Date: Tue, 28 Dec 1999 04:04:01 -0500
a y2k complacent week's worth
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE DISPLACED LOW INCOME TENANTS
WILL BE ELIGIBLE FOR A $4,500 RELOCATION FEE. I DON'T MEAN TO
BE GLIB, BUT IN THIS HOUSING MARKET, 95% OF US ARE LOW INCOME
You know, its the little things that
remind us of the true reason we celebrate Christmas. I'm thinking
of the hordes of rabid frenzied shoppers, Santa sliding down a
ski slope on an electric razor and singing dogs. What better way
to show our devotion to the anniversary of the birth of our Lord
than singing dogs? Why not piccolo playing mice? Or wolverine
pup ballerinas? But lets not quibble, rather, lets see who should
unwrap which wolverine pup ballerina plush toys under their tree
WILL DURST'S 1999 XMA$ GIFT WI$H
For Boris Yeltsin: Enough worldwide
Y2K destruction to start over competing with the west on an equal
For the WTO: An invite to hold their next ministerial conference
about 25 miles north of Ulsanbaatar, Mongolia.
For Brandi Chastain: A sports panties endorsement.
For Regis Philbin: A partnership with Kathie Lee to produce "So
You Want To Be A Millionaire" sweatshop clothing.
For Jesse Ventura: A muzzle.
For Ricky Martin: Another 15 minutes.
For Slobodan Milosevic: See Boris Yeltsin.
For Robert Downey Jr.: A roommate with an appreciation of fine
wines from France's Burgundy region.
For US airline passengers: Shrinkage.
For Dan Quayle: More grey hair.
For Steve Young: A doctor who doesn't follow sports.
Will Durst would actually like one of
those wolverine pup ballerinas.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE INCUMBENT TERRENCE HALLINAN WAS
FINALLY DECLARED WINNER OF THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY RACE OVER BILL
FAZIO TEN DAYS AFTER THE RUN OFF ELECTION. CONSIDERING THIS IS
THE SECOND TIME FAZIO HAS BEEN BESTED BY HALLINAN, MAYBE HE CAN
SUE FOR HARASSMENT. EMOTIONAL DISTRESS AT LEAST. NOT TO MENTION
Good news to report. Your intrepid reporter
managed to escape with his life and portions of his clothes intact
after braving F.A.O. Schwartz today in a delusive attempt to buy
some plastic pieces of crap for his nephew and himself. Suffice
it to say he made it to the third floor before being asked to
leave by Security who correctly ascertained he was tilting on
the verge of spoiling some family's holiday by beating one of
the thousands of teeming knee high screaming tots to death with
a discounted Star Wars Phantom Menace double light saber featuring
movement activated sound effects. The horror. The horror. But
never mind my descent into the ninth circle of marketing hell,
let's just move on with this hack stunt deal we columnists insist
on force feeding you this, the sacredest week of Christianity.
WILL DURST'S 1999 XMA$ GIFT WI$H
For Donald Trump: An eight month bout
For Martha Stewart: A paramour with the same emotional connection
for her she has for her audience.
For David Bowie: A tamperproof dead bolt for his attic door.
So the painting remains undisturbed.
For Ken Starr: Editorial control over Linda Tripp's memoirs.
For Jennifer Lopez: A movie role that will force her to lose
her deposit every time she books studio time.
For Diana Ross: A complete set of "Get Out Of Customs Free"
For Alan Greenspan: A storage space large enough to hide his
quarterly shipments of smoke pellets and mirrors.
For Adam Sandler: His own "Truman Show," but not his
own "Razor's Edge."
For Mike Tyson, Marv Albert and Charles (nee Charlie) Sheen:
The continuation of that great american habit: short memories.
Will Durst has an incredibly short one.
PACIFICA, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE DISTANT LILT OF CHRISTMAS CAROLS
COMPETING WITH THE RHYTHMIC CRASH OF THE OCEAN FORCES YOU TO REALIZE
YOU DON'T NEED SNOW OR COLD TO WISH FOR PEACE ON EARTH AND GOOD
WILL TO ALL MEN. BUT I GOT TO ADMIT, THE PALM TREES MAKE IT HARD
Aaah, the wonder and convenience of
on- line Christmas shopping. First you sift through your search
results of 150,000 hits. Then you freeze and crash. The connection
is busy. Then you connect and freeze again. Repeat a couple ten
times. Finally you buy a pig in a poke, since there are neither
photos nor drawings of the item you're purchasing, only some vague
meandering description obviously written by a recent immigrant
to our shores whose only previous connection to the English language
was reading the list of ingredients on the sides of the bottles
of Vikadin he was consuming on a daily basis. Then you fill out
all the lines of information; then do it again because you forgot
some pertinent piece of 411 like don't you want to receive our
. Then you give your credit card number and then hit "submit"
and it says: "Thank you. Your order will be shipped to you
within 28 days." So here's other stuff that probably won't
be found under the tree, but should.
WILL DURST'S 1999 XMA$ GIFT WI$H
For the Champagne Industry: A worldwide
recant. So everybody disappointed with their date on New Year's
this year, can grudgingly admit the real millennium is next year.
For Ally McBeal's boss, Fish: One shot at Bill Bradley's waddle.
For Al Gore: A light year. Which might just be the distance he
needs to put between him and Bill Clinton.
For Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarznegger Jean Claude Van
Damme: The formation of an Action Hero Seniors Tour.
For Charlie Brown: A sixty five yard field goal in overtime.
For George W Bush Jr: Regular nocturnal visits from the ghosts
of Lee Atwater and Willie Horton.
For John Rocker: A trade to the Montreal Expos.
For Hillary Clinton: A part time job at the Carnegie Deli.
For California Governor Grey "And That's A Gross Exaggeration"
Davis: More photo ops with Al Gore. Makes him look like Ricky
Will Durst looks more like Lou Bega.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT HAS BEEN
REPLACED BY THE ANNUAL POST HOLIDAY SHOPPING FRENZY. IN OTHER
WORDS, THE BEFORE AND THE AFTER ARE PRETTY MUCH INDISTINGUISHABLE.
All right. This is it. The last of those
stupid top 100 lists you'll see before the turn. And when you
get right down to it: the most important. Let's fly now with the
Top 100 human body parts of the second millennium 1. Soul. 2.
Heart. 3. Gut. 4. Pigment. 5. Female reproductive organ. 6. Male
reproductive organ. 7. Thumbs. 8. Spine. 9. Eyes. 10. Placenta.
11. Thighs. 12. Ears. 13. Female nipples. 14. Teeth. 15. Washboard
abs. 16. Hands. 17. Bowels. 18. Tongue. 19. Feet. 20. Artificially
augmented mammary glands. 21. Nose. 22. Liver. 23. Mouth. 24.
Hair. 25. Middle finger. 26. Muscles. 27. Knees. 28. Shoulders.
29. Skull. 30. Kidneys. 31. Taste buds. 32. Pituitary gland. 33.
Sinuses. 34. Elbows. 35. Shins. 36. Forearms. 37. Neck. 38. Fontanelle.
39. Temple. 40. Spleen. 41. Intestines. 42. Brain. 43. Calves.
44. Larynx. 45. Lungs. 46. Ribs. 47. Forefinger. 48. Collarbone.
49. Coccyx. 50. Buns of steel. 51. Heel. 52. Big toe. 53. Stomach.
54. Upper palate. 55. Chin. 56. Hips. 57. Nostrils. 58. Groin.
57. Male reproductive organ's two best friends. 59. Cheeks upper.
60. Urethra. 61. Epidermis. 62. Arches. 63. Fingernails. 64. Lips.
65. Clavicle. 66. Back of knees. 67. Cheeks lower. 68. Fallopian
tube. 69. Ring finger. 70. Mandible. 71. Forehead. 72. Pelvis.
73. Eyebrows. 74. Pancreas. 75. Freckles. 76. Vertebrae. 77. Trachea.
78. Inside of elbows. 79. Wrists. 80. Gums. Ankles. 81. Achilles
heels. 82. Veins. 83. Eyelids. 84. Capillaries. 85. Eyelashes.
86. Knuckles. 87. Belly. 88. Anterior cruciate ligament. 89. Funny
bone. 90. Sideburns. 91. Palms. 92. Toenails. 93. Prostate. 95.
Duodenum. 96. Groove between nose and upper lip. 97. Tonsils.
98. Appendix. 99. Armpits. 100. Male nipples.
Will Durst is reasonably equipped.
don't forget to watch will durst host
PBS' millennium coverage DEC 31st 11:30 pm to 6 am est
Date: Tue, 21 Dec 1999 03:51:37 -0500
a week's worth with all sorts of red
and green on it
WASHINGTON, D.C., WHERE YOU CAN NEVER FORGET YOU ARE RUBBING ELBOWS
WITH THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET BECAUSE
THEY INSIST ON REMINDING YOU WHILE WAITING FOR A TABLE IN EVERY
Who the hell is running things these
days? First Hillary says she doesn't think the military's policy
on "don't ask, don't tell, don't pursue, don't wear tight
stretch pants or look like your trying to smuggle plums"
is working. Then three days later Bill says the same thing. And
now with a stiffly moistened campaigning finger in the air, Al
Gore, sensing a political typhoon in the making, has chimed in
to agree. If scientists at Livermore Labs could develop the technology
to contact Tipper Gore under her bulletproof hair cloak of impenetrability
we could mark it unanimous. Has some sort of transfer of power
been enacted that we don't know about? I'm thinking the chain
of command is so mixed up here, it's only a matter of time before
Chelsea and Socks and Buddy starting determining policy. You think
I'm kidding, don't you? Well, I'm not alone. That great Jeffersonian
hero, Rush Limbaugh has been spreading such intimations for years.
And now the country's third most prestigious newspaper acknowledges
the same thing. As quoted by the Washington Post Reliable Sources
today, when Bill got up to leave Ted Turner's televised "Christmas
in Washington" gala at the National Building Museum because
he was sick last week, the announcer told the audience to stay
seated "until the president and Mister Clinton depart."
Mister Burger, your witness.
Will Durst assumes Perry Mason would
give Paul Drake a bonus on this one.
NEW YORK, NEW YORK, WHERE THE TRANSIT STRIKE WAS AVERTED AT THE
LAST MINUTE BY RUDY GIULIANI'S STRONG ARM TACTICS. HEY, IF LOSES
THE SENATE SEAT THERE'S ALWAYS ROOM FOR HIM AS A STRIKE BREAKER.
The airlines launched an industry wide
voluntary program aimed at reversing their reputation for poor
service to somewhere near the levels of Greyhound. This noncompulsory
program, an attempt to circumvent the threat of a legislated passenger
bill of rights will undoubtably be as effective as a rope handle
on a shovel. In a industry reversal, the airlines are being a
bit vague. Disingenuous even. They promise to try harder. They're
really really sorry and they'll do everything in their power to
make sure it will never happen again. Until it does. And then
stay out of their face or they'll call security. Here's a few
of the service upgrades rumored to be implemented.
Double lined airsick bags now minty
Attendants instructed to shriek at you: "suck sand and die"
with a smile.
Gravel used to fill headrests to be pounded smaller.
First class male passengers stranded more than 6 hours on tarmac
delays allowed to use coach bulkheads as urinals.
Emergency exit cards feature 4 color illustrations of Cajun artist
Rodrigue's lovable Blue Dog.
Luggage will no longer arrive late at a destination other than
yours. Now you're guaranteed one or the other.
Reading lamps will be repositioned to focus on your seat partner's
knees rather than your seat partner's feet.
Dab of butter like substance on bread shaped cardboard now a more
Seatbacks to recline a full 12/16 of an inch instead of normal
3/4 of an inch.
Will Durst can't wait.
CLAREMONT, NEW HAMPSHIRE, WHERE JOHN MCCAIN AND BILL BRADLEY AGREED
ON BIG SOFT MONEY FROM SPECIAL INTERESTS. THEY'RE AGAINST IT.
BUT THEY'LL TAKE THE MONEY AS LONG AS EVERYONE ELSE IS. UNH HUNH.
Every year, toymakers all over the world
try to catch the lightning in a bottle that was the Cabbage Patch
Doll craze of a decade ago. And every year 99.9% of these creations
are bigger bombs than Roseanne's talk show. Think "Hudson
Hawk" meets "Howard the Duck" at "Ishtar."
Everybody knows the fickle nature of America's kids is only exceeded
by the cowardice and narrow vision of corporate board rooms and
these toymakers' noble efforts often never see the light of day.
So, as a holiday special I would like to spotlight a few toy ideas
that failed to achieve liftoff on these year's seasonal launching
pad. Some may be ahead of their time, some may have missed their
brief window of opportunity and some are just fevered figments
of chronic amphetamine induced nightmares.
1999'S Misfit Toys.
Rudolph the Rednosed Roadkill.
Skully: Ghost of Xmas Future Beanie Baby.
Beowolf the Pokemon.
Gangrenous: For Couples.
The Dress Her Up Liddy Dole.
Old McDonald's Genetically Modified Veal Farm.
Chutes and Ladders and Retired Lab Mice.
Sterno Me. Sterno You.
The Burning Man Pop Up Book.
Harsh Realm Plush Toy Collection.
Plastique: A Mind Game.
Ally McBeal's Easy Bake Kitchen.
Teenage Mutant Pastry Chefs.
Whoopee Goldberg Cushions.
The Official Pete Rose Atlantic City Dice Table.
Whack- A- Tobacco Lobbyist.
Lead. Lead. Uranium!
Outbreak: Now with Ebola!
Tickle Me Mumia.
Will Durst smells money being minted
on this page.
BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS, WHERE THE WHOLE TRADITION OF SANTA COMING
DOWN THE CHIMNEY WITH A BIG RED NOSE ORIGINATED. AND IS KEPT ALIVE
BY EVERY MALE UNDER PENALTY OF EXILE.
One year, a long time ago, when the
consuming nature of the shopping beast was getting the best of
me, I decided to switch sides and took a job as a holiday Santa
Claus at a ghost mall on the south side of Milwaukee. Forced to
change into the fat red guy in the JC Penney's husky boys dressing
room and operate the Polaroid photo thingie myself, I gave the
whole schpiel, in my best Richard Nixon voice without ever promising
the kids anything specific and at the end I would say, "Now
I want you to do me a favor. You promise me to do everything you
can to stay out of trouble between now and Christmas and I promise
you'll get everything you deserve." The kids bought it. The
parents however shuddered visibly. As might these folks if the
same were to happen to them:
WILL DURST'S 1999 XMA$ GIFT WI$H
For Bill Gates: Janet Reno in his dreams.
For George W Bush Jr: A GED.
For John McCain: Negative of that photo of George W dancing naked
on a bar.
For Hillary Clinton: Negative of a photo of Rudy Giuliani dancing
naked on a homeless guy.
For Rudy Giuliani: Hillary's long awaited shot on Letterman guest
hosted by Ehud Barak.
For Gwenyth Paltrow: A lifetime pass to the In-N-Out Burger.
For Linda Tripp: A petard to hoist herself on.
Will Durst says do not fear, there will
be more tomorrow.
don't forget the big fat year end
kiss off comedy review
Willdurst/ johnny steele/ deb and mike/ steve kravitz/ ken sonkin
sunday 26th at julia morgan in berkeley
monday 27th at lucy stern theater in palo alto
tuesday 28th at the mystic theater in petaluma
wednesday 29th at dean lesher in walnut creek
Date: Tue, 14 Dec 1999 01:35:26 -0500
Subject: a waning week's worth
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE MAYOR WILLIE BROWN IS RUNNING
AN AD FEATURING TWO GAY GUYS WHO DECIDE NOT TO VOTE FOR TOM AMMIANNO,
AKA: ONE OF THEIRS. WONDER WHEN TOM WILL RUN AN AD WITH A BLACK
COUPLE TALKING ABOUT VOTING FOR ONE OF THEIRS.
Okay, we did toys and years and colors,
now let's do food.
TOP 100 FOODS OF THE MILLENNIUM.
1. Gruel. 2. Potatoes. 3. Mud. 4. Soup.
5. Stew. 6. Goulash. 7. Paella. 8. Gravy. 9. Chowder. 10. Mush.
11. Gumbo. 12. Cioppino. 13. Consomme. 14. Bouillon. 15. Yosenabe.
16. Gazpacho. 17. Bouillabaisse. 18. Poi. 19. Borscht. 20. Shoes.
21. Grubs. 22. Algae. 23. Baba ganoush. 24. Grass. 25. Berries.
26. Seeds. 27. Nuts. 28. Roots. 29. Mushrooms. Good. 30. Scum.
31. Eggs Benedict. 32. Turnips. 33. Bacon Double Cheeseburgers.
34. Rocks. 35. Boogers. 36. Squirrel. 37. Rocky Mountain Oysters.
38. Carrots. 39. Jerky. 40. Apples. 41. Bourbon balls. 42. Mushrooms.
Bad. 43. Bananas. 44. Corn. 45. Rice. 46. Oats. 47. Wheat. 48.
Cous cous. 49. Polenta. 50. Crab bisque. 51. Chicken. 52. Cow.
53. Sheep. 54. Pig. 55. Frog. 56. Carp. 57. Clam dip. 58. Microwave
butter flavored popcorn. 59. Ice Cream. 60. Haggis.61. Rumaki.
62. Kim chee. 63. Balut. 64. Fudge brownies. 65. Coq Au Vin. 66.
Nutria. 67. Beets. 68. Chow chows. 69. Meat lovers stuffed crust
pizza. 70. Cheese Danish. 71. Kreplach. 72. Dumplings. 73. Matzoh.
74. Gyoza. 75. Garlic Parmesan croutons. 76. Fritters. 77. Jujy
fruits. 78. Sesame noodles. 79. Pigs in a blanket. 80. Chiccarones.
81. Fresh Cook'd Potato Chips. 82. Memphis Barbecue. 83. Cousin's
Special. 84. Almond windmill cookies. 85. Thasos olives with red
pepper flakes. 86. Mashed potatoes with wasabi, caramelized onions
and roasted garlic. 87. Fettucine carbonera. 88. Thanksgiving
dinner. 89. Broiled oysters. 90. Diana's Meat Pie at Hunan on
Sansome. 91. Mr. Beef's Italian Beef. 92. Crawfish Etouffe. 93.
Stilton cheese. 94. Usinger's Bratwurst. 95. Lobster Thermidor.
96. PBJ. 97. Philly Cheese Steaks. 98. Horse. 99. Tinfoil. 100.
Will Durst admits this list may get
a little personal near the end.
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA, A TOWN WHOSE IDENTITY IS TOTALLY WRAPPED
UP IN ITS MALLS. IF MALL WALKING WERE AN OLYMPIC SPORT, SACRAMENTO
WOULD BE THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE.
Whither the Reform Party? Or should
the question be: is the Reform Party withering? Now that Warren
Beatty and Cybill Shepherd and all the other cameo contenders
with the collective weight of glitter have dropped out, its pretty
much down to the two heavyweights: Donald Trump and Patrick Buchanan.
The Donald versus The Brownshirt. Actually, Buchanan says his
is not a "love affair with Adolph Hitler" as characterized
by Trump, and he's right. It's more like one of those constant
non conjugal flirtations you have with somebody else's wife. Only
in this case the somebody else is David Duke. Trump vows to spend
$100 million to get the Reform Party Nomination, while Buchanan
vows to send his sister to every state if he has to. The two do
have things in common. Both are opposed to the World Trade Organization;
both think special interests wield too much control and both are
about as electable as Marilyn Manson after he gets that one breast
attached to his torso. You know Jesse Ventura has to be loving
this. The bigger the fight for the Party Nomination in August,
the less people will stereotype it as the personal property of
Ross Perot. These guys are just the raspberry sorbet cleaning
the Reform Party palate in anticipation of a feathered boa being
thrown in the ring in the year 2004.
Will Durst hopes these guys have Debates
and Jesse is the referee.
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA, A TOWN SO SCINTILLATING, SO BREATHTAKING,
SO DANGEROUSLY EXCITING, THAT SIMPLY BY ENTERING THE CITY LIMITS
WAS ENOUGH TO AFFECT BILL BRADLEY'S HEART. WARNINGS OUGHT TO BE
So, the deal is; it seems we were a
wee mite premature writing off the Cold War. It looked like it
was over, a history page, in the archives, way gone, say bye.
Many smarter people than I were quoted as saying: "stick
a fork in it," and "The fat lady put on her street clothes
and on her way home stopped at Wendy's for two Triples with Cheese
and a Biggee order of fries." Well, put the fork back on
the spoon rest and tell the fat lady she's needed onstage for
an encore because apparently there are folks who need the Cold
War like Mongooses need Cobras. Like the Hatfields need the McCoys.
Like environmentalists need Charlie Hurwitz. Guess what? It's
back! How can this be? Hadn't Reagan stomped the Red Bear into
bankruptcy court? Isn't Yeltsin an older fatter greyer version
of Robert Downey Jr.? Well, yeah, but somebody must have been
watching the Superstation's "15 days of Bond" a little
too closely. Bugging our State Department for crum's sake. What
a wacky prank. Planting a listening device in the wooden molding
of a chair in the State Department's seventh floor conference
room. That's so darn 50's. You watch, fedoras are going to make
a comeback. And after watching us kick Serbian butt in their own
backyard, the Red Army seems to be playing the Chechnyan card
like they got something to prove. At least John LeCarre, Jack
Higgins and Art Buchwald are happy. Not to mention Jesse Helms.
Will Durst thinks if John Madden were
calling this game, he would say the momentum has changed.
Date: Tue, 7 Dec 1999 05:05:30 -0500
a tearry gassy kind of week's worth
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON, WHERE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOCALS AND OUTLANDERS
IS IMMEDIATELY EASY TO DISCERN. THE SEATTLITES CARRY SUNGLASSES
WITH THEM AT ALL TIMES ON THE OFF CHANCE THE SUN MIGHT APPEAR.
"The whole world is kinda glancing
over their shoulder while driving to Wal- Mart to hopefully catch
the latest shipment of Pokemon cards." The Battle for Seattle.
Downtown Showdown. The Emerald Siege. The biggest shame of the
whole river of riot that consumed the core of Seattle yesterday
protesting the WTO, was nobody seemed to notice the 30,000 union
members marching through town so peacefully you'd think they were
wearing underpants made out of dehydrated nitroglycerine with
flint flies. It was an odd afternoon. The Longshoremen were on
strike, the cabs were on strike, and dumpsters were set on fire
by masked youth battling police on front lines filled with tear
gas and stun grenades. If the cheese were a little better and
the waiters a mite ruder, you'd of thought you were in France
for the day. You had people worried about sweatshops, people worried
about losing American jobs and people worried about liberating
pre fabricated pounds of Aged Indonesian full bean Starbucks coffee.
And who got the publicity? The ones who resorted to violence.
We've learned from television well, haven't we? Got a reasonable
argument? Have a legitimate beef? Too bad. Have a couple of talking
heads on PBS bore people to death talking about it. Want to guarantee
some decent camera time? Wear a mask, burn a dumpster and act
like a total idiot. Teach. Your children well. We have. Thank
you Hollywood. Consider the lesson learned.
Meanwhile, Will Durst is covering the
protest wearing Gap pants, Reebok shoes and a jacket made by Bobby
the Bambi killer.
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON, WHERE THE WORLD TRADE ORGANIZATION MINISTERIAL
CONFERENCE IS WINDING DOWN, AND THE PEOPLE OF SEATTLE ARE ECSTATIC.
NOT ONLY DOES IT MEAN ALL THE CRAZED FANATICS ARE SCHEDULED TO
LEAVE TOWN, BUT MOST OF THE PROTESTERS WILL PROBABLY SPLIT AS
This is the weirdest. You got your yellow
curfew zone where protesters are not to be found after 7 pm and
an interior red zone near the convention center where nobody without
official business is allowed all day long. I think its just an
alpha position. Soon, there will be the green zone where anyone
with phlegm or toe fungus is barred from entering and the blue
zone, which will only admit those who can prove they aren't clinically
depressed. And why tear gas? Why not Prozac gas? Or the organic
alternative: St. John's Wort gas? The press is focusing on the
violence but let's face it. There was more destruction at this
year's Woodstock than the entire week in Seattle. Not even convinced
the anarchists were to blame. Haven't hear anyone question the
guy with the glass replacement franchise whether or not he equipped
a bunch of his cousin's kids' friends with crowbars and told them
to "go to it, boyos." Then this bike messenger was caught
selling Russian gas masks he bought for $10 at an Army surplus
store on the street to American protesters for $19.99. And the
cops were pissed. Hey, that's free trade. Isn't that what this
whole WTO thing is about? So, the chief of police made gas masks
illegal. That's cheating. Changing rules in the middle of the
game. Not very American.
Will Durst notes it was yesterday Seattle
was named the eighth most well
mannered city in America, proving once again: You can't make stuff
up like this.
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON, WHERE NORDSTROM'S IS BACK OPEN WITH A BIG
SALE AND ALL PARKING DOWNTOWN IS FREE. SO THOSE LUCKY SHOPPERS
WHO WAITED MAY ACTUALLY BE THANKFUL TO THE ANARCHISTS FOR RIOTING.
There you are shooting down Highway
55 in Missouri. Walls of garbage on the shoulders. Men in white
hoods are picking it up. Wait, there's a signpost up ahead: "Adopt-A-Highway.
The Knights of the Ku Klun Klan, Realm of Missouri." Next
stop, the Twilight Zone. The problem is, they can't keep the signs
up. I'm thinking either vandals or the guys picking up the roadside
litter who are damn tired of being swerved at by hooting teenagers
cranking up the Ice-T. The state tried to keep the KKK from joining
the program, but the district court upheld the group's rights,
so Missouri is telling the Eighth Circuit Court of Appeals to
show them. Michael Cuffley, the Omnipotent Lizardstick, or whatever
local Klan leaders call themselves, says his group is responsible
for picking up trash, mowing the grass and planting flowers (probably
not a lot of wandering Jews is my guess). State officals say they're
worried people might go out of their way to litter on the Klan's
mile of I-55. Are you kidding? People will rent trailers and travel
across the country just for the chance to throw a year's worth
of crap on the Klan's back. Methodist church groups would bus
up just to pass by the mile of freeway and not throw stuff.
PORTLAND, OREGON, WHERE WINTER MEANS ITS GOING TO RAIN. OF COURSE
SUMMER MEANS ITS GOING TO RAIN, AS DOES FALL. SPRING, HOWEVER
MEANS ITS GOING TO POUR.
We did a couple of top 100 lists last
year and the cast and crew loved it. So lets get to it. The top
100 toys of the millennium are:
1. Dolls. 2. Sticks. 3. Balls. 4. Mud. 5. Rocks. 6. Straw. 7.
Water. 8. Rubber bands. 9. String. 10. Matches. 11. Logs. 12.
Hair. 13. Knives. 14. Jacks. 15. Buttons. 16. Hoops. 17. Forks.
18. Glass. 19. Tops. 20. Spools. 21. Thimbles. 22. Ribbons. 23.
Blocks. 24. Cardboard boxes. 25. Wooden boxes. 26. Wooden crates.
27. Steel crates. 28. Plastic milk cartons. 29. Upside down buckets.
30. Jack in the boxes. 31. Rotting fruit. 32. Beanie Babies. 33.
Marbles. 34. Dead animals. 35. Sock puppets. 36. Mousetraps. 37.
Tinfoil. 38. Hammers. 39. Blasting caps. 40. Balloons. 41. Scissors.
42. Chutes and ladders. No, real chutes and real ladders. 43.
Rattles. 44. Tiddlywinks. 45. Slinkys. 46. Cans. 47. Abandoned
refrigerators. 48. Loose teeth. 49. Spoons. 50. Horseshoes. 51.
Mars Polar Landers. 52. Straws. 53. Squirt guns. 54. Genuine Red
Ryder Carbine Action Two Hundred Shot Lightning Loader Range Model
Air Rifles. 55. Cork guns. 56. Laser pointers. 57. Zip guns. 58.
Tec-9s. 59. AK-47s. 60. Stinger surface to air missiles. 61. Darts.
62. Game Boys. 63. Suction cups. 64. Trains. 65. Trucks. 66. Big
Wheels. 67. Sheep. 68. Beer kegs. 69. Checkers. 70. Pokemon. 71.
Eleanor Roosevelt. 72. Pentagrams. 73. Dental floss. 74. Library
paste. 75. Airplane glue. 76. Speedballs. 77. Wheelos. 78. Legos.
79. Tinker toys. 80. Spoons. 81. Feces. 82. Fishing lures. 83.
Close and Plays. 84. Cellophane. 85. Condoms. 86. Playstation.
87. Shellfish. 88. Other people's mail. 89. Paddle balls. 90.
Colorforms. 91. Etch- a- sketches. 92. Corkscrews. 93. Sno globes.
94. Skin. 95. Shaving cream. 96. Cows. 97. Bird nests. 98. Lug
nuts. 99. Speculums. 100. Weebos.
Will Durst can personally recommend
most of these.
Don't forget. The one and only, thank
god, will durst at the Punch Line, Sacramento, Wednesday through
Sunday. It'll be fun. Come on down. It's Sacramento. Help.
Date: Tue, 30 Nov 1999 04:33:18 -0500
a tryptophane week's worth
MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN, WHERE A WOMAN IS SUING A JEWELER WHO KISSED
HER ON THE HAND AFTER SHE BOUGHT A RING FROM HIM. OF COURSE SHE
DIDN'T TAKE OFFENSE UNTIL THE NEXT DAY WHEN HE REFUSED TO TAKE
THE RING BACK. I HAD A GIRLFRIEND LIKE THAT ONCE.
Now we all know Hillary Clinton and
Rudy Giuliani are running for Patrick Moynihan's soon to be vacant
New York Senate seat. They both talk like it, they act like it;
they even smell like it. You know the smell. A minty fresh first-
date carnations and gardenias kind of thing. But neither one of
them will fess up. Oh, isn't it cute? They're being coy. They
even have advisors going on the Sunday talk shows and talking
and talking about how they're not running and might just decide
to become assistant managers at "Hot Dog On A Stick"
so they can wear those neat paper hats. Of course this way they
don't have to hire full time staffs, and can both save their big
announcement for the bounce when the polls and the consultants
and the talk show hosts say they need it. Hillary might also want
to wait until she moves into her house, and actually becomes a
citizen of the state. Which I hear is considered a plus when running
for Senator. And both of them are busy with day jobs. Mark down
Rudy with the advantage here since his job happens to keep him
in the state on a more consistent basis, while Hillary's seems
to do little more than get her in trouble. And she, like Al Gore,
is having a bit of a problem distancing herself from her husband.
Maybe she could set up her election headquarters in Nashville
Will Durst thinks, "Nah, New Yorkers
hate Tennesseans more than Washingtonians."
MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN, WHERE YOU CAN GO INTO A LIQUOR STORE, FIND
200 DIFFERENT TYPES OF BEER AND YET THEIR WINE SECTION IS THREE
SHELVES LONG AND THE FINEST CHOICE AVAILABLE HAS A SCREW TOP.
Today is the last totally odd day of
our lives. 11/19/1999. Would have been 11/31/1999, but we still
have that "thirty days have blah blah" rhyme burned
like a groove into our brains from primary school, so enjoy the
oddness while you can. The rest of our days will either be all
even or all mixed. Like most of them have been. The next truly
odd day won't be until Jesse Ventura announces his bid for the
White House. Or numerically, 01/01/3001. And that's only if you
consider zero neutral. Otherwise it'll be 1/1/3111, or if you
always add a leading zero like I do, 11/11/3111, but any which
way you cut it, without medical advancements courtesy of an alien
civilization Fed Ex within the next few decades, you and I will
only be able to appreciate them theoretically. The next even day
is 02/02/2000. The first since, 08/28/888. Back when they were
just starting to worry about the whole Y9C problem. Not a single
person in our millennium has experienced an absolutely even day.
