalization was not really due to heart failure but
rather injuries suffered in a knife fight with a disgruntled orphan
outraged at being gouged for watered down opium. As goes Al Gore,
so goes the moral spine of America. Of course, when I put it that
way, suddenly it all makes sense.
Will Durst wants an independent counsel
to investigate Mother Teresa.
30 SECOND MYSTERIES
Minutes after the reading of his mother's
will, Roberts was dead. So was his wife, his mistress, the butler
and the guy who followed him around with the solar powered satellite
dish in the little red wagon. And his dog didn't look too good
either. They all had weird spatula scars on their foreheads which
made me suspect the cook. Good thought. Bad timing. She had me
arched over the fourth floor balcony railing with the razor sharp
spatula dripping bloody at my neck. "But what about the scars?"
She slapped me fast on the forehead. "Oh. Oww." "Yes.
Always stupid questions." "Just tell me one thing. Why?"
She slapped me again. "Everybody asks same stupid question.
Finally I will answer. Because she left me out of will. I was
her daughter. And her sister. And..." "But she didn't
leave you out. You got ten million. Didn't you hear that part?"
"Oh. Well, I did duck out for a cigarette..."
As the cab entered a tunnel we played
footsy the rest of the way to her penthouse in the Missile Building.
I had let her pick me up in the Hot Dog Gallery at the donut exhibit.
While she made Hi-balls, her hall closet shelf revealed twenty
Thirteenth Century Provence Vases with little red silos along
the rim. Exact replicas of the one she had ripped off from the
museum. Collectors were loathe to complain the stolen antiquity
they spent 200 grand for was bogus, and she had squirreled away
millions. I walked over and kissed her hard. My hand wandered
south, where I found something unexpected. It seemed nothing about
her was as it seemed. Tonight was going to be... interesting.
a whole week's worth buddy
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHOSE STATE
BOARD OF EQUALIZATION JUST DECLARED ATM'S PERSONAL PROPERTY, SAVING
THE BANKING INDUSTRY MILLIONS IN TAXES. THE CHANCE OF THE PUBLIC
SEEING ANY OF THAT MONEY IS EQUAL TO CIGARETTES BEING SOLD DOOR
TO DOOR BY GIRLSCOUTS.
Happy National Asteroid Awareness week
everybody! You've probably seen the fabulous NBC miniseries, of
which internal promotions cried: "Critics call it 'Unbelievable!'"
You can't make stuff up like this. God, the special effects were
so cheesy, I'm surprised they didn't fed ex a box of crackers
to every home in America to watch it with. Then the recent announcement
by scientists citing evidence that a gargantuan asteroid (bigger
than Rush Limbaugh's caftan) slammed into the Gulf of Mexico 65
million years ago, and ended life as the Dinosaurs knew it. So
to keep that from happening again, the widespread panic and all,
we here at Team Durst, as a public service, hereby present to
you the wary public, important major asteroid warning signs which
various eminent scientists have proclaimed as useless.
* Fiery hail the size of small dogs
crushes roof on cloudless day.
* Fast approaching shadow which gets
bigger really quick, and your brother in law is still at work.
* Looting by priests.
* Radium dial watch blows up on wrist.
* Alexander Haig comes on television
to announce "I'm in control."
* Meter maids do not stop to write parking
tickets. Whole fleet of Cushmans tearing ass out of town. * Psychic
Friends Network originates from abandoned missile silo.
Will Durst thinks an oil field is a
bad place to hang during an asteroid attack.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE LAST
YEAR'S TOURISM FIGURES WERE THE HIGHEST EVER. MAYBE WE SHOULD
TURN THE TOWN INTO A THEME PARK AND ALL OF US CAN BE RIDES. I
WANNA BE THE CRANKY BEER DRINKING PICNICKER LISTENING TO A BALL
GAME IN GOLDEN GATE PARK LEANING AGAINST A TREE.
Deng Xiaoping, China's paramount leader
died Wednesday. This announcement came after several years of
rumors that his health had deteriorated to the point where grubs
and small pin worms were shining his bones to a smooth glossy
finish under ground. He had last been seen in public three years
ago, but government sources insisted this was simply because he
was shy. The announcement gave his age as 93, although his birthday
is known to be August 22, 1904, which to Western eyes would leave
him six months and two days short of 93, but in China, paramount
leaders can have their ages rounded up, but only if they want
to. Deng will be remembered for dragging China kicking and screaming
into the 19th Century and for dragging and kicking anyone who
disagreed with him until they stopped screaming. His death is
expected to sharpen the political maneuvering for power that has
intensified behind the scenes among China's other feisty octogenarian
leaders, perhaps culminating in the age old traditional winner
takes all arm wrestling round robin. Analysts predict little unrest
will greet the change in leadership unless civil war breaks out.
In keeping with the new spirit of a unfettered press that Mr.
Deng ushered in, requests for information regarding his funeral
arrangements were met with a quizzical "Who?"
Will Durst wants to be an analyst.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THREE
WEEKS LATER THEY ARE STILL STANDING IN LINE FOR THE REISSUE OF
"STAR WARS". AND NEXT WEEK, RUMOR HAS IT, BOOK STORES
ARE GOING TO HAVE COPIES OF "MOBY DICK" AVAILABLE.
In front of a state Senate committee,
the top regulator of California's banking industry testified that
charging consumers ATM fees was neceessary to keep banks profitable.
Some banks charge $1.50 for transactions by non customers and
$2.00 for their own customers using other banks' ATM's. Also,
there are 50 cent fees for talking nasty behind an ATM's back.
Conrad Hewitt, a Pete Wilson appointee, which is like saying,
the lint that keeps the coins in the Banking Industry pocket from
jangling together too loudly, told the Senate, "ATM charges
are convenience fees". Aww, isn't that sweet. They're really
just thinking about us. It's only for our convenience they're
ripping us giant holes the size of the Death Star in our wallets.
Well thank you thank you thank you, Mr. Bank, but I think you
forgot one eensie weensie little thing. IT'S MY MONEY. I'm letting
you guys hang on to it and then you invest and lend it out and
make your money that way. Remember? In March 1996, Consumer Reports
found over 100 different charges and fees imposed by banks. I
certainly hope they start to lose interest in my convenience pretty
soon or I'm going to end up broke. Somebody contact the feds.
I think they have those closed circuit cameras pointed in the
Will Durst hopes the banks don't lose
too much money, otherwise they'll have to start stocking beef
sticks and porno mags like real convenience stores.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE A STUDY
SAYS THE AVERAGE COST OF CONGESTION PER COMMUTING DRIVER IS $950.
OF COURSE THAT'S NOT EVEN INCLUDING THE PRICE OF PROZAC.