Ergo: Prozac. And no one in the next millennium will ever live
through an entirely odd day. Invest in coffee futures. This might
go a long way in explaining what an odd century this has been.
Especially a November Wednesday in 1991. Man, that was odd.
Will Durst likes the idea of one one
one nine nine nine.
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON, WHERE THE TOWN IS PACKED WITH 5,000 DELEGATES
TO THE WORLD TRADE ORGANIZATION MINISTERIAL AND 50,000 PROTESTERS.
MORE THAN WERE IN CHICAGO IN 1968. AND BY LOOKING AT ALL THE GREY
PONYTAILS, I WOULD HAVE TO GUESS A LOT OF THEM WERE THERE AS WELL.
The WTO protesters are flooding the
streets of this town, and you couldn't ask for a nicer place to
try and bring down an international trade body. Seattle is the
American city where nature and civilization reside in the leafiest
of harmony. The most cultivated of frontiers. Up here, the loggers
are environmentalists. Where even the mahi mahi is dolphin free.
A town with homeless guys in Pioneer Square yelling at unwary
tourists for throwing empty bottles in the wrong waste bin. "Does
that look like aluminum to you, Coat Wearer?" See, only coffee
is more important than recycling in the upper left hand corner
of the United States, and that's because coffee is a reason to
live, while recycling is just a full time avocation. Too bad the
delegates and the protesters aren't allowed to mingle: they could
comfort themselves at some of the best book stores in the country
to sit and sip and not communicate in. Alas, the big dog, Fidel
Castro, finally decided not to apply for a visa, meaning not a
single head of state accepted Clinton's invitation to come to
Seattle, but they're probably just heeding the advice of their
intelligence chiefs armed with inside information that the cabs
are going on strike tomorrow and it's going to rain all week.
Will Durst can't imagine: rain in Seattle?
catch the wacky zany antics of will
durst at swannies comedy underground in
seattle during the wto wednesday and thursday nights. its a percentage
Date: Tue, 16 Nov 1999 01:50:29 -0500
a week's worth with chile powder on
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE A JUDGE SAID CHILDREN APPLYING
TO PUBLIC SCHOOLS SUFFER NO IRREPARABLE HARM WHEN ASKED WHAT ETHNIC
GROUP THEY BELONG TO. NO, THE HARM COMES WHEN THE INTERVIEWER
GOES, "OH, REALLY? NO SHIT, SHERLOCK."
The Republican Party gritted its teeth
so hard, they actually drew gum blood when endorsing Mayor Willie
Brown's re- election bid. Must have been similar to the excitement
a family of cobras feels while puffing up hoods to elect a mongoose
to watch over their nest. Of course Republicans only make up about
15% of San Francisco's 450,000 registered voters, so the recommendation
is not earth shattering but with the expected closeness of the
upcoming election, every little bit is going to count. A Central
Committee member said, and please ignore the vague Communist Party
overtones; "We are dealing with shades of gray here, but
shades that are so clear there are no shadows." Those shadows
that don't exist are cast by Willie's run-off rival, Tom Ammiano.
We're talking about an organization that would rather be videotaped
smoking crack with a group of naked girl scouts in a leopard fur
lined New Jersey dumpster than align itself with Tom Ammiano.
A man who is to the Republican Party what a sixteen pound sledgehammer
is to a glass shelf of stemmed crystal goblets. Just a little
to the left of Fidel. Which is why the hens want the fox watching
over their house. A lot more predictable than the weird goose
who just might give the henhouse away to the homeless as a shelter.
Will Durst wonders when the White Supremacists
are going to check in.
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA, A TOWN WITH THE CHARM OF A STORAGE CONTAINER,
THE EFFICIENCY OF A GAS POWERED SCISSORS AND THE ENCHANTMENT OF
FREEWAY ENTRANCE RAMP. IN OTHER WORDS: A TYPICAL AMERICAN TOWN.
I would have thought Larry Holmes had
a better chance of copping the role of Laura in an Off Broadway
production of "Glass Menagerie" before I said this out
loud, but well, here goes Donald Trump is my man. Yes, New York's
billionaire real estate tycoon, you know, the one whose ego dwarfs
the Planet Jupiter. Yeah, the guy who plasters his name on everything
from casinos to hotels to super model girlfriends like a buttoned
down tagger. Probably tattoos his dog. Anyhow, The Donald just
proposed a new tax to erase the national debt, save Social Security,
cut taxes for the middle class, lower cholesterol and grease the
chute for a populist fun ride into a custom fit Reform Party nomination.
Wouldn't be surprised to hear he's guaranteed it as a cure for
the common cold as well as a foolproof oven cleaner and destroyer
of Michael Bolton's vocal cords. The deal is, he'd impose a one-time
14.25 percent tax on the net worth of people and trusts worth
more than $10 million. Imagine that: one of their own, manning
the runaway tax hose soaking the rich at a carefully orchestrated
photo op. He figures to raise $5.7 trillion, 725 million of it
from him, based on an estimated worth of $5 billion. This is called
coyote ambition. When you'd rather gnaw off your own arm than
lose a chance at the Presidency. Of course we'd see a lot of deca
millionaires suddenly contract a severe case of the generosities
giving away money impetuously to charities conveniently dropping
them from eight digit territory down into the high seven digit
pauper trough. With you and me. Sounds like a win win situation
Will Durst wouldn't lose any sleep over
ALBUQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO, THE WORLD CHAMPIONS IN CHILE PEPPER APPRECIATION.
THEY EVEN HAVE CHILE PEPPER PANCAKES ON THE HOTEL COFFEE SHOP
MENU. AND WASH IT DOWN WITH CHILE PEPPER ICE CREAM. WONDER WHAT
I'LL FIND ON MY PILLOW TONIGHT.
Hey everybody, guess what? On the way
to a coronation, an election broke out. Oh, you got to love this
more than rum on a beach with your boss on cellular hold. Content
with his campaign stick shift stuck in neutral coasting downhill
on the way to a roomful of balloons in Philadelphia, George W
Bush Jr hit some speed bumps the size of Montana. First he froze
like a yellow rose in liquid nitrogen when some smarty pants Boston
reporter asked him to name the leaders of Taiwan, Chechnya, Pakistan
and India. Tough questions for even the citizens of those countries
much less a good ol boy with the same grasp of foreign affairs
that Vietnamese pot bellied pigs have of profit to earnings ratios.
Like asking Truman Capote about muleskininng. Or Cindy Crawford
about metal shop. Or Bill Clinton about scruples. And couldn't
you just imagine Al Gore in the back of the classroom desperately
waving his hand: "Ooh, ooh, ask me. I know. Teacher. Ask
me." Then Pizza Hut, of all people, asked the whole slew
of candidates what their favorite book was growing up as a child,
and the Texas Governor cited one that wasn't published until the
year after he graduated from Yale. Proving exactly what we've
suspected all along. An undergraduate degree from Yale lays the
perfect groundwork for reading children's books. "I think
I can, I think I can. Oh, maybe not. Rutherford, is there more
Will Durst says there's always room
ALBUQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO, WHERE THE PHRASE, "OUTSIDE THE BOX"
ORIGINATED. ACTUALLY, WHAT IT BOILS DOWN TO, IS THIS IS THE BOX
THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.
9 out of 10 historians agree; Reagan
picked George Bush Sr. in an effort to appear Presidential, and
in turn, Bush had to scrape the bottom of the barrel with a 36
inch Exacto Knife to come up with Quayle. If George W is indeed
destined for an August balloon inundation, who the hell could
he possibly choose? Wally Cox is dead. Barney Fife was a fictional
character. And Mr. Bean was born on foreign soil. And think of
poor Dan Quayle. He was supposed to be the stupid one. Probably
holed up somewhere laughing his dumb ass off. Or dumbe asse off.
And you know the other guys are all canceling gigs like a drummer
with Hepatitis B after a week in Amsterdam, cramming for the same
kind of third degree Bush received. But let's be fair. Shouldn't
the subjects each candidate is grilled on be as arcane as foreign
policy was to George W? Just turn the debates into a TV quiz show
and call it, "So You Want To Be The Guy Millionaires Suck
Steve Forbes: Name the top four selling
brands of motor oil.
Al Gore: List these four Beastie Boy
albums in order of release ending with the most recent. A. Paul's
Boutique. B. License to Ill. C. Check Your Head. D. Hello Nasty.
Pat Buchanan: Name four countries in
Africa and South Africa doesn't count.
Bill Bradley: Name all five Spice Girls.
John McCain: Name the winners of the
World Series during the years 1968-1973.
Donald Trump: What are the names of
Will Durst wonders if they're feeling
Date: Tue, 9 Nov 1999 04:41:11 -0500
a week's worth a little ragged around
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE SUPERVISOR TOM AMMIANO'S WRITE
IN CAMPAIGN FOR MAYOR HAS GUMMED UP THE WORKS, CAUSING A HUGE
DELAY IN COUNTING BALLOTS. MEANING FIGURES WON'T BE FINAL FOR
A DAY OR SO, BY WHICH TIME HE'LL PROBABLY DROP OUT AGAIN.
The Republican National Committee is
aghast. Al Gore hired feminist author Naomi Wolf as a consultant,
and they are freaking out like drunken banana slugs on a salt
flat. "He seeks out kooks and spends money like a drunken
sailor in port," said RNC spokesman Michael Collins, obviously
not the son of a Navy man. The Gore campaign says Wolf has advised
Gore about talking to young voters. Maybe she could convince him
to stop talking down to all of us. The RNC tried to take advantage
of the controversy by faxing excerpts of Ms. Wolf to conservative
talk show hosts. The GOOP is all upset because she's the woman
who said teenagers should be taught masturbation techniques. Hey,
she meant it as part of sex education, not you should open up
Home Room with it. "All right, class, pay attention. Now
I want everybody to pull out your number two vibrators. You have
five minutes. No checking your neighbors' work. Go. Becky, slower.
Bobbie Joe, arch your back. Erin, wrong end." She advised
Gore earth tones are reassuring and he apparently switched to
brown, olive and tan. Maybe next time she'll tell him not to wear
all three colors at once.
Will Durst thinks what the GOOP is really
saying is he's pusssy whipped.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGH TECH
REVOLUTION AND THREE DAYS AFTER THE ELECTION, WE STILL DON'T KNOW
WHO'S IN THE MAYORAL RUNOFF. MUST HAVE MISPLACED THE ABACUS.
They didn't even wait a day. That's
how determined they are to squeeze each and every one of our pennies
until Lincoln's head squirts liquid copper. The banks, I'm talking
about. Excuse me "THE BANKS." That's how they see themselves.
We're just "the suckers," "the marks" and
"the gullible idiots who let us put 400 day holds on third
party out of state checks even though we get the money in about
forty minutes." On Tuesday, notwithstanding the BANKS outspending
proponents 25 to 1, the citizens of San Francisco voted in favor
of Prop F to outlaw ATM surcharges, and on Wednesday, THOSE VERY
SAME BANKS sought an injunction to block the enforcement of the
very same Prop F. And of course they have the money to fight it
in court, because they're THE BANKS. They using our money. To
screw us. And its perfectly legal. As is charging us 19% interest
on credit cards while paying upwards of 2% on savings accounts.
These new age fiduciary drug dealers sold us on using the ATMs
because it was cheaper than going to a real teller. Now we're
hooked, they're charging $1.50 to access an account somewhere
else on top of $1.50 convenience fee from our own bank for using
someone else's ATM. The battle cry is; "The marketplace should
decide." Except there isn't anybody in the marketplace allowed
to do what they, THE BANKS do. Shouldn't we be entitled to a nonconvenience
fee for that? "Price controls will only inhibit innovation,
put a halt to future ATM growth and shut down thousands of ATMs,
placed for consumers' free use." Yeah, right, and drop your
profit margin from ridiculous down to merely obscene. Nothing
but 24/7 pickpockets snatching loose change whenever we even think
about our wallets. Nickel and diming us to a higher quarterly
dividend. You know what I think: I think those security cameras
are pointing the wrong way.
Will Durst says, "Hey, BANKS! It's
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHICH WILL SEE A MAYORAL RUNOFF BETWEEN
WILLIE BROWN AND TOM AMMIANO. A BLACK GUY VERSUS A GAY GUY. YOU
KNOW I DON'T SEE MY CONCERNS AS A STRAIGHT WHITE MALE BEING REPRESENTED.
THIS MUST BE WHAT ITS LIKE IN THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF WOMEN.
Well, well, well. Looky here. Bill Gates
got his little microchip weenie dusted and slapped by Judge Thomas
Penfield Jackson's findings of fact, when he decided the anti
trust case against Microsoft without a jury. "Jury? We don't
need no stinking jury. Get a rope!" This sets the stage for
an eventual ruling that could either mean the breakup of the software
giant or even such extreme censure as the mandatory group- combing
of Bill himself. What a darn shame. I imagine Netscape and Apple
are holding celebrations that would wake Archimedes. The shelves
of Silicon Valley party supply stores empty. Of course you know
what will happen. The same exact scenario that recently starred
Ma Bell. First it'll split up into umpteen different entities
then slowly merge back together again under the guise of marketplace
forces. Meanwhile, the split and reformed Microsoft stock will
be worth more than the United States Gross National Product, and
eventually they'll take over our government. And then Bill Gates
will become President and everybody will have to wear their hair
like that, and a most of us will move to Amsterdam to drink Heinekin
and eat pommes frites and wear wooden shoes. Click clack. Click
clack. Click clack.
Will Durst promises to buy you a beer
at the Van Gogh Museum.
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA, ONLY AN HOUR AND A HALF FROM EVERYWHERE
ELSE: TAHOE, SAN FRANCISCO, NAPA, CHICO, MONTEREY, RENO AND EVEN
BAKERSFIELD. EERIE, ISN'T IT? WHAT THEY SAID/ WHAT THEY MEANT:
- What William the Conqueror said after
the Battle of Hastings, 1066: They put up a hard fought battle,
but the breaks just happened to fall our way.
- What He Meant: You got to love the
English for lining up together in a close knit formation.
- What Kublai Khan said after succeeding
his brother Mongke as ruler of China, 1260: He was a great Mongol.
- What He Meant: The schmuck was no
- What Tamerlane said after piling 30,000
Persian heads in a mound, 1387: Hey, they always had the choice
- What He Meant: I don't speak Persian.
- What Joan of Arc said after Battle
of Orleans, 1429: It is the will of heaven that the English be
thrown out of France.
- What She Meant: You got to love the
fact the French hate the English so much, they'd believe I hear
- What Columbus said after landing in
Hispaniola, 1492: I claim this land for Isabella and Ferdinand
- What He Meant: Where the hell is Calcutta?
- What George Washington said after
the Battle of Monmouth, 1778: They put up a hard fought battle,
but the breaks just happened to fall our way.
- What He Meant: You got to love the
English for wearing red in the woods.
Will Durst loves the English, just because.
Date: Tue, 2 Nov 1999 04:31:46 -0500
a week's worth with will all over it
CARSON CITY, NEVADA, WHERE A BROTHEL BURNED DOWN IN THE EARLY
HOURS AND IT WAS THE LEAD STORY ON THE LOCAL NEWS. SOME OF THE
GIRLS MOVED ACROSS THE STREET TO WORK AT THE MOONLIGHT BUNNY RANCH.
COOL. NOT THE CONFLAGRATION; NOW I GOT DIRECTIONS.
Yes, supermodels are selling their eggs.
What's everybody flipping out about? You don't want a supermodel
egg, don't buy a supermodel egg you blithering idiot. Its not
like they're on the cover of the Sharper Image Holiday catalogue
or a strategic game piece in a McDonald's Happy Meal Giveaway.
Refuse to go to the website and refuse to inject bulimia into
your bloodline. Yes, it is that simple. George Carlin and Dennis
Miller both sold their integrity for the sake of some bullshit
ripoff 10- 10 number. There's the frickin crime. Not Dennis Miller
so much. He's been playing patty cake with lifesize M & M's
for while now, so at least we're dealing with a guy cognizant
he's neck deep in corporate kissy butt. Not quite the same credibility
gap Bobcat Goldthwaite hanglides above while lambasting talentless
wannabees sucking on various tarnished dignity tailpipes after
himself making a talking horse movie. Oh, I get it, therein lies
your validation. Yeah, right, nice tv show. But Carlin? The only
man left who says stuff all of us believe but only he has the
balls to say? The guy who kicked a cop so he'd be thrown in the
same squad car as a handcuffed Lenny Bruce? I guess eventually,
we all sell our eggs. All depends on what you're willing to hold
out for. Might as well set the standard while you're young and
beautiful. Me, sure sure, I'd sell out in a New York second. Wouldn't
take much either. Condo in Kona. Any bidders? Can't have the whole
soul, though. Just bits and pieces of it at a time, until its
nibbled away like piece of nine grain bread pecked at by ravenous
crows next to a dumpster behind the "Everything Is 99¢"
store at the mall. All I ask is you leave me a little crust to
Will Durst still likes the soft gooey
CARSON CITY, NEVADA, WHERE SATURDAY'S BIG NEVADA DAY PARADE IS
GOING TO CULMINATE IN A SACRIFICE OF THE ENTIRE CAST OF RIVERDANCE.
WELL, NO, NOT ACTUALLY, BUT I'M TRYING TO BUILD A GROUNDSWELL
I read about it and saw some clips on
the tube, but I still can't believe it happened: Bill Bradley
debating Al Gore in round one of seven New Hampshire debates?
Did they seal the doors from the outside? Who must I have intercourse
with to get the Vivarin concession in this setup? Which do you
prefer? Dutch elm disease or narcolepsy. Granite versus marble.
"Excuse me sir, would you like some ice on your wood?"
The race for the Democratic nomination for President is shaping
up to being the most boring since my third grade social studies
teacher rammed through Marni Minor as hall monitor on the straight
"Because I said so" ticket. Both are stiffer than Jesse
Helms on a Gay Pride Parade float and each is so excruciatingly
precise in their answers you'd think they were explaining the
importance of fire drills to a classroom of Attention Deficit
Disorder pre- schoolers. Six more of these policy wonk lovefests
with the major contention between the two being one wants to amortize
the Social Security cost of living increases while the other thinks
a means test might be more appropriate. Together they have the
sex appeal of a rusted out propane tank. Yeah, these guys are
going to make the general populous forget about Clinton. And the
Democratic Party as well.
Will Durst is a Pisces Dragon.
RENO, NEVADA, WHERE GAMBLING, PROSTITUTION, AND 24 HOUR DRINKING
AREN'T JUST A TRADITION, THEY'RE A WAY OF LIFE. BUT I THINK THEY'D
GIVE THEM ALL UP AS LONG AS THEY COULD KEEP THE THREE DOLLAR BUFFET.
First it was mandatory bicycle helmets.
Now they're ruining Halloween for kids. Making them go out during
the daytime. That is so weenie. You can't look scary during the
daytime, even in really good Newt Gingrich makeup. You know, with
that grey felt helmet hair and the multiple chins. Of course I
may be dim, but not overwhelmingly dim. So I can figure out why
they're doing it. Because there's weird people out there. Especially
around Capitol Hill during business hours. But let's be honest,
there have always been weird people out there. Every neighborhood
had ONE house you did NOT go to. And everybody knew whose house
it was too. "Oh Jeez hey, don't go to the Giuliani House.
Ol lady Giuliani's putting syringes in the brownies, she's not
even trying to hide them. The points are sticking right up out
of the crust. I've gone through three pillow cases. My mom is
going to be pissed." Back at the Westward Ho subdivision
in New Berlin, Wisconsin, we organized our own nocturnal pre-
Internet. Me, Jeff Treadl, Bob Bielefeld and John Kashian would
divvy up the subdivision into quadrants and later we'd reconnoiter
and ascertain who was giving away regulation size Snickers bars.
Not the phony toy 5/8ths ounce minis, but the standard, 1 3/4
ounce size. We'd line up and go back over and over. Switching
masks. Affecting limps. "Drag your foot, you're a crippled
space man now." Then we'd resell the stash in the teacher's
lounge. Apprentice capitalists.
Will Durst lives in San Francisco, where
Halloween is redundant.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE OFFICIAL HALLOWEEN CELEBRATION
IN CIVIC PLAZA DREW 6,000 PEOPLE AND THE OUTLAW CELEBRATION ON
CASTRO STREET DREW 275,000 PEOPLE. MEANING REBELS OUTNUMBER NORMAL
PEOPLE HERE 46 TO 1.
Pity Prince Al. You can see the frustration
etched onto his outstanding Grecian brow. Mr. Perfect Attendance
is stymied. He just can't figure out why we underclassmen don't
appreciate all the things he's gone way out of his way to do for
us. Even the counselors acknowledge he's the best Senior Class
Vice President we've ever had. Isn't this the same Mr. Honor Roll
who banished the smokers to the 7- 11 parking lot and brought
OSHA standards to Shop? How bout his fiber optic rewiring of the
school's telecommunication system, so it sends out immediate automated
notices to the homes of the tardy and absentee? Why isn't he receiving
kudos from the student body for his unfailing support of higher
scholastic standards and more rigid polyeurathane seat benches
in the detention room? Hasn't he stood as a model for permanence
and marble monuments? And why the gosh darn hasn't this square
jawed world class resolution translated into nubile cheerleaders
sucking the chrome off his bumper hitch? Metaphorically speaking
that is. Poor petrified Al, he studies hard all his life to be
the best and the brightest and now he can't get people to take
him seriously because he got too good at it.
Will Durst assumes Al's next profession
will have something to do with study hall.br>oh yeah, by the way, will durst at cobbs'
comedy club in the courtyard of
thursday through sunday
415 928 4445
Date: Tue, 26 Oct 1999 04:58:39 -0400
a ghastly week's worth
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE FORMER CAMPAIGN CONSULTANT CLINT
REILLY IS RUNNING FOR MAYOR ON THE IKE TURNER PLATFORM: I DIDN'T
REALLY HIT HER THAT HARD, AND BESIDES THE WENCH WAS ASKING FOR
Campaign Finance Reform Trivia Quiz.
1. The Senate failed to end the Republican
filibuster to allow discussion on the campaign finance reform
bill. How many votes short was it?
A. 60. It was such a nice day, nobody
B. 8. Does the term, along party lines have any meaning here?
C. 0. Someone told Al Gore Bradley was in favor of it, and he
mistakenly cast the deciding vote against it.
2. Senator Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., said
in response to the failure.
A. Well, we sneaked it by them again,
B. There is no momentum whatsoever for this.
C. Drinks on the house and give the bill to those suckers paying
3. "Soft Money" is
A. Money that melts in your wallet,
not in your bank account.
B. The unlimited sums that flow to the national political parties
from corporate treasuries.
C. Not as hard as "stiff money" but a lot softer than
4. Any Republican Senator in favor of
campaign finance reform is
A. A commie pinko yellow rat bastard.
B. Running for President.
C. Obviously not up for re- election in the year 2000.
5. If Senator John McCain had answered
Senator Mitch McConnell's demand to name exactly who was corrupted
by "Soft Money," he would have said
A. Everybody from the entire Congress,
to all state legislatures, and down to senior class high school
B. Mitch McConnell.
C. Not Liddy Dole, and look what happened to her.
Will Durst thinks the answers are all
B, except for question 4, which is All Of The Above.
SUNOL, CALIFORNIA, THE SMALL NORTHERN CALIFORNIA TOWN OF APPROXIMATELY
1000 WHOSE MAYOR FOR 11 YEARS WAS A DOG NAMED BOSCO. NICE TO SEE
PEOPLE TO ACKNOWLEDGE TRUE LEADERSHIP QUALITIES WITHOUT REGARD
TO SPECIES PREJUDICE.
Sorry I've been a mite slow these last
couple of days. I got this lung mung that's going around, so instead
of going on that quickie vacation with my lovely wife Debi up
in Bodega Bay like we were supposed to, she and I are hanging
around the house hocking up loogies the size of footstools. A
lot of the warming up exercises are the same. Except, now, the
arms akimbo out of control sliding is done on a thin layer of
used kleenexes. I think I'm getting better, because the loogies
are no longer the color of pale grass, but more of a mother of
pearl translucent sort of deal. Called the doctor to inquire how
to get rid of this creeping crap, and he said not only doesn't
he know, but if I should figure it out to call him immediately
since he's had it for over a month and can't seem to shake it.
Good news, especially when Dan Rather and Tom Brokaw just can't
stop talking about Anthrax. I'm just glad 48 hours have gone by
and the two of us haven't crashed and bled out yet. I hate being
sick. I'd rather be in Idaho than be sick. Food doesn't taste
good, cigarettes are a death defying act, and even coffee seems
horribly horribly wrong. Everything that validates being an adult
becomes suddenly not only worthless but your enemy. And if you
want to get well, you have a bedtime. And your allowance is used
up on coughdrops. Not even those good cherry flavored candy ones,
but the healthy eucalyptus kind. Sick sucks.
Will Durst thinks you shouldn't look
at what happens when you put the red and the green Nyquil together.
MONTEREY, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE BEAUTY OF NATURE'S WONDER IS ENOUGH
TO BLIND YOU. ALONG WITH THE PRICES OF THE CERAMIC OTTER PLATES
AND THE FASHION SENSE OF THE HORDES OF LUMBERING TOURISTS.
Hasn't it always seemed more suspicious
than a brown towel in a prison hospital ward that Halloween, the
holiday celebrating the soulless undead means Election Day is
the following Tuesday. The two do have a lot more in common than
sharing the same linear space of a calendar page. The smell of
desperation as the evening nears and the giddy excitement of pre-
pubescent revelers for two. And purely as a public service for
your edification I have catalogued a couple of others.
1. The people who best pretend to be
somebody else obtain the mostest bestest goodies.
2. Ghouls rule.
3. The real work goes on in places where darkness and secrecy
4. The scariest are the ones who don't even know they're wearing
5. James Carville is an honorary mascot.
6. If you don't come through with the right favors you run the
risk of getting TP'ed. AKA: trick or treat.
7. The major focus of the event is orange skinned vegetables
with the smiles carved on.
8. Greed is not only encouraged but rewarded.
9. Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon are perennial favorites.
10. Well meaning warnings not to get involved are continually
made and continually go unheeded.
Will Durst still shudders at encountering
a Calvin Coolidge mask during third grade.
PACIFIC GROVE, CALIFORNIA, WHERE TED TURNER PHILANTHROPIST/ RANCH
OWNER (WE KNOW IT AS WYOMING) SPOKE TO THE EGA AND TALKED ABOUT
HITLER PICKING HIS NOSE. DON'T ASK, IT SEEMED TO FIT AT THE TIME.
You listen to the speakers down here at the Environmental Grantmakers
Association and you'd think the world was ending in an hour. Talk
talk talk: we're running out of space, we're running out of water,
we're running out of air. Doom and gloom. Gloom and doom. There's
a hole in the ozone at both of the poles. So what? Just comb it
over from the equator. We have to return the earth to its original
state. Yeah, kinda precludes the whole human deal doesn't it?
Save the world. Save the world. Not one word about money. If we're
running out of all this stuff, wouldn't that just make it all
the more valuable? How come we're not busy locking up the oxygen
concession? Nobody ever thinks about the brightside of global
warming. Except me.
* Think of all the energy saved when
Sweden doesn't have to import coffee anymore.
* Microwave cooking available in any outdoor area.
* Oceanfront property in South Dakota.
* Hefty Bags remarketed as Sunblock 8000.
* The tasty treat of Arctic tuna.
* Desert dune buggy race courses everywhere.
* Siberian surfing excursions.
* More realistic desolate barren outer planet landscapes readily
available for "Armageddon" sequels.
* Martha Stewart hair products causes her head to spontaneously
* Software salesman conduct client calls in thongs.
Will Durst assumes beachwear would be
considered formal attire.
don't forget to see will durst live
at the improv in the lovely reno hilton
tuesday the twenty sixth through sunday the thirty first
that's today folks
head on up
Date: Tue, 19 Oct 1999 04:17:02 -0400
an exasperated week's worth
BEL AIR, CALIFORNIA, WHERE AUTHORITIES SAID THEY FOUND A DEAD
GUY AT WILT CHAMBERLAIN'S HOUSE BUT COULDN'T IDENTIFY THE BODY.
I'M THINKING, YOU GOT A SIXTY- THREE-YEAR-OLD SEVEN-FOOT BLACK
GUY. CALL UP BILL RUSSELL AND IF HE ANSWERS, IT'S WILT.
To say the Republicans didn't receive
a whole lot of favorable response for their plan to balance the
budget on the backs of the poor by delaying Earned Income Tax
Credits, is like saying the introduction of the Ebola Virus into
the drinking water of New York City is not being welcomed with
open arms. Excepting of course people living upstate. But you
can't keep a good GOPer down and I'm sure they're poised like
a flock of mangy turkey vultures on a telephone wire overlooking
a pen of diseased baby chicks waiting to unleash Even More
Clever Republican Schemes To Balance The Budget.
* Schedule a Congressional salute to
Nancy Reagan, putting Democrats to sleep and then change all
* Keep the numbers the same, just change
all the figures to base 8 and then spend like sailors on leave
in a Mexican port.
* We pay farmers not to grow wheat,
pay the homeless not to use social services. Doesn't need to
be a long term program.
* Soylent Green.
* Institute a tariff on books by French
authors and tax subtitles on all foreign movies.
* Quick sale of all senior citizens
to the Dutch.
* Four words: Washington Monument and
product placement. The blue wrapper they slid over it looks like
a Trojan ad.
* Use our military to prop up international
despots in exchange for huge weapons buys from our defense contractors.
Oh right, that's already in the budget.
Will Durst would suggest mortgaging
our children's future for some instant gratification, but he thinks
that's already been done as well.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE A NEW WRINKLE HAS ENTERED THE
MAYOR'S RACE. SUPERVISOR TOM AMMIANO IS ENTERING AS A WRITE IN
CANDIDATE. WHY NOW, WITH LESS THAN 20 DAYS TILL THE ELECTION?
BECAUSE SAN FRANCISCO NEEDS DECISIVE LEADERSHIP.
You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This.
* Instant Replay is being used by the
NFL. Of course at Dallas Cowboy games, coaches can access the
extra angle the DEA surveillance cameras provide.
* Hillary denies seeking plastic surgery.
Said she doesn't want to be "someone she's not," while
on her stump tour of New York in an effort to represent their
needs in the US Senate.
* A British court allowed the extradition
of Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet to stand trial in Spain.
Still unsure how a conviction would affect his CIA pension.
* Linda Tripp is suing the White House
and Pentagon for invasion of privacy. No, that's the entire joke.
* Kenneth Starr is scheduled to clean
out his office next week. Imagine he's off to Afghanistan to
teach the Taliban how to be puritanical.
* George W's denial of doing illegal
drugs suspiciously stops at 1974. And what was Dad's job during
that time? Head of the CIA. So, what are the chances the drugs
George W doesn't deny doing were the same drugs the CIA didn't
bring in during what wasn't the Vietnam War?
* Senator John McCain officially announced
his candidacy for President. After enduring more than five years
of torture in a POW camp, one can only assume he developed a
taste for it.
Will Durst imagines Senator McCain has
grown immune to the press.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE EXPERTS PREDICT A 70% CHANCE
OF ANOTHER BIG EARTHQUAKE IN THE NEXT THIRTY YEARS. WHAT ARE WE
SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT THAT? MOVE? GOOD IDEA. MAYBE ENOUGH PEOPLE
WILL SO THAT A NORMAL HUMAN COULD ACTUALLY AFFORD TO LIVE HERE.
10 years after, those of us who encountered
the biggish one of 89 have turned into jaded quake aficionados.
Had a tiny trembler the other day and the overall response was,
"Oh, that, an earthquake? No, I don't think so. Not even
a decent aftershock. A whimsical little quiver with a smooth buttery
finish, but not a quake. Our cats won't hide under the beds for
less than a 6.0." The upside of quakes is they're over in
less than a minute. No drawn out days watching the weather channel
for updated computer plottings. We start with nothing. Then, BAM!!!!
Then you clean up. And that's it. Little muss, some fuss. If I
really have to go, which it seems I must, what with everyone steadfastly
insisting I do, I wouldn't really mind doing it because the earth
starts dancing, a chasm appears, I fall in, it slams shut. Makes
it seem so pointed. "I want you! Now!" Speaking of death
wish, my favorite true story of San Francisco: a couple of years
ago, there was an earthquake in the Pacific Ocean, like an 8.0,
which is Heavy Richter. So all along the Pacific Rim there was
a Tidal Wave Watch and in San Fran, 2000 people go down to Ocean
Beach to spectate a tidal wave. I'm thinking, this has got to
be nature's delicate way of weeding out the stupid. And you know
there had to have been one surfer in a wet suit on a board, screaming
"Hellabitchin radical wave dude." Smeck! Right into
the Pyramid Building.
As Will Durst says, "look at the
Pyramid Building, what other city would provide Ring Toss for
RENO, THE FORGOTTEN LITTLE BROTHER OF LAS VEGAS THEY KEEP IN THE
ATTIC OF NEVADA. A TOWN WHERE THE HEIGHT OF SOPHISTICATION IS
WEARING PRESSED JEANS TO THE TRACTOR PULL.
Oh yeah, the earthquake thing. My parents
in the Midwest flip out a lot more than I do. "How can you
live out there? Aren't you afraid of the big one?" Yeah right
Ma; I hope the big one does come and the rest of the country slides
into the Atlantic. Make Tahoe the East Coast. "Hey dude,
where you going?" "Headed towards the East Coast man,
want to be there by noon. Want me to drop you off in the Midwest,
somewhere around Placerville?" I love those scientist guys
who say pets can predict earthquakes. Yeah, I can't tell you how
many times I've retreated to my bunker because my cats were aloof.
"We better get out of her, Mr. Bigglesworth is acting distant
and yet somehow indifferent. Aaarggghh!" I remember one time
a shaker hit while I was coming across the Golden Gate Bridge.
It was twisting up and down and left and right. I got to the toll
booth and gave the guy a five. "Keep the change. It was worth
it." The last five years in the Golden Plated state, we've
had droughts, fires, floods, mudslides and earthquakes and people
keep moving for the climate. We should just change the name from
California to Satan's Drive-By.
Will Durst predicts next year, a rain
of frogs will be detected by the Doppler Radar.
Date: Tue, 12 Oct 1999 14:28:53 -0400
a reformed week's worth
PORTLAND, OREGON, WHERE IT'S RAINING. WHO KNEW? WHENEVER YOU SEE
A REDHEAD UP HERE, YOU CAN'T ASSUME THEY'RE IRISH, BUT MUST CONSIDER
FIRST THEY MIGHT BE POOR UNFORTUNATES AFFLICTED WITH TERMINAL
The big Reagan biography came out and
the Republican powers that be are madder than a bunch of roosters
in a henhouse after vasectomy surgery. I'm pissed because of all
the stuff that didn't make the book. Remember when the old man
blamed pollution on trees? Right after he said ketchup was a vegetable.
What happened to those telling tales? We're talking about the
guy who vetoed the clean water bill. Vetoed the clean water bill!
What was going through his tiny little mind? "Clean water,
hunh, well, I don't know, I better have Nancy sacrifice a goat
and paw through the entrails. And now, introducing the newest
member of my Cabinet, Countess Zenda." People give him credit
for ending the Cold War, but nobody mentions the fact he was the
very same nuclear cowboy responsible for heating up the damn thing,
by talking about limited nuclear warfare, which is a lot like
saying partial total destruction. In fact, I never really worried
ol Lizard Neck was going to push the button, I was always afraid
he would nod out and fall on it. Then after he retires, he writes
a letter to the press saying he had Alzheimer's Disease. My theory
is he wrote the letter in 1979 and just forgot to mail it.
Will Durst's theory is the public wants
a fraud they can believe in.
PORTLAND, OREGON, WHERE A CONFIDENTIAL POLICE REPORT ADMITS PORTLAND'S
FINEST INFILTRATED A DOWNTOWN DEMONSTRATION AGAINST THE BOMBING
OF IRAQ BACK IN DECEMBER. JUST LIKE OREGON TO GET THE SIXTIES
THIRTY YEARS LATER.
Ronald Reagan, we were talking about
Reagan and his legacy as defined by Edmund Morris, who wrote the
biography "Dutch" in which he included himself as a
fictional character who wanders in and out of the Gipper's life.
A fictional biography. What a perfect fit for the most fictional
of all Presidents. It's like trying to use a vice grips on a shadow.
A man as malleable as liquid mercury in zero gravity. And yet
people are complaining. "But where's the nuance? Where's
the subtle fixed gradations?" Hey guys, we're talking about
the man famous for napping at Cabinet meetings. How many gradations
of obliviousness are you looking for? When testifying at the various
Congressional hearings he simply claimed he didn't remember, couldn't
recall, had no idea and nobody questioned it. Everybody assumed
he We're talking about the emptiest vessel since they found the
shell of the Titanic. The guy who coined the phrase "Just
say no." And he led the way by taking a drug test. Of course,
he had three weeks advance notice, and the results weren't publicized.
Hell, Keith Richards could pass that test. But mostly Reagan will
be forever be remembered for his trickle down economics theory,
as characterized by George Bush as "voodoo economics."
Or as we the American public interpreted it, "more is good,
most is best, too much is not enough."
Will Durst has no memory of the eighties.
Maybe he wasn't there.
PORTLAND, OREGON, WHERE THE RECYCLING POLICE WILL CHASE YOU DOWN
IF YOU EVEN ATTEMPT TO PUT A TIN CAN IN A BIN THAT'S MARKED WHITE
PAPER. THINK IT'S A FELONY.
So the deal is, it seems George W Bush
really is smarter than a bucket of rocks. Well, clever enough
to figure out a candidate claiming to be "Mr. Compassionate
Conservative" doesn't try to pay for rich people's pork sandwiches
by skipping across the heads of the poor by taking away their
Earned Income Tax Credits. When the Republican Congress first
floated the idea, the thought was every right thinking GOPer would
fall in line with the same practiced goose step they've perfected
since Newt Gingrich first trained his Revolutionary army. Unexpectedly,
Georgie Peorgie Pudding and Pie decided, since he already had
the nomination sewed up, now was the time to position himself
for the general election, which does not include treating the
poor and middle class like stepping stones on the way to Capital
Gains Reduction Valhalla. A far thinking Republican. Who knew?
Maybe the guy is Reagan redux. Maybe the guy can reshape the Republican
Party into the Party of the little guy. A party with its focus
on the future rather than the next quarterly dividend. A party
that cares about people instead of corporate interests. Of workers
instead of lobbyists. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Sorry, had a brain glitch
there. We got a better chance of Pat Robertson advocating a needle
exchange program. Or Hillary Clinton pushing for anti carpetbagger
Will Durst will believe it when he sees
PORTLAND, OREGON, WHERE THE MINIMUM WAGE IS $6.5O AN HOUR; $1.35
MORE THAN THE REST OF THE COUNTRY. THEN YOU TAKE IN THE COST OF
LIVING UP HERE AND IT MEANS BUS BOYS ARE LIVING LIKE KINGS.
Pat Buchanan is threatening to bolt
the Republican Party for the Reform Party probably because the
Nazi Party is in such disarray these days. And now the actress
Cybil Shepherd is making noises about running for President. Not
very intelligible noises, but that's never been a prerequisite
before, so why quibble. She brings something to the Presidential
race it's never had; cheesecake potential. If you discount the
hot passionate allure that was Geraldine Ferraro, that is. I imagine
Shepherd is also thinking of the Chock Full of Nuts Party, aka:
the Reform Party, because all those other parties have so many
gosh darn rules, like filing restrictions and platforms. What
with Donald Trump and Warren Beatty talking about getting their
feet wet, the field is getting crowded but there's still a lot
of constituencies not represented and plenty of room left on that
Reform Party nomination ballot. So here's my suggestions of available
candidates over 35 who still could file for the hand of H. Ross
Perot and his ragged band of followers.
* Ron Reagan Jr. He's got better name
recognition factor than George W. and neither dad is going to
* Michelle Pfeiffer. Hell, I'd vote
* Mr. Fred Rogers. Lets see Pat Robertson
try to wrench the Christian Coalition vote from a saint.
* Charles Barkely. He's been talking
about running for office and might be the only guy who can post
up against Bill Bradley.
* Bob Hope. Who doesn't love Bob Hope,
and he's younger and more sentient than Strom Thurmond.
* * Will Durst * * would run, but he's
got enough skeletons in the closet to outfit a Halloween Frighthouse
held in the Astrodome.
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE 13 MILLION MEMBERS OF THE AFL
CIO CONVENTION AND ITS 68 UNIONS ARE SET TO VOTE ON AN ENDORSEMENT
OF EITHER BRADLEY OR GORE. KIND OF LIKE CHOOSING BETWEEN CREAM
OF OATS AND CREAM OF WHEAT.
It's musical chairs time in the Democratic
Party with the candidates switching roles faster than company
players in a Elizabethan theater troupe. First you got your Gore,
the heir apparent challenging the challenger, Bradley, to a series
of debates. While the ex New Jersey Senator is the one playing
hard to get and taking the high road. This is real similar to
some tiny little startup throwing venomous spitballs at AT&T.
Oh, maybe I need a better analogy there. Gore went so far as to
dump the Vice Presidential Seal usually hanging on his lectern
and has even abandoned the lectern altogether to move closer to
his audience. Kind of like a Calvin Coolidge talk show. If I were
the Vivarin people I'd step up production in anticipation of the
debates between the two. Then RoboVeep moved to Nashville so he
can play Mr. Outsider and display the proper barbecue stains on
his $2600 suits to prove it. At the same time Bradley queried
"why can't the race be like McGwire and Sosa?" I have
no idea what that means. Maybe he plans to pull a Hillary and
claim Caribbean descent. Or maybe he's accusing Prince Al of being
pumped up on steroids. Which might explain the stepped up challenge
to now include a death cage match. "Two go in, only one comes
Will Durst thinks the Democrats could
pocket quite a bit of coin on the Pay Per View.
Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1999 02:46:36 -0400
dutch's weeks worth
CANDLESTICK PARK, SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE GIANTS
LOST TO THE DODGERS IN THE THIRD LAST BASEBALL GAME EVER TO BE
PLAYED HERE. 80 DEGREES AT A NIGHT GAME AND I WORE SHORTS. LIKE
AFTER 40 YEARS THE PARK IS LAUGHING AT US, "OH YOU WANTED
WARM. YOU MEAN LIKE THIS?"
Oh my God, here we go again. Wake up
Harry and Louise or whatever the hell they were called, because
the liberals are planning to mess with the health care again.
Bill Bradley, the so-called cerebral candidate, meaning he should
know better than to get involved in an issue stickier than a frosted
cinammon roll on a vinyl seat in Death Valley, unveiled a reform
package that would enable every American child to have health
insurance. Did you hear that? Everyone of them. Not just the children
of those who can afford the deductibles, but all of them. Poor
kids even. And he wants to use the federal budget surplus to pay
for it. To squander away our hard earned tax cuts for the health
of the children of America's less fortunate. What is he thinking?
The man has obviously gone quite mad. Now, we all know compassionate
conservatism is when you pass a homeless guy on the street and
say "Hi," but this is bleeding heart liberalism at its
worst. Whatever happened to the survival of the fittest? The thinning
of the herd? Next thing you know he'll be calling for a living
wage, probably citing some lame excuse like poor people's right
to eat food. Damn liberals.
Will Durst bets real family values candidates
like Gary Bauer aren't jumping on any health care reform bandwagon.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US AND
THE REAL WORLD IS HERE ANY FIFTEEN PEOPLE WITH THE SAME HAIRCUT
QUALIFY AS A RELIGION.
New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani doesn't
like art. Well not all kinds of art. Just a certain kind of art.
The kind of art that people might object to because he's running
for Senator of New York kind of art. You know: anti voter art.
To be specific; anti Catholic voter art. Of course this is the
guy who sucked up to Disney so hard he should have mouse ears
tattooed on the inside of his cheeks, so we can safely generalize
his idea of art history probably doesn't include South of Houston
post modernistic romance bohemianism, or as it is known in some
circles; SoHoPoMoRoBo. Giuliani is to art what rabid wounded wolverines
are to Ming Dynasty tapestries. Personally, I don't think he knows
enough about art to be able to spell it if you spotted him the
"A" and the "T." If he had his way, the Brooklyn
Museum of Art would be full of nothing but big eyed dogs playing
poker with Elvis on velvet. "Now that's aft." Of course,
as a response, his competitor for the vacating Senator Moynihan's
seat, Hillary Clinton, is being forced to support the presentation
of a picture of the Holy Virgin Mary with a piece of elephant
dung clumped on her right breast, a position she would probably
trade with the fringe on one of those Oriental tapestries we earlier
Will Durst thinks this position is known
to liberals as the dreaded First Amendment corner.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE MAYORAL CANDIDATES ARE NOW
HEATING UP THE MUD THEY'RE SLINGING. WAIT UNTIL THEY START HIDING
ROCKS INSIDE IT, AND THEN WE'LL KNOW ELECTION DAY IS NEAR.
In the perfect ironically twisted ending
to the Reagan legacy, conservatives are wringing their hands and
keening in the street because Edmund Morris' long awaited new
biography of Ronald Reagan provides little or no insight into
the man. Hello! You can't high dive into a sidewalk puddle people.
Face it --most Presidents are figureheads--Reagan was a hood ornament.
He had the intellectual depth of a ashtray. The guy was an actor,
for crum's sake. Trained to read other people's lines. If he had
been good at writing and delivering his own lines, he would have
been a comic. Heh heh heh. Wasn't even a good actor. Turned down
Bogart's part in the movie "Casablanca." Imagine how
history would have changed if he had taken the part. Bogart might
have been President. Of course, "Casablanca" would have
been a crappy movie. I mean, a society has to have priorities.
After Hinckley's assassination attempt, Uncle Ron didn't even
know he was shot. I don't know about you, but I'd prefer future
Presidents come fully equipped with central nervous systems. Even
a single cell animal knows he's been injured. Paramecium go "Oww."
And this is the guy everybody is saying George W. Bush reminds
them of. We should be so lucky. If they wanted a blank slate that
bad you'd think every effort would have been made to keep Quayle
in the race.
Will Durst misses Danny Boy already.
Will durst will be performing in Portland
tuesday through saturday at Harveys
stop on by and say hi
Date: Tue, 28 Sep 1999 01:16:44 -0400
it's a wonder it's been a week's worth
MERCED, CALIFORNIA, WHERE HUNDREDS OF TURKEY VULTURES HAVE TAKEN
UP RESIDENCE IN PARK TREES AND THE CITY FATHERS ARE TRYING TO
SCARE THEM AWAY WITH FIREWORKS. WONDER IF THE SAME TACTIC WOULD
WORK WITH OUR MAYORAL CANDIDATES.
Things You Can Count On To Happen Sometime
During An Election Campaign:
* Inevitably, in a fit of pique, one
candidate will call his opponent a scum sucking sheep rapist
with the morals of a hyena with one leg caught in a trap and
later when he is forced to drop out he will still be able, with
a straight face, to wholeheartedly throw his support behind the
very same candidate.
* A campaign manager will get caught
redhanded leaking horrible information about the competition.
When exposed he will be loudly sacked, only later to be rehired
with all the fanfare of a Klan meeting.
* At some time a staffer will let it
slip he thinks Hitler was misunderstood. Not Hitler himself,
but his motives. Only in the Pat Buchanan campaign will it turn
out to actually be the candidate.
* It is only the first, second, third
and subsequent times you hear the phrase "Its not about
the money," before you can be absolutely positively sure
its all about the money.
* It will be constantly denied and
continuously concealed but the overriding subtext to everything
that goes on is the difference between a bribe and a campaign
contribution is nothing more than five syllables.
Will Durst would be out of a job if
these people were ever straight with us.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE DEVELOPERS ARE COMPETING TO SEE
WHICH OF THEM GETS PERMITS TO BUILD THE EQUIVALENT OF SIX PYRAMID
BUILDINGS DOWNTOWN. IF THEY WERE ALL PYRAMID SHAPED WE COULD PLAY
HOLOGRAPHIC RING TOSS.
I'll write it, but you're not going
to believe it. I hate to beleaguer a point, but you can't make
stuff up like this. Janet Reno and the Justice Department sued
the tobacco industry to recover billions of dollars we taxpayers
spent on smoking related health care. The same Federal Government
subsidizing tobacco farmers to the tune of millions of dollars
a year. The same Federal Government that spent the last thirty
years warning the public about the dangers of smoking. And now
it's new news? Oh, and did I mention, Janet Reno also announced
at the very same press conference she's closing without charges
the five year criminal investigation into whether tobacco companies
lied to Congress about the addictive nature of tobacco. Hey, c'mon
Janet Baby, I know it's addictive, you know it's addictive, they
knew we knew they knew it's addictive. We knew they knew we knew
they knew we knew. They knew you get the idea. They had memos
about its addictive nature, they had studies about its addictive
nature, hell, they probably had tattoos. "Born to drag."
And they laughed at us. On national tv. Just giggling and punching
each other in the arm up there: "No, of course I don't think
cigarettes are addictive." "Me neither." "Yeah,
what they said." "Hunh, I'm sorry, (snicker) what was
the question again oh yeah. Wait, No. I. Don't. Think. Cigarettes.
Are. Addictive. Either. I'm not even sure cigarettes exist. Are
you? I don't see any here."
Will Durst isn't sure the Justice Department
understands the nature of its name.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE A RECENT POLL SHOWS THE THREE
MAJOR MAYORAL CANDIDATES ALL HAVE HIGHER UNFAVORABLE RATINGS THAN
THEY DO FAVORABLE RATINGS.
The makers of the TEC-9 are now marketing
their product as being "finger print resistant." A semi
automatic weapon known on the streets as a "bullet hose"
and now it leaves no fingerprints. Gee, I can't imagine to whom
this revelation is being targeted? Exceptionally persnickety target
shooters? Hunters? Not too many deer out there with access to
fingerprint kits. Those hooves are so unwieldy. Cops? Well, maybe
a couple of New York's finest in need of a throwdown. But no.
One doesn't have to be a MacArthur genius to figure out the only
people who would be interested in a finger proof resistant gun
would be people who don't want to leave any fingerprints and want
to shoot something. I'm thinking bad guys. Gun manufacturers advertising
to criminals. What next?
Frequent felony miles?
Get Out Of Jail Free Coupons?
Receive a tiny action figure of famous
bad guys throughout history with every purchase: Collect Them
Form a division of Colombia House: The
Piece of the Month Club.
Jumping on the bandwagon, I can see
Pharmaceuticals flacking "a totally untraceable poison perfect
for getting rid of unwanted household pests such as cockroaches
and deadbeat husbands."
Internet sights featuring detailed instructions
on how to make bombs out of equipment normally found in any pantry.
Oh yeah, I forgot, we already got that.
Will Durst thinks what a great time
to be a criminal in America.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE WORLD HAS A WHOLE DIFFERENT
FEEL. FOR INSTANCE, HERE A CONSERVATIVE IS ANYBODY WHO DOESN'T
HAVE TWO DIFFERENT NATIONAL PUBLIC RADIO PRESETS ON HIS CAR RADIO.
Dear Vice President Quayle:
On behalf of my fellow professionals, please allow me to express
our deep disappointment at your recent announcement you can no
longer continue your valiant pursuit of the Republican Party's
nomination for the Presidency. After all you're responsible for
a large part of our income. But its not just us, the whole country
is destined to be poorer without your childlike enthusiasm and
the unique viewpoint you bring to an increasingly homogenous
public fray. You are a singular voice without peer in electoral
politics and will be missed like toothpicks at a Barbecue joint.
Not to mention your patented delivery and that special wide eyed
look of a forgotten innocence you bring to every interview show.
If its a matter of money, I'm sure my confederates and I could
raise a couple of bucks to tide you over until your inevitable
breakthrough. But I'm sure you have your mind made up, and as
you have so often said, "its a terrible thing to waste one's
mind." So great good luck on your upcoming (I'm sure) book
tour and we'll be looking forward to your special insights on
the rest of the Presidential election campaign. Oh yeah, we'll
miss Marilyn and her hairdo too. Please do not think it beneath
yourself to hope for George W's demise so you can throw your
beanie into the ring once again for the 2004 carnival. We are.
On behalf of comedians and editorial
I remain your ever ardent admirer,
don't forget to watch the...
oh, never mind
Date: Tue, 21 Sep 1999 00:08:49 -0400
depends on what your definition of
week's worth is
BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE HOUSING CRISIS HAS GOTTEN SO BAD,
ONE LANDLORD IS CHARGING A YEAR'S RENT IN ADVANCE. REMEMBER WAY
BACK IN THE GOOD OL DAYS WHEN THAT WAS KNOWN AS A DOWN PAYMENT?
You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This.
- Jesse Ventura refereed at a recent
WCW event. There was a bit of a protest from some of the wrestlers
who thought the presence of a politician would cheapen the sport.
- If Al Gore falls in a primary race,
does he make a sound?
- Why is it, the biggest outcries against
same sex marriage always come from places attempting to uphold
the sacred bond between a man and his cousin?
- An appeals court ruled New London,
Connecticut officials were justified in rejecting a man for a
position as a peace officer because he scored too highly on intelligence
tests. Can't have a cop craving croissants now can we? Must have
the same restrictions in place for politicians. Its the only
- Newt Gingrich reached a divorce agreement
with his second wife, after the disclosure of his relationship
with a 33 year old Congressional aide. Guess those family values
he keeps talking about are based on Caligula's family.
- In Maryland, doctors removed half
a girl's brain, turning her into a boy?
- Don't think boomers are getting older?
Elton John just had a pacemaker implanted. He still has hair
covering his ears, but now it's sprouting from the inside.
- Some Welsh professor claims Robin
Hood was gay. Going to have to change the whole adage to "stole
from the rich and gave to the artistic."
Will Durst now knows why his band of
men were so merry.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHICH THIS WEEKEND SAW THE LONGEST
RUNNING BLUES FESTIVAL IN THE WORLD PLAY TO THE WORLD'S LARGEST
COLLECTION OF WHITE WINE SIPPING NPR LISTENING, VOLVO DRIVING
TOFU EATING BLUES FANS. GET DOWN.
It takes a bit of savvy and a couple
of semi legal maneuvers to survive on the road here in the Bay
Area, home to the country's third worst commute. So purely in
the public interest I have compiled a list of driving hints for
those of you in desperate need to get to work on time just to
make sure the people forced to do your share don't screw up. If
you follow this advice I guarantee you will get there at least
in time to punch out.
- Do everything you can to avoid getting
stuck behind Volkswagen vans sporting public television bumper
stickers. Fake an accident if you have to.
- Remember, yellow means step on it
and the first second of red is really pink.
- If you can't see a head but only two
gnarled hands on the steering wheel of the car in front of you,
move at least two lanes away immediately. If you can see a hat,
one lane is fine.
- Use your time wisely. Don't try to
write notes for the early staff meeting while you're headed towards
the freeway. Wait until actually on the freeway.
- It really doesn't matter which lane
you pick at a toll booth, yours will be the one where the booth
operator goes on break, or idiot boy in the Trans Am tries to
pay with Canadian pennies and food stamps. The other lanes will
always pass you in a blur. Keep reading matter handy.
Will Durst is here to help. No thanks
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE DAYS ARE GETTING SHORTER,
AND THE EQUINOX IS JUST A COUPLE DAYS AWAY. AND THEN WINTER STARTS
AND THEN SPRING AND SUMMER AND ALL OVER AGAIN UNTIL WE DIE. COOL.
I was speaking earlier of the secret
patented Will Durst clever tips "How To Speed Up Your Commute
Hell", which these days is pretty much anywhere in the world
during the hours of six am and eight pm Monday through Friday,
Los Angeles not included. So here goes with more. Please take
- Drive naked. Dress when you arrive.
Makes the whole thing seem to go faster.
- Lane markers and speed limits are
merely suggested guidelines. Any cop will understand if you explain
you're in a real hurry.
- Play music loud enough to drown out
all incoming noises, and make sure windows are rolled down so
you can share your excellent taste with roadmates.
- Hand gestures are an underutilized
way for drivers to communicate with each other. Practice them.
- If you see the driver next to you
talking on a cell phone, honk the horn and make a sudden swerve
at him just to insure he's alert. He will thank you for it later.
- Stopping for food can lose you valuable
time. Eat in the car. Those little Fry Babies now come with cigarette
- Remember a relaxed driver is a good
driver. Perhaps a good stiff drink before heading off might help.
- Create a diversion before attempting
to use carpool lane while alone. Preferably something involving
Will Durst figures the odds of getting
caught are around 75 to one.
hey, don't forget to see will durst
oh, yeah, i'm not anywhere this week
next week, no, unh...
well stay tuned
NOT IN OUR TOWN II ON YOUR LOCAL PBS STATION
CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS
Date: Tue, 14 Sep 1999 01:13:09 -0400
a you can't make stuff up like this
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE MAYOR RAISED $404,000 IN
SOFT MONEY FOR HIS RE- ELECTION CAMPAIGN. THAT'S NOT SOFT, THAT'S
DOWNRIGHT PLUSHY. DOES THE PAST TENSE OF FLEECE HAVE ANY MEANING
For the bargain basement price of $36
billion, CBS just got itself gobbled up by Viacom Inc., to join
an entertainment empire partially consisting of MTV, VH1, Comedy
Central and Nickelodeon. With a stable already including The Nashville
Network and Country Music Television, this move leads to a programmer's
cross fertilization wet dream with shows able to feed off fractured
fragments of other shows and characters hanging ten on a cross
promotion surf boards sixteen channels wide. This synergy is bound
to change the looks of the "the Tiffany Network" along
with the other channels a mite more than somewhat. Here's a few
- Matlock's Road Rules.
- One of those Diagnosis Murder stunt
episodes where all the suspects are Rugrats.
- Mike Wallace, Dan Rather and Morely
Safer Celebrate Spring Break in Havana.
- David Letterman: Live At Budhakon.
- Walker: South Park Ranger.
- Touched By A Sponge Bob.
- 48 Hours: The Real Real World.
- Nash Bridges replaces Cheech with
- Total Request Andy Rooney Live.
- JAG's House Of Style.
- Where Are They Now?: The King of Queens.
- The Animorphs With New Improved Howard
Stern On It.
- Everybody Loves Ben Stein's Money.
- Crook & Chase & Cosby.
- Martial Law Meets The Goo Goo Dolls.
- Yo! Bryant Gumbel Raps.
Will Durst thinks you could light up
the entire Eastern Seabord by attaching a generator to harness
the spinning of William Paley's grave.
NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE, WHERE TEN PERCENT OF THE VOTING AGE POPULATION
ELECTED A MAYOR YESTERDAY. OF COURSE THIS IS THE TOWN THAT RE-
ELECTED A SHERIFF WHO WAS IN JAIL AT THE TIME. I COULD LIVE HERE.
On the banks of the Mississippi, in
his home town of Crystal City, Missouri, William Warren Bradley
officially announced he is running for the Democratic nomination
for President without ever mentioning his opponent, Al Gore by
name; mirroring the strategy of the Vice President who has treated
Big Bad Bill like someone not tall enough to get on the ride.
The six foot five inch former Senator from New Jersey pledged
to fight racial strife, restore trust in government and spread
the nation's prosperity to the most downtrodden Americans. In
other words, for the first time in eight years, an actual Democrat
has a real chance of becoming President. Up till now, to say Bradley
has been running a low key campaign would be like saying the prospects
of Mark Furman's lecture career as opening act for Louis Farakhan
are slim. That all changed with this huge chromium steel media
event dripping with Mayberry bunting, as the former New York Knick,
"a small town boy," claimed to have learned about hard
work and discipline from his father and honesty, courage and integrity
from his mother. No word on who he holds responsible for his outside
jumper. And with this semifinal playoff game tightening up, Prince
Al may find out Bradley may have lost a step or two but he can
still move to his left. And with Gore's tendency to grow roots,
he should really be worried about the Jump Ball.
Will Durst thinks Dan Quayle is the
best dribbler of the lot.
NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE, WHERE IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO GET A MEAL WITH
GET A MEAL WITHOUT A SIDE ORDER OF GRITS. STILL CAN'T FIGURE OUT
WHAT THEY ARE. "CREAM OF GRAVEL" OR
A REALLY RUNNY POLENTA.
You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This:
- The saddest part of the newest Yugoslavian
crisis is seeing the tears roll down the eyes of the waves of
Albanian refugees landing in New Jersey as they realize, maybe
Kosovo wasn't all that bad.
- The one thing you have to give flailing
Republican Presidential candidate Dan Quayle is he doesn't know
the meaning of the word quit.
- Unfortunately neither does he know
the meaning of the words: hopeless, ineffectual or futile either.
- Did you ever get the feeling that
whenever Danny boy sees a supporter sporting a "Quayle 2000"
button, his face lights up as he shakes their hand muttering
incredulously, "Hey, that's my name too."
- Scientists are encouraged by their
chronological plotting of the evolution of prehistoric creatures
with wings. There are now two answers to the question: what do
you call a dinosaur with wings? A Pterodactyl or Continental
- In Las Vegas a mob lawyer was elected
mayor. The campaign must have been exhausting. Every day: kissing
babies, breaking knee caps. Facing the big pair of shoes he had
to fill, I guess his bag of cement was sufficient.
- Got to feel sorry for those Cubans
on the Yankee roster. They leave an oppressive tyrannical rule
to work for George Steinbrenner.
- Wonder how long we'll have to wait
for the Jenny Jones episode "Whining Relatives Of Murdered
Talk Show Guests."
Will Durst thinks September is groovy.
NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE, WHERE THEY LOVE NASCAR AND THEY LOVE JESUS.
IF JESUS DROVE NASCAR AND WAS SPONSORED BY HOOTERS, THESE PEOPLE
WOULD NEVER LEAVE THEIR HOMES.
You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This.
- Doctors in LA have voted to unionize,
leading to the specter of severely unintelligible picket signs.
- Looking on the brightside of military
secrets stolen by China scandal. They're now paying $600 for
hammers and $2000 for a toilet seat. Maybe we'll bankrupt them.
- How come thoroughbreds don't get shoe
- At least Hillary can claim to be one
of the few women in DC not involved in a sex scandal with her
husband. No truth to the rumor she's setting up a Westchester
County chapter of Parents Without Partners.
- Scientists released a study suggesting
cancer to be a leading cause of death in spiders. I would hazard
second only to the shoe.
- Dan Quayle is attacking lawyers for
advancing needless litigation and thinks offending counselors
should be sued.
- It's a shame the Russians are abandoning
the Mir Space Station right after updating to Windows 58.
- On his Pacific Rim tour, Clinton is
consoling East Timorese refugees. I guess he can relate to people
no longer welcome in their homeland.