So the deal is, former Heavyweight Champion
of the world Riddick Bowe couldn't cut it in the Marines. Lasted
eleven days in boot camp before he was "allowed to withdraw"
from Parris Island, South Carolina, because "he had problems
with the corps' regimented lifestyle." Yeah, right, we all
know that's bull. He was just sick and tired of drill instructors
asking him for his autograph, and younger smaller recruits begging
him to eat their dessert. Maybe the guy should have started easy
and tried the Citadel first. Shannon Faulkner lasted longer than
he did, and as far as we know, Riddick didn't have his shirt set
on fire with nail polish remover. The toughest part is going to
be when he tries to get back in the ring. You know that other
boxers are going to mock and scoff and taunt. At least the ones
who can remember to punch and talk at the same time, which is
not a whole mess of them. I can see Mike Tyson in his high pitched
squeak telling him to "get down and give me infinity".
Andrew Golata trying to do the same, although I'm not sure Riddick
Bowe will be able to understand anything over the screams of pain
from his groin being pummeled. I guess his Marine motto will be
Will Durst was never a Marine, but he
was a jar head.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE
WINDS KICKED UP TO HURRICANE LEVEL TODAY, WHICH SURPRISED THE
HECK OUT OF ME. I DIDN'T KNOW THE SUPERVISORS WERE BACK IN SESSION
AT CITY HALL.
Ian Wilmut, a British researcher working
at the Roslin Institute in Midlothian, Scotland, cloned a sheep
the other day, and people are flipping out like their morning
coffee was spiked with major doses of primo Owsley acid. The purple
kind. If you can clone a sheep, then all sorts of ethical questions
lie in wait right around various similar looking corners, not
the least of which is; will society be better off with hundreds
of Heather Lockyears littering Hollywood Boulevard? And what happens
when the industry is flooded with cheap fly by night Cloning Clinics
producing substandard clones, like Xeroxes without any toner?
Imagine the streets full of Heather Lockyear clones who weren't
smart enough to dye their hair and get their teeth fixed. Frightening,
isn't it? A Presidential advisory board on bioethics is going
to push cloning to the top of its agenda, which means President
Clinton has finally found a way to beat that tricky 22nd Amendment
and figured out a way to succeed himself. The good news is you
can't clone from dead cells, so Hitler is off the board along
with Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan. Unfortunately, that still
leaves Bill Gates eligible as a donor. Can't wait for Windows
2000. Probably comes with cloning capability. And is still won't
work as well as a Mac.
Will Durst is a clone daddy wannabe.
a week's worth minus the holiday
BLOOMINGTON, MINNESOTA, HOME OF THE
GREAT MALL OF AMERICA, WHERE AMON4 MILLION SQUARE FEET, THEY GOT
FOUR SUNGLASS HUTS AND ONE BOOK STORE. GUESS SHOPPERS ARE MORE
WORRIED ABOUT UV THAN IQ.
Saw "Blazing Saddles" on the
tube the other day, and besides it being much funnier than I remember,
I noticed an interesting phenomenona. The local station I watched
it on bleeped all the noise out of the fart scene but kept in
the "nigger" and "faggot" references. This
made me so mad I started spitting and sputtering like my saliva
glands were hooked up to individual pneumatic air hoses. Okay,
so here's the new deal. Anything the body does naturally and yes,
I'm talking about how babies are made and the excess fluids, solids
and gasses, which escape so we don't bloat up and explode like
beached whale carcasses is no longer obscene. But a person using
a word to belittle another in someone else's eyes: is. Using words
like "honor" to defend warfare when its really all about
money is obscene. Farts aren't. Got that? You know what's obscene:
Mike Ovitz getting $140 million as a golden parachute while not
two miles from Disney Studios senior citizens are clipping coupons
for Tender Vittles. A Governor trying to keep kids from getting
medical assistance because they're the wrong color. The same man
who took the money from the First Time Home Buyers Fund and used
it to give tax breaks to oil companies. That's obscene. Not noises.
Unless its "Ka- Ching!" Let's try it out.
Will Durst got serious there. Sorry.
MALL OF AMERICA, MINNESOTA, WHERE TODAY
IN THE BIG ROTUNDA, A GROUP OF SQUARE DANCERS WERE DOING THE MACARENA.
IT WAS LIKE SEEING MAYONNAISE ON A TORTILLA.
It's so silly for people to continually
apologize for the weather when you come up here. No need. For
us Californians, this thirty below with the wind chill stuff is
like visiting a Winter Theme Park. It's TundraLand. Where the
snow and the ice and the slush are fabulous scenic designs and
hey it's only a week. Besides, the rides are a blast.
* The Walk Outside And Feel Your Nose
Hairs Stiffen Into Icicles Main Street.
* The Black Ice Sideways Off The Road
Into A Snowbound Ditch Derby.
* The Use The Ice Scraper On The Inside
Of Your Windshield Surprise.
* The Heat Your Key With A Cigarette
Lighter So You Can Open Your Car Lock Before Your Hands Crack
Off With Frostbite Race.
* The Looks Like Ice But Its Really
A Foot Deep Pothole Of Freezing Water Foot Bath.
* The Multiple 360 Degree Parking Lot
* The Wading Through Foot Deep Snow
Until The Dye From Your Jeans Stains Your Legs Blue Jog.
* The AAA Battery Charging Wait On The
Side Of Freeway 3 AM Dance.
* The Frozen Sidewalk Coccyx Busting
Slip and Slide. * The Blizzard White Out 10 MPH One Lane Freeway
Will Durst wants it to be known that
having grown up in this weather he is used to it, and it's one of the reasons
MALL OF AMERICA, MINNESOTA, WHERE 95
COUPLES ARE GETTING MARRIED TODAY IN THE ROTUNDA TO CELEBRATE
VALENTINE'S DAY. GROUP NUPTIALS NEXT TO A HICKORY FARMS. AND THE
GOOD PART IS, THEY'VE ONLY JUST BEGUN.
Now the People's Republic of China has
links to suspicious campaign contributions to the Democratic National
Committee. Oh, there you go. Clinton needs to hear this the same
way a three legged fox needs to hear the horn sounding the start
of the hunt. Might want to get an early start on those memoirs,
Bill. The Chinese for crum's sake. Next thing you know, they're
going to uncover a contribution to the President's Re Election
Committee in the form of a personal check from Saddam Hussein,
with "furry hugs and sloppy kisses" on the memo line
and a little heart dotting the "i". You know who I blame?