- A recent American Airlines crew fell
asleep during a flight. What they need to do is outfit the cockpit
with coach seats. Just as insurance.
- Looking forward to the advent of Digital
TV, when we'll clearly be able to see there's nothing on.
Will Durst is positive he will be part
of the nothing on. Only clothed.
don't forget. all week.
tuesday through saturday
with deb and mike
415 397 4337
Date: Tue, 7 Sep 1999 00:19:39 -0400
back to school week's worth
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE FIRST MAYORAL DEBATE FEATURED
ACCUSATIONS OF LIES, ALLEGATIONS OF CORRUPTION AND CHARGES OF
DEPRAVITY. IN OTHER WORDS, THE ELECTION PROCESS IS RIGHT ON SCHEDULE.
Dateline: Virginia. August 31, 2004.
Tobacco companies boosted wholesale
prices by another 75 cents a pack on Monday, in part to pay off
the trillion dollar Asian health care settlement reached last
week, and in part to increase their profits to around $14 a pack.
At the state sanctioned Indian Smoke Stop Casino and Pleasure
Ranch in San Leandro, the price of a pack of Marlboros was set
to increase to $32.25 a pack today. "I should have stopped
when they started charging $15," lamented Mabel Fumeria as
she signed over the pink slip of her 95 Toyota Cressida and selected
3 cartons of Salem Extra Light Longs. While many health experts
expected higher prices to deter people from smoking, it turns
out manufacturers are experiencing increased profits. "We
all knew they were vile and greedy, but these actions have totally
surpassed our wildest expectations. We stand in awe," a nameless
scientist made up for this report reportedly didn't say. This
latest hike marks the sixteenth consecutive week cigarette prices
have increased stemming from settlements reached from 32 countries
and 3 continents over costs incurred by treating smoking related
diseases and cleaning smoking related drapes and furnishings.
Meanwhile, the state's 34 Smoketowns, (smoking legal compounds)
raised their admission charge to $16 an hour with a three hour
minimum on weekends up from ten bucks an hour. In related news,
the Mexican government announced Corona will now cost $44.79 a
six pack to dissuade the curiously strong border riots caused
by American consumers flocking to purchase the relatively cheap
liquor and contraband chocolate, recently outlawed here in the
states along with Altoids.
Will Durst wonders what the hell is
going to happen to bacon.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE CITY ATTORNEY GENERAL'S 27%
CONVICTION RATE ON VIOLENT CRIMES IS BEING ATTACKED AS LOW. NOT
A WORD ON HIS EXCELLENT RECORD ON HOLDING DOWN JAIL OVERCROWDING.
Well, not only do we have plummeting 747s and Russian nuclear
missiles randomly firing in 360 degree arcs to worry about on
December 31, 1999; it also appears we have a Y2K jr. to fret upon.
The next scheduled digital bogeyman is September 9, 1999, or 9999,
which turns out to be computerese for "stop program."
Jeez Pete, is there anything else they forgot to tell us, like
"Oh yeah, by the way, on the 13th of October, all street
lights will operate in reverse." Not even the smartest scientist
on the face of our rock knows if the two digit turn to 00 will
signal computers to revert to 1900 or even back to the year 900,
when we will all be classified as either plows, horses or rough
hewn tables upon which spoiled fruit is to be sold. Then there's
the Bride of Y2K, February 29th, 2000, which a lot of people didn't
even know was supposed to exist since the whole century leap year
thing is as confusing as Russian chess manuals translated into
Chinese. And don't forget to tread lightly around the Son of Y2K's
Third Cousin Once Removed, April 9, 2000, the 100th day of the
new millennium, when all carbon based life on earth will evaporate
in a blinding cloud of pink mist and the plants will rule the
world. Oh, didn't we tell you? Must have slipped our mind. Sorry.
Will Durst is developing arrythmia.
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE ASSEMBLYWOMAN NELL SOTO, D PAMONA,
AUTHORED A BILL TO MANDATE GAS STATIONS PROVIDE FREE AIR AND WATER
TO CUSTOMERS, AND HAVE CLEAN BATHROOMS WITH TOILET PAPER. NOTHING
IN THE BILL ABOUT TWO PLY.
You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This.
* Hillary Clinton asked Bill to withdraw
his offer to commute the sentences of 16 members of a Puerto
Rican terrorist organization. Apparently she discovered one of
her great aunts was Puerto Rican in an earlier life.
* A team of researchers at Princeton isolated a gene that makes
mice smarter. Great, just what we need; smarter mice. We can
only hope another team of researchers is working on that whole
"build a better mousetrap" thing.
* The manufacturer of Beanie Babies announced the entire collection
will be retired at the end of the year. Even though he shares
their cuddly nature, it is not expected this action will affect
* The Clintons purchased an 11 room Dutch Colonial home in Chappaqua,
New York, for $1.7, after their top fundraiser, Terry McAuliffe,
personally secured a loan to cover the mortgage. Wonder how 8%
plus a monthly vig is defined under "conflict of interest?"
* The Paris Hotel has materialized on the Las Vegas fantasy landscape
already cluttered with faux replicas of ancient Egypt, Caesarian
Rome, Venice, New Orleans, New York, Texas and Mandalay Bay with
a San Francisco themed Casino soon to come. Eventually every
geographical point past and present will be represented. Looking
forward to the Calcutta Casino with a rotating stream of losers
brandishing begging bowls rimming the entrance. Now known as
quarter poker video players.
Will Durst was dealt a royal flush once.
That was a long time ago.
30 second mystery
Picking up the tail was as hard as finding a Starbucks in Seattle.
Had to be a cop. Stuck out like an accordion player in the front
seat of a cab observing lane regulations. Couldn't follow a conversation
with a verbatim text. Probably not only knew where I was going,
but where I should be. Ducking into Big and Sassy, I emerged in
a lovely bronze and black velour caftan over a black crepe skirt
topped with an ebony turban: my brown suit wrapped in white tissue
bound with a gold embossed seal in a silver bag. Bumping into
him, I apologized, and we repaired to a bar. Six scotches later,
he confided the Lieutenant's hunch of departmental involvement.
We made plans to meet where he thought the brown suit would eventually
light. As he left, I made straight for the wrong rest room to
adjust. Always hated panty hose. And the thong was on backwards.
Which wasn't that bad.
Will Durst will be performing at Zanies
in Nashville this week if anybody is around. I need an escort
to translate that whole country thing.
Date: Tue, 31 Aug 1999 05:53:57 -0400
an eclectic week's worth
LAS VEGAS, NEVADA, WHERE THE WORLD IS DIVIDED INTO TWO TYPES.
LOSERS WHO DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER AND THROW THEIR MONEY AWAY AT
THE CASINOS AND THE PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE CASINOS AND SHOULD
KNOW BETTER BUT DON'T.
Here's an idea. Maybe George W really doesn't know. First he adamantly
refuses to talk about past drug use, because its "not an
issue." Then he issues a statement announcing in effect he
won't elaborate but confirms he's been clean for seven years,
Then he says its at least twenty five years since he put anything
up his nose stronger than a saline solution. Beyond that he declines
to comment. I'm thinking the reason the dauphin is so fuzzy about
the whole contretemps is a fear he was so cranked out of his mind
for such a long, he simply can't remember. We're talking blackout
city. Probably has a fuzzy black and white recollection of wandering
around various Texas tittie bars (don't blame me, that's what
they call them) with crack rocks dripping out of his nose into
the cleavages of an assortment of amply endowed exotic dancers
while being poured into limousines by a motley collection of hand
picked bodyguards, none of whom are currently available for comment
considering their bizarre simultaneous demise at the hands of
random violence committed by unknown assailants all on the same
day. Or maybe the guy made a few mistakes then straightened out.
And I'm thinking a majority of us would rather be governed by
a real human than a bunch of Dudley Do Rights who never admit
actually screwing up. Of course if crack whores and sedated sheep
are involved, that's a whole different thing.
Will Durst thinks if crack whores are indeed involved, he will
consider crossing party lines for the first time since John Anderson.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE SUMMER IS ENDING THE SAME
WAY IT BEGAN, ENSHROUDED IN FOG. COOL AS A CUCUMBER AND THE RESIDENTS
ARE COMPLAINING. THOSE RESIDENTS WHO DIDN'T VENTURE TO THE MIDWEST
IN THE LAST THREE MONTHS.
The following may not be facts, but are certifiably teachable
in the Kansas State School System.
* The world's entire monetary system
can be described in terms of corn.
* The answer to the question "what is two plus two,"
is totally dependent on what you want it to be.
* Electricity is a tool of the devil.
* Anything that comes out of your body can go right back in.
* Charles Darwin was an imaginary creature designed by Walt Disney's
* Drinking a lot of beer makes you attractive to the opposite
* Watching one quarter of football is equivalent to twenty five
* Ronald Reagan was the greatest President the United States
* Sunflowers control the weather.
* Wonder Bread builds strong bodies 12 ways.
* Tobacco lobbyists exhibit many of the same characteristics
of actual carbon based life forms. * We're not really sure if
the world is flat but you're in Kansas, so who the hell really
* The Christian god is the only true god. All the other gods
bite big beige banana slugs from Mars.
* McDonald's doesn't post nutrition charts for nothing.
* The stock market will continue going up indefinitely.
* Earthquakes and Hurricanes are God's righteous smiting of sinners.
But not tornadoes.
Will Durst is pretty sure Kansas was
originally populated by aliens.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE FRANK JORDAN AND CLINT REILLY,
THE TWO MAJOR MAYORAL CHALLENGERS HAVE MADE A PACT TO TEAM UP
ON WILLIE BROWN IN TOMORROW'S DEBATE. AS LONG AS THEY DON'T SHOWER
Libyan leader, Colonel Moammar Qaadafi, is looking for a public
relations agency to improve his image in Britain. Might want to
first tackle an easier task, like procuring a pork concession
in the lobby of the Jewish Defense League. Or attempt to outlaw
cheese sausage in Wisconsin. But since interesting employment
opportunities are my cup of tea, I'd thought I'd devise a couple
possible cutting edge advertising campaigns exclusively designed
to turn the Q man into a cuddly international pooh bear.
* Just when you thought it was safe
to go back to Tripoli it is.
* The Mother of All Mad Dictators is back and this time its personal.
* If Uncle Sam hates him so much, how bad can he be?
* Like Saddam, only better.
* When they say, "he's the bomb," they mean it.
* The wheel may be turning but the gerbil is dead.
* A couple decades shy of a retrospective.
* Spells his name with a "Q," it's not followed by
a "U," this boy plays by rules we don't even understand.
* When you absolutely positively need a raving despot overnight.
* It's gotta be the eyebrows.
* Not your father's insane psychotic paranoid lunatic overlord.
* As stable as a two legged stool.
* A day without Qaadafi is like a day without sunshine.
* Is he crazy or is he ain't crazy? You willing to make that
Will Durst welcomes all the demented
tyrants back into the fray.
Date: Tue, 24 Aug 1999 02:06:41 -0400
a very varied week's worth
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE FBI IS BEING BROUGHT IN TO
INVESTIGATE SUSPECTED CRIMINAL WRONGDOING IN CITY CONTACT AWARDS.
IMAGINE THAT. GRAFT IN POLITICS. WHAT NEXT? NEPOTISM IN THE AWARDING
OF IVY LEAGUE ADMISSIONS? THE MIND BOGGLES.
Going north to Alaska. That's right,
by the year 2,487,940, downtown San Francisco will be beachfront
property on the Bering Sea. That is if we keep having our yearly
minimum requirement of Earthquakes and you believe the blow dried
blondes on tv. Had a little weenie 5.0 yesterday, not really enough
to wake an arthritic dog and it was still billboarded as top news
story on all the local newscasts. Lot of man on the street interviews
where ordinary men and women on the street mostly said, "Whew,
earthquake. Scary." Then of course the required in depth
close up discussions with nerdlicious seismologists wearily repeating
"yes, yes, we live on a series of fault lines and things
like this will happen." How often? "Like I said last
time and the time before that and the time before that nobody
knows. You want to see my new pocket protector. It's made out
of a space age polymer." Interesting little sidebar was the
7.8 earthquake centered in western Turkey. Killed 2,000 or so.
No Americans or San Franciscans yet discovered among the injured
but that's not the big news. The big news was the shaker in the
Bay Area where glass rattled and someone's kitchen cabinets won't
Will Durst thought somebody was sitting
on his car.
NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA, A TOWN THAT IS TO GOOD TIMES WHAT WASHINGTON
IS TO SOUL DECAY. AND A LARGE PART OF IT HAS TO DO WITH THE ABOLITION
OF THAT STUPID LAST CALL BUSINESS. MAYBE DC SHOULD CONSIDER IT.
Dear President Clinton & Mrs. Future
Senator of the great state of New York Clinton:
Okay, Bill and Hill. But just this once,
you rascals. Allow me to reiterate what an honor it is for you
to have chosen me to be your exclusive realtor in Westchester
County. My family says it's such a tribute, I should renounce
my commission. Ha ha ha ha ha. A bi partisan squadron of research
consultants couldn't have selected a better community for you
to relocate in. These are quality people up here and I'm sure
after the briefest of acclimation periods, you folks will fit
in right as rain. As you are undoubtedly aware, this is probably
not the best time to be house hunting due to the extended upturn
of the economy. Especially considering the caliber of people found
in this, America's third wealthiest suburban area. It's a seller's
market folks. Through no little fault of your own I might add.
If you'll forgive me a little joke, it's a classic case of "hoist
on your own petard." Too bad you weren't looking during the
tail end of the Bush Administration. These places were going for
the proverbial song. It goes without saying your references are
impeccable (the Pope went over big), but I'm afraid the banks
are being rather intractable on the 20% down. They're being uncharacteristically
adamant, but I'm sure you understand as neither of you has what
could be called a real job lined up. Although I remain confident
the term "Senator Clinton" will be a phrase New Yorkers
will find themselves repeating over and over again with vest busting
pride. Just like we did with "Senator D'Amato." Like
my mother used to say, "Polls. Schmolls." And of course,
Bill, you do have your pension. So don't lose faith dear hearts.
We'll find that special "love nest" you two spoke so
passionately of. As for the separate identical wings, I have my
eye on this cute Tudor 32 room manse now occupied by one of those
start up upstarts whose stock has finally floated back down to
reality. One more quarter of red ink and I think he'll come crawling
to us. If you know of somebody who might know of something about
anything please give me a couple days notice to start the slow
squeeze. As long as it doesn't infringe on one of those "need
to know" dealies. Jeffrey loves the cuff links and be sure
to tell Chelsea our Jason can't stop talking about what a fox
she is. He told me to say: "Go Cardinal," whatever that
Looking forward to your next incursion
, I remain,
Senior Vice President New Accounts Westchester County
Will Durst wonders if he's going to
have to give points.
NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA, THE BEST CITY IN AMERICA TO GET AWAY FROM
REALITY. LIKE GOING ABROAD WITHOUT HAVING TO GO THROUGH CUSTOMS.
A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY WITH OSHA STANDARDS.
Darwin, we're not in Kansas anymore.
The Kansas State Board of Education took two webbed-foot steps
backwards by deleting every reference to evolution in their science
curriculum. Then they sprouted gills, jumped into a tar pit and
waited for their momentum to carry them back into single cell
bliss. You see, untoward development is frowned upon in Kansas.
And the teaching of science is not to be confused with fact. It's
only astrology with a better publicist. No, the real truth is
some wizened old floating head with a long white beard drew a
picture in the sand with his magic fingers and created man. And
that's what will be taught in Kansas. Yeah, okay fine. But don't
blame me if the kids in Kansas grow up believing other outdated
myths like one group of people are intrinsically better than other
groups. Oh, I get it, its a tribal thing. People, the Bible is
to science what "Wheel Of Fortune" is to a master's
degree in literature. Some other myths you might to teach unsuspecting
kids; the sun is pulled across the sky by a giant turtle. Thunder
means God is bowling. And educators aren't just political hacks
and really have their kids welfare at heart.
Will Durst thinks just because some
idiot disagrees with you doesn't mean there's a debate. Grass
is still green no matter how much muleboy insists it's fish.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE MAYOR'S ACTIONS ARE BEING
INVESTIGATED BY THE FBI. MAYBE THEY'RE TRYING TO FIND OUT WHERE
HE'S GETTING THOSE BRIONI SUITS ON A MAYOR'S SALARY.
It is the height of hypocrisy for us
to wait even a day before responding to the Kansas State Board
of Education deleting evolution from their science curriculum.
The only way to truly send our message of support is to encourage
them to widen their policy of protecting impressionable young
schoolchildren from actual learning by suggesting other objectionable
course subjects to be struck. And I'm just the guy to do it.
· History. Just change the whole
course of study to reflect the way we'd want it to be. Oh, that's
right, we've already done that.
· Geography. Rescind all that
foreign emphasis. Concentrate on what's really important. Kansas.
· Mathematics. Why not abolish
that whole silly fraction thing. We'll round everything up to
the next highest number. Like the federal government.
· English. Gerunds, schmerunds.
Very overrated and always getting in the freaking way.
· Study Hall. From now on, it's
simply "Hall". Too much pressure.
· Civics and Government. Kansas
should lose the "Civics" part and change the whole
thing to "White People's Religion and Government" in
to be consistent.
· Home Room. Take your pick.
One or the other but not both.
· Physical Education. Exercise
is the work of the devil. Steroids accomplish the same thing.
Will Durst would suggest Kansas restrict
home ec to only girls, but they probably already do.
30 second mystery
His oily accent conned her into betraying her blind sister. If
you define a simple introduction as a betrayal. Which she obviously
did. Flaunting his affairs, she bided her time. The dropped clue
about dad's bearer bonds in the bottom filing cabinet drawer at
their shared decorating office was not accidental. Fearing the
worst, sister hired me to stop her. I broke into the office early
but late, and she tied me to a chair with a series of sailors
knots supervised by a large caliber cannon. Behind the door, a
sweep of his flashlight would have revealed all, but he dove straight
at the filing cabinet. Jimmying it with a Phillips screwdriver
he didn't scream so much as howl with an expected resignation
when the spring loaded pan of sulfuric acid flew up scorching
his eyes. Her high heel staccato exit paused as his whimpering
subsided. "I'll send you a cane."
Don't forget to watch "Livelyhood"
this Friday and the next three weeks.
Check local listings.
Date: Tue, 17 Aug 1999 04:17:23 -0400
a straw colored week's worth
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE THIRD TAXI DRIVER IN AS MANY
YEARS HAS BEEN SHOT BY A PASSENGER. SO THE SCORE REMAINS PASSENGERS
THREE, TAXI DRIVERS ONE.
George W. Bush Jr, and the W apparently
stands for Wussmonster, has refused to weigh in on the question
11 of the other 12 candidates for President have answered quicker
than you can say "Christian Coalition $1000 a plate fundraiser."
The showdown has to do with what he did or did not put up his
nose way back when the W stood for Wickedwildboy. No truth to
rumor he's anxious to attend the Iowa Straw Poll wielding his
own straw. The reason he cites for declining to deny ever using
the Bolivian Marching Powder is twofold: A. He refuses to get
into the politics of personal destruction, and B. It would mean
he had less chance of winning the Republican Nomination than Robert
Downey Jr. He also said by answering he would send a bad message
to impressionable youts. Which means what? He was doing it wrong?
Swabbing it onto his underarms with Q-Tips from a galvanized tub
perhaps? Dunking his eyebrows in a foot high pile of it? Or using
it on his cinnamon raisin toast as a sugar substitute? A lot of
people think George W. Bush has a very good chance to become our
next president. Of course a lot of people think George W. Bush
has already been President and is his father running again. Like
a sequel. Versus Prince Albert: the spinoff. When what we really
need is these two sorry retreads go on hiatus and for a groundbreaking
sensation to premiere as a mid-season replacement.
Will Durst thinks Bosley from Charlies
Angels would be a good role model.
RENO, NEVADA, WHERE THE FEDS HAVE FINALLY DIVESTED THEMSELVES
OF THE MUSTANG RANCH BROTHEL. I DON'T KNOW WHY, IT SEEMS LIKE
THE PERFECT RETIREMENT DESTINATION FOR SOME OF OUR REPRESENTATIVES.
THEY HAVE THE PRACTICE.
You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This. Iowa
Straw Poll Edition.
* The Iowa Straw poll is undoubtably
the most American of pre election samplings. The best election
money can buy.
* Warren Beatty is threatening to get
into the Presidential race. He says he believes campaign finance
reform is the number one issue worrying the public. With this
delicate finger on the pulse of the American public, he might
be better suited for coroner.
* Lamar Alexander has gambled his entire
campaign on the results of the Iowa Straw poll. The guy might
want to form the charter chapter of Campaignaholics Anonymous.
Could make his comeback as Lamar A.
* It is said Dan Quayle has lowered
his expectations for the straw poll. Not quite enough I fear.
* Pat Buchanan is thought to be considering
bolting the Republican Party for the Reform Party. The same party
Warren Beatty is thought to be courting. Sounds like the Soup
to Nuts Party. The Nuts part, that would be Perot.
* Conservative commentator Gary Bauer on his recent campaign
swing; "I've traveled a lot in California and I don't think
California is any different from the rest of the country."
Which makes me wonder if Mr. Bauer's obvious geographical deficiency
shouldn't prevent him from driving.
Will Durst commiserates as he shouldn't
be driving either.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE 22 COMEDIANS PERFORMED FOR FREE
IN FRONT OF 20,000 PEOPLE IN GOLDEN GATE PARK AT THE 19TH ANNUAL
COMEDY CELEBRATION DAY. 22 COMEDIANS AND ONLY 1 WAS A POLITICIAN.
SO 21 TOLD JOKES ON PURPOSE.
The Iowa straw poll: the first playoff
game in the quest for the Super Bowl known as Campaign 2000 is
over, and there are about as many winners as there were losers.
Most folks managed a foot in each camp.
WINNER: George W. Bush. Won.
LOSER: George W. Bush. "Mr. Everybody
Should Just Go Home Because I Got This Thing Wrapped Up"
didn't win quite as big as he should have.
WINNER: The Iowa Republican Party.
Made themselves $25 per vote.
LOSER: The Iowa Republican Party. Responsible
for sacking their own backfield 15 months before the final gun.
WINNER: Malcolm "Steve" Forbes.
LOSER: Malcolm "Steve" Forbes.
You'd think with that kind of money he could hire a coach to
teach him to blink when he talks.
WINNER: Elizabeth Dole. Came in third.
LOSER: Bob Dole. Going to suffer through
at least a couple more rounds of Viagra jokes.
WINNER: Gary Bauer. Religious right
standard bearer a surprising fourth.
LOSER: Everybody else.
LOSER: Lamar Alexander. Came in sixth.
WINNER: Mrs. Lamar Alexander. Her husband
finally coming home after running for President for six continuous
years. The Energizer bunny finally winds down.
LOSER: Dan Quayle. Finished eighth
behind Alan Keyes.
WINNER: Dan Quayle. Has plenty of time
to brush up on that home vacuum repair correspondence course
he's been meaning to take.
LOSER: Orrin Hatch. Came in ninth.
WINNER: Orrin Hatch. Never expected
to do so well.
LOSER: Pat Buchanan. Finished behind
Gary Bauer in courtship of far right.
WINNER: The Reform Party.
Will Durst thinks the Reform Party could
be called a loser as well.
Check out Will Durst at the New Orleans
Comedy Festival this week. New Orleans in August. I know. I know.
Date: Tue, 10 Aug 1999 04:10:15 -0400
a week's worth with drought all over
WASHINGTON, D.C., ONE OF THE MOST REPRESENTATIVE TOWNS IN AMERICA
WHERE HARD WORK, A LITTLE ELBOW GREASE AND GOOD OL AMERICAN KNOW
HOW IS ALL YOU NEED TO GET BY AS LONG AS YOU GOT CONNECTIONS.
So let me get this straight. Hillary
Clinton stood by her man because he was abused as a kid. Really?
This turgid confession in the middle of her listening tour of
New York in a race for the open Senate seat. How convenient. Was
he physically abused? No. Was he sexually abused? No. He was conflicted.
Hunh? See, he found himself caught in the middle of massive friction
between his mother and his grandmother. Forgive me for being so
insensitive, but in my house we didn't call that abuse. We called
that dinner. By the same token you could say torment was a family
reunion. Our annual summer vacation road trip to Iowa in the station
wagon was a violation. My mother's oyster raisin curry dressing
was a regular assault. To this day I'm still plagued with feelings
of inadequacy based on my father's prowess at Chinese Checkers.
I can't tell you how ravaged I was by years besieged with nightmares
stemming from the incessant clacking of my Aunt Hoogoolah's dentures.
I was pestered by my brother, vexed by acne, and battered in football
practice. So there is my confession. As a child I was abused as
well. Weren't we all.
Will Durst doesn't mean to make a mockery
of people who actually were abused, he's just trying to add to
WASHINGTON, D.C., WHERE THE CITY PLANS TO RELEASE HUNDREDS OF
HARDENED CRIMINALS BACK TO THEIR HOME COMMUNITIES. YES, THAT'S
RIGHT, CONGRESS IS ABOUT TO GO OUT ON RECESS AGAIN.
And now another delectable taste treat
from that classic Washington Cookbook, "Recipes for a Beltway
Shutdown." This bipartisan favorite is a hearty casserole
sure to drive constituents mad with a pent up mouth watering thirst
and those mischievous lobbyists back to the table time and again
for more. So go to it, but remember, this savory dish is like
revenge, best served chilled and not under the oven bright lights
of August media exposure.
FISCALLY MYOPIC BUDGET CROCKPOT
1 bunch of tax cut
proposals cut to look good
(don't worry about quality)
435 egos/ all sizes
8-10 large sprigs of Presidential Ambition
3 cups voter ambivalence
1 pinch of reform, crumbled
6 tablespoons of sticky motives
8 ounces of intractable pride
1 (55 gallon) drum of greed
1 12 ounce beer
Toss the first four ingredients together in a moist overheated
Rotunda, careful to shield the sprigs from exposure while separating
the egos. Discard the reform and marinate until recess is imminent.
Mix in the motives (use extra sticky if you can). Sprinkle the
pride on top, and bury the whole thing in the greed. Have towed
to sea by the FDA saving the beer to drink while you try to forget
you're going to have to make the whole damn thing about 30 more
times before its edible.
Will Durst is thinking of fasting for
WASHINGTON, D.C., THE ONLY PLACE ON EARTH WHERE THE MOVEMENT IN
WHICH THE RICH GET TIRED OF SHARING EVEN A MEASLY SLICE OF THE
PIE AND TRY TO CONSUME THE WHOLE DAMN THING IS CALLED A REVOLUTION.
Weeeell, seems as if I struck a bit
of a chord there. Doing jokes on JFK Jr. How dare I? I agree.
It was totally out of line. And I'm terribly terribly terribly
sorry. Filled with remorse. Consumed with rue. Contrite as all
get out. So as an equal opportunity offender its only fair I expand
the concept a bit. The guy you got to feel sorry for is Ronald
Reagan Jr. Want to bet the national period of mourning for him
is somewhat less than three weeks by about 21 days? And he ain't
getting no round the clock Coast Guard air sea search either.
Maybe a one eyed fisherman on a banged up dinghy. More likely
a couple of guys on a hill with their hands shielding their eyes.
"See him?" "Nope." "Me neither."
"Want a beer?" "I'll buy." Amy Carter. Yeah,
sure. But only if Jimmy and Rosalyn build the reconnaissance crafts
themselves. One of the Ford kids? You got to be kidding. "Did
you hear, Jack Ford's missing." "Interesting, can I
get lids on these?" Eleanor Mondale. You bet. As a matter
of fact, I wouldn't be surprised to see Bill Clinton head up the
search and rescue team himself.
Will Durst means absolutely nothing
by that last crack.
WASHINGTON, D.C., WHERE 1500 COPS AND THREE THOUSAND PROTESTORS
SHUT DOWN EIGHT BLOCKS OF PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE IN ANTICIPATION
OF A NAZI RALLY, WHICH CONSISTED OF 4 COLLEGE KIDS WHO LOOKED
AROUND AND WENT HOME.
It was twenty five years ago the President
of the United States abdicated and a quarter of a century later
we miss him more than a sinner misses confession. Because without
the evil heart of Nixon, my generation's whining is a hollow thing
without a center. We're just one big sugar free jelly donut. Spewing
our feeble grey ponytailed anti authoritarianism like out of control
sprinkler heads soaking everything in sight including the younger
generation which is why they're pissed and confused. We've become
these satellite moons of empty dissatisfaction in random orbit
around what used to be our planet of hostility. "That's what
I'm telling you kid, its not there anymore." And here's what
pisses me off. We were right. He was a crook. So did anybody ever
apologize? Dream on big river. Now we're lost without him. Its
not black and white anymore. Nixon was the ultimate villain. A
man who appeared to sweat when he lied and he sweated all the
time. He was like the Nazis. You knew where you stood instead
of it all being shades of grey. Today you can actually have a
conversation with somebody from another party and engage in a
reasonable discussion. But during the Nixon years it was war.
The good guys versus the bad guys. And everybody knew who they
were. i want my Nixon back. I want to know who I am again.
Will Durst knows who he is, he wants
to remember who that is.
Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1999 23:38:51 -0400
a week's worth with a little smirk
HUMBOLDT, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE WORLD IS SPLIT INTO THREE DIFFERENT
TYPES OF PEOPLE. THOSE WITH POT, THOSE LOOKING FOR POT, AND THOSE
LOOKING FOR THOSE WITH POT.
Can someone please tell me what is the
damn deal with the freaking greedy scum sucking oil companies?
The only explanation I can scrape up from the dung covered basement
floor of the Rationalization Museum is they are A: either handing
over hourly envelopes of marked one hundred dollar bills to our
duly elected representatives or B: in possession of negatives
showing them in post coital bliss sucking on goat hooves. Environmentalists
have been screaming about this MTBE crap poisoning our watersheds
since before it was introduced. And were promptly told by all
concerned to shut up. MTBE was developed to cut down on air pollution.
Which it did. Now, the Feds say the trade off between cleaner
air and poisoned water is bad and should be phased out. The oil
companies say fine, but its going to cost us. Just like they said,
sure we'll formulate it but its going to cost us. Just like they
said gas prices in Northern California have nothing to do with
refineries located here and it was going to cost us. Just like
they said when those very same refineries were shut down because
of a rash of accidents, it was going to cost us. Now the cost
of gas in San Francisco is practically two bucks a gallon and
about the only thing we can really believe from the smirking mouthpieces
of these corporate leeches is its going to cost us.
Will Durst believes it's going to get
worse before it gets better. He's not even sure about the better.
BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA, WHERE ONE OF PACIFICA RADIO'S BOARD MEMBERS
ANNOUNCED THE BOARD TALKED ABOUT THE POSSIBLE SALE OF KPFA IN
THE FACE OF WEEKS OF DENIALS. THE GOODEST OF GOOD GUYS HAS BECOME
THE ENEMY. TIME TO CRY AND GET MAD.
A new report reveals 87% of doctors
are frustrated with the quality of care their patients are receiving
from their HMOs. They're frustrated. Think of us. The response
has been typical corporate buzzard tongue double speak. The HMO
Anti Defamation League immediately trotted out their pretty blow
dried press relations lady. You know the one. The extremely presentable
lady who speaks patiently and condescendingly like she's addressing
eight year olds on a water slide about the dangers of nuclear
terrorism and horseplay. As a matter of fact, the more loathsome
the industry, the more presentable the woman. So this one was
more than presentable. This one was of Republican Ambassadorial
caliber. Think Liddy Dole without all the wacky spontaneity. And
she charmingly captivated us by mouthing all the correct perky
things like "We take our responsibility as America's point
man on the front lines of patient care seriously. Furthermore
we welcome this report as a challenge to our charge as a national
trust with an even sharper eye towards obligation, duty and accountability."
Or some such crap. They actually acted like they were beaming
about the report, which is a lot like a bunch of fat lazy cobras
welcoming the arrival of a division of mongoose SWAT teams. You
just want to pimp slap these people until something lifelike comes
out of their face. Preferably a small intestine. Maybe not you,
but me. Nine out of ten doctors agree.
Will Durst does want to pimp slap these
ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI, WHERE THE HEAT INDEX REACHED AROUND 120 TODAY.
HEAT INDEX. WHY DO WE GO OUT OF OUR WAY TO MAKE OURSELVES MORE
MISERABLE? I GUESS THAT'S WHAT MAKES US AMERICANS. WE ARE ADDICTED
Tax cut. Tax cut. Who's got the tax
cut? Not you or me. Yet. And the parade of people convinced its
a good idea are starting to slip and fall on elephant feces. Even
Alan Greenspan, who might be more revered by Republicans than
Ronald Reagan threw an Antarctica Sea of cold water on the tax
cut proposal by obliquely musing this might not be the best time.
Why? Because this whole ideological cat fight is based on the
heralded SURPLUS, which could be more illusory than "the
wait-till-next-year" dreams of the Indianapolis Colts. Are
we all coughing up sand or does the term "mirage" have
any meaning here? I guess we're expected to operate on the assumption
the largest peacetime expansion in history is going to continue
unabated for another couple of decades. Sure. Why won't it? And
in the meantime, let's all grow leather wings and fly to that
moon of Jupiter with the atmosphere entirely composed of mushroom
gravy. Aren't these the same numbers only rearranged that essentially
had us fight a so called Revolution over a deficit just a couple
of years ago? Aren't we choreographing smoke here? Besides, Congress
is already using special "emergency" exemptions from
spending bills. One of which is $4.5 billion for the 2000 census.
Even though a diennial census is mandated by the Constitution.
If that's an emergency, I would shudder to find out what we'd
call a nineteen hundred point downturn in the Dow. Y2K? Why not
2K? Didn't our parents always tell us to save some money for a
rainy day? Hey, is it starting to sprinkle?
Will Durst thinks one of these days
its going to pour.
WASHINGTON, D.C., WHERE THREE DIFFERENT KINDS OF PEOPLE LIVE.
THOSE WHO LIVE OFF THE GOVERNMENT, THOSE WHO LIVE OFF THOSE WHO
LIVE OFF THE GOVERNMENT, AND THOSE WHO LIVE OFF THOSE WHO LIVE
OFF THOSE WHO LIVE OFF THE GOVERNMENT, IE: LOBBYISTS.
It was a horrible horrible thing that
happened to John Fitzgerald Kennedy Jr., but Jeez Pete, it's been
two weeks already, which is way beyond the stringent self imposed
three day moratorium we comedy humor type guys are required to
honor to satisfy our innate sense of moral obligation. Two weeks.
Get him off my newstand already. And how must this look to the
rest of the world? We spend millions of dollars worth of money
scouring the ocean for his body. Then after this intense search
complete with government mandated no fly zones we finally find
him. So what do they do. Throw him back! It was like a weird celebrity
catch and release program. Essentially we're saying, "as
a private citizen we found him egregiously under the legal limit."
You know in your bones other big time celebrities are going to
get all cranked out of shape if they don't obtain the same overwhelming
mass grief when they vanish in the dead of night. Other Kennedys
too. What about Schwarzenegger? He's both. Unfortunately the ratings
spiked. Which could mean a nasty case of Search and Rescue Creep.
Don't be surprised if we see a couple of Networks stage the disappearance
of their sagging anorexic stars in an attempt to duplicate similar
coverage. All of which will be statistically diagramed in a pie
chart on the front page of the purple section of USA Today. Of
course when they hide they always run the risk we may not seek.
Will Durst has a couple of nominations
for this new age diversion. And three of their names start with
Date: Tue, 27 Jul 1999 05:23:24 -0400
a short but sweet week's worth
PASADENA, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE TELEVISION CRITICS ASSOCIATION
IS HOLDING ITS SUMMER PRESS TOUR. THREE WEEKS AT THE RITZ CARLTON
WATCHING TV AND GOING TO PARTIES. I THINK I COULD DO THIS JOB.
In olden timey days, back around the turn of the century, a party's
nominee for President was picked by a bunch of rich white guys
wielding cigars and serious stipulations. Hence the term: smoke
filled rooms. Then the public rebelled and demanded a system where
they would have a voice in who became their chief executive. Which
led to the state by state primary system. Through some bizarre
quirk of fate known only to Eisenhower's astrologist's dog, New
Hampshire became the traditional starting line. And candidates
who did well there were able to gain some momentum which led to
money rolling in so they could run a nationwide candidacy, usually
ending in a showdown in California in June. Then a bunch of states
weren't satisfied just being part of the process, they wanted
to be a big part of the process and got together and created a
Super Tuesday so candidates couldn't ignore their regional clout.
Then every state started whining they wanted the same kind of
political juice and start leapfrogging each other placing their
primary closer to the front until it got to where in the year
2000 a third of the states including the biggest five will have
cast their votes by the Ides of March. This means even if a candidate
does well in New Hampshire, he can't expect money to roll in because
there won't physically be time to do anything with it. So all
the money needs to be gathered upfront. And is solicited by the
candidates from rich white guys still wielding stipulations but
no longer cigars. So we've gone back to the same exact way of
electing a President. The only thing we've managed to do in 100
years is eliminate the smoke.
Thanks to the smokeless filled rooms
Will Durst thinks the new candidates probably smell better.
POINT ARENA, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE TWISTY WINDY PART OF HIGHWAY
ONE LEAVES YOU THREE AND A HALF HOURS AWAY FROM SAN FRANCISCO,
AND ABOUT FORTY YEARS FROM CIVILIZATION. ITS A LOT LIKE HEAVEN
Would you like a five to eight hundred billion dollar tax cut?
Of course you would. Its like asking a kid if he wants hot fudge
on his ice cream. Well you're not going to get it, because Bill
Clinton says it "doesn't leave room for what's necessary."
Whatever the hell that means. And this
makes Republicans very happy. Because they know the American people
are as short sighted as a herd of myopic cows crossing a pirhana
filled stream and they plan on jumping on that during the next
election like critics on a new Kubrick film. See the American
people love tax cuts. That was the Republican reasoning for trying
to gut Medicare to the tune of $268 billion and offset it with
tax cuts. "The American people want tax cuts."
Well, let's catalogue more things the
American people want.
* The American people want drive through
nickel beer night.
* The American people want to lose
weight by eating sour cream and onion potato chips.
* The American people want to clip
Get Out Of Jail Free coupons from the Sunday Comics section.
* The American people would chew off
their own foot if Jerry Springer told them there was liquid gold
in their ankle veins.
* 20% of the American people didn't
understand the question so much they thought Ross Perot was the
* The American people think Bruce Willis
can actually dodge bullets.
* The American people love the Home
Shopping Network because its commercial free.
* 68% of the American people still
believe Professional Wrestling is legitimate.
Will Durst is among the 14% that don't
think its fake.
going to washington dc. washington dc
here i come. they got some crazy little representatives there
and i'm going to get me some. tuesday august third through sunday
august eighth. dc improv
Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1999 02:23:30 -0400
a week's worth saluting
SANTA ROSA, CALIFORNIA, WHERE A COUPLE THOUGHT IT HAD FIVE OF
SIX LOTTO NUMBERS BUT THE PAPER MISPRINTED A NUMBER AND IT TURNS
OUT THEY WON THE WHOLE ENCHILADA, FOREVER TO BE KNOWN AS THE HAPPIEST
The NAACP is threatening to sue the television networks and pressure
advertisers because not one of their twenty six new shows premiering
this fall features a Black, Hispanic or Asian star in a featured
role. We're talking whiter than the Perry Como Northern Vermont
CEO Polo Invitational. I don't know what the big problem is. There's
as much diversity on the tube as there is in the programmers real
world: like your average Pacific Palisades Parent Teacher Conference.
And the NAACP has obviously been misinformed. Asians are constantly
popping up as rickshaw drivers and launderers in "Martial
Law." You always see blacks on "ER" as gunshot
victims and questioned by the cops in "Law & Order"
in gritty realistic dialogue about grisly crimes committed by
Jamaican and Colombian drug lords. And aren't there plenty of
wacky Puerto Ricans garbling English as various restaurant workers
in "Friends?" Or is that one of those WB shows? You
can't blame the networks. Economics demand they appeal to the
largest demographic possible and white audiences just don't want
to watch black artists. That whole Bill Cosby thing a couple of
years ago was just a fluke. As is Chris Rock. And more than half
the music industry. Just a long stretch of serendipitous flukes.
And in Hollywood, they don't throw away good money for a hunch
on a fluke. They need sure things. Like "Encore, Encore",
and "Buddy Faro", and "The Sue Costello Show."
Will Durst misses Urkel. No he doesn't.
BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA WHERE FANS OF PACIFICA RADIO STATION KPFA,
PROTESTED THE REMOVAL OF A HOST WHO SPOKE ON AIR OF RECENT MANAGEMENT
DISPUTES. THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMERICA'S FOREMOST FREE SPEECH STATION:
DO AS WE SAY, NOT SAY WHAT WE DO.
The Patients' Bill Of Rights. Sounds like a winner, doesn't it?
You might ask yourself who could possibly be against the Patients'
Bill Of Rights? Angry masochistic ogres with chronic abscessed
gums? Subanthropoidal mutants? The National Guild Of Morticians
Attendants? Insurance Companies? And you'd be right on all counts
because the Republican controlled Senate is against it. In a straight
party line vote, the Democratic Patients' Bill of Rights was voted
down and the Republican Patients' Bill of Rights voted up. Except
the Republican Patients' Bill of Rights should rightfully be called
the "Patients' Right To Shut Up And Die Bill" as it
neglects to include key provisions such as allowing patients the
right to sue their HMO. To help their cause, the insurance companies
even paid for a bunch of commercials that promised if the Democratic
version of the bill passed, most normal Americans would lose their
jobs, be thrown out on the street and eaten by mangy flatulent
wolves. Of course its all just a dance. The next step is Clinton's
veto waltz, and then the country gets a whole election ballet
over this same damn thing all next year. Meanwhile, sick people
get their feet stepped on. By big clumsy Republican Senators.
A third of whom will be up for election by those same people.
Will Durst hopes the sore toes end up on the other foot.
SANTA CRUZ, CALIFORNIA, WHICH HAS ANNOUNCED IT WILL BE PUTTING
A PROPOSAL ON THE SPRING BALLOT DECLARING THE TOWN TO BE A "HATE
FREE" ZONE. ONE OF THESE DAYS, ONE WOULD HOPE STUFF LIKE
THAT WILL BE IMPLICIT.
The kid is gone. Wasn't just Jack's and Jackie's kid. He was all
of ours kid. I'm six years older than him and I still thought,
think of him as the kid. Even had him as a boss at George Magazine.
Almost got to meet the kid at the George party held at the Art
Institute during the 1996 Democratic Convention in Chicago until
his Secret Service guards spied me in the handshake line, and
managed to envelope me in a stiff flesh cage talking towards their
cuff links until he was safely past the seared tuna butterflied
on radicchio leaves and out of my grubby little reach. Always,
always behind him traveled a gaggle of well coiffed overdressed
folks just kind of trolling behind sucking up the celebrity plankton
he left in his wake. And that thing about women going nuts over
him was true. Every kind of woman. Grandmas. Nieces. Women with
clear nail polish. Women with six inch nails done up in small
dioramas of deer drinking from frosty mountain streams. He was
prettier than the first glimpse of justice in a dictatorship.
Hell, I would have done him. So kid, may I say to you for all
of us; we who hardly knew you, salute you.
Will Durst means no disrespect to the Bessette sisters. He just
didn't grow up with them.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE EVERYBODY IS TALKING ABOUT HOW
EVERYBODY ELSE SHOULD GET INTO THE MAYOR'S RACE, BUT NOBODY WANTS
TO DO IT THEMSELVES. SOUNDS LIKE ONE OF THOSE "DAMNED IF
I DO AND DAMNED IF YOU DON'T" DEALS.
It's getting warmer. Good news for you Montanans looking forward
to planting backyard coconut palms. Bad news for you homo sapiens
in favor of an ozone. I'm talking real warmer here. Think a big
hand holding a magnifying glass somewhere between Venus and the
Sun just starting to find the focus point. For a while there we
were caught in a fortuitous loop. Escalating levels of carbon
dioxide worked to warm up the atmosphere while escalating levels
of sulphur dioxide helped cool it down. Up. Down. We were stuck
in kind of a lucky crap fork there for the briefest of whiles,
but now the pansy assed liberals have screwed up the pollution
teeter totter. See the bleeding hearts managed to convince gullible
susceptible third world nations around the world to establish
tighter controls on sulfur dioxide emissions, which they trustingly
did, so now there's nothing to chill out the global warming. It's
our own damn fault. It only we had just left things the way they
were, we'd be perfectly fine right now. Like my daddy used to
say, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Or if it is broke but still
sputtering along like a 74 Vega running on three cylinders and
a blown seal, leave it the hell alone. And perhaps hell is the
operative word here. Or will be soon.
Will Durst thinks there are worse things than a blown seal. A
distraught sea otter for example.
Date: Tue, 13 Jul 1999 03:56:57 -0400
a mysterious week's worth with predictable
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE
THE FOG SUBSIDED AND THE FOURTH OF JULY FIREWORKS WERE ACTUALLY
VISIBLE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS, AND THE GENERAL CONSENSUS
WAS "OOOH, AAAH, JUST LIKE LAST YEAR ONLY DIFFERENT."
Defying the age old tradition of offering up to the public only
recycled slop like other lazy patronizing networks we disdainfully
refuse to name, PBS is proud to announce it's daring new innovative
entry into this year's fall schedule. In an unprecedented coup,
Public Broadcasting has picked up the rights to "Unsolved
Mysteries" and will air an entire season branching off into
more metaphysical and philosophical directions with episodes devoted
to plumbing the depths of inscrutability, answering the unanswerable
and other queries into the enigmatic.
*How do the
are all the baby pigeons?
LS400 or Infinity Q45?
City of Enchantment or a bunch of open sewers with mediocre outdoor
does white trash invariably develop red necks?
is the deal with those darn Balkans?
Nose: simply a political occupational hazard, or does it extend
to broadcast news and sports management as well?
is the other side of the pillow always cooler? as explained by
does Ken Burns remain humble?
cuisine: an oxymoron?
The show will be produced by the Electric
Company in association with Frontline. Noam Chomsky will replace
Robert Stack as narrator and the whole thing is brought to you
by the punctuation mark "?".
Will Durst is wondering if an episode will
explain Celine Dion's appeal.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE X GAMERS HAD SUCH A GOOD
TIME THIS YEAR THEY ALREADY PLAN TO RETURN NEXT YEAR. A TOWN
WHERE THE TRIPLE X GAMES HAVE THRIVED FOR YEARS. PERSONALLY I
THINK ITS EVIDENCE WE'RE REGRESSING.
You can't make stuff up like this.
has secretly built up a 500 ton "blubber mountain"
from the carcasses of thousands of whales illegally slaughtered
and are trying to change international law so they can sell it
to Japan, where its considered a delicacy. Wonder if they'd be
interested in the small cache we've managed to round up in Congress.
people die at the beginning of the month than at the end, which
suggests to researchers extra cash from welfare checks may be
the reason. Of course they have totally ignored the fact that's
when cellular phone bills normally come in.
Governor Mike Foster signed the nation's first state law requiring
students to address teachers as "ma'am" or "sir",
as in "Could you cover me sir, I'm going to try and make
it to study hall to call 911 for that bleeding ma'am over there."
predicted July 4th would be the start of a 27 year war. And he
may be right, because my Aunt Hoogolah got into a fight with
her sister Mortadella and she's known to carry a grudge.
BBC reports scientists at the Ragamangala Institute of Technology
in Bangkok are developing body armor make of silk. So at long
last, we have protection that can be worn to the opera.
Will Durst says ain't technology grand?
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE 9500 TONS OF OUR TOXIC DIRT HAVE
BEEN SITTING IN A LIVERMORE LANDFILL SINCE MARCH 1ST. AND THE
JOKE IS THEY WANT TO HANG ON TO IT. THAT'S WHY THEY'RE THE EAST
There are few things in the world more of a dead solid sure bet
than testosterone crazed nutballs at gun shows but one of them
is the predictable phrases desperate candidates in the throes
of Maison Blanc Lust will utter with a straight face in the heat
of a campaign. The reasons are as simple as their opinion of the
voters. People expect to hear them say those things and the guy
who says them most like he believes them wins.
* My opponent
would rather raise taxes than pet his dog. As a matter of fact
he doesn't even own a dog.
* I come
from a family, I have a family, I think families are simply grand.
is bad and there's too much of it. What we need is less crime.
finance reform is crucial, but not as crucial as jobs.
are more like we are now than we have ever been before and its
because of us.
are more like we are now than we have ever been before but its
not our fault.
are very important but prisons are more very important.
transportation is a wonderful thing and other people should be
encouraged to use it.
government needs today is more people like you, and I am one
must sweep away the debris of yesterday and build on the solid
foundation of tomorrow.
Will Durst believes in all the above.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE MORRIS ENGLEBERG, JOE DIMAGGIO'S
LAWYER, WHO HOLDS THE RIGHT TO USE JOLTIN JOE'S NAME SAYS THE
YANKEE CLIPPER WOULD HAVE WANTED HIS NAME ON SOMETHING BIG LIKE
THE BAY BRIDGE, THE AIRPORT, OR MORRIS ENGLEBERG'S EGO.
The worst thing about the US victory in the Women's World Cup
is young girls are now going to grow up under the impression they're
equal to men. How irresponsible of us. And just how do we intend
to explain to them when they get older they're destined to only
make 74¢ on the dollar compared to what men make? "Oops.
Sorry. No. But thanks for asking. Maybe next time. Have you tried
waitressing?" On the flip side, women will be able to enjoy
the experience of being shamelessly exploited purely on the basis
of their bodies. Oh, that's right, they already are. Not helping
the cause much was Brandi Chastain stripping down to sports bra
in the heat of the moment. Of course booting the winning shootout
goal in the World Cup is quite a moment. I'm pretty sure most
of America would have forgiven her had she had stripped down to
undies and scampered about the Rose Bowl like a frisky spring
lamb. As a matter of fact I imagine ABC would have preferred it.
And if the ladies really do want a professional soccer league
of their own they might want to put this whole topless thing on
the agenda. Same with the WNBA. Lisa Leslie is a babe. Women's
Will Durst thinks women's golf wouldn't
benefit much from my little suggestion.
Tue, 4 May 1999 04:59:26 -0400
a week's worth dipped in darth maul
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE CITY ANNOUNCED A PLAN TO
PENALIZE GROCERY STORES FOR LOSING SHOPPING CARTS ON THE SAME
DAY THEY HELD A PHOTO- OP AND GAVE CUSTOM MADE CARTS TO THE HOMELESS.
MUST BE AN INSURANCE THING.
They got a problem in Louisiana. Okay, a couple. One is Saturday's
nine way race to fill Bob Livingston's 1st District CongressionalSeat,
which he resigned after being caught in the spokes of Larry Flynt's
wheelchair. The field includes the owner of the New Orleans Zephyrs
Triple A Baseball Team, a woman named Monica Monica, one Democrat
and of course America's favorite White Supremacist with a chin
implant, David Duke. According to recent polls, Duke is buried
in middle of the pack, but the blow dried knuckle dragge rtraditionally
flies under radar as his supporters take as gospelthe long standing
custom of holding their views a private matter, meant for only
the ears of their family and their Lord. Hence the hoods. Monica
Monica has the unique ability to make people giggle at the mere
mention of her name which may serve her well if people find themselves
in the voting booth feeling they need a laugh. Bill Strain, the
Democrat, only has one chance; a dead heat with the other candidates
splitting their vote in an exact eight way tie and even then he'd
probably come in second. The New Orleans Picayune Times recently
asked all nine candidates the same three questions: name the US
Joint Chiefs of Staff; identify the motion to force a bill stuck
in a House Committee to the floor:and the Louisiana parishes eligible
for a proposed Federal Flood Control Project. Out of the 27 answers,
five were correct and three, 60%, came from 70 year old Dave Treen,
who served in Congress in the 70's, thus holding an unfair advantage.
Age and experience and all. I used to say if David Duke wins,
people will be seeking political asylum in Mississippi, but now,
I fear folks should start collecting out of state realtor references
no matter hence.
Will Durst forgot. The other problem
tomorrow. Okay, one of them. Oh yeah.
Did you know "picayune" means tiny annoyance? Weird,hunh?
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE A PANEL IS SET TO ANNOUNCE THE
COST OF RESTORING THE CITY'S PARK SYSTEM AT $350 MILLION. AND
THE MAYOR HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE SETTING ASIDE $1 MILLION. WELL,IT'S
Now where were we before being so rudely interrupted? Oh yeah,I
was talking about Louisiana's problems. The ones having nothing
to do with inbreeding, rampant corruption and entrenched racism
that is. So let us now address the swamp rat, which goes by the
name of Nutria. It's a South American import and has attacked
marshes like a horde of swimming buzzsaws. About the size of small
dog with webbed claws, fur so black it has a purplish tint;it
also sports two large buck teeth that are orange. Its only natural
predator is the alligator but the gators are full. TheState of
Louisiana can't get rid of them, so in the great American tradition
of making lemonade when you have lemons, they're trying to market
it. First they tried selling it for its fur. But not even the
Russians would buy that so now the state has turned to meat. Hey,
guess what, tastes just like chicken. All they really need is
a decent ad campaign and I'm here to help.
Nutria: the other other white meat.
The Swamp rat is once again . . . your friend.
Just eat it.
Nutria: its what's for dinner.
Did somebody say McNutria?
Swamp Rat: not just for breakfast anymore.
Five sixths of nutria is fifty percent of nutritious.
Will Durst likes chicken, but still...
ROCKFORD, ILLINOIS, WHERE 7500 PEOPLE SHOWED UP FOR A CITY SPONSORED
GARAGE SALE. YOU'D THINK IN A NICE SUBURBAN TOWN LIKE THIS, MOST
PEOPLE WOULD ALREADY HAVE GARAGES.
What They Say/ What They Mean
NATO: The crash of the F-16 was caused by engine failure.
WTM: That's what happens when anti aircraft artillery
hits an engine; it fails.
State Department: We want to congratulate Jesse Jackson on the
success of his mission and the safe return of the three POW's
and his delegation.
WTM: Obviously those smart bombs aren't as smart as we
Markovic (Mrs. Slobodan Milosevic): There is no ethnic cleansing
in Kosovo. We want peace.
WTM: Actually we want... piece. A piece of Bosnia. A piece
of Kosovo. A piece of Macedonia.
DeLay, R- Texas: Clinton should end this failed policy of bombing
WTM: And understand if he weren't bombing we'd be yelling
at him for that too.
White House: Releasing the three hostages was just a cheap publicity
stunt by Milosevic.
WTM: A pretty effective publicity stunt which we got to
try and negate somehow.
John McCain, R- Ariz.: The President should use all necessary
force to win the conflict in Yugoslavia including a ground invasion.
WTM: Oh by the way, did I mention I'm running for President?
Jesse Jackson: I wasn't trying to embarrass the administration,
I was just trying to help.
WTM: Heh heh heh.
Will Durst thinks Jesse Jackson is cool.
Tue, 27 Apr 1999 03:09:06 -0400
a week's worth in a reduction sauce
NEW ORLEANS, JAZZ FEST, WHERE THE SPECTACLE OF MIDDLE AGED WHITEFOLKS
DANCING TO 800 DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF "MUSTANG SALLY"
IS ONE THAT WOULD MAKE ANY SELF RESPECTING MASOCHIST WORTH HIS
SALT QUIVER WITH BLISSED OUT ECSTASY.
Most people come here for the music. For me its the food. This
place is to food what Los Angeles is to silicone. Unless you think
cholesterol can kill; and then N'Awlins is an AK-47 with a grenade
launcher. The neutron bomb of cuisine. Destroys your internal
organs, but leaves the will to drink intact. Nutritional Chernobyl.
Every year, my lovely wife Debi Ann and I make a pilgrimage to
the same restaurant, order the same thing, and I have no idea
what it is. A stick of butter with herbs nearby is my best guess.
These people have got grease . . . down. See, it's understood
you need to lay the necessary base for the ingestion of vast amounts
of adult amber beverages. If drinking were an Olympic sport, the
residents of New Orleans would have been banned back around 1752
because they have the amateur status of Carmen Electra. Not only
is there no bar time, but all the establishments convenientlyoffer
handy dandy plastic To-Go cups for those of us who can't bear
walking the 8 or 9 steps to the next bar sans beverage. Or even
driving sans beverage. It's legal to drink while you ride, although
officially the driver can't imbibe, but hey, if someonehappens
to slip him a sip, this is New Orleans, a city so corrupt, Chicago
is embarrassed. Disneyland for drunks. For a thirsty boy from
Milwaukee, its Nirvana.
Will Durst is oiled up and greasy.
NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA, WHERE THE WORLD IS DIVIDED INTO TWO DIFFERENT
TYPES OF PEOPLE. THOSE WITH A DRINKING PROBLEM AND THE DEAD.
It's official. All kids are evil, all media responsible and all
parents accomplices in the Littleton tragedy. I know because the
experts have descended onto the talk shows like a gaggle of sullen
vultures ripping at the national wound with their beaks sharpened
on the dry stone of academia and told us so. "This is not
an isolated incident." "The seeds have been planted
by movies and television." "There are a thousand thousands
imilar stories out there." And all we have to do is maintain
a constant vigil and be aware of the top ten warning signs that
your teenager may be the next high school terrorist.
1. Is their room often messy?
2. Do they listen to strange discordant music whose lyrics seem
incomprehensible to you?
3. Would they rather drive your car than ride their bike?
4. Are they grumpy and uncommunicative?
5. Do they question your authority and put up a battle doing
simple chores like writing thank you notes to Aunt Sally for
the nice crocheted sweater with the bear on it?
6. Have they taken to wearing sunglasses? Black sunglasses?
7. Answer these three questions: Piercings? Piercing? Piercings?
8. Are they accumulating a wardrobe that looks like it was rejected
by the Salvation Army?
9. Do they hang out with people who look like refugees from "The
10. Have you ever heard the word "out" as an entire
answer to your question "Where are you going?" or "Where
have you been?"
Will Durst is sorry he hasn't been around
for a week or so. He's been out.
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1999 05:13:23 -0400
a week's worth nearer thy heart
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA, THE OLDER BROTHER OF THE TWIN CITIES.ST.
PAUL IS KIND OF THE WEIRD BROTHER WHO DOESN'T COME OUT OFTHE ATTIC
THAT MUCH AND NOBODY TALKS ABOUT EXCEPT JESSE.
You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This. Serbian
* I think the United States should
be able to convince Slobodan Milosevic that a "Land For
Peace" deal is in his best interest. After all, look how
well it worked out for the Sioux.
* The most depressing part of the Serbian
bombing for Americans is getting replacement parts for used Yugos.
Owners must be thanking god the best technology available was
put into its design making repairs almost unnecessary.
* When you see news footage of Clinton
golfing, you wonder if he thinks this whole Serbian thing is
just one gigantic game of "Risk" and we're rolling
double sixes, or a really well co ordinated 19 nation drive by
* Yeltsin has promised the Serbs Russian
humanitarian aid. And guess where he's getting the humanitarian
aid to send them. From the US. The more I say "you can't
make stuff up like this", the more I believe it.
* NATO Commander General Wesley Clark
asked the Pentagon for 300 more planes to make possible a rapid
expansion of the attacks. Our best hope for frightening Milosevic
is if we send planes commandeered directly from Continental Airlines.
* In response to questions about what
will be done about Kosovo in the future, Secretary of State Madeleine
Albright said, "there are a number of ideas out there, but
none of those have been settled upon." Which in political
speak means, "we'll bomb that bridge when we come to it."
Will Durst likes to portage around bridges.
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA, WHERE WINTER LINGERS, SPRING TEASES, SUMMERIS
STILL SEARCHING THE INTERNET FOR ONE OF THOSE DISCOUNT THREEMONTH
CRUISES TO TAHITI, AND WINTER LAUGHS BEHIND THE COUCH WAITINGTO
SEE IF ANYBODY CANCELS.
* Aah, April 15th, the day all of America
gladly hands over a pound of flesh, preferably somebody else's,
to the federal Government so Uncle Sam can build roads and bridges
and bombs to blow up somebody else's roads and bridges.
* Of course, it makes it so much easier
knowing we're dealing with a kinder gentler IRS, which means
what... now they're using glue to attach your puppy's paws to
the evidence van instead of sheet metal nails?
* Instead of spending a million bucks
just to collect a dime, they raised the minimum to forty cents.
* Sales taxes. Income taxes. Property
taxes. Sometimes, I wonder why the government just doesn't give
us free room and board in exchange for all our money. Of course,
maybe we shouldn't be giving them ideas. Works for Castro.
* They say the only two sure things
in life are death and taxes. How come we're doing so much research
on forestalling one but not the other. Get Kevorkian on the job.
* Can not be a coincidence that taxes
is so close to Texas in spelling.
* The worst part for the accountants
is knowing we're already collecting a whole brand new brown paper
bag of anonymous receipts to turn in next year.
Will Durst doesn't turn in brown paperbags
full of receipts to his acountant. He uses a shoe box.
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA, WHERE THE HANSENS AND THE ANDERSONS ANDTHE
SWENSONS PRETTY MUCH RUN EVERYTHING. IT'S LIKE BEING IN THE MIDDLE
OF A SCANDINAVIAN MOB. GOING TO NEED THE RICO STATUTESTO BREAK
THE LUTEFISK CARTEL.
Here's the deal. We're way too nice.
People love to lose wars to us. We got snotty little countries
lined up like we're handing out free gold filled jelly donuts
begging for the chance to goad us into kicking their butts. See,we're
the good guys. Which means more than our fair share of liberal
weenies staying up way past their bedtime just to make sure we
win humanely. And then afterwards we start feeling guilty. "Oh
poor baby, did we bomb the poop out of you? Well here's some food
and clothing and money to rebuild your factories. Now go play
nice with the other despots. And no more ethnic cleansing! "What
do you want to bet in forty years we'll all be driving Serbian
made automobiles. Although, I have the feeling they won't be called
Yugos. And after the war with Serbia is over, the LED numbers
will click over and it'll be somebody else's turn to pop off tous
on an international stage and we'll have to put our ass kicking
boots back on and graphically demonstrate the business end o four
size 10 EEE's. We got to start setting an example to discourage
these punks. Like the Huns and Visigoths, the next time we take
somebody out, we have to be cruel and unusual. No more of this
Happy Valley winneI want to see heads on pikes. I'm talking looting,
pillaging and making them work for the phone company. Okay, that
might be going too far, but like that.
Being from Wisconsin, Will Durst has
seen pike heads but never heads on pikes.
SILICON VALLEY, CALIFORNIA, THE AREA MOST AFFECTED BY THE NAZDAQ
PLUNGING AMID FEARS THAT TECH STOCKS WERE OVERPRICED WHICH STEMMED
FROM A BIT OF SKEPTICISM THAT AMAZON.COM AND THE LIKE MAY NOTBE
WORTH THE GROSS NATIONAL PRODUCT OF THE WORLD.