Bob Dole. All this late money showed up mostly because the election
was like slam dunking from a stepladder. If Dole had managed to
keep the race a little closer, everybody would have hedged their
bets. Your average lobbyist may be dumber than a dump truck load
of squirrel hair but if he hasn't learned to throw money at a
winner he not only has to clean the employee rest room he also
gets the ceremonial tassels ripped right off his loafers. In the
wake of this, I wonder who Clinton is going to give toilet detail
to. Probably Janet Reno.
Will Durst would love to be in the room
to hear that assignment.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE KIDS
ARE SOAKING RAGS AND HUFFING OCTANE BOOSTER, AND SOME MERCHANTS
HAVE RAISED THE PRICE DUE TO DEMAND. THESE GUYS SHOULD BE PROSECUTED
AS WAR CRIMINALS.
According to a press release, Independent
counsel Kenneth Starr has accepted the position of Dean of Law
at Pepperdine University in Malibu. I like the way they use the
term "accepted". He probably pounced on it like a starving
mountain lion on a discarded chicken wing in a bankrupt Safari
Park. After spending three years in Arkansas, I imagine I'd be
ready for some surf time myself. Hell, after three years in Arkansas
Ted Kascynski's Montana shack would double as a South Sea island
beach cabana. His imminent move has jump started rumors that either
he's about to announce a big round of indictments, or he's not.
The Arkansas Democrat- Gazette reported he's held 4 mock trials;
2 in Little Rock and 2 in Washington, in which Bill & Hillary
were charged with two counts of perjury and obstruction of justice.
And the mock jurors acquitted them each time. Starr and his staff
are reportedly reworking their cases based on both these trials
and some of the early Dilbert cartoons. But the conventional wisdom
is Starr is a determined man who will never be satisfied until
he's racked up enough overtime to purchase property near his new
University post. Shouldn't be much longer.
All Will Durst hopes is this Whitewater
thing doesn't deteriorate into a witch hunt. At least not until
after we've finished with the vampire hunt.
Hey, everybody, they're back!
30 SECOND MYSTERIES
TAKE TWO IN THE MORNING THEN CALL ME
AT THE MORGUE
The favorite went down after the first
pole a little suddenly for my taste. The Racing Boards' as well,
judging from the inquiry. The jockey himself wasn't worried about
suspension due a slight case of broken neck. Late that night,
I found the briefcase of the winning horse's trainer behind the
silks rack in the locker room. It held 200 Grand and 5 gelatin
horse capsules with tiny black widow spiders secreted inside.
I still had one in my hand when the cold barrel of a gun straightened
me from behind. "The briefcase, please." The gelatin
started melting in my hand. I tossed the bag to his right and
when he turned to grab it, I dropped the capsule on the acrylic
orange shag rug he passed off as hair. His scream echoed through
the catacombs about a minute later. First I picked up the $600
I had lost on the race. Then I called 911. Or was it 411?
Racing the sowmobile down the maintenance
vehicle road was like being shot out of a giant blender on a lump
of Frozen Daquiri. Only loud. And usually other lumps of daquiri
don't shoot at you. I couldn't tell if the seven foot albino was
missing me with his cannon on purpose or if he thought he'd splinter
a tree into my path and then sing me to my rest with his boots.
I kept snapping back low hanging branches but he dodged and bounced
like a helium balloon in a drafty ceiling fan shop. Running out
of gas, I tore up a deep powder rescue path leading to the slalom
course, angling just past a fence post ducking under the barbed
wire at the last moment. Whitey tried the same manuever, but couldn't
quite scrunch down far enough in the cramped machine. I stopped
and watched a surprised racer stab something red and round with
his pole and miss the next three gates.
a short week's worth
but hey last week
you got more than you deserved
LAS VEGAS, NEVADA, WHERE YOU SEE LITTLE
OLD LADIES THROWING FORTY DOLLARS IN THE QUARTER SLOTS WHILE WAITING
IN LINE FOR THE THREE DOLLAR BUFFET.
Okay, so I'll admit I wasn't watching
real close last night, and the coverage did seem confusing, however,
I'm pretty sure I got a handle on the night's proceedings. Following
a brisk walk from the Shutters Hotel in Santa Monica, Fred Goldman
presented his State of the Union address, while Bill Clinton,
after being found not "guilty" but rather liable, for
Pamela Harriman's stoke, went out for ice cream with Oklahoma
Representative J.C. Watts, at the very same time OJ Simpson was
giving the Republican response during an earthquake in Peru. It
was an interesting sweeps month exercise watching the networks
do the ratings shuffle, switching between the green vegetables
and the candy. The spinach being a surprisingly focused message
from the President on education, and the bag of melted gummy bears,
of course, another in a series of false endings of an LA civil
trial whose bizarre twists and turns would have the writers of
"Xena: Warrior Princess" chuckling and shaking their
heads in flabbergasted bemusement. News directors will spout the
official line "We're only giving the people what they want"
and maybe they're right. But aren't we supposed to finish our
vegetables before we get desert? Both of them would probably taste
better seperately than the spinach gummy bear stew we just got
Will Durst prefers the sour gummy bears
LAS VEGAS, NEVADA, WHERE THE ONLY THINGS
MORE FRIGHTENING THAN THE CASINO CARPETING IS THE PURPLE EYE SHADOW
ON THE BLACKJACK DEALERS.
"I love you but I'm going to have
to kill you." Abraham proved his love for God by agreeing
to kill his own kid. In Vietnam, in order to liberate a village
first we had to destroy it. We call the MX missile, "The
Peacekeeper." A multiple warhead hydrogen bomb called the
peacekeeper? The hell do we call a sledgehammer, a finger massage?
Is napalm now dry skin remover? Lets be consistent. "Don't
think of it as mustard gas; its a really strong antihistamine,
that's all." And now Clinton's selling advanced weapons to
Latin American countries to "help maintain the fragile peace."
What are we here: Globocop? The friendly neighborhood 5 time zones
wide arms store. We sell weapons to anybody with a halfway viable
ATM card. Even if we could, lost civilizations wearing open loincloths.
Now there's a General's dream; a fighting force than can squat,
squeeze and shoot all at the same time. Gives a whole new meaning
to the phrase "cut and run". And let's not forget our
other major export, those wacky military advisors. The hell does
a military advisor do? "No, no, don't farm, shoot!"
Did you ever notice whenever the military goes in to restore order,
a lot of civilians end up dying. I think I figured out why. Its
because the dead are so good at following orders. Especially the
simple ones like, "Lie down and quit thinking." Or maybe
we just express our love in non traditional ways. Bringing people
closer to their God. Quicker too.