I'm not sure the oil embargo of Yugoslavia is going to work andI
would like to offer up an alternative form of diplomacy. A burger
embargo. See, when the first wave of NATO bombing began, the citizens
of Belgrade announced their displeasure with Western intervention
by smashing all the McDonalds in the city. Then last week, they
were reopened due to popular demand. After all, even ethnic cleansing
has its priorities. Obviously a fine line between "Yankee
imperialist war mongering devils; get out now or we will darken
your portals with the broken shards of this yellow arched symbol
of you," and: "Okay, okay, okay. We almost made it a
whole month without a Big Mac, but this is silly. We still rejec
tyour values, but we do love your Value Meals. And what do you
mean you've run out of Monopoly game pieces?" So, we can
go two ways with this. Either we force McDonalds to ferment revolt
by sending them just the reject sandwiches like the Mc DLT and
the McRib or we drop all the really important Monopoly game pieceson
the Kosovo/ Albania border and make the Serbs trade with the Kosovars
to complete their board. "All right, I'll give you three
Baltics and a Reading Railroad for your Park Place. Okay,what
if I throw in your grandfather's identification papers?"It
may turn out the major circuit breaker between us and WW III is
Will Durst knew. Oh yes he did.
Will Durst is going to Jazz Fest in
New Orleans for his annual lube job so he promises to be comatose
incontinent and incommunicable for a while. This sort of week's
worth will probably not come this time next week. And if it does,
it is guaranteed to be not decipherable by the sober human mind.
Do not despair. Land ho.
Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1999 04:42:28 -0400
your own personal week's worth
AUGUSTA, GEORGIA, WHERE THIS MORNING AT EIGHT AM, 97 YEAR OLD
GENE SARAZEN WILL TEE OFF MARKING THE OPENING OF THE MASTERS TOURNAMENT.
AND BOTH HIS DISTANCE AND SWING WILL BE BETTER THAN MINE.
You could say golf is a funny game. The same way you could say
nuclear warfare is a funny game. The only difference between golf
and nuclear warfare is... golf is more important. And you would
think that nowhere would they take themselves more self importantly
than here at Augusta National, the most cherished and exclusive
golf course in America. You would be wrong. This august course
is huge, and hence very spectator friendly. And the concessions
aren't set up simply for multiple top ten finishers either. Sodas
are 75 and you can get a very edible barbecue sandwich for a buck
and a half. The game played here every second weekend in April
is a little different than the one I play. For instance, more
things you'll hear in my foursome you'll never hear on the protour:
- Oh great. Didn't make it past the
ladies tee again. Who's got the
- Where's that twist-off cap I was using
for a ball marker?
- Closest to the fairway for a buck?
- Should I just take a stroke or try
a seven iron off that guy's grill?
- If they don't want you to drive the
cart on the green, they should tell a person.
- I think getting rid of Fluff is really
going to improve Tiger's game.
- Why should I pay for the window. I
wouldn't build my house there.
- Is that your cell phone ringing or
- All right, I'll have another hot dog,
but six is my limit.
- Uh oh, here comes the marshall. Stash
Will Durst is assuming we're talking
about all the PGA foursomes that don't
include John Daly.
THE MASTERS TOURNAMENT, AUGUSTA, GEORGIA, WHERE THE LEADER BOARD
BOASTS A COUPLE OF FORMER WINNERS AND A FEW ROOKIES BUT BUTTERFLIES
DON'T DISCRIMINATE. BY THE TIME THIS THING IS OVER I IMAGINE EVENTHE
SHARK COULD BE SPITTING UP PLANKTON.
I'm a Nixon baby.
I'm a Nixon baby, baby.
Just a Nixonian reduction on a bed of julienned baby free rangeNixon
topped by a tart Bolivian beriberi Nixon wash.
First eight years of my life.
Didn't even know what Nixon meant.
But I didn't like it.
I was warned against four letter words.
And this was a lot like that.
Taking my first breath, he was VP.
In 56, VP again.
In 60, he tried but failed to kill Saint Jack.
In 64, his shadow loomed like a jumbo jet crossing the Mojaveat
Took Goldwater to make Nixon a moderate.
And in 68, he ran again and won.
In 72 he won again.
Then a couple years later, there was some unpleasantness. Andhe
But not far.
In 76, the guy he hand picked ran and almost won.
In 80, a Hollywood remake of Nixon, won.
In 84, the same.
In 88, the Hollywood remake of Nixon's vice president which means
what: a bad Nixon Xerox without any toner, won.
In 92, the bad Nixon Xerox without any toner lost to a Southernclone
In 96, the Southern clone of Kennedy beat the old tower guardat
And in the year 2000, it'll be another Southern clone of Kennedywithout
the charm versus the bad Nixon Xerox without any toner'sson.
I'm a Nixon baby, baby. And so are you.
Will Durst wants to know how come he
isn't a Kennedy baby.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE WE ARE HAVING THE HARDEST TIME
CONVINCING THE WEATHER IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE SPRING ALREADY. OF
COURSE IN MINNESOTA THIS COLD SNAP IS PROBABLY KNOWN AS SUMMER.
Hey everybody! Guess what? The US has a missile deficit. Who would
have thunk? It seems we, AKA: The Good Guys, have pummeled those
pesky Serbs close to submission with too many Cruise missiles
and now, we're running out. Of missiles, not Serbian targets,that
is. Doesn't that just wrap your undies in a knot bundle the size
of Madagascar? Dig that image. Poor Uncle Sam in his stocking
feet paddling off to the missile cupboard and coming up empty.And
the ironic part is he can't go to the store to buy any more, because...
he is the store. Oh sure, he's got 2000 Tomahawks left in the
downstairs pantry but only two thirds of those are the most excellent
kind with New Improved Crater Helper and he's expected to whip
through 300 of them next week taking out bridges and orphanages
and such in the name of humanity. Originally designed to carry
nuclear payloads, the Tomahawks wowed critics in their premier
performance as tactical weapons during Desert Storm and graduated
to become the entire offensive line of the Pentagon. Unfortunately,
production stopped in 1997 to develop an even hunkier tactical
cruise missile with Amazing Cluster Crystals but it won't be ready
for four years. However, don't you for a minute think the good
old US doesn't have stand by plans. We are seriously considering
upgrading 146 dumb bombs with conversion kits costing $350,000apiece,
but alas and alack, NEA grants have been slashed and federal scholarships
are severely limited, so we might be forced to wage the rest of
the non war with ground troops, which as we know,is so barbaric.
Will Durst wonders how soon dumb bomb
jokes will become all the rage.
Date: Tue, 6 Apr 1999 02:59:29 -0400
a week's worth dipped in gloveoleum
RENO, NEVADA, WHERE THE ONLY THING LOUDER AND MORE OFFENSIVE THAN
THE CASINO CARPETING IS THE EYE SHADOW ON THE FEMALE BLACKJACKDEALERS.
ALMOST AS LOUD AS THE CRIES OF THE LOSERS AT THE NICKELSLOTS.
Okay, I know I run the risk of sounding like a yuppie hating banana
puke with a heart as black and cold as the Siberian night carrying
a forty pound chip on my blue collar shoulder, but I got to say
the news from the Natural Resources Defense Council has made me
all warm and fuzzy inside. They called bottled water a bigger
scam than an Ed McMahon Sweepstakes. More of a ripoff than Steve
Forbes spending forty million dollars to be seventh runner up
in the New Hampshire primary. I call bottled water an expensive
reason to get a fancy bottle to fill with ordinary tap water later.In
a four year study, 103 brands were tested and one third contained
contaminants exceeding state or federal standards. Estimates are25
to 40 percent of bottled water is just repackaged municipal tap
water. "Pure as an alpine spring," as long as you understand
that spring might be runoff from a toxic wastedump laced with
arsenic. Although the NRDC admitted bottled water poses no significant
public health risk and is safe to consume. Well that's certainly
good news. So, that means in the last ten years, over $4 billion
has been spent on fancy placebos. Tap water with a pretty label
and weaker federal regulations. PT Barnumwas right and he's running
Will Durst loves it when people spend
eight bucks for a bottle of Pelligrino and then pour it over ice.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE BEFORE THEY BUILD THEIR NEW STADIUMTHE
GIANTS HAVE TO SHIP 20,000 TONS OF LEAD LOADED DIRT TO UTAH AT
THE COST OF $55 A TON. TOO BAD THEY CAN'T FIGURE OUT A WAY TO
SELL THEM AS SOUVENIRS.
The Yugoslavs, our first enemy to embrace rock and roll, are protesting
Western media bias against the Serbs and so I'm here to help with
a story already writ they can plug into wire service reports.
"Those endearingly aggressive Serbs led by their single minded
and swarthy leader Slobodan Milosevic, also known as the Boobie
of Belgrade, are waging a losing battle with the Kosovar Muslims
to repopulate the Western sections of Yugoslavia as the Kosovo
cowards continue their treasonous run to Macedonia and Albania,cravenly
denying their Serbian brothers goodbye hugs. Accounts from the
border further indicate the Kosovars' stubborn insistence on bleeding
on the brave benevolent freedom fighter's bayonets and generally
causing great distress to patriotic medical squadrons avariciously
using up all the bandages and caskets. It is thought the Muslims
are attempting to skulk out of the country carryingwith them valuable
identification papers that would assist in the overthrow of the
true Christian God. They also ungraciousl yrefuse the comfort
of the soothing bonfires provided them by loyalist Serbs as they
hurry out of Yugoslavian cities carrying looted possessions from
their own homes on the backs of grandmother sof dubious provenance.
It is hoped that soon the Kosovars will end this bloody conflict
by laying down their arms and other limbs and allow swift and
merciful Serbian justice to engulf them."
Will Durst liked it better when theenemy
thought rock and roll was subversive.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE SISTERS OF PERPETUAL INDULGENCEHAD
THEIR BLOCK PARTY AND ABSOLUTELY NOBODY GOT HURT, EXCEPT FORTHE
FEELINGS OF A COUPLE HUNDRED THOUSANDS CATHOLICS WHO DESPITECENTURIES
OF INTOLERANCE ARE UNCOMFORTABLE BEING MOCKED.
Hey everybody, its Easter! That fabulous holiday when Christ comesout
of his cave, sees his shadow and baseball season starts. Orsomething
like that. Any which way you figure it though, we'retalking spring.
Forget your robins and your cherry blossoms andyour yellow marshmallow
bunnies, it's today with the first crackof the bat in Cincinnati's
Riverfront Stadium that is the truegong signaling the launch of
the Vernal Equinox. Because hopedoes spring eternal and this IS
next year when every team is rebornwith a chance to win it all,
at least for a while. Some for alonger while than others. And
here are the teams for whom I predictthis will be next season.
Yankees. Yankees. Yankees. Shut up. I know. I'm not happy aboutit
Deal with it. Toronto wins the wild card.
The only thing the Cleveland Indians lack is a World Series ring,and
this might be the year they get some jewelry.
Every year a surprise team rises out of the rubbish heap to shakeit
up, and this season the Oakland Athletics are going to shakeoff
the garbage and do just that.
Braves. Braves. Braves. See Yankees. Mets get wild card.
I really want to say the Milwaukee Brewers because I always believein
predicting with your heart rather than your head, but I gotto
go with the Cardinals. Aww, screw it, the Brewers.
The Dodgers win on paper but if they played on paper, nobody wouldbuy
hot dogs. Kevin Brown's contract is worth more than four entirefranchises.
So let's go with Dusty's Misfits. Giants.
AL: Indians beat Toronto. Athletics beat Yankees. Indians beatAthletics.
NL: Mets beat Braves. Giants beat Brewers. Giants beat Mets.
World Series: It's 1951 all over again: Giants beat Indians.
Hey, a guy can dream, can't he and WillDurst
is that guy.
THE MASTERS TOURNAMENT, AUGUSTA, GEORGIA, WHERE THE WORLD'S ELITEGOLFERS
MEET ONCE A YEAR TO HIT A LITTLE WHITE BALL WITH LONGMETAL STICKS
AND THE WINNER GETS A GREEN JACKET AND ABOUT A MILLIONDOLLARS.
ENOUGH TO BUY A COUPLE EXTRA GREEN JACKETS FOR FRIENDS.
The fact that this is the arguably the most prestigious golf tournamentin
the world means everybody takes practice time a tad more seriouslythan
Bill Clinton takes breakfast with Hillary. But I have thefeeling
that even when these guys are messing around their gameis as different
from the one that I play as thoroughbred horseracing is to snails
on a track in racing silks. For instance,here are just a few things
that you'll hear in my foursome you'llnever hear on the Pro Tour.
- Aww, what the hell, let these guys
play through too.
- Do these pants go with this shirt?
- This is a par 4? You got to be kidding
- Which one we shooting at? The red
one or the yellow one?
- Look at this consistency. 7... 7...
7. And only one of them was a triple bogey.
- I'm sorry gentlemen, your money's
no good here. This round is on me.
- How the hell am I supposed to aim
for something I can't even see?
- Might as well hit away. No chance
of us reaching those guys.
- Reach into the back and pick me out
a cold one.
- I'm just going to whack the crap out
of it and see what happens.
Will Durst plays military golf. Left.Right.
Left. Right. Left. Right.
Date: Tue, 30 Mar 1999 03:20:20 -0500
some week's worths are long
PHOENIX, ARIZONA, WHERE THE WORLD HAS BEEN NARROWED DOWN TO WHERETHE
GOLF IS AND ALL THE OTHER PLACES WHERE YOU CAN LIVE AND STILLDRIVE
TO THE GOLF WITHOUT THE AIR CONDITIONING OVERHEATING.
You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This: Oscar Edition.
* Would someone please please PLEASE
get Gwenneth Paltrow a club sandwich. Makes Calista Flockhart
look like a bloated cow with an exploded internal helium pack.
* And how come nobody mentioned the
presentation of the technical awards was marred by technical
problems. Must be an irony free zone.
* Who would have thought that it would
take Whoopi Goldberg to make Billy Crystal look like a genius.
Beaver jokes? I suppose center square on Hollywood Squares does
have its compulsories. Bring back David Letterman.
* Is Goldie Hawn crying? No, that's
just her face.
* Even Cuba Gooding Jr had to be thinking:
"Roberto: settle down." Question: does Jupiter have
* My Dad always complains about movies
with subtitles. "For crum's sake, I don't go to the movies
* Who applied Helen Hunt's eyeliner.
* I can't tell you how moved I was
by the interpretive dances of movies nominated for best picture.
I haven't been this choked up since the 60 Minutes Poetry Slam.
* Quick, call PETA and have them make
De Niro remove that poor groundhog from his head.
* Who had less to do at the Oscars?
Colin Powell. John Glenn. Geena
Will Durst still wants to go someday.What's
wrong with him?
NEW YORK, NEW YORK, WHERE THE DIRT ON THE STREETS HIDES ALL SORTSOF
THINGS, SUCH AS: BACTERIA, DISCARDED FAST FOOD CONTAINERS,AND
ABANDONED SCHOOL BUSES FULL OF BAND EQUIPMENT FROM UPPER NEWYORK
Frequently Asked Questions About TheKosovo
Q. How do we refer to Slobodan Milosevic?
A. The Serbian Strongman, not a good sign. "Strongman"
is US shorthand for
"Guy about to be bombed back to the stone age."
Q. What does NATO call the bombing?
A. Humanitarian Intervention, which makes its sound like a bunch
of us are going over to his house to try and convince him to
quit hanging out at bars during the day.
Q. What happened to the Peace Talks?
A. You don't hold Peace Talks in Paris for crum's sake. Didn't
we learn anything from Vietnam?
Q. Where should they be held?
A. Places people don't want to be. Dayton springs to mind. And
Q. Why are the Serbs opposed to an
Albanian ethnic majority?
A. We've asked the Serbs and can't seem to get a straight answer.
All we get is something that sounds like "Not In My Back
Yard" in Serbian.
Q. What are they trying to do about
A. The Serbian thought goes, we have to make Serbs the majority
here and there are two ways to do it: one is to make more Serbs
and the other is to make less Albanians. Making less Albanians
seems to be the more expedient choice.
Q. How do we explain the innocent people
killed while we make a statement?
A. Call them collateral damage.
Will Durst is not in favor of collateraldamage.
NEW YORK, NEW YORK, A TOWN SO NICE THEY NAMED IT TWICE. OR YOUCOULD
THINK OF IT AS MORE OF A EPITHET PEOPLE MUMBLE OVER ANDOVER TO
THEMSELVES BETWEEN SOLILOQUIES HAVING TO DO WITH CANNIBALIZATION.
Frequently Asked Questions About TheKosovo
Q. Which NATO countries' resolve isstarting
to weaken and why?
A. Italy and Greece are making whimpering noises about diplomacy,because
of their proximity to the fighting. Its suspected they'reworried
this may drag on till summer and affect tourist season.
Q. Why were all western journalistsordered
out of Yugoslavia?
A. To the mind not conditioned through a lifetime of freedom ofthe
press, journalists are considered ravenous out of controlcarrion
eating parasites who will shamelessly pervert the truthfor the
sake of building readers.
Q. Just like over here, hunh?
A. Pretty much, yeah.
Q. Have any of our leaders ever consideredthis
A. In dreams.
Q. The vote in the House of Representativeswas
434 to 1 to support the bombing. Who was the 1 and why?
A. Democrat Barbara Lee of California. She thought we were bombingCostco.
Q. What will it take to stop the attacks?
A. The expansion of Monica Lewinsky's press tour.
Q. So far in a year, we've bombed Sudan,Afghanistan,
Iraq and Serbia. What gives?
A. Got to clear out excess inventory to make space for the newspring
Will Durst is worried about the newspring
line of body bags.
MANHATTAN ISLAND, NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK, WHERE ONLY RICH WHITEPEOPLE
CAN AFFORD TO LIVE, AND THEY GET WAITED ON BY IMMIGRANTSFORCED
TO LIVE ELSEWHERE. IT'S A TWO CLASS SYSTEM. KIND OF LIKEA CUTE
LITTLE MICROCOSM OF AMERICA ITSELF.
I'm here to dispel an ugly rumor, and right a hideous inequity.San
Francisco doesn't really hate Oakland. We're just jealous.Why?
Because Oakland has the one thing that San Francisco desperatelywants
but is destined to never have. That which we desire morethan anything
else. A view of San Francisco. Its not fair. Themore beautiful
old Baghdad By The Bay makes itself; the more beautifulthe view
Oakland receives. Gratis. For nothing. Just there forthe taking.
And what does San Francisco get for all our extravagantfussing
and gussying up? A view of Oakland. Ick. It's like GeorgeHamilton
forced to view the likeness of Don Knotts everytime heshaves.
Which is why I would like to propose the Bay Mirror Project.We
get federal funding to erect a huge double sided mirror outon
Treasure Island, so Oakland gets to see Oakland all the timeand
San Francisco gets to bask in the glory of our own reflection.Then
New York City could do the same thing with New Jersey. AndParis
would encircle itself. As would Los Angeles. Only LA woulduse
a two way mirror so everybody else could have the pleasureof seeing
them too. We would never do that in San Francisco. Unlessthere
was a cover charge. Or is that what the bridge tolls alreadyare?
Will Durst is President of the Bay MirrorProject.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE BECAUSE OF A RUSE GONE AWRY THESCHOOL
DISTRICT BOUGHT TWO BUILDINGS WHEN IT ONLY NEEDED ONE.ISN'T IT
COMFORTING TO KNOW THESE ARE THE PEOPLE TEACHING OURKIDS MATH.
The Catholic Church called for a boycott of San Francisco to protestThe
Sisters Of Perpetual Indulgence's planned 20th AnniversaryParty
which is scheduled to close down two blocks of Castro Streeton
Easter Sunday. And yet the 30 member controversial street theaterrefuses
to change the date of their party. What is wrong withthese girls?
Don't they understand? The Catholic Church can'tmake a mistake.
Its infallible. They wouldn't make a big stinkabout this unless
they were afraid the campy gay organizationwas a real threat to
its trillion dollar real estate empire. Bigtime religion is serious
business and some satiric charity groupshould not be allowed to
make fun of it. It's Unamerican. Placingan ad in the San Francisco
Chronicle, the Catholic League forReligious and Civil Rights urged
Catholics to "take theirconvention money to a city that truly
practices the virtue oftolerance for everybody." Like Salt
Lake City. And who intheir infinite wisdom has proven to be more
tolerant to everybodythan Catholics? Just because they advocated
the policy of burninggays alive a couple years ago doesn't mean
they should be allowedto be the object of mocking and scoffing
and taunting. What'sthis country coming to. Next thing you know,
there'll be talkabout taxing religions.
Will Durst thinks it'll be a long timebefore
anybody starts doing street theater on that.
Date: Tue, 23 Mar 1999 12:39:20 -0500
some week's worths are shorter thanothers
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, A TOWN THAT DIDN'T EVEN EXIST WHENSAINT
PATRICK WAS BUSY SNAKE HERDING, BUT IF YOU FOLLOWED LOCALPOLITICS
YOU MIGHT THINK THIS WAS HIS CORRAL.
Now I don't mean to boost everyone's blood pressure higher thanscalper
prices on the new Star Wars movie by overeacting here,but if I
were you, I'd find a nice safe steel bunker to hunkerdown behind,
because it's awards season and cast statuettes arebeing tossed
around like dimes at a county fair. Like resignationslips at the
European Union Commission Executive Lounge. Likehair spray at
the West Virginia Junior Miss Pageant. We've Oscars,the Comedy
Awards, the Country Music Awards; the Emmys are comingup and now
I'm weighing in with the most important of all: theWill Durst
Thank God They Exist Because I'm A Comic Awards.
* BEST ACTOR: Kenneth Starr as prosecutor
Javert in the long running Washington production of Les Miserables.
* PROOF THAT SOME SPECIES DO EAT THEIR
YOUNG AWARD: Linda Tripp for saying she thought of Monica as
her daughter. By the way, Linda also gets the best supporting
actor award for her role in "Tootsie goes to the Pentagon."
* BEST ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE:
Hillary Clinton for her portrayal as a saint.
* THE HAMILTON BURGER BEST IMPERSONATION
OF AN ATTORNEY DESTINED TO LOSE AWARD: Group award to Microsoft's
* THE I DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT AWARD:
Bob Dole, Viagra and Erectile Dysfunction.
* BEST SCORE: Whoever bought Amazon.com
* LAZURUS AWARD: Steve Jobs and Apple
* UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT AWARD: A tie.
The US Government for announcing that it's worried about the
long term effects of Medical Marijuana on the terminally ill.
And the University of Kentucky which has banned alcohol on campus
sending the message to students, that if you want to drink, get
Will Durst has always been unclear onthe
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE CATHOLIC CHURCH IS VERY UPSETBECAUSE
THE SISTERS OF PERPETUAL INDULGENCE PLAN TO HOST A STREETPARTY
ON EASTER SUNDAY. WELL GOSH GUYS, I MEAN WHO WAS HERE FIRST.OH
YEAH, GOOD POINT.
Okay, where were we before I was so rudely interrupted by thedrinking
many adult beverages in celebration of my forty secondbirthday?
Oh yeah, we were talking about how this whole awardhanding out
thing is getting ridiculous. So let's keep it goingshall we with
part two of Will Durst Thank God They Exist BecauseI'm A Comic
* ODD TRIPLET AWARD: Ford and Volvo
* THE WHO KNEW AWARD: The cable companies
for raising rates by 21% despite around the Telecommunications
Act which of course they helped to write.
* BEST IMPRESSION OF A SLEEPY LIZARD
IN SEARCH OF A WARM ROCK: Once again, Sam Donaldson in a sweep.
* THE PIXIE DUST AWARD: To all us baby
boomers counting on the Social Security System to take care of
us when we get old.
* THE IT HAS TO BE BETTER THAN IT SOUNDS
AWARD: The vegetarian workplace snack from Dilbert creator Scott
Adams called the Dilberrito.
* BEST CHOREOGRAPHER: For the sixth
straight year... Alan Greenspan.
* YOU CAN'T MAKE STUFF UP LIKE THIS
AWARD: Ross Perot for saying Clinton should resign because he's
* And finally: THE ORIGINAL GODFATHER OF SOUL AWARD: to Thomas
Jefferson, who it should be pointed out never tried to get Sally
Hemings a job at Revlon either.
* THE KAHOUTEK AWARD FOR MOST OVERRATED
Will Durst says why not 2 k?
Date: Tue, 16 Mar 1999 02:37:11 -0500
a week's worth with political splooeyall
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE WE ARE HOME TO A LARGE UNDERGROUNDOF
PEOPLE INVOLVED IN THE OVERTHROW OF THE US GOVERNMENT. THEYARE
KNOWN BY MANY NAMES. ONE IS THE SAN FRANCISCO BOARD OF SUPERVISORS.
You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This
* In Oakland, a motorist who pointed
his finger and said "Bang" after a near accident was
arrested by a Secret Service agent for "making a terrorist
threat." And how long after we start prosecuting people
for using onomatopoeia before we prosecute them for being able
to spell it.
* A previously unknown seismic fault
was discovered under metropolitan Los Angeles. It's called a
blind thrust fault. As opposed to those wacky blind trust faults,
which are responsible for the breaking of many room service champagne
bottles in expensive hotel suites.
* Newt Gingrich is so busy raising
money, he's drawn an angry response from Republican House members
who worry his efforts will sap funds from the party's campaign
for election 2000. The Democrats are reportedly ready to offer
him free banquet rooms and deli trays all across the country.
* After her lawyers take their cut,
Paula Jones will end up with $200,000 from the $850,000 settlement
she received from Bill Clinton. Not enough to immunize her from
all that trailer trash talk but enough to cover the walls of
the double wide in orange shag carpeting.
* The Mountain View, California, drug
company, Vivus, won a patent for a rub- on cream that will improve
orgasms in women. Female Viagra. The spokesman for the company
is Dr. Gesundheit, and its a safe bet women all over the world
will echo his name and say "God Bless you."
Will Durst wonders when women all overthe
world will echo his name.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE MAYOR HAS DECIDED TO BACKOFF
A PROPOSAL TO RAISE THE FARES ON THE CITY'S MUNICIPAL TRANSITSYSTEM.
NEITHER HOWEVER DOES HE PLAN TO PAY PEOPLE TO RIDE IT,WHICH WAS
At one point in the middle of Congressional hearings on somethingcalled
the Passengers Bill Of Rights, it slowly became shockinglyapparent
they were actually referring to us. Such a turning oftide has
not been seen since Charlton Heston and that whole RedSea deal.
Admittedly this bill has about as much chance of passingin its
entirety as a herd of vivisectioned banana slugs has ofwinning
number 1 seed in the NBA Western Division playoffs. Itwould require
airlines to tell the truth about such things asplane changes,
runway delays and the origin of the meat in theso called chicken
breast soaked in brown sauce, which could causea revolt in the
ranks. And trust me, when talking about the foodin coach, rank
and revolting are your key words here. It's timefor us to weigh
in with our own list of demands here.
* The right to a no infant section.
* The right to movie screens larger
than a postcard.
* The right to seats for people larger
than pygmy supermodels.
* The right to nuts. I want my nuts
back. Unlimited nuts. And I'm not talking about my seatmates
* The right to strict enforcement of
stringent odor constraints. And yes, I am talking about my seatmates
here. No shirt, no shoes, no chicken breast soaked in brown sauce.
Will Durst has enough frequent flyerpoints
for a roundtrip ticket to Io.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE BIOTIC BAKING BRIGADE STRUCKAGAIN
HITTING CHEVRON CEO KENNETH DERR IN THE BACK WITH PIES.THEY WERE
AIMING FOR HIS FACE BUT I GUESS THEY SLID OFF DUE TOACCUMULATED
Fox News is reporting Hillary Rodham Clinton, also known as JaneDoe
#6, is boycotting her husband's trip to Central America becauseshe's
furious with him and won't sleep in the same hotel room.The First
Lady's spokesperson poo poohed the would be scandalsaying the
Hillmeister skipped the trip because of a back injuryaggravated
by skiing. Skeptics claim the pain she is experiencinghas to do
with Bill and affects the part of the anatomy lyingdue south of
her back. Of course maybe the whole problem is notthe marriage
so much as memories of Central American plumbing.After all she's
been there before and certain colonic cognizancesdie hard. There
are smells that just don't leave you no matterhow many traffic
jams your motorcades cause. The report also goeson to say the
big blowup in the Clintons marriage came duringtheir Utah skiing
vacation a few weeks ago- a trip from whichthey abruptly returned
a day early. East Wing response... sameback injury. Obviously
that's their story and they're stickingto it. And yet the next
week she was gallivanting around the BigApple showing no signs
of physical discomfort. Of course, anotherspin would be the curative
powers of New York City, whose odorshold sister city status to
the Central American plumbing smellswe spoke of earlier.
Will Durst can't even look at tequila without thinking of CentralAmerican
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE SAINT PATRICK'S DAY PARADEFEATURED
A RAUCOUS DISPLAY OF CAROUSING AND SINGING AND DRINKINGIN THE
STREET. IN OTHER WORDS, BUSINESS AS USUAL.
The former spokesmurf, George Stephanopoulos, just released abook
about his tragic corruption in the Clinton White House called"All
Too Human: A Political Education." He's gettingtons of flack
because the deal is, you're supposed to have thesimple common
courtesy to wait until the Big Guy leaves officebefore you start
stabbing him in the back with stale icepicksof betrayal. He claims
to be shocked to find out Bill was a biggerliar than he expected,
which considering he was in Presidentialpolitics sounds to me
like the guy who cleans elephant cages professingto be confused
by the amount of manure he has to work with. "Wadersdon't
work." You wonder what it'll take before Chlesea spillsher
dirty laundry about the family. Probably more than the $2.75million
advance Georgie got to twist his scruples and loyaltyinto bite
sized easy to swallow pieces. Of course maybe its hisnew position
as an ABC pundit that has put him in the self servingclear to
do the same thing Dick Morris did, whom he accused oftreachery.
After all, what's that old saying, when you lie downwith ink stained
wretches who would sell their mothers to theglue factory, you
get up an orphan. Or something like that.
Will Durst has many mothers. All stillalive.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE A "DISNEYLAND FOR DEADHEADS"IS
BEING PROPOSED NOW THE WATERFRONT DEVELOPMENT MORATORIUM ISOVER.
WONDER WHAT THE VENDORS WILL SELL AT THE NIGHTLY PARADEDOWN MAIN
STREET TO BEST VIEW THE DANCING SKELETONS.
Al Gore shoehorned his way onto the very crowded Non CandidateBandwagon
as he made his way to Iowa and New Hampshire this weekin a show
of strength against his only announced opponent, Bill"the
White Ghost" Bradley. Oh sure he's been to thetwo primary
primary states so often the local Tibetan monks filedrestraining
orders against him, but this is the first time hisexpenses are
being paid by his newly formed exploratory committee.And he's
exploring various things; such as how much money is available,what
kind of cash is lying around and who's hanging onto the bigbucks.
But like Liddy Dole and George W. Bush, he's still can'tcommit
to running. "America needs decisive leadership!""So
does that mean you're going to run?" "We haven'tdecided
yet." Yeah, right. And rickshaws handle well on freewayramps.
Gore has the added sticky problem of having to explainwhy he claimed
in a CNN interview that as a member of Congress"he took the
initiative in creating the Internet," eventhough the Internet
dates back to 1969, eight years before PrinceAl was first elected
to Congress. There's probably a simple answer;he was just really
really prescient. After all, with that cuteas a bug grin he's
already really really precious.
Will Durst is precious too.
Date: Tue, 9 Mar 1999 02:29:54 -0500
a shrinkwrapped week's worth
HUALALAI, HAWAII, HAWAII, WHERE THE CONVENTION OF THE INTERNATIONALBARRISTERS
SOCIETY HAS THE POOL CLOGGED WITH TYPE A PERSONALITIESTRYING TO
RELAX. LOT OF WATERPROOF CELLULAR PHONE COVERS.
Monica talks! Monica apologizes! Monica giggles! Monica cries!All
the way to the bank. Beginning her blitz through promotionland
that will make the Nazi push into Poland look like a leisurelystroll
through a petting zoo, Ms. Lewinsky went on ABC for twohours and
let Barbara Walters do whatever it is that Barbara Waltersdoes.
Apparently it has something to do with getting folks confusedby
questions they've heard a thousand times before. Guess they'renot
used to hearing them in a voice that could be patented byindustrial
restaurant supply stores as a cheap way to bulk gratecarrots.
Coincidentally, the most hated woman in America and noI don't
mean the creepy lady in the Old Navy commercials, theone who isn't
Morgan Fairchild; no I'm talking about the unofficialmascot of
the University of Alaska- Nome Walruses, Linda Tripp,got a new
job yesterday as a public affairs specialist. Did youget that?
Public affairs specialist! Linda Tripp. You can't makestuff up
like this. She won't talk to reporters in her job butwill advise
other staff members on what to say to the media. "Okay,now,
when they question you about the budget just look them inthe eye
and tell them they're fat. It'll work. Trust me."
Will Durst wouldn't trust Linda Trippas
far as you could throw Monica Lewinsky, Barbara Walters, MorganFairchild
and that creepy lady all tied together, uphill.
KAILUA- KONA, HAWAII, HAWAII, WHERE THEY CELEBRATED MARDI GRASTHIS
WEEKEND. HEY, IT'S KONA TIME. IF YOU GO THIS SUMMER, TRYTO BRING
SOME JELLY BEANS FOR THAT WHOLE EASTER IN JULY DEAL.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, the Governor would like to thank everyonefor
their strong indication of either boredom or support in showingup
here today. He is thankful for both. I know you're anticipatingan
announcement and I'm happy to say your expectation may or maynot
be realized. The Governor is definitely considering actuallymaking
a decision about becoming a candidate soon. I am proudto proclaim
he has authorized me to set up an ad hoc panel toinvestigate the
possibility of forming an interim exploratorycommittee that will
plumb the depths of the American psyche witha string on a nail
to see if a fleeting groundswell can be reachedby his provisional
political advisors who have advised him notto answer the many
articulate and eloquent questions you haveon the various pressing
matters of the day, and neither to verbalizeany firm positions
on practically anything he would be accountablefor until he formally
and inevitably declares his candidacy sometimemuch later in the
near future. It is not fair to the Americanpeople for him to jeopardize
his front runner status by prematurelyopening himself to sticky
campaign killers like issues. And heand I and his exploratory
committee and his political advisorsand his pollsters and everyone
else in the party thank you andhope this clarifies everything."
Will Durst thinks it's all very clear.
Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 07:19:26 -0500
a week's worth in search of a lei
NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE, WHERE THE TERM BARBECUE CAN MEAN A HUNDREDDIFFERENT
THINGS BUT WHEN YOU SAY MUSIC IT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE OFTWO THINGS:
COUNTRY OR WESTERN.
For a while there, the new green eyed cow the states and municipalitieswere
milking was gambling, but the golden goose had some prettyugly
friends and they weren't all ducklings, so many an officialhead
has turned to the new pot of gold at the end of the rainbow,which
is suing the pants off of industries for the hidden costsof using
their products. Smoking is bad for you. Who knew. Whatnext? Burning
tires make lousy dinner centerpieces? Since thetobacco thing worked
out better than free beer at a frat party,we have ourselves a
bad case of sue creep, as people are jumpingon the bandwagon as
fast as a lottery winner attracts new friends.The next game plan
is to sue gun manufacturers for the icky messesmade on city streets
eventually clogging up emergency rooms. Ofcourse then Children
of Adult Alcoholic Parents Who Fell in Loveat Last Call will file
a class action suit against brewers anddistillers so the whole
Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearmsdance card is filled out.
There has to be other industries justripe for the pickings, and
I'm just the guy to help.
- Major television studios take the
Internet to court for seducing its audience through the magic
- Religious leaders could sue the Bioengineering
Community for getting rid of their most effective weapon; fear.
- The American Dental Association should
consider a suit against the makers of sugar substitutes.
- PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment
of Animals might have a case holding Emeril Lagasse responsible
for making his rabbit etoufee so darn scrumdililyumdililyumptious
that visitors to his New Orleans restaurant just can't help themselves.
- And of course the People for the Ethical
Treatment of Insects have a steel trap case against the makers
Will Durst thinks eventually lawyersare
going to sue the American Bar Association for defamation ofcharacter.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE THREE GUYS WHO THREW PIESIN
MAYOR BROWN'S FACE WERE SENTENCED TO SIX MONTHS IN JAIL. I'MNOT
SURE WHAT THE SPECIFIC CHARGE WAS: BATTERY BY BAKERY, PERHAPS.
Our elected officials have discovered the joys of milking thecash
cow of suing people responsible for our vices. The beautyof it,
is in the choice of plaintiffs. Which is to say the eggsucking
dogs of corporato land. Polls revealed the tobacco gambitto be
more popular than free Swedish meat balls at a dog showand the
latest plan is to sue gun manufacturers because of thegeneral
feeling that kids bleeding to death on sidewalks is notthe perfect
cover for a tourism brochure. And you can bet thelawyers won't
stop there. A class action suit against the makersof beer and
booze is as inevitable as runny cheese in France.But don't stop
there. Sue the fast food companies. It's not ourfault we're overweight.
It's theirs. How can we not eat the ofcharred decaying flesh of
other major mammals when they make itlook so appetizing. Mmm-
mmm- mmm. Doesn't that greasy meat slabcovered in congealed cow
juice look tasty. You know what it needs:bacon. Take on the television
networks for creating an Americathat has become dumber than a
bucket of hair. Where cross referencingthe newspaper's TV listings
with the onscreen program guide isconsidered intellectually challenging.
It is rumored some peopleare unable to complete the TV Guide crossword
And maybe a suit is called for against advertisers for makingus
buy useless crap we don't need with money we don't have. Wecould
even build a case against the oil industry for purposelydestroying
the ozone with fossil fuel pollutants. Ice the caseby presenting
into evidence their fiendish ties to the giant sunblockcartel.
And finally isn't it about time we took off the kid glovesand
put a stop to the dealers of America's number one addictivesubstance.
The one that destroys households by the millions demonicallytargeting
our children. Of course I'm talking about... sugar.
Will Durst thinks Tony the Tiger doesnot
have a bad heart.
KONA, HAWAII, WHERE THE TOURISTS OUTNUMBER THE LOCALS BY THREETO
ONE, ALTHOUGH ITS HARD TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE. EXCEPT THE LOCALSARE
SMART ENOUGH TO REFUSE TO PAY $4.50 FOR WEIRD PINK DRINKSWITH
UMBRELLAS STICKING OUT OF THEM.
My parents are coming out to visit next month, and they're goingto
stay with me. Yeah I know, it's a dream come true. It's beenyears
since we all lived in the same house. And sure they're setin their
ways, but they're just going to have to abide by a fewsimple changes
of routine when they stay with me.
"For one thing, mister, nobody goes to bed before three inthe
morning. Dad, Dad, wake up old man. This is the shank of theday.
Look, here's the scene where Gilligan refuses to get nakedwith
Ginger, again." "Separate bedrooms for both ofyou. Hey,
I don't care what you do when you're on your own, butwhen you
live in my house, you live by my rules." "Iwant to see
hair in that sink. A lot of it. If I walk in and thereisn't a
regular bush clogging the drain, there will be hell topay."
"Try and sit as close to the tv as possible, andremember
there are no meals. Just lots of snacks. Except for breakfast.Beer
for breakfast. Finish that Anchor Steam young lady. Thereare investment
bankers in Bakersfield who will kill for a decentbrew at this
Will Durst knows it's all a pipe dream.
HUALALAI, HAWAII, HAWAII, HOME TO THE 4 SEASONS RESORT. REALLYRITZY
AND A LITTLE SCARY. I THINK WE ARE THE PEOPLE THEY COMETO THIS
PLACE TO GET AWAY FROM.
California is a big state. You knew that. But hey, sometimes yougot
to reinforce the obvious. This is the same reason the NationalPark
Service issues brochures with bold print warning touriststhat
teasing Grizzly bears with pointy sticks might be hazardousto
one's limb collection. My point here being, when the CaliforniaRepublican
Party held it's convention in Sacramento, and nominatedan anti
abortion Chairman; well, that's okay. Big old state asI mentioned.
The GOP can handle that. Probably won't cost themmore than a couple
of State Senate seats in Democratically redrawndistricts. But
for the National ticket, enh. Everybody who wantsto be President
showed up to schmooze except the two front runners,the Bush- Dole
ticket. And doesn't that sound wonderfully likeold times. One
of the dark horses, Senator John McCain said hewould not stoop
to negative campaigning against fellow Republicans,like other
folks did in the last primary. And Malcolm Steve Forbes,generally
considered to be the "other folks" referredto, responded
that his blitzkrieg attack ads against the broadside of Bob Dole
in 96 weren't personal, they were about the issues.And when you
understand the only issue important to any politicianis who is
leading the polls, you have to admit, he's right.
Will Durst thinks there will be quitea
fight over who is right and who is righter.
Date: Tue, 23 Feb 1999 01:51:26 -0500
a gallivanting week's worth
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE CHINESE COMMUNITY IS CELEBRATINGNEW
YEARS. IT'S 4697, THE YEAR OF THE RABBIT.
You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This.
- The good news about Liddy Dole running
for the Republican nomination for President is that it will finally
force the GOP to make a decision on drafting a platform supporting
a woman's right to vote. The bad news is nobody knows how she
feels about it yet.
- Mayor Jerry Brown is awfully lucky
Oakland doesn't have strict residency requirements. In most municipalities
you're required to have lived within our own solar system for
three continuous years.
- Disneyland announced plans to raise
admission and increase security. Apparently, a number of families
have been caught trying to sneak out with room still left on
their credit card limit.
- A chain of Baywatch restaurants is
scheduled to open. Which would you prefer here; a huge chicken
breast joke or a breast platter with a side of implants joke?
- Wasn't the Post Office considerate
visibly posting signs on President's Day informing the public
they were closed for business? I guess even they realize how
hard it is to tell. Did anybody else notice the stamp price increase
happened the exact same time the cost of high capacity clips
- Thank God the Senate suspended rules
requiring a two thirds majority vote to wake Strom Thurmond.
Must have been in appreciation for the invaluable historical
research he provided by handing over detailed notes from the
Will Durst wonders if documentationexists
proving Thomas Jefferson tried to get Sally Hemmings ajob at Revlon.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE OUR HOUSING CHIEF HAS BEEN ACCUSEDOF
OWING CLEVELAND'S PUBLIC HOUSING AGENCY $200,000. I BET HISMOST
GLOWING REFERENCES WERE FROM FINANCIAL INSTITUTIONS.
You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This.
- Doctors in Louisville, performed the
first hand transplant but it won't be considered a real success
until the patient picks up the bill.
- Is it just me, or was Teddy Kennedy
strangely silent during the whole Clinton thing? And he was the
perfect guy to offer up expert testimony.
- Q. What do you call Al Gore leaning
on a podium?
A. A wood pile.
- The good news is Whoopi Goldberg is
going to host the Oscars. The better news is production on "Hollywood
Squares" will shut down for at least a week.
- The city of Los Angeles has limited
gun purchases to one a month. I wonder if you can get a waiver
if you can produce a note from your principal.
- During the Impeachment proceedings,
Congress kept saying they were voting their conscience. Yeah,
right, Congress voting their conscience is a lot like a turtle
flexing its wings.
- Disney recalled video cassettes of
"The Rescuers" because it contained two frames showing
naked breasts. It will be repackaged and re released at a higher
- In Washington DC, a mayoral assistant
used the word "niggardly" in front of people who didn't
know what it meant, were offended, and forced him to resign.
If this internal word pejorative- seeking becomes vogue, we'll
never be able to say the word "country" again.
Will Durst could get used to using theword
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE WE'VE ALREADY HAD THREE OR FOURSTORMS
OF THE CENTURY SINCE I MOVED HERE IN 1979. JUST LUCKY IGUESS THAT
THIS CENTURY IS COMING TO A MERCIFUL END.
"So, we're just going to let him
get away with it, is that what you're telling me?"
"No, of course not. We got plans. For one, Starr-boy is
planning on nailing his lip biting face to a civil suit."
"Well, optimally, we'd love to put him on the defensive
during the 2000 election."
"You crazy? Why don't you just ram red hot pokers up Guiliani's
butt. Haven't you noticed? Everytime we hit Bill, Hillary manifests
martyr marks on her brow and her poll numbers eclipse Mother
Teresa's. Besides, you are aware he can't run in the year 2000."
"We're hoping it'll rub off on Prince Albert and affect
his fund raising."
"You got to be kidding me. Gore's already milked every Buddhist
Temple in the Northern Hemisphere dry. What else?"
"Well, we can circulate a report he's responsible for Michael
"Okay, how bout this... he's leading a secret life, and
is really Osama Bin Laden."
"Well, have you ever seen the two together?"
"I don't know..."
"I got it. He actually had an affair with Linda Tripp."
"I like it. Leak it to Lucianne Goldberg. She'll give it
"But aren't she and Tripp supposed to be friends?"
"Don't worry. Linda would understand."
Will Durst understands.
FORT LAUDERDALE, FLORIDA, WHERE ALL THE MEN LOOK LIKE LEE STRASBERGIN
"GODFATHER II", AND ALL THE WOMEN LOOK LIKE SHELLYWINTERS
POST "POSEIDON ADVENTURE."
I can't imagine how we missed hearing both the gun and the guywho
screams, "Gentlemen, start your engines", but itmust
have been while we were hypnotically entranced by Chief JusticeRehnquist's
sleeves. Nevertheless, its started and the perfecttime to move
to New Zealand until November, 2000. They're runningfor President
already by sucking up to the state of New Hampshirelike midwestern
beauty queens at a Dreamworks Christmas party.Senator Robert Smith
of New Hampshire is the latest to set histiara on the bedroom
side table. He's raising campaign funds byselling $20 shares so
voters can invest in America. Or at leastBob Smith's vision of
America. He hopes to collect $20 million,or 1 million shares,
which might explain why he wanted to geta jump on things. Smith
said one of his first priorities as presidentwould be to push
Congress to define life as beginning at conception.Good idea Bob,
and one totally in tune with the nation, but whystop there? Why
not make it at intention. That means anytime youcan go up to anyone
in a bar and say, "Okay, let's get iton." If they refuse,
you can bust them. "All right,up against the wall. Procreation
squad. I'm charging you withvoluntary egg slaughter." Or
"Spermicidal homicide.""You have the right to maintace.
And anything you move maybe held against me."
Will Durst thinks more clowns will puton
greasepaint before this circus leaves town.
NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE, ALSO KNOWN AS MUSIC CITY. BUT YOU HAVE TOUNDERSTAND
THE PEOPLE WHO CALL IT THAT ARE THE SAME PEOPLE WHOTHINK OF BRANSON,
MISSOURI AS A VACATION GETAWAY.
Oh Lawdy Lawdy Lawdy, like we don't have enough in the world toworry
about, the USA Today today; all right, last week, or whatever,(I
just like saying USA Today today), anyhow, they declared a"What
Do We Call The Next Decade?" emergency. "Brnngh!Brnngh!
Brnngh! People, we're going to Def- Con 4. Move it. Moveit. Move
it. Gunderman!" Of course, you might want to takethis crisis
with a grain of salt the size of Rudy Giuliani's ego,since USA
Today is to journalism what a double bacon cheeseburgeris to nutrition.
Popular, but a steady diet often proves fattening.The Lambada:
dance of the Millennium, my ass. The usual suspectshave been nominated,
but no clear winner has emerged. The Zeroes.The Zips. The Nadas.
The Pre Teens. The Pre Tens. The Oh- Ohs.The Double Ohs. And my
favorite: Fred. The author maintains noone knows what the 1900-
1909 decade was called either, then quotesRonald Grele of the
Oral History Research Office at Columbia University.(and don't
we poor twitching scribes paid by the word love thosetitles) He
said WWI "became such a turning point in Americanlife, the
teens and aughts faded into 'before the war.'"Ding Ding Ding
Ding. No more calls, we have a wiener. People,it's the aughts.
And since we are so hip and so tragically choke-on- our- radichhio-
pesto au courant, it is incumbent upon usto put our own little
post neo- modernist calliope spin on it.The Otz. There you go.
Crisis averted. Go back to your lambadalessons.
Will Durst still can't quite masterthe
Limbo, although he seems to have signed a long term leaseto live
Date: Tue, 16 Feb 1999 03:42:54 -0500
stephen king's week's worth of thecentury
PACIFICA, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE LINDA MAR SHOPPING CENTER WASUNDERWATER
BECAUSE OF THE MASSIVE RAINS LAST NIGHT. THE GOOD NEWSIS YOU CAN
BELIEVE THE DENNYS ON HIGHWAY ONE WHEN THEY ADVERTISEFRESH FISH.
So let me get this straight. Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschlesaid
he wanted to keep final deliberations of the ImpeachmentTrial
open, because of the American public's right to know what'sgoing
on, and its too important to be conducted in secrecy. Youknow:
sunshine laws. The bright white light of the truth shallset us
free. Yeah, right, and uranium tailings make an excellentdesert
topping. We all know Democrats would rather be blamed forgutting
Social security than lose the chance to burn the imageof the Republicans
obsessive purge onto the retinas of the votersuntil they rise
as one and demand Kenneth Starr's head on a pike.On the other
side, Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott said he wantedto keep
the deliberations secret because of his desire to keepthe proceedings
from becoming a circus and an effort to move thiswhole thing right
along. You know, tradition. Old Time Politics.Salmon P. Chase.
Yeah, sure, and the Roman Catholic Church issurreptitiously funneling
money to Planned Parenthood. We allknow Republicans would rather
draft Bob Dole as their next Presidentialnominee than let the
President's party kiss up to voters withverbal wrist slapping
of his behavior while attacking the zealousnessof his accusers.
In other words, just like in third grade, theSenate believes "you
can't have your cake and eating it too."These guys talk such
a load of crap, I'm surprised everytime Iturn on the tv and brown
stuff ain't leaking out of their ears.
Will Durst thinks if all 100 Senatorhas
a maximum of fifteen minutes to talk, this whole thing canbe wrapped
up in twenty five hours.
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE TOWN DOESN'T CLOSE UP AT NINEPM
LIKE EVERYBODY WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE. ITS MORE LIKE EIGHT.
If it ain't over till the fat lady goes back into the dressingroom
and changes back into street clothes, she's hanging up herhorn
helmet right now. The Most Deliberative Body In The Worldlooks
like it won't even get a simple majority much less the twothirds
necessary to convict the Big Creep, with even Arlen Spector,R-Penn.,
saying he won't go on the record with a "guilty"or "not
guilty," but rather a "not proven,"which he avers
is an old Scottish alternative verdict. So insteadof voting "aye,"
Spector is going to go with "me."Me, I'm hoping this
will encourage other Senators to deviate fromthe boring rut of
"yes" and "no." Other possibilitiesinclude...
Ooghar: the ancient Goth verdict of
wedging the accused's head into a rotting fir tree until Spring.
Gwisanicz: a Sumerian tradition that
involved the indicted one proving his remorse by performing the
alleged transgression on every member of the tribe in public.
Paraang: to clear one's karmic sins,
this Hindu cleanser required the transgressor to drink two quarts
of Ganges River water after the annual cow bathing ceremony.
And finally, someone could cite the
Muslim verdict of cutting off a hand for stealing. It's possible
spin here would appropriately enough involve a cigar cutter.
Will Durst thinks this punishment mightbe
privately administered up on the
second floor of the White House.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE A FITNESS CENTER PUT UP A BILLBOARDSAYING
WHEN ALIENS COME, THEY'LL EAT THE FAT ONES FIRST. AND FATPEOPLE
ORGANIZED A SLOW PROTEST. SPOKESMEN FOR THE ALIENS WEREUNAVAILABLE
FOR COMMENT ALTHOUGH EVERYBODY KNOWS FAT PEOPLE HAVEMORE BUTT
FOR THE ANAL PROBES.
So the deal is, we may be feverishly wiping poisonous sweat offour
collective brow due to our long national wet dream finallybeing
over, but you got to remember we barnacles on the ship ofstate
known as "the media" are going to miss the impeachmentprocess
like pilot whales in a water park without plankton. Solet's talk
about the winners and losers of this whole tawdry thingand then
we'll put it aside and not talk about it for most ofthe rest of
the millenium. Yeah, right and the Bering Sea needsa surfing report.
- Winner: Bill Clinton. The man is smoother
than tapioca pudding after three hours in a NASA centrifuge.
- Loser: Ken Starr. What was that Ken?
11 impeachable offenses? The human equivalent of a ferret with
metal shavings in his paw.
- Winner: Hillary Clinton: Heir apparent
to Moynihan's Senate seat in New York? Or just another White
House refugee willing to do anything to get out?
- Loser: Linda Tripps kids. Linda said
she wants people to do to her kids what she did to Ms. Lewinsky,
and she thought of herself as Monica's surrogate mom. Which species?
One of those that eats their young apparently.
- Winner: Matt Drudge. Big scoop jump
started case from day one. Got Fox News show.
- Loser: Matt Drudge. 13 months later,
one hit wonder still looking for next scoop. Can't seem to book
any other guest other than Lucianne Goldberg.
- Winner: The American people. The system
- Loser: The American people. But looks
who's running it.
- Winner: Larry Flynt. Too legit to
- Loser: Senator Tim Hutchinson, R-Ark.
Hey Tim, who's that coming up behind you on the right? Why, that's
your little brother Asa.
- Winner: Teletubbbies.
- Loser: Jerry Falwell.
Will Durst thinks Jerry Falwell dothprotest
Date: Tue, 9 Feb 1999 03:13:32 -0500
a week's worth in need of a littletraveling
MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN, WHERE THE ONLY TIME YOU DON'T KEEP BEERIN
THE HOUSE IS RIGHT ABOUT NOW IN THE DEAD OF WINTER WHEN IT'SA
LOT EASIER TO KEEP IT OUTSIDE.
NBC is shamelessly pandering to us boomers' self importance thisweekend
with a miniseries called "The 60's." Of course,I grew
up in Milwaukee, where we didn't get the 60's until about1974.
The kids obviously don't understand why we old fart babyboomers
keep droning on and on about how it was all so much betterwhen
we carried the anti authority banners, because we reallyknew how
to "stick it to the man", man. "We changedthe world,
nipple- ring- boy, and don't you forget it." Andwe did. Oh
not for the better necessarily. But change it we did.Here's a
tidbit the peacock network will probably skip over butthe most
important change we effected curiously had to do withus. See back
then, the drinking age was twenty one and we screamedand screamed
kids should not be forced to go off to war and diefor a country
that wouldn't allow them to drink. So the governmentwhined but
finally caved in. And we drank. And drank and drank.Then we all
grew up and they decided to raise the drinking ageand we didn't
say a word. And neither did anybody else. And that'swhy we're
better than you. Because our desire to drink was strongerthan
yours. So take your herbal health teas and your ginko bilobashakes
and give us a break, okay? Our livers hurt.
Will Durst is afraid his warranty isrunning
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE COLDEST TEMPERATURE EVERWAS
27 DEGREES, AND PEOPLE STILL COMPLAIN. OF COURSE THESE AREPEOPLE
WHO HAVE NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS WHEN THEIR LATTE HAS TOO MUCHFOAM.
What burns my toast about the Trial of the Century is it's a perfectchance
for our government to finally recoup some cash off thislifetime
investigation of Clinton and we're doing nothing. Nothing.That
so called budget surplus isn't going to last forever youknow.
Monica Lewinsky's suite at the Mayflower Hotel is $5,000a night
alone. Guess who's paying for that? You are. Well, okay,we. Where's
the merchandising? Where's the product placements?Has anybody
even bothered to do a copyright search on the phrase"Trial
of the Century?" I can't believe they actuallyargued about
releasing the taped depositions when we should behawking them
on late night commercials as a boxed set. Think KenBurns' "Civil
War" without the Civil. I'm talking TrialOf The Century t-
shirts, sweat shirts, oyster shucking knives,sno- globes of the
Capitol with 100 tiny senators as the snow."No two are alike."
How about a limited edition versionof The Starr Report illustrated
by Rodrigue, the guy who doesthose blue dogs? Not just a teaching
tool, but a way to bringhistory home. Why isn't every little girl
in America whining fora blue dress Barbie? Where are the little
tiny gavels signed byChief Justice Rehnquist stuffed in specially
marked packages ofHoney Nut Cheerios? I think Rehnquist would
go for it. After all,he did show up with those four gold stripes
on the arms of hisrobes. In his quiet distinguished way, he's
telling us to go forit. I won't be satisfied until House Manager
Henry Hyde givesthe closing argument for the Trial of the Century
wearing a Nikesweatsuit, a pair of Reeboks, and an officially
licensed YodaPatch on his shoulder plugging Star Wars I: The Phantom
Menace.Patches, that's the way to go. Think NASCAR.
Will Durst needs a trial patch.
HEALDSBURG, CALIFORNIA, WHERE IT'S RAINING AGAIN AND THE FLOODWARNINGS
ARE COMING FAST AND FURIOUS. WHAT WE REALLY NEED IS THATBARF DUST
THE SCHOOL JANITORS USED TO SPREAD. ABOUT 20,000 CONTAINERCARS
For those of you not keeping up.
IMPEACHMENT TIMELINE PART ONE.
- June 1996: Monica Lewinsky buys first
pair of thong underwear and goes to work at White House.
- April 1997: Lewinsky begins working
at the Pentagon, meets Linda Tripp, and on first day, in a move
she lives to regret, makes fat joke at Tripp's expense.
- December 28,1997: Last time Lewinsky
met with the president at the White House. Independent counsel
Kenneth Starr intimates Lewinsky made approximately 8,444 visits
to the White House, most of them naked.
- Jan 7, 1998: Lewinsky denies sexual
relationship with Clinton in an affidavit for the Paula Jones
sexual harassment case. She does raise a few eyebrows casually
referring to herself as a human humidor.
- Jan 12: Tripp turns over to prosecutors
20 hours of surreptitiously taped telephone conversations with
Lewinsky. The 20 hours of her audition tapes for phone sex line
are understandably never released.
- Jan 16: Court panel gives Starr authority
to investigate Lewinsky matters and threaten her with a permanent
role on UPN Network sitcom if she refuses to co-operate.
- Jan 17: Clinton testifies in Jones
lawsuit denying a sexual relationship with Lewinsky, although
he does admit to a certain fondness for old Charlie's Angels
episodes, especially the first couple of years with Kate Jackson.
- Jan 26: During a White House news
conference Clinton says he never had sexual relations with "that
woman." Later he claims to have been pointing at Helen Thomas
and Andrea Mitchell but not Dee Dee Myers.
Will Durst is sad to say his calendaris
all booked up.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THEY SAY ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG,WHICH
MAY BE S TRUE, BUT THE BAD ALSO DIE YOUNG AS DO THE MIDDLEAGED
AND THE ANCIENT.
For those of you not paying attention. I keep track so you don'thave
IMPEACHMENT TIMELINE PART TWO.
- January 27: Kenneth Starr celebrates
the opening of his grand jury investigation by drinking a second
cup of coffee on his driveway.
- April 1: Jones' sexual harassment
suit is dismissed and many second cups of coffee are drunk in
the White House.
- Aug 6: After being granted immunity,
Lewinsky testifies to the Starr grand jury. That night, she eats
herself to sleep. She repeats this behavior 23 times.
- August 17: Clinton undergoes more
than four hours of videotaped questioning before a federal grand
jury`fesses in a nationally broadcast speech that although he
did have an affair with Lewinsky, he never impaled.
- September 9: Starr delivers report
to House of Representatives, saying there exists "substantial
and credible information that may constitute grounds for impeachment."
And if that isn't enough, he also has insubstantial and incredible
information. The House opts for the latter.
- October 8: House votes to hold an
impeachment inquiry. Rules are set. If he doesn't float he's
- November 3: Election Day. Democrats
pick up five seats in House. In essence, America tells pro impeachment
forces to "SHUT THE HELL UP." Unfortunately, the hearing
aids are turned off.
- November 27: Answering questions from
Chairman Henry Hyde, R-Ill., Clinton writes the Judiciary Committee
that his testimony in the Lewinsky affair was "not false
and misleading." Later he reveals what he meant was his
testimony may have been false or misleading but not both.
- December 11 & 12: Committee approves
impeachment articles I, II, III, and IV, accusing the President
of perjury in the Jones deposition, his response to Congressional
questioning and his grand jury testimony and obstruction of justice
in the Jones case, and of being way too popular in the face of
normal human reasoning.
- December 19: Clinton impeached by
House on articles I and III, perjury and obstruction of justice.
The charges he ritually sacrificed cute little kittens is dropped.
- December 10: The day after Clinton's
impeachment, polls show his approval rating continues to rise.
Republicans slap themselves limp in lump frenzy of frustration.
- January 7, 1999: Impeachment trial
begins in Senate. C-SPAN posts it's first TV-14 rating.
Will Durst is now and has always been PG-13.
Check out Will Durst at the punch line in Sacramento February10-14.
We will party like it's 1989. Heh heh heh.
Date: Tue, 2 Feb 1999 00:08:36 -0500
a banana republic's week's worth
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE GOVERNOR DAVIS SHOWED UP AT HISRECEPTION
HOSTED BY YOURS TRULY ALMOST AN HOUR LATE. FUNNY, BEFORENOVEMBER
THIRD, HE WAS ALWAYS ON TIME FOR THESE GIGS. USED TOHAND OUT THE
"The man is a menace. He should
"He was just inaugurated last week. It's only polite to
give the guy a month."
"Okay. Don't go away."
"There! There! Did you see that? He collected FBI files
on the opposition."
"Yeah, don't they all do that? What's your point?"
"Well, it's illegal!"
"Are you sure?"
"Let me get back to you on that."
"The son of a bitch fired the whole travel office. The whole
damn travel office."
"No. Not the whole damn travel office?"
"Well. Most of them. We think. Either him or Hillary."
"Isn't the first couple able to fire their staff when they
"Alright, you wait. We'll nail him yet."
"I'm sure you will."
"Check this out. As governor, he got inside information
from a Savings and Loan developer and bought real estate."
"And he lost money."
"I guess I am."
"Alright Mr. Smarty. She made money."
"I'm telling you she made money. On cattle futures."
"Who knew what?"
"That cattle had futures."
"It's true. We got the records. She made a hundred grand
on a one thousand dollar investment."
"Well, in that case, we should put her in charge of Social
"Get out of here right now. Security!"
"The man doesn't think oral sex is adultery."
"And he lied."
"Wow, a President lied. What's that make, 42 in a row? The
streak is unbroken."
"He lied under oath."
"He lied about cheating on his wife. You have to lie. It's
one of the rules. Here, I'll show you the manual."
"Look at this tape of him. He goes totally crazy."
"Wow. Yeah. The man's obviously nutso."
"Well, you had to be there. Here, read this. Who's smug
"Well, for no apparent reason, you seem to be."
"Wait, wait, we're going to call witnesses. Now you'll see."
"Is this the real time? I'm really going to have to be going."