Will Durst thinks Vegas affects him
LAS VEGAS, NEVADA, WHERE THE RECENTLY
OPENED NEW YORK, NEW YORK CASINO IS SO AUTHENTIC, YOU EXPECT THE
DESK CLERKS TO GREET YOU WITH A HEARTY "YO, WHAT DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE YOU LOOKING AT?" YOU CAN'T MAKE STUFF UP LIKE THIS.
* Now, Michael Jackson wants to move
to Scotland. I'm not sure this guy should be allowed to move to
a country where little boys wear skirts.
* Sarah Fergusen has signed a contract
to be spokesperson for Weight Watchers, based apparently on her
experience of shedding the dead weight of English Royalty.
* America On Line is being sued by a
group of subscribers since it instituted its new $19.95 a month
for unlimited busy signals.
* Anheuser Busch dropped the Budweiser
frogs after complaints that the ad campaign appealed to children.
I suppose they're going to be replaced by a rag tag mob of tiny
* They moved the State of the Union
address from February 5th, to February 4th so it wouldn't interfere
with the Miss Universe Pageant. I guess they're afraid America
wouldn't be satisfied watching just one boob.
* Noted scientists claim the universe
will disintegrate in 30 billion years. Which obviously won't affect
most of us. Except those still hanging on for AOL technical support.
* A book of Hillary Clinton quotes is
due soon. Don't know what the title will be: "It Takes A
Subpoena." or "The Shredder is Mightier Than The Sword"
are my suggestions.
Will Durst says it is better to lose
the American Comedy Awards for a seventh time than not to.
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA, WHERE NEWS OF
THE DISCOVERY OF ICE ON THE MOON IS VIEWED AS PRETTY UNREMARKABLE
EXCEPT FOR TRAVEL AGENTS TO WHOM ITS A WARM ALTERNATIVE VACATION
During the NBA's All Star Weekend, the
East beat the West 132 to 120, Steve Kerr beat defending champ
Tim Legler in the Long Range Shootout, Kobe Bryant cruised through
the Slam Dunk Contest, and Dennis Rodman easily handled all comers
in the Evening Gown Competition. No, no, no. Dennis didn't even
show up in Cleveland, spending his time training in Las Vegas
during his 11 game suspension for kicking a cameraman in the groin,
in what has to be the first suspension in NBA history for a measly
loose ball foul. The Bad Boy of Basketball is expected to appeal
his fine, citing discrimination since he's the only professional
athlete to dress as a woman. He also agreed to pay the cameraman
$200,000 in an out of court settlement, which considering his
salary is like a tip at a Denny's to us. Too bad Liberace isn't
around for the spectacle that is Dennis Rodman. "I'm sorry,
but this young man is just too too much for this old queen to
take." You know what, the NBA deserves Rodman. With their
recent utter emphasis on marketing, they made him. Kind of a Transexual
Frankenstein's Monster who outed his creator. "Show me the
money." You would have thought the NBA had thought up this
Will Durst thinks Dennis Rodman is a
role model. For Rocky Horor Picture Show graduates.
so much more than just a simple week's
NEW YORK, NEW YORK, WHERE THE CITY INSTALLED
A FIRE HYDRANT RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A BRONX STREET. AND NEXT
WEEK THEY PLAN ON PUTTING GARBAGE CANS ON TOP OF THE LAMP POSTS.
Super Bowl XXXI Weekend in New Orleans
consists of about 200 officially sanctioned events including the
Legends Bowl and the Super Bowl XXXI Bicycle Safety Rodeo. Some
of the events on the unofficial schedule are:
* The Jimmy Johnson Hurricane Hair Hold.
This winner take all event sponsored by Clairol consists of ordinary
fans whose hairdo be perfect after a half hour behind the exhaust
of a Boeing 747's jet engine.
* The Bill Walsh River Walk. A fan favorite.
Here Bill Walsh throws souvenir footballs to the multitudes while
walking on the Mississippi River.
* The Art Modell Tribute. A fun filled
bonfire where participants throw pieces of Cleveland's Municipal
Stadium at effigies of Art Modell. The finalists get to use the
real Art Modell as a target.
* The Joe Theisman Me-Athon. An event
that challenges the public to make as many references to themselves
and their careers during a 15 second slow motion replay.
* The Howie Long Neck Hunt. Here, contestants
scour the 504 area code for shirts with collars that would fit
Howie Long's neck, so he doesn't have to wear those fruity turtlenecks
* The Michael Irwin Obstacle Course.
In this event fans are required to have a drink in every bar and
topless joint in the French Quarter yet still express outrage
when questioned by authorities about the weird stains and bruises.
* The George Seifert Trash Toss. A scavenger
hunt where locals scrounge through garbage cans and dumpsters
in search of the most valuable item thrown away for no apparent
Will Durst thinks the Pack is indeed
back and is willing to give up the two touchdowns. Who wants a
piece of me?
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE
ENTIRE MIDDLE CLASS IS RUNNING AROUND TRYING TO BUY HOUSES IN
THE $300,000 RANGE, AND WONDERING WHY THEY'RE SO TIRED.
The Green Bay Packers are our new America's
Team. Part of the reason is because the former holders of that
title, the Dallas Cowboys, have morphed before our very eyes into
South America's team. These guys are such thugs, junkie bikers
are reluctant to party with them. "Who's in charge of security?"
The other part of the reason is the Packers are literally owned
by the small Wisconsin town and this has woven a whole 1930's
fairy tale quality around it. We're talking Civic Pride so far
off the Richter scale it threatens sensitive seismological readings
in subterranean Japanese caves. If Jimmy Stewart isn't mayor,
he should be, and married to June Allyson to boot. So what does
Hollywood try to do in the face of such unspoiled innocence? You
got it; they are engaging in chiropractic nightmares attempting
to figure out a way to market this midwestern purity to make a
buck off of it. "I got it, Vince Lombardi goes to Vegas with
a briefcase full of heroin!" Don't let them fool you: when
you visit, not everything will be in sepia tones. They have bars
and gangs and the normal American share of the byproducts of capitalism,
just on a smaller scale. And yes, they have the Packers, and that's
about it, buddy. Of course they're all Packer fans. It's either
that or smelt fishing. In December. Think about it.
Will Durst is all in favor of unsophisticated
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, JUST ACROSS
THE BAY FROM OAKLAND WHERE THE 510 BASEBALL TEAM, THE ATHLETICS,
HAVE JUST REGAINED THE SERVICES OF JOSE CANSECO. NOW, LOCAL SEISMOGRAPHS
WILL HAVE TO BE READJUSTED TO ACCOUNT FOR REGULAR DROPS OF THE
These days you aren't who you are, but
more precisely who you aren't. The current vogue of better living
through insufferable self awareness mandates that a person loudly
define themselves by what ugly horrible vices they either don't
do, don't do anymore or can no longer do because they've fried
their synapses into tiny frayed burnt threads waving randomly
like tissue paper in a wind tunnel. So time your leap onto the
trendy treadmill with me as I regale you with the exact lowdown
on who I ain't. Try to keep up, will you?