Will Durst knows right after witnesses,it'll
be the psychics.
OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE CITY COUNCIL VOTED DOWN A MEASURETHAT
WOULD HAVE BANNED SPANKING INSIDE THE CITY LIMITS. I'M SURETHE
LARGE S&M COMMUNITY IS EXCITED.
According to the impeachment rules set down by the Constitution,which
admittedly seem more flexible than Brad Pitt's accent in"7
Years in Tibet", the Senate can impose any punishmenton the
President "not to exceed removal from office."Which
means they can't shoot him. Or burn him at the stake. Ormake him
wear a belt made entirely of large ill tempered mutantpiranha.
But don't mistake that for meaning there aren't morethan a few
who'd like to try. Including a couple dozen or so fromhis own
party whose offices are receiving refrigerated shipmentsfrom the
Amazon as we speak. So the options open to them are limited.They
can vote to find him guilty and kick his pasty white buttout.
They can vote to find him guilty and refuse to out him. Oroust
him. He already seems fairly outed. They can vote to findhim guilty
and then make his life miserable. Although, findinga way to make
his life more miserable than it already is on thesecond floor
of the White House right now is going to be moredifficult than
playing checkers with colored discs made of jelliednitroglycerine.
"King Me!" The only thing the Senatecan't do is find
Will Durst thinks not even God can dothat.
MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN, WHERE WE HAVE BEER, CHEESE AND SAUSAGE.WE
ALSO HAVE BEER CHEESE, SAUSAGE CHEESE, BEER SAUSAGE, CHEESESAUSAGE,
AND CHEESE BEER. THE ONLY THING WE DON'T HAVE YET, ISSAUSAGE BEER
BECAUSE ITS TOO CHUNKY FOR THE TAPS, BUT WE'RE WORKINGON IT.
Am I the only who thinks it odd that nobody said anything to ChiefJustice
Rehnquist when he showed up with the four gold stripeson the arms
of his robes? The story goes, he attended a localperformance of
Gilbert and Sullivan's "Iolanthe" andsaw a magistrate
in the play with the fancy detailing and copiedit. What would
have happened if he had come across Carmen Mirandain "Down
Argentine Way" on AMC and shown up with a headfull of fruit?
Would people still have held their tongues? Howbout if he had
seen "Zorro" on an inflight movie? Can'tyou imagine
him wearing one of those thin eye masks, ripping agiant "R"
in the suits of the House managers with abrisk flick of his foil
after the putting forth of another speciousargument? Think of
him naked from the waist up with a headbandafter a sneaking out
to a particularly sweaty performance of "Lordof the Dance?"
What if he had been influenced by a performanceof "Cats?"
Or Kiss? Or that scene in "SomethingAbout Mary" involving
hair products? Maybe we're all luckyhe keeps his spectating on
a semi classical basis.
Will Durst got in trouble when he attendedthe
Trial of the Century last Saturday and laughed at a questionasked
about the destabilization of the government if Bill wasacquitted.
The Chief Justice glared at him without amusement.Yes, our bad
boy Will got a stern look from the principal.
MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN, THE ONE TOWN IN THE WORLD WHERE YOU WANTTO
BE WHEN YOU FEEL BLOATED. BECAUSE THIS IS WHERE THEY WOULDHAVE
SAID TO CHRIS FARLEY, "YOU LOOK LIKE A RAIL. EAT SOMETHING."
"Ms. Lewinsky. Thank you for coming.
We are aware of the hardship involved with this being the twenty
third time you've been deposed."
"I've been what?"
"Perhaps you can tell us something we've never heard before."
"Well, I found a new recipe for pork chops stuffed with
gorgonzola cheese and bacon, covered in bernaise sauce."
"Apparently. But what we're really looking for is something
that you haven't told us about your relationship with the President."
"Something worth putting me up at the Presidential Suite
of the Mayflower again, hunh?"
"Yes, with full room service privileges, I might add."
"Good point. Well, okay. Did I ever tell you about the time
the Big Creep forced me to put ketchup on my scrambled eggs?
Gawd, it was the most awful thing I've ever seen. I mean, go
to hideous and take a right. It wasn't like mayonnaise on French
Fries, that's actually good. You know what I think it is... the
color. The red of the ketchup, and the yellow of the eggs. Food
should not be orange, if you know what I mean."
"Ms. Lewinsky, I'm sure we're all fascinated with your culinary
reflections, but did he ever ask you to do something unseemly."
"Yes. That's what I'm trying to tell you. All the time.
He was always trying to get me to eat more greens through example.
Brussel sprouts. You know some people shouldn't be eating gaseous
foods if they can't handle them, if you know what I mean. And
asparagus spears, I'm sorry they make my pee smell funny. Not
a problem with everybody, but then I'm just not..."
"Thank you Ms. Lewinsky. Your witness Mr. Ruff."
"Ms. Lewsinsky, do you have that recipe for pork chops handy?"
Will Durst thinks everything goes betterwith
Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1999 04:19:31 -0500
a week's worth upon which reasonablepeople
WASHINGTON, D.C., WHERE THE PRESIDENT DELIVERED HIS STATE OF THEUNION
SPEECH UNDERWATER IN A SHARK TANK, BUT NEVER ONCE SPOKEOF FISH.
So the State of the Union is exactly what we thought. Good, butit
could be better. Full of hope and promise but in need of aconcerted
effort to overcome badness. Apparently we're a countrywhere evil
is not welcome! Sure, we have plenty of righteous peoplebut unless
we maintain a constant vigil, wicked elements willovertake our
agenda of goodness. And then old people will die.And that is wrong.
Some things we must stand for are happy families,secure jobs,
a strong defense and good health. Conditions we cando without,
thank you very much, are crime, disease and grumpyHouse members
with the cheery optimism of the grey green slimethat grows on
sunken cave ceilings. Live and let live is our motto.The economy
may the best its been in thirty years, but that doesn'tmean it's
good. Or as good as it can get. What it needs to beis better,
and then better yet, and then even better still. Untilits the
best. But can we relax then? No. Not in America. Becausethat's
when we have to roll up our sleeves and really go to work.Not
for ourselves, but for our children's grandchildren's nieces'and
nephews' stepkids. The ones who will learn to use gills tobreathe
because the air has been screwed up for two generations.And that's
another thing that's bad.
Will Durst thinks the state of the Unionwould
be just fine, if people only left it alone. Like Ma usedto say,
"Don't pick at it."
WASHINGTON, D.C., A TOWN THAT JOHN F. KENNEDY SAID COMBINED THEHOSPITALITY
OF THE NORTH WITH THE EFFICIENCY OF THE SOUTH. HEFORGOT TO MENTION
THE ACCOUNTABILITY OF TURKEY VULTURES.
So, in the midst of Clinton's midterm crisis, the best thing thatcould
happen to the President at the end of opening statementsin his
impeachment trial, happened. No, not Dale Bumpers. I meanDan Quayle
announcing he is running for the Republican nominationfor the
Presidency. Not in the year 2000. This year. "Hey,the field's
wide open." We're talking the full employmentact for comedians
for another twenty months. This shifts the focusof late night
talk show hosts from the groin of the Presidentand the sleeves
of the Chief Justice to the mind of the formerVice President.
Which is as unlike a steel trap as Fort Lauderdaleis a ski resort.
The man who worried if George Bush were assassinated,the next
President wouldn't keep him on as Vice President. A boywith gray
hair covering a herd of deer inside his head who's learnedto look
at the headlights without blinking. George Bush wanteda strong
economy, Ronald Reagan wanted an impenetrable defenseand Dan Quayle
wanted a pony. Somewhere in Huntington, Indiana,a Ken Doll is
missing and he's running for the Presidency. I ownedKen Dolls.
I played with Ken Dolls. And Mr. Quayle, you are noKen Doll.
Will Durst also played with Barbies.Although
most of them ran off with G.I. Joes.
WASHINGTON, D.C., WHERE THE REFURBISHMENT OF THE WASHINGTON MONUMENTMEANS
IT SOON WILL BE ENCASED IN A BLUE PLASTIC WRAP. NOT THEBEST TIME
FOR BILL TO LOOK OUT HIS BACK YARD AND SEE A FIVE HUNDREDFIFTY
FIVE FOOT CONDOM.
"All right gentlemen, we're here to proceed with auditionsfor
House Managers to prosecute the Impeachment of the Presidentof
the United States. You know the requirements. Only white malesneed
apply. It helps to have a lean and hungry look and you willbe
judged on the basis of how much you hate Bill Clinton. It'sa one
to ten scale with Chelsea Clinton as zero and Kenneth Starra ten.
No one is expected to live up to that standard. Pointsfor chicanery
will be awarded at the discretion of me. Let's getit started.
"Thank you Mister Hyde. I hate Bill Clinton so much, I hopehis
intestines get all knotted up and fecal matter comes rightout
of his eyes."
"Good answer Mister McCollum. You're in. Mister Graham?"
"Reasonable people can differ in this case."
"Aah, very clever. That'll surely confuse White House Counsel.You're
a go, Mister Graham. Mister Barr, the panel is aware ofyour qualifications.
There's no need for you to go through thisprocess. Mr. Hutchinson?"
"He's a sick cretinous toad who drops the seeds of his satanicspawn
all over fine fabrics from great American clothing manufacturers."
"The rhetoric needs work, but the attitude is perfect. Andstop
quibbling. If you mean Gap, say Gap. Look at the productplacement
deal Rehnquist made with Adidas. As a matter of fact,I'm going
to give Nike a call. The rest of you practice your chronologies."
Will Durst is more than willing to doa
deal with Armani.
OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE STONES OPENED THEIR NORTH AMERICAN"NO
SECURITY" TOUR AND IT WAS BITCHING. GOT TO ADMIT,SOME OF
THE GUYS ARE LOOKING A MITE OLD, BUT HEY, THESE GRANDPASROCK.
Through a partisan vote, the Senate voted to discuss their opinionson
dismissing the Impeachment case behind closed doors. Of courseas
we all know,Senate rule 29 makes it an expulsionary offenseto
reveal what was said when the big boys and girls of Congresslet
their hair down. After a couple of discreet cash transactions,we
are proud to be able to reveal exactly what was said withoutfear
of expulsion since we aren't a big time Senator.
* All those in favor of requiring the
House Managers refer to us as the "Right High Overlord Masters,"
* Would someone please empty Senator Thurmond's drool cup.
* Senator Wellstone is hereby refrained from calling Senator
Gramm "Ole Bullethead."
* No, I'm sorry Senator, there's no chance we can bend Impeachment
rules so Ms. Lewinsky can conduct re-enactments.
* Anybody know what a four letter word for accomplishing a task
is? Starts with a w.
* Yes, Senator Schumer, it's always been the tradition of this
august body for all new members to make the rest of us lunch.
* Who ate all the cashews out of the mixed nuts? I'm getting
tired of this.
* Okay, well, that's a wrap. We agree to check with the Attorney
General to see if electrocution is an option.
Will Durst thinks electrocution is agreat
Check out "Livelyhood"
on most stations on January 26th. Check local PBSlistings.
Date: Tue, 19 Jan 1999 01:39:37 -0500
a week's worth with four gold lamestripes
on the sleeves
DETROIT, MICHIGAN, ALSO KNOWN AS MOTOWN, MOTOR CITY, THE HOMEOF
THE DETROIT TIGERS, BARRY GORDY AND WHERE ALL THE 1974 CHEVYIMPALAS
WENT TO DIE.
You hear it all the time. Over and over and over. To the pointno
one would fault you for assuming Xeroxed copies had been handedout
as a mantra by the American Curmudgeon Society- Seniors Division.I'm
talking about the trendy bemoaning of the so-called mallingof
America. "Everything has been so homogenized", theywhine.
They snivel on, "When I'm on the road the only wayto tell
what state I'm in is to keep checking the license plateon my rental
car." Usually it's ultra skinny media folksin black rubber
pants who consider the space between the Eastand West Coasts as
nothing but fly over country, miffed they can'tfind the perfect
weekend hideaway for under half a million. Droningthe same old
claptrap: "All our regional flavors have beenwashed away
by the pale deluge of life sucking franchises, cableTV and John
Tesh recordings." Blah. Blah blah. I am hereto tell you my
friends, this statement is less apt than liquidsteel eyedrops.
America is still as diverse as plaid flip flopsand curried Chinese
Hungarian food to- go, and it's changing fasterthan the LED digits
on the right of the National Debt Clock. Everytown in this country
of ours has a singular imprint. A DNA signature.An identity burned
into the consciousness like a cheerleadingbrand that refuses to
fade no matter how many times you've seenParee. Small towns. Big
towns. Detroit. Home. The places Americanslive to work and the
ones where they work to live. Where workhas died and where it
has been reborn. And they're all as differentas nuclear radiated
Will Durst is just getting started.
DETROIT, MICHIGAN, WHERE THE ROOF OF A BOWLING ALLEY CAVED INBECAUSE
OF THE WEIGHT OF THE ACCUMULATED SNOW. GROWING UP IN THEMIDWEST
I ALWAYS WONDERED HOW COME THIS NEVER HAPPENED TO SCHOOLS.
You want to know about our towns, I'll tell you about our towns.A
strong work ethic tempered with an equally strong party ethicis
still essential to fully exercise the big shoulders of Chicago.For
better or worse, really pretty people tend to gravitate towardsLos
Angeles. Maybe because most of the LA exams are of an oralnature
rather than written. Try and find ribs as good as KansasCity's
anywhere else in the country. Okay, the world. You'd havebetter
odds of uncovering a fully equipped Ford Crown Victoriain your
ice cube tray. In Mason City, Illinois, you are recognizedby your
patented wave. Boston is not a good place to raise sheep,and if
you're looking for a Type A, can- do, have- it- to- you-by- morning
atmosphere, perhaps you might look for a town notnamed New Orleans.
Seattle has nice weather if you're a stream,and the Four Corners
area of the Southwest is as peaceful as Milwaukee'sSummerfest
on a Saturday night isn't. For the most part we gravitateto towns
based on what we do, or we learn to get good at whatthe town we
want to live in does. Grow up on the Gulf of Mexicoand either
you will learn to like the smell of dead fish or youmove. The
same is true with Iowa and pork. Vegas and sin. Utahand Mormons.
Admittedly, a town is only as good as the peopleyou know in it.
Meet the right group, and even a Lawrence Welkloving septuagenarian
could fashion a wicked hang in the lowerEast Side of Manhattan.
Just as a post neo punk performance artistspecializing in cheese
by products could blend in nicely in St.Petersburg, Florida, if
the appropriate 99 seat equity waivertheater were found. Thornton
Wilder was right: you can find Americaon every block of every
one of our towns. They hold the promiseof our future and the comforting
shadow of our past. And if you'vebeen lucky enough to escape the
burning of your collective municipalretinas by the blinding media
spotlight, be content with the thoughtit will only take that much
longer for us antsy Yuppies to seekout your piece of unspoiled
paradise and move there, thereby spoilingit. With a bunch of malls.
I hate to admit it, but I like malls;they're convenient and a
lot of times you
can get Hot Dogs On A Stick.
Will Durst is the host of PBS's "Livelyhood"
stations on January 26th.
DETROIT, MICHIGAN, WHERE THEY HAVEN'T CLEARED ANY OF THE STREETSAND
MORE SNOW IS EXPECTED. AAH, WINTER IN THE MIDWEST. THE BESTPART
IS HAVING TO SCRAPE THE INSIDE OF YOUR WINDSHIELD.
You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This
* Michael Jordan retired, again. Coming
right after the lockout, the NBA needs this the same way a lobster
needs melted butter. Like a trapeze act needs Louis Anderson.
Like Alan Greenspan needs Brazil. The bright side is in a lot
of towns the attendance is going to drop so drastically, fans
will have their own vendors. Fortune magazine estimated Jordan's
impact on the game over his career was around $10 billion. About
the same effect the Clinton administration had on the Justice
Department's budget. Now that he's out of short pants and overseeing
his yearly $40 million endorsement empire I imagine the next
edition of Air Jordan's will prominently feature a line of wing
tips. I wanna be like Mike. Of course maybe he quit because Larry
Flynt had something on him too.
* They raised the price of stamps a penny, and if you're like
me, it meant a wait in the line at the Post Office longer than
James Sensenbrenner's speech, but nobody went postal. As a matter
of fact everybody was extremely polite. Eerily polite.
* From the Oops file, the US bureau of Labor Statistics released
producer price data for December a day early because the report
was put on the Internet by mistake: the second time this has
happened in the last couple of months. One can only hope the
Defense Department's nuclear weapons monitors don't come from
the same civil service pool. "Oops. There goes Finland."
* Just when you thought it was safe to go to Toys R Us, the newest
threat to National Security: Furby. It seems the hot toy of the
Christmas season, has the ability to repeat what it hears so
the National Security Agency put out a "Furby Alert"
and has banned the cuddly plaything from Fort Meade. Just what
we need, an NSA toy department. "All right kid, up against
the wall. Now back away from the Blue fur ball... slowly."
* And finally, the ball Mark McGwire hit for his 70th home run
was sold at auction for over $3 million. The ball was caught
by Philip Ozersky, a medical researcher who makes about 30 grand
a year. What this means is Dads across the country are going
to pay more attention to their kids bleacher skills than they
will their pitching skills. Although, Kevin Brown of the Los
Angeles Dodgers, who just signed a contract for $105 million,
could have bought the ball 35 times.
Will Durst is unable to buy even onethirtieth
of the ball.
DETROIT, MICHIGAN, WHERE PARENTS WERE TOLD IF THEY WANTED THEIRKIDS
TO GO TO SCHOOL THIS WEEK, THEY SHOULD SHOW UP AT THEIR RESPECTIVEINSTITUTES
OF LEARNING WITH SHOVELS. THANK GOD, THEY'RE NOT RUNNINGTHE FOOD
Well, at least we've discovered what the House Managers' strategyis.
Bore the Senate to death, then sneak in and vote in abstentia.If
these guys moved any slower they'd be in reverse. The presskeeps
calling it a circus, but it'd be easier to find an innocentlobbyist
than a circus this boring. The only one in true sideshowmode is
Chief Justice Rehnquist who decided to augment his robeswith gold
lame stripes. You go girl. Show your colors. Don't getcaught in
that basic black trap. Spread your wings and fly. TheSenate is
often referred to as the Most Deliberative Body in theWorld. I
think the key word here is deliberative. Notice nothingis said
about decisive. One of the arguments presented over andover was
Bill Clinton diminishment of the office of the Presidency.Diminished
compared to what? Compared to George Bush throwingup on the Japanese
Prime Minister? Compared to Ronald Reagan forgettingthe name of
his Secretary of Agriculture? Compared to Jimmy Carterbeing terrorized
by a killer rabbit? Compared to Gerald Ford'sresponisiblity for
making Chevy Chase popular? Compared to Nixonjust in general?
Will Durst would like to thank bothFrank
Joyce and Peter Werbe for being among the brave, the proudand
the few who actually showed up his little comedy show in Detroitthis
WASHINGTON, D.C., THE ONLY TOWN IN THE WORLD WHERE THE GOOD GUYSAND
THE BAD GUYS LOOK EXACTLY ALIKE AND SWITCH ROLES WITHOUT ANYADVANCE
NOTICE IN THE PROGRAMS.
What They Say And What They Mean: White Guy Senator Sunday TalkShow
Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) "Face the Nation":
* WHS: "63% of the American people
think the President ought to testify. Now he can't have it both
ways. If the people want the President to testify, maybe the
President should testify."
* WHM: "Although, if 63% of the American people think he
shouldn't be impeached, well, then they're just stupid."
Sen. Tom Harkin (D-Iowa) "This Week Without David Brinkley"
* WHS: "We're more than just jurors."
* WHM: "We should have robes with stripes on them too."
Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-Vt) "This Week With Cokie And That
Annoying Guy With The Bad Rug"
* WHS: "This is not 'Perry Mason.'"
* WHM: "Of course not. 'Perry Mason' had a plot. This is
more like 'Seinfeld', a really big show about nothing."
Sen. Orrin G. Hatch (R-Ut) "Meet the Press"
* WHS: "It was right on this program, when I told the President,
don't lie before the grand jury, because you'll be impeached."
* WHM: "Nyah- nyah, nyah- nyah- nyah."
Sen. Asa Hutchinson (R- Ar) "This Week With Archer Daniels
* WHS: "This was the first time we've been able to sit down
and listen to how comprehensive the case is, free of interruptions
and partisan sniping."
* WHM: "So we get a 55- 45 vote on the witnesses. We'll
take it." Sen. Christopher J. Dodd (D- Conn) "Meet
* WHS: "If you get into the witness issue... we could be
talking May or June before you finish this trial."
* WHM: "We can run this thing as long as long as Strom Thurmond
can stay awake."
Will Durst hopes Strom Thurmond getsto
interview Larry Flynt.
Hey you guys! No use sitting alone inyour
room. Come join Durst in the belly of the beast at the DCImprov
(202 296 7008) Tuesday the nineteenth through Sunday thetwenty
fourth. We'll mock and scoff and taunt, but with taste.
And there's the new episode of "Livelyhood"called
"Our Towns" appearing on your local PBS stationnext
Tuesday the twenty sixth. Check local listings.
Date: Tue, 12 Jan 1999 05:28:20 -0500
a week's worth you won't get attachedto
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE HEROIN HAS BEEN RESPONSIBLE FORTAKING
TWO OF THE CITY'S YOUNG SCIONS RECENTLY. AAH, REMEMBERTHE GOOD
OLD DAYS WHEN THEY USED TO GET DRUNK AND DRIVE HEAD ONINTO BRIDGE
STANCHIONS? MY, HOW THE TIMES HAVE CHANGED.
Yeah, yeah, I know. People are getting inaugurated all over theplace
and we got ourselves what you would call a brand new lineupof
lying cheating reprobates runnings things. It's a brand newyear,
the President is being impeached, our jets are getting firedon
in the Middle East but the number one news story today? Thecold
snap in the Midwest. Imagine that. Cold in Minneapolis inJanuary.
Well, well, well. What are the odds? This was news? Thelead story?
What next? Summer Heat? The Pacific Ocean Moist? Antsat Picnics?
Dirt in Wyoming? Potatoes Au Gratin in French Restaurantson the
East Coast of Ireland? John Tesh on PBS? Hair Spray inNew Jersey?
Blue Haired Ladies Hogging the Nickel Slots in Vegas?White Starchy
Thighed Tourists in Orlando? Jimmy Buffet in KeyWest? Airline
Main Cabin Food Lacking Seasoning? Inferior Plumbingin Bosnian
Crack Houses? Eric Roberts as a Bad Guy? Low PrimarySchool Test
Scores in Mississippi? Inflated Cost Estimates onBaggage Door
Repairs by Defense Contractors? Strom Thurmond MakingUnintelligible
Remarks? Beer Stains On Basement Couch Cushionsin Milwaukee? Crimes
Against Rayon by Silicon Implants in Hollywood?Undercover Espionage
Agents Posing as UN Weapons Inspectors? OverpricedHula Dolls With
Yellow Crepe Hair Made in Taiwan Available atany Hawaiian ABC
Store? Robert Vaughn with a Bad Rug? El GrandeHalf De-Caf Non-Fat
Milk Lattes in the Shuttle Teminal of Sea-TacAirport? More Partisan
Crap Disguised as Party Leadership PressReleases in DC? Hopelessly
Nihilistic Black and White Stab YourselfIn The Head Films from
Will Durst is simply shocked.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE YOU LIVE AND YOU LOVE AND YOUMOVE
AND YOU GROOVE AND YOU END UP IN THE SAME PLACE YOU BEGAN.THEN
YOU START OUT AGAIN ALL HOPEFUL.
Gentlemen; start your engines, because the partisan flag is downand
here it comes swerving towards the fast track... the Trialof the
Century! Totally different than that last Trial Of TheCentury
a couple of years ago which involved some silliness witha football
player and had rather mixed results. And the eightor nine other
Trials of the Century before that which usuallyhad at least something
tangentially to due with criminal activity.But not this one. No,
this TOTC will definitely earn its monumentalmoniker unless of
course... it doesn't or something extraordinarilyunseemly happens
in the next 328 days. We can only hope. ThisTOTC began with Strom
Thurmond remaining upright only with theGrace of God and a really
strong stool stiffener as he administeredthe oath to Chief Justice
Rehnquist, who then turned to the Senateand flapped his robes
like a raven overdosing on steroids screeching:"Let's Get
Ready To Rumble!" All right, he didn't buthe should have.
I wonder if Chief Justice Salmon P. Chase hadto worry about the
Senate Pro Tem slobbering all over him at theTrial of the 19th
Century, 130 years ago. And how did Thurmondvote in that one?
But now the entire country is in for an E ticketpolitical ride.
Fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpyTOTC. Thank God
all this isn't going on next year. Be awfullyhard to convince
the press you were just plain lucky having aTOTC in the Century's
For this the last second- Friday- in-January-
of- the-Millennium, I remain Will Durst.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE IT'S HASN'T RAINED FOR A MONTHAND
ALREADY THERE'S TALK ABOUT A DROUGHT. I JUST THINK WEATHERMENHAVE
TO FILL FIVE MINUTES EVEN WHEN NOTHING'S HAPPENING. FIVEMINUTES
OF NOTHING. THAT'S NOT WEATHER. THAT'S NEWS.
However low your opinion of the United States Senate: you gotto
admit, it does seem obsessed with taking whatever measuresit deems
suitable in order to do the right thing for the Americanpeople.
Which apparently consists of protecting its own reputation.Just
a little DC game we like to call: "Cover Your Ass."God
forbid it appears on televisions across the country behavinglike
the bunch of screaming crybabies we all have come to knowas the
House. To prove they are up to their dignified dour duty,the American
House of Lords is solemnly working on two separateschemes to try
the President. On the one hand, you got the Republicanplan which
admittedly, sounds a bit complicated. According toa highly placed
source, (not really, I just made that up, butit sounds really
official, hunh?), it reportedly entails tyingBill naked to a cactus
with Monica Lewinsky's pantyhose and beatinghis backside with
laminated strips of Hillary Clinton's missingfiles while on an
overhead projector, Henry Hyde shows transparenciesof Linda Tripp
naked. On the other hand, the Democratic plan isa mite simpler.
It involves a strongly worded memo and prohibitshim from eating
French Fries for a week.
Will Durst thinks he has to be guilty.That's
why they keep referring to him as William Jefferson Clinton.Only
the guilty have middle names. Ask your mother.
Go see Will Durst at Joey's comedy clubin
Dearborn, Michigan. Thursday the fourteenth through Sundaythe
seventeenth 313 584 8885 and for those of you planning ahead Durst
will also be at in the Improv in DC the following week, so make
your plans accordingly
Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 05:01:39 -0500
a week's worth all shiny and new
OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA, WHERE MAYOR JERRY BROWN IS BEING INAUGURATEDTODAY
WITH A CITY WIDE FESTIVAL FEATURING FREE CONCERTS AND ARTDISPLAYS.
PERSONALLY, I THINK A PARKING METER MORATORIUM WOULDBE MORE APPRECIATED.
For a while there, it didn't seem likeit
was ever going to happen but 1998 has finally come to a merciful end.
Yeeha! 1998 was to years what Alexander Haig is to pantyhose.
What Truman Capote was to mule skinning. But the American financial
world didn't really care both Thomas Jefferson and BillClinton
had DNA tests come back positive and stock markets recordednew
highs. Imagine what could have happened if Washington had been
calm. This started me thinking of the multitudes of people who
hopefully have plans to change their nefarious ways in the coming
annum. And in case they don't, here's a list of what Resolutions should
be made for the 9th year of the last decade of the 20th century.
* Al "Chainsaw" Dunlap will
attempt to rehabilitate his image by changing his nickname to
Al "Cuddlelips" Dunlap.
* Alan Greenspan assures Business Week
the only time he will use the words "irrational exuberance"
is when he's at a Metallica concert.
* Mayor Jerry Brown promises to focus
less on the vast spaceship that is Earth and more on the run
down long term parking shuttle that is Oakland.
* Amazon.com vows to get out of the
book business altogether and concentrate on getting it's stock
up to Berkshire Hathaway levels.
* Bill Gates resolves to have an airtight
alibi when Janet Reno's personal computer crashes.
* The Asian Financial crisis promises
to fade into the wings.
* The South American Financial crisis
promises to take center stage.
* The Airline Industry will make every
effort to finally rid the skies of the most dangerous security
element known to man: the second carry on bag.
Will Durst's second bag is a coal burning laptop.
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE GREY "AND THAT'S A GROSS EXAGGERATION"DAVIS
WAS INAUGURATED YESTERDAY AS CALIFORNIA'S FIRST DEMOCRATICGOVERNOR
IN 16 YEARS. 1983 WAS ALSO WHEN PRINCE RECORDED "1999."COINCIDENCE?
1998 was to years what Henry VIII was to marriage counseling. What Kate Moss is to $3.99 all-you-can-eat buffets. It was the year Bill Clinton and Kenneth Starr treated the entire country as innocent victims in a vicious custody battle, and a lot of us felt like taking steel wool to our television screens. And now that we're in a new year, and people are goingto act differently, right? Right, and you can teach a dog to type.Here are the resolutions people should but probably won't make for the new year. In 1999:
* Boris Yeltsin makes an internal covenant
to do everything in his power to get out of rehab in time to
accept our bailouts.
* California's Governor Grey Davis
will not rest until he gets a colorful nickname like "Slappy."
* Congress resolves to do absolutely
nothing. A lot like last year.
* Janet Reno takes an oath to open
every Congressional hearing with "Who wants a piece of me?"
* Phizer, the maker of Viagra, reluctantly
swears it will not use the terms; "rising", "solid"
or "rigid", in any more of its quarterly reports.
* President Clinton pledges to outline
a plan to fix the Social Security problem once and for all. Unfortunately,
it involves raising the retirement age to 90.
* Stung by the NBA strike, Nike vows
never again to tie its star to overpaid athletes and starts featuring
politicians in its ads. Its reasoning: nobody will ever get these
guys to stop talking.
Will Durst vows to turn up the heatto
a toasty Mock II.
SAN RAMON, CALIFORNIA, A SUBURB IN THE EAST BAY OF SAN FRANCISCO,JUST A LITTLE WHITER THAN MASHED POTATOES ON A PAPER PLATE, ACCOMPANIED BY A SIDE OF STEAMED CAULIFLOWER AND WASHED DOWN WITH A VANILLAMILK SHAKE. NOT MUCH. JUST A LITTLE.
All right. Let's whip through this.1998. Was to years what stainless steel was to Sans-A-Belt pants. What Pamela Anderson is to advanced trigonometry. So here's some resolutions people should make for this year but probably won't. In 1999:
* Dick Gephardt resolves to try stray
pieces of yarn, belly button lint, a no. 4 pencil, anything,
to give the illusion of eyebrows.
* Latrell Sprewell promises to drop
his lawsuits in exchange for a 3 month scholarship to the Albert
Belle Anger Counseling Clinic.
* The Nobel Peace Prize Committee devotes
its spare time to reward Hillary Clinton for the restraint she's
shown by not belting Bill with a lamp everytime they're seen
* The Long Distance Giants affirm their
committment to continue merging and merging and merging until
they evolve into a single entity which will be renamed: Ma Bell.
* Saddam Hussein steels himself to
fabricate human shields made up of various sons-in-law.
* Bill Clinton professes his desire
to build for the initial part of his Presidential Library: a
* Al Gore vows to use strobe lights
during Press Conferences to give the appearance of movement.
* Newt Gingrich commits himself, sometime
during the year, against his better wishes; to stumble onto a
Will Durst has found covering it with cheese alleviates his fear of white food.