* I never smoke in the shower. Okay,
once; but the rent a cop turned me in.
* Beer is not food. I know that. But
it does have many of the same properties as bread.
* Everybody has a personal line. I draw
mine at veal and fur. I won't wear veal and I refuse to eat fur.
* I forbid people around me to make
disparaging comments concerning the attire of doormen.
* I no longer lie about my middle name.
* Rainy days and Mondays always get
me down. I have learned to deal with it.
* Personally, I have come to realize,
that for me, one Pamela Anderson Lee movie is too many and 1000
Pamela Anderson Lee movies are not enough.
Will Durst knows this is all very heady
stuff and believes in taking his emotional coming out, one day
at a time.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE
FOG HAS BEEN CAUSING HUNDREDS OF FENDERS BENDERS. EVER WONDER
IF THE AUTO BODY GUYS SECRETLY CONSTRUCTED THIS HUGE FOG MACHINE
JUST UNDER THE CLIFFS? WORTH CHECKING OUT.
Now let me get this straight: Pat Boone,
the guy who's so white, the Ku Klux Klan is wary of him, has decided
his future in Rock and Roll lies in heavy metal? The guy has wigged
out to the point where a group of large men should be invited
to introduce him to the jacket with the extra long sleeves. He's
released an album of metal covers called "No More Mr. Nice
Guy", and showed up at the American Music Awards wearing
a leather vest over a bare chest festooned with tattoos, although
I'm sure they were stick-ons proclaiming "Born To Raise Heck."
You can't make stuff up like this. What's next? His daughter Debbie
Boone, jumping to the Death Row label shacking up with two of
the Ices: T and Cube? AC-DC attempting a comeback with a series
of Andre Kostelantos easy listening faves? Peggy Lee releasing
a boxed set of the entire Butthole Surfer catalogue? Wayne Newton
Sings Nirvana? Johnny Cash wearing pink? Living in San Francisco,
I am often visually accosted by ex hippies growing old with the
sublime grace of above ground concrete bomb shelters, but someone
has to tell Mr. Boone his only place in heavy metal lies in operating
the Metamucil concession at Kiss concerts.
Will Durst already has the Depends stand
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE A 1600
POUND KODIAK BEAR GOT FOUR ROOT CANALS AND A NOSE POLYP REMOVED.
PRETTY SAD WHEN A BEAR HAS BETTER MEDICAL COVERAGE THAN ME.
Here's the problem. No one thinks he's
the bad guy. In Texas, believers see the image of the Virgin Mary
reflected in the hood of a Camaro. The car's owner knows its parked
under a berry tree that gives squirrels the runs. Who's the bad
guy, here? The State of Michigan views Dr. Kevorkian as a lawless
butcher with the moral standards of a hormonally imbalanced rhesus
monkey. His patients, however, see him as an angel of mercy delivering
them from a life of unimagined misery spent posing as British
tourists in Florida. Nobody thinks he's the bad guy. They're not
crazy, just eccentric. I'm sure even serial killers fancy themselves
as unattached deputy demons. Or pro bono apprentice mercenaries.
Its just perspective. You and I see a ruthless drive by shooting.
The shooters simply see themselves as enforcing an extremely strict
non competition policy. Not only does nobody think they're the
bad guy, they perceive themselves as the misunderstood good guys;
lovable rogues. We're all heroes in our own little movies. Nobody
wakes up, looks in the mirror and wonders how deep of a reeking
heap of steaming feces they can lay today. Especially those with
shag carpeting. Nobody thinks he's the bad guy. Not even Newt
Gingrich. Of course he's wrong.
Will Durst is the bad guy.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE HERB
CAEN DIED AFTER A FIFTY YEAR CAREER OF WRITING LOVE POEMS TO THE
CITY BY BAY. NEVER AGAIN WILL ANY CITY HAVE A MORE ARDENT OR ARTICULATE
SUITOR. HE IS MISSED.
The Clinton Administration acknowledged
that a lack of background checks allowed a felon with possible
ties to the Bonanno organized crime family to attend a Democratic
coffee at the White House. Big deal. This incendiary accusation
has been twisted all out of proportion for purely partisan purposes
by the conservative elite right wing media. For one thing, a lot
of felons have gravitated towards 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, including
more than a couple of guys who got themselves elected in; does
the name Nixon have any meaning here? They should install an official
plaque on the West Gate designating it San Quentin East. Maybe
that's why the security there is provided by the feds. Hell, half
those foreign dignitaries they throw those fancy State Dinners
for look like they'd be more at home in in leg irons than wing
tips. And since when does drinking coffee with Billy "Three
Legs" Clinton assist in a mobster's standing in the criminal
underground? "Hey Nutso, did you hear Vinnie No Nose had
tea with the First Lady? Pretty obvious who's next in line for
Capo." Maybe it was a preliminary discussion on matters of
National Security, like the prompt disposition of some Island
Dictator, if you know what I mean. And what right thinking American
doesn't regard that as a good idea?
Will Durst doesn't, but he's not very
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE
FORTY NINERS HAVE RELEASED PLANS FOR THEIR NEW $575 MILLION STADIUM
WHICH HAPPENS TO INCLUDE A $100 MILLION DONATION FROM THE CITY.
OOH, LUCKY US.
The weekend gross for the reissue of
"Star Wars" with 4 and a half new minutes was $36.2
million according to studio estimates. A figure to be taken with
a grain of salt the size of Mount St. Helens since studio accountants
can prove "Jurassic Park" never made a cent. Those rubber
Velociraptors add up, you know. Of course since Hollywood is responsible
for the modern phenomena of rushing to where lightning last struck,
we would be foolish not to expect many more digitally altered
20 year old classics and not so classics to hit the big screen
this year. Here are some of my theories of what to expect.
* Annie Hall: a new sequence featuring
Woody Allen trying crack and burning down a fashionable New York
* Saturday Night Fever: Quentin Tarentino
produces the revision, now a half hour longer with Tarentino in
John Travolta role. Bee Gees dumped in favor of obscure Mexicali
* Smokey And The Bandit: in this updated
version, new technology makes it appear Burt Reynolds is awake.
Digital enhancement also gives Paul Williams the illusion of height.
* New York, New York: De Niro part scaled
down, now focuses on Lionel Stander as love interest for Liza
Minelli. Expanded from original 164 minutes to eight hours even.
* Looking For Mr. Goodbar: Diane Keaton
character transplanted to 1997 New York and lives normally. A
Disney Film. Brand new animated sequence romanticizes S &
* Coma: coma sequences now appear really
lifelike. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for Richard Widmark.
* Airport '77: Producers just change
the first seven to a nine. Accountants cite alteration costs as
* The Deep: concentrates on the most
salable part of the original release and is now a 127 minute still
of Jacqueline Bisset in a wet t-shirt.
* Pumping Iron: Documentary format scrapped.
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Louis Ferrigno now compete for title
of Mr. Universe with fate of entire Universe at stake. Sandra
Bullock inserted as love interest.
* Slap Shot: due to expansion, Paul
Newman and Hansen Brothers make it to NHL. Disney Film re released
as Mighty Ducks IV.
* High Anxiety: demonstrating the cutting
edge of technological advancement, humor is added.
* Equus: People for the Ethical Treatment
of Animals finance this reworking which now ends with a disturbed
Peter Firth being released into the outskirts of Billings, Montana,
and blending in.
* The Gauntlet: Producer Clint Eastwood
polishes up his directorial effort with new subplot changing Sandra
Locke's character from lovable hooker to demon spawn she devil
with digitally enhanced cloven hooves.
Will Durst is hoping he can rerelease
himself as a digitally enhanced 24.
eight days of weirdness
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE IT'S
RAINING AGAIN. SO MANY MUDSLIDES, PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY PAINTING
RACING STRIPES ON THE SIDES OF THE HOUSES TO THE CRIES OF "MUD'S
The television industry, which is to
say a group of people with the instincts and morals of steroid poisoned
ferrets in heat, has decided to pre-empt Congress and police itself
with a ratings system of its own design. Oh yeah. That's going to work.
Next we can put sharks in charge of salmon hatchery security. Appoint Charles
Keating as civilian chairman Of the House Banking Oversight Committee.
The first incarnation of the ratings are only about as confusing as a Japanese
production of Ionesco. Right now, there's six ratings in two categories.
The kids category has two ratings.
TV-Y: recommended for youths of all
ages, which means about four shows on PBS.
TV-Y7: recommended for youths 7 and
older, or everything with toy commercials in it.
The other category is for nighttime
TV-G: recommended for general audiences,
meaning each and every show with Erkel in it.
TV-PG: parental guidance suggested,
a rating created for the millions of parents who are in need of
TV-14: recommended for audiences 14
and older, or just about the entire load of trash delivered to
your screen every night.
TV-M: recommended for mature audiences,
which is misleading since there isn't much on television a mature
audience would appreciate.
Will Durst will nominate his own ratings
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE
NINERS COACH, GEORGE SEIFERT RESIGNED. YEAH, RESIGNED THE SAME
WAY RASPUTIN RETIRED: ONLY AFTER MUCH ENCOURAGEMENT.
Before we were so rudely interrupted
there was some talk about how the television industry has bravely
decided to take the ratings bull by the horns and wrestle it down
into the aisle keeping Congress from clogging it with injunctions
and tall fences with barbed razor wire and dogs with lots of teeth
and stuff. If you think I'm implying this is a lot of bull, you
must be smelling the same offal I am. Why is it I think these
ratings are going to help about as much as pollution laws written
by Dow Chemical? So here's my suggestions as how to simplify the
system so it makes at least a little sense to normal folks like
TV-LB: for those who find the plots
on The Love Boat a bit too complicated.
TV-SNL: a warning more than a rating.
TV-DTABOD: the dumber than a bucket
of dirt rating so you know when you're watching Geraldo.
TV-OJ: self explanatory.
TV-YYMY: yelling, yelling, and more
yelling; for people unfamiliar with the
TV-TV: a new rating for shows targeted
TV-BADRUG: any show with William Shatner
or Sam Donaldson.
TV-SE: silicone enhanced to remind viewers
of Baywatch, Baywatch Nights, and the various Baywatch wannabees,
that people don't really look like that.
Will Durst doesn't know anybody who
looks like that.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE NINE
PEOPLE HAVE DIED FROM EATING ONE OF THE POISONOUS DEATH CAP MUSHROOMS
THAT HAVE FLOURISHED AFTER THE FLOODS. GOSH, I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT
WITH A NAME LIKE DEATH CAP...
Now let me get this straight: the Republicans
are refusing to allow the ethics committee to complete its Gingrich
investigation until two weeks after scheduling a vote on his punishment.
Does this mean they're going to sentence him before finding out
what he did? Now that can't be good. You might as well throw judicial
darts at a floating sentence chart before hearing the victim's
testimony. Then some couple in Florida who just happen to be heavily
involved in Democratic fundraising just happen have a police scanner
in their car and just happen to tape a conference call they pick
up off a cell phone with a tape recorder they just happen to be
packing at the time. What are the odds? I mean who doesn't carry
a tape recorder and a police scanner in the car with them at all
times? Along with ceremonial bamboo altars, minor league pitching
rubbers and small unconstructed antediluvian dinosaur skeletons.
This conversation features the Speaker of the House who has been
cautioned not to design his defense, designing his defense. And
so who gets in trouble? The Speaker for grossly ignoring the panel's
directive, right? No, the Congressman to whom the Florida couple
gave the tape. You know, sometimes I think the only way to deal
with American politics is 50 cc. of Thorazine three times a day.
Will Durst's head hurts.
WASHINGTON, D.C., WHERE TWO FEMALES
FROM "PEOPLE FOR THE ETHICAL TREATMENT OF ANIMALS" JUMPED
INTO THE INAUGURAL PARADE NAKED PROTESTING ANIMAL RESEARCH. WHICH
WAS VERY NICE OF THEM TO DO, SINCE I DON'T THINK THE ANIMALS WOULD
HAVE DONE THE SAME FOR THEM.
Clinton's second Inaugural took over
this town, but like a lot of things in life , it just wasn't as
exciting the second time around. The directions to the Bridge
to the 21st Century were a little confusing, and I hope he and
Al can get their signals straight for those of us who made a wrong
turn and ended up as trolls living under the Bridge to the 19th
Century. In a cold part of it as well. I guess Al Gore hadn't
dressed prepared for the chill. You could tell by the stiff ungainly
way he moved on the podium he was frozen. All the President's
good friends were at the swearing in which means many wardens
earned much overtime okaying weekend furloughs. The speech made
up in brevity what it lacked in depth, and Bill should not be
maligned for such trite themes as "land of new promise"
as long as he can whip a collection of them out in less than a
half hour. The parties afterward were exactly like you would imagine
big time events in Washington would be. Crowded, desperate, suffocating
with security and no food. One of the most popular commemorative
items was the Inaugural license plates, many of which were rumored
to be made by Bill's own personal friends. is this a great country,
Will Durst thinks "what".
NEW YORK, NEW YORK, WHERE THE STREETS
ARE PAVED WITH GOLD. WELL, MAYBE IT'S NOT GOLD, BUT IT DEFINITELY
IS SOME SORT OF WEIRD SHADE OF BROWN. GOT TO ADMIT, DOESN'T SMELL
LIKE GOLD EITHER.
Newt Gingrich, the Dennis Rodman of
politics, was severely spanked with a reprimand by the full House
today on a 395 to 28 vote, and he's been ordered to pay a $300,000
fine. He's the first Speaker ever to receive a reprimand, although
it is generally assumed former Speaker Jim Wright would have gotten
one if he hadn't RETIRED first, pushed out by the very same Newt
Gingrich. Ain't life odd? Shakespeare might have called it "hoist
on his own petard", but since so few of can envision raising
a petard large enough to leverage a pulley mechanism, let me put
it in today's terms; "don't dunk your toilet paper in Tabasco
sauce, for someday you might contract hemorrhoids". Now,
the Republicans are calling the $300,000 a "reimbursement".
I don't think the American people care if you call it a donation
to the International Tooth Fairy Slush Fund, or the establishment
of a Evil Dough Boy scholarship endowment or even a really good
donut waitress tip, $300,000 is more than they'll ever going to
see in their lifetime. Where he'll get the money from is up in
the air right now, but I'm fairly certain a series of exercise
tapes is out of the question.
Will Durst hopes the Speaker survives,
but then, he's a comedian.
a whole damn week's worth
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE ONLY
PEOPLE WHO REALLY BELIEVE IN LEPRECHAUNS CAN SEE THEM. AND LET
ME TELL YOU, THE STREETS ARE FULL OF THEM HERE; SOME IN BUTTLESS
Actual side by side headlines on the
front page above the fold of the New York Times, January 8, 1997:
"G.O.P. Narrowly re-elects Gingrich As House Speaker, Despite
Ethics Accusations" and "Malaria Makes A Comeback, And
Is Deadlier Than Ever." I hope you like sideshows Mr. And
Mrs. America, because you're going to see enough of them over
the next few months to make the Jim Rose Freak Show look like
Sesame Street. Oh sure, the suddenly contrite Newtie mumbled the
requisite sacred words "bipartisan spirit" but you can
bet his pudgy little fingers were crossed when he said it. All
the Speaker has to do is survive for a couple of weeks and the
spotlight will turn back onto Big Bubba for, (deep breath) Asian
campaign contributions, FBI files, Whitewater, Paula Jones' sexual
harrasment suit and various and sundry other disasters like Tom
Arnold movies and the New York Jets. Gingrich first came to prominence
in 1989 for his attacks on the ethics of then Speaker Jim Wright,
of whom he once said, "the Speaker should be held to a higher
accountability". Of course, I'm sure he wasn't speaking of
Speakers in general, but rather that Speaker in specific. Feel
free to scoff here people, the irony lamp is lit.
Will Durst is afraid he's going to require
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE MACWORLD
IS IN SESSION, SO THEY TROTTED OUT THE GRAND OLD STEVES, WOZNIAK
AND JOBS. LATER THIS WEEK, I HEAR ISSAC NEWTON HIMSELF IS MAKING
AN APPEARANCE. YOU CAN'T MAKE STUFF UP LIKE THIS!
* Al Gore attended an economic summit
in Spain last month. I guess his presence was designed to send
a message. Something like, "The US remains rigid and refuses
* Clinton's 2nd Inaugural plans are
coming along fine thank you, and all the President's friends are
expected to attend. The ones who can convince the warden to grant
them weekend furloughs that is.
* The problem is Bill has laryngitis,
so for the next couple of weeks leading up to the big speech,
doctors have cautioned him to only speak out of one side of his
* British researchers have issued a
report alleging health risks to breathing second hand flatulence.
Man, how do you recruit volunteer test subjects for that?
* Same sex marriages are no different
than regular ones, except for afterwards; dancing at the receptions
* 94 year old Strom Thurmond, starting
another 6 year Senate term, can remember when the Senate was just
a good ol' boys club full of rich white males. Of course we're
talking way back in 1994. The only time this guy veers to the
left is on the highway.
* The Post Office reported a $1.5 billion
profit for 1996, so I guess we can expect changes. More sophisticated
automatic weapons is my first thought.
Will Durst needs a pass into MacWorld.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THEY
ARE TESTING A CRASH BARRIER TO RUN DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE GOLDEN
GATE BRIDGE. I WONDER IF THEY'VE TRIED A THREE FOOT HIGH SPEED
BUMP CONSTRUCTED SOLELY OF LAWYERS?
So, I'm sitting here watching the tube
and I'm thinking about these microwave emissions being constantly
bombarded into outer space. Now suppose intelligent life is out
there, which admittedly is a leap since we haven't proved intelligent
life even exists in Washington, D.C: doesn't this mean the aliens'
first glimpse of our culture is going to be our television programming?
Well, hell, no wonder we haven't been contacted yet. They're freakin'
scared out of their little alien wits of us. They must think everyone
on planet earth is a junkie, a cop, recovering from massive gunshot
wounds, or former stand up comics who now moonlight as teachers.
Who can blame them for hovering around in the Utah night playing
long distance "Dissect the Cow Organs" instead of offering
us the secret to eternal youth in an easy to use capsule form?
Would you approach a society that worships angst ridden doctors,
corrupt lawyers and various subgenuses of surly private detectives?
You know. Fat detectives. Blind detectives. Detectives with birds.
Detectives who wear shorts. Detectives with lots of guns. Detectives
with big guns. Detectives with lots of big guns. I bet we're known
around the universe as the noisy obnoxious wet planet with the
expanding hole in its roof and are probably blamed for bringing
down the property values in this part of the solar system. All
because of television. We need a court to issue a restraining
order to keep WB and UPN networks from ruining our universal image,
and we need it quick.
Will Durst is on a roll.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE
FBI WANTS THE COPS TO JOIN A TERRORISM TASK FORCE, WHICH MIGHT
VIOLATE LOCAL POLICIES AIMED AT CAPPING EXCESSIVE POLICE SPYING.
SCULLY AND MULDER WALKING A BEAT?
The reason they call television the
idiot box has to be because that is how anyone who doesn't wear
a suit or a badge is portrayed on it. The rest of us are mere
loveable dorks lacking the mental or physical dexterity to manipulate
forks during meals without ending up with a face looking like
the red zone turf after a Niners Packers game. Nerds, goofs, victims
and dweebs. Maybe blue collars don't photograph well or maybe
it's just that meeting a mortgage and balancing a checkbook doesn't
make for good theater. Or maybe the dog breath network executives
don't think that we would be interested in watching or listening
to us. Obviously they aren't. I don't know. I do know that I'm
sick and tired of having normal people represented by Hollywood
as nothing more than brain dead bigoted bloaty globs of cellulite
incapable of communicating through anything more complicated than
a rude series of grunts and belches. Boy, they sure seem to cater
to us when they want our money. "Heartbeat of America"
my butt. This may seem unbelievable but I have actually met people
who work for a living who don't drink beer. Neither do most of
us sing when we clean our kitchen floor. So how bout some more
stories of normal people on tv? Those aliens might be less inclined
to think of humans as a threat if they see us in our natural state.
Will Durst thinks it no less important
than our last ditch effort to save Planet Earth.
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA, WHERE SO MANY
FACE LIFTS HAVE BEEN PERFORMED, YOU TEND TO EXAMINE THE GOATEES
WITH DETAILED PRECISION.
Yesterday, the Supreme Court heard arguments
from both Paula Jones' attorneys and one of the higher rated of
the President's vast legions of overworked lawyer squads about
whether her sexual harassment charge against him will be heard
while he's still President. Ms. Jones claims that in a Little
Rock hotel room in 1991, Bill Clinton dropped his pants and said,
"kiss it please." I have one question: who would do
that? I know why Clinton is the object of these accusations. He
looks like he can get it up. Well I don't mean to be vulgar but
can you imagine Bush, Reagan or Dole having an erection? I don't
think Stephen King could imagine that. Richard Bachman, maybe.
But she also says she can identify his genitalia. Now what does
that mean? How freakish was it to be so memorable? Did it have
an elbow? Just a dogleg to the right? Perhaps it bore a striking
resemblance to Harvey Keitel? Or maybe she was playing a lazy
game of "connect the moles" and ended up with Cirrus
the Dog Star? Was it the reticulated tentacles that impressed
itself into her mind? Or did it have a blue USDA Choice stamp?
Well, it certainly wasn't Prime. How do you recognize someone
else's organ five years later? I have problems picking myself
out of Polaroids.
Will Durst is probably telling you more
than you need to know.
the first short week's worth of 97
MONTEREY, CALIFORNIA, WHERE ONE OF THE
POSTERS FOR CANNERY ROW WEEK CELEBRATES THE LOCAL HERO STEINBACH.
OF COURSE YOU KNOW, A GOOD THIRD BASEMAN IS HARD TO FIND.
Thank God the holidays are over and
if you didn't have to travel, you should consider yourself luckier
than Steve Forbes escaping an audit. I think I'd rather sit on
an Athens to Sparta diesel bus in the poultry section than fly
during December. First you have to get the seat which means at
least a three hour tour to voice mail hell. "If you have
been waiting so long you have lost the will to speak, press 9,
followed by a repeated pounding of the asterisk." Then, once
you're connected to a real person you have approximately a five
second window to get a ticket cheaper than a season pass on the
Concorde. They sucker you in with those trick prices that as stable
as a Mojave Desert souvenir stand made out of popcicles. That's
how they get you. "Only three hundred bucks round trip if
you can leave after six pm, on a Wednesday with two stop overs
as long as someone in your party volunteers to de-ice the wings
in Denver, and you stay over a minimum of two consecutive Friday
happy hours but not in contiguous months." You go to the
gate, look out at the plane and its dented. Graffiti all over
the side. Some of it in Arabic.
Oh, be assured, Will Durst has more.
MONTEREY, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE OTTERS
ARE THE NUMBER ONE ATTRACTION IN TOWN. GOOD GIG. CLEAN QUARTERS
AND ALL THE SARDINES YOU CAN EAT. BETTER THAN SOME CLUB OWNERS
Speaking of holiday travel, you know
what; window, bulkhead, aisle, I don't care. Just give me the
no infant section. I'll pay the surcharge. It's not just the thousands
of tiny kids so excited to see Nana and Pa that they clog the
restrooms, that is when they're not spending their time taking
turns kicking the back of my seat, that flips me out. It's their
high pitched squeals attempting to do the Ella Fitzgerald thing
with the pressurized windows that starts me growling. "What's
the matter Mister, don't you like children?" "Yeah,
sure I do; with lemon butter and capers." Quite frankly,
isn't that what the overhead compartments are for? Of course you
got a better chance of finding the safety deposit vault of the
Titanic in your ice cube tray than having one of the stewardesses,
or flight attendants, or onboard customer relations specialists,
or whatever they call them these days, pay any attention to you.
You want a second bag of peanuts? Forget it. Unless you're a former
high school football quarterback with a copy of the Wall Street
Journal on your lap. Cheerleaders in search of a team. And I hope
you're an afficianado of bar coasters dipped in corn starch and
smothered in thirty weight or you might want to eat before getting
to the airport. Maybe Thai food, so you'll have something in common
with your luggage when it comes back from Bangkok.
Will Durst has a quarter of a million
frequent flyer miles.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE
PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN THE FLOOD PLAINS ARE ALL UPSET ABOUT THE FLOODS.
YOU WATCH, NEXT TIME THERE'S AN EARTHQUAKE, PEOPLE LIVING ON THE
FAULT LINES WILL BE PISSED.
Today, Newt Gingrich will probably be
the first Republican in 60 plus years to be re- elected to the
post of Speaker of the House, and to be perfectly honest, the
Democrats aren't exactly crying in their beer. For one thing,
compared to the guys who might replace him, the Evil Dough Boy
is a freakin moderate. His obvious successor, Dick Armey: just
a little to the right of Attilla the Hun, would declare open season
on Democrats starting with another deer in the headlights on the
character highway: Bill Clinton. Not to mention the unfortunately
named Mr. Armey has endeared himself to fellow Republicans the
same way chigger mites in the towel concession charm a swim team
right before an Olympic qualifying event. Also, in comparison
to the lightning rod that is the Newtmeister, everyone in Washington
comes off as Mr. Clean following a sterile bath in a surgery room.
So the Democrats secretly yearn for the Republicans to hold their
nose and reluctantly vote for their wounded salamander. Which
they probably will, hoping the heat dies down before they start
smelling the tangy yet gamey odor of roast reptile. After all,
the man never actually lied to the House Ethics Committee; his
lawyer did. All Gingrich is guilty of is hiring a really stupid
lawyer, and who among us can say we did no worse? Most of our
Representatives are lawyers, right?
Will Durst is a comedian and thus hopeful
Newt stays on for a couple more years